Dear ‘Spot’, when I read your post I recognised so many things you said. I too have lost my Mum and Dad and my husband who died 3 and a half years ago. This time of year is so hard for us and I understand your feelings about Christmas. I wish I didn’t have to have decorations up, but I do because I am lucky enough to have a grandson who’s 8, so my son and daughter put a tree and a few things up in the room we’ll use on Boxing Day. I also understand about your loss of your cat because my cat is 18 and a couple of days ago he had to have an operation. He got through it, but I know it won’t be that long before I lose him and he’s such a comfort as I live alone.
You described how you can’t talk to anyone about how you feel and it sounds so bleak, but I can understand that as well. Although I’m so lucky having two children, who I see often, I still can’t talk to them about the way my husband died in any detail as I know it would upset them terribly. In fact, I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about what happened when I had to do CPR until the ambulance arrived and the things I saw that night. My children didn’t arrive until after I was told that they were going to stop CPR because nothing was helping. By the time my son and daughter arrived (they both lived about about 90 minutes drive away) my husband had been moved into our spare bedroom and everything had been ‘tidied up’ by the ambulance crew. Anyway, I do get how lonely you feel about having no one left as I’ve lost anyone close who remembers things like our wedding or things that happened in our family before my children can remember or before they were born. It’s a lonely place when you’re the only one left and I see now how much my husband helped when my mum died because I had him there when I missed her and was able to talk to him about her about things that happened long ago.
On Christmas Day I’ll have lunch with my family but in the evening I’ll be back in my house on my own and it’s then that I know I will be so sad and missing my husband so much. I really feel for you and have been wondering if there’s anything that could help you. There is online counselling available that might suit you as it isn’t face to face. Another thing that could help is to volunteer to help those who are homeless - doing something in the future that will occupy at least some of Christmas Day would be a distraction. The other thing that has helped me is to write a letter to my husband - I know that sounds daft, but I’ve found just writing down how I feel, how much I miss him and about things that have happened since he died has helped me. At least there I can be honest without upsetting anyone. I also wonder if you could manage to at least tell your GP how you are feeling generally, because you might find they could suggest things or places to support you. You might be able to go to a support group in your area, for example. Anyway, I know you have a tough time to go through tomorrow and beyond and I do hope you’re able to get some help. If you want to chat privately do get in touch and I will write back. My best wishes to you, Janie x