‘It’s like he was beamed up’ That certainly resonates with me. I’ve not heard it put like that before and, strangely, it has made me smile. My husband and me were in the middle of a conversation. I was just replying to something he’d said when it happened while we were lying in bed on a Saturday morning. He never was one to hang about.
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Beamed up resonates with me too. My husband was 65, active ,slim, never ill. We walked down the road on a Saturday morning in January. A little way from our house he suddenly said he couldn’t breathe, leaned over a fence and died of a pulmonary embolism, which I found out a week later after a post mortem.Left the house at 11 o clock Saturday morning, less than an hour later I am at home with the ambulance crew in my lounge giving me a plastic bag with his watch, wallet etc. Also a policeman because he died in a public place. We have been together since 1984. Am now 60 and he is gone. I will never see the world in the same way again.
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The suddenness is almost unbelievable isn’t it. I had no idea that someone could die so quickly. I had a policeman come too, because it was a sudden death, even though it was at home.
There was a cardiologist in the news last Saturday. Working to promote healthy eating, plant based diet, excercise etc. He suddenly died, aged 59. It can happen to anybody.
Yes it can happen to anybody . It makes you realise you should never leave on an argument as it really could be the last time you see that person. I am going to a friend’s 70th birthday party at our local pub tonight. Am making the effort as so many friends have asked me to go and I think why not. So many of our friends have quit smoking, are losing weight etc as it sent shockwaves through our village as he was so fit, supposedly. I wish he had made 70 but he always said he wanted to go just like that.and he certainly did.
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My husband got out of bed to go to work and collapsed with a sudden cardiac arrest . He never regained consciousness but made it to hospital with help of myself , a friend , paramedics and air ambulance doctors …all the interventions possible .
He had stents fitted and spent 3 days in ICU but continued to arrest on a daily basis . A brain scan showed he had suffered significant damage and when he went into cardiac arrest after we found that out we just asked the hospital staff to stop .
He wouldn’t have wanted to live like that. He was full of life and full of plans . 60 years old . It will be seven years tomorrow since he died in hospital .
I would like to say it gets easier but the grief just gets different and I’ve learned to cope with it .
Life goes on . I have two grandchildren now that he never got to see . I have continued to run the family business . But at the end of the day life is just weird without him and I was so much happier when he was here ,
It’s our 40th wedding anniversary in September …although he’s not here to celebrate it I will celebrate ever meeting him in the first place . So lucky to have had him as my special person for so long 1976 -2018 
Sending love and understanding to all.
PS I had bereavement counselling for 18 months after he died including EMDR for the flashbacks /PTSD from the events that morning when it all happened just totally out of the blue
The counselling helped a lot but was emotionally draining and sometimes I didn’t even want to go
But I did
And it helped x
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Romy, Thank you for your post, I sure it will help some of us here. It looks like you are doing OK, It is how I think that we who have loved and lost a long term partner will probably manage. Life goes on but is never the same, but livable. I hope your life continues to improve.
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Thank you . Grief is quite the journey . But if we love hard we grieve hard . Some things are worth it . Best wishes and much love to everyone on the journey . You can do it. One day at a time xxxxx
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There is always a void in our hearts isn’t there. Whenever I sit and think about him not being here I am close to tears. I have to remind myself that I am still in early grief even though it happened 15 months ago. It’s so hard when we feel that it happened too soon and that our loved one’s are missing so much xx
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Yes Lydia
It’s very hard
Hardest thing I have ever had to do
I think people expect you to feel better as time goes on
But like you said the void is always there in the background
Once the good time you might be enjoying and distracts you for a bit finishes the missing Just leaps back in
Sending hugs
Romy
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I empathise totally with you Janie. My beloved husband died 7 weeks ago tomorrow. We had been out for a picnic and had a lovely time, making plans for a holiday. We got home and he suddenly said he didnt feel well, got chest pain and just collapsed. It all happened so quickly and he died within minutes. They couldnt save him. I keep getting flashbacks of the horror and absolute panic. We would have celebrated our Golden wedding this October. We were together for 52 years. I feel crazy much of the time. I just cannot grasp that he has gone. My life feels meaninglass and without purpose. Every morning comes another empty day. It really feels like people think Im ok. They have their own busy lives. I feel meaningless. We did everything together and talked endlessly. The house is so quiet and empty. I cant imagine my life without him. I am so sorry that your life also feels so painful. My lovely husband used to say we needed a plan so that when life felt too difficult, we could go together so neither of us had to be without the other. Sadly, the suddenness of his passing didnt give us a chance to do that. I am sure you also feel this is the hardest and most painful thing you have ever been through. It is really difficult to even begin to imagine our lives without the orher half of us. I am sending love to you and warmest wishes. I do think the suddeness and unexpectedness adds to not being able to accept. How can someone be there 1 minute and dead the next? It doesnt seem real does it. My love to you all. Please know that by mentioning the suddeness is so awful that I am minimising others experiences of loved ones being ill for a while. I would never hurt any of you by saying something hurtful or clumsy. Xxxxx❤
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So sorry for your loss. I understand the suddenness completely, I have been reading this thread to help my daughter as her partner lost his life in a car accident at 24. This was only 5 months ago. We as a family are grieving and at times struggling to cope. I have lost my father a few years ago, he had dementia and although it was painful I coped with it. I am struggling to cope with the loss of my daughter’s partner. He was very much part of our family and I feel I am grieving for their future that they lost, his life and my daughter’s loss. Thank you for reading this, I just need to express how I feel. Sending gentle hugs
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Dear Liin, thank you for kind response. I am so, so sorry to hear about your son in law. What a terrible shock and such an horrendous loss. My goodness at the age of 24! I am sending hugs back to you and sincere hopes that you will all be given the strength to deal with such a brutal loss. Life can be so cruel. Xxx
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Dear All,
It’s been a while since I have written to anyone here but I have been reading your moving and so sad stories whenever new posts happen. A couple of weeks ago it was 3 years since my husband died. It’s strange, it feels like yesterday when I think about that awful night, but also so many things have happened since then. My health has improved and I’m more mobile and I’ve moved house. However, now I find myself putting on a positive attitude for my son and daughter because they want me 'to be better ’ - the trouble is that doing this isolates you. I understand my family is moving on and they don’t want to deal with a sad mum, but I think now this is how it’s going to be. Losing a partner changes you, you’ve become a single person not a partner. Your world has changed and you can’t go back. It’s a lonely place and I’ve accepted it. There are still moments of anguish and flashbacks, I’m afraid, but how could there not be?
In the end yes a sudden death is terrible, but of course death after a long illness is also terrible. My father had a massive stroke and became locked in and paralysed down one side. He spent 14 years at home needing so much care and then 3 years in hospital being tube fed. His death was terrible for my mother. Dying suddenly and being deprived of happy years together is terrible for those left behind and so sad for the partner who lost so much by dying, but we all feel the same loss and desperate sadness.
For those who’ve lost their partner recently, my thought is for you to try and find someone you can talk with in those desperate times - it might not be someone in your family as I’ve found, but it could be a friend who’s experienced loss or maybe therapy will help. Just find someone, because otherwise the loneliness is crippling. It seems there will always be sadness, so we have to try and manage and accept those feelings. I still get bleak days for no apparent reason when I find it hard to do anything, but there are also times when I laugh about funny things that happened during our very happy marriage.
I don’t think we ever get over losing someone dear, we just manage it a bit better. My thoughts are very much with you all, I hope that you find someone who is willing to accept when you’re sad and feeling devastated. Love and best wishes to you all xx
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Hi everyone it’s been a while now since I last posted and shared about my sudden loss of my husband but I have continued to read all of your posts.
When I last updated everyone I was going back to work for a few hours a week well I have continued to build on this and I’m almost back to working my normal hours doing my best to keep busy to keep me distracted.
I have also just recently completed a bereavement course which I found so helpful. It is however drawing closer to his first anniversary and the closer I get to that dreadful date the more out of sync I feel, it’s strange because you try so hard to move forward as best you can but when you get times like this it’s hard to even put in words how you feel.
For anyone like me with an anniversary looming just wanted to send love.
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Hello Ally, I am glad that you are coping with getting back to work. I have passed all my first anniversaries, and understand how you feel. I just tried to celebrate the Birthdays and the Wedding anniversary and remember happier times and be thankful for the years we had together. I hope it goes well for you.
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Everything you said is how i am i lost my wife suddenly we went away for our wedding anniversary o. The 10th may we went back to the pla e where we got married we had a wonderful day remembering our wedding day and how nice it was it was just the 2 off us on our wedding day we only needed each other we where allways together done everything together later that evening my wife said that she did not feel well and aske if i could get her some water i did then i said lets go to the room for a lie down but she never made it back my wife took a pulmonary embolism they was medical staff there helping doing cpr and working on her till the ambulance come i remembering looking and all i said please please dont go i need you our wedding anniversary was on the 11th she never made it i was so scared we never wven unpacked our case we where ment to stay there for a cpl of days we had so much to look forward to i am rea down today as today we would have both been finishing up for 2 week holiday together i am really finding this loneliness and emptiness to much
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Dear Brummy, I do understand how you feel, but please don’t blame yourself. When my husband died I did CPR until the paramedics arrived and because I had a breathing complaint I had an oximeter nearby which I put on one of my husband’s fingers so I could see I was getting air into him. When the paramedics took over they worked on him for over an hour giving adrenaline injections etc. Nothing worked. In the end I had to accept I did all I could and so did the paramedics, sadly nothing would help him.
From what you said your poor wife had been ill sometime. It sounded like it was a very similar situation, that there was nothing you could have done. Take comfort in the fact that if your wife’s time to pass had to come, it was so much nicer for her to be at home. My husband hated even going to the doctor, a hospital would have been awful so I’ve taken some comfort that he wasn’t put through that. I suppose the trouble is that you and I had to have the shocking and frightening role of onlookers in an unimaginable and terrible experience watching our partners die when there was nothing we could do. Have you got anyone you can talk to about what happened? Maybe counselling would help - you’ve undergone the most traumatic time that anyone could ever experience and after that it would be surprising if you didn’t need some help. So, having said all that try not to dwell on dark things but remember the wonderful times you had and that your wife would probably have preferred to die at home, and that she’d want you to be happy. She sounds lovely and I’m sure she’d be sad to hear you blaming yourself.
I know it’s early days for you, but take care of yourself and look for help. Your GP can help you, so do go and get assistance. I did and though I still have the odd bad days, I’m learning to live with it. I’ve tried to carry on the way my husband would want me to which gives me comfort. Love and best wishes to you and everyone else who’s lost someone dear. xx
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Dear Brummy, I am so pleased you’re getting a bit of help at least. When you get to the evening have you thought of keeping a journal, a sort of ongoing letter to your wife about your day, things you need to do and how you feel? It helped me, and when I look back at it now I can see how I’ve changed a little. I also busied myself in finding digital photos of my husband alone or with me which I uploaded to a photo printing company - some of them I had printed as a picture on canvas and I put up in each room that I use. It sounds a bit daft, but I talk to them sometimes as I’m doing things.
The other thing I did was make a special place on top of a chest of drawers in my bedroom. On it I have a framed photo of my husband and a candle for him and a little book of poems for him together with a small vase of snowdrops (artificial of course). Finally I have a beautiful urn with his ashes, it might be not for everyone, but I like to have them near. My friend keeps her husband’s ashes in her bedroom cupboard, she’s 4 years further down the line of widowhood. I might well change my mind about my special place, but for now it comforts me. There are also some books that might help - have a look at the advice here for ideas. I hope this might be of help, although we all mourn in different ways and no one way is better than another. Pick and choose what feels right for you. Best wishes and a big hug, Janie. xx
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I was brought up the traditional British don’t show emotions and no sign of weakness I mean crying and I still can’t talk to anyone about the grief and total loss of a life worth living and it’s ingrained in me so much that I can’t speak here very often but I didn’t realize it’s been 12 months since I last posted and the only thing that has changed is our cat spot passed away recently and I feel guilty for being sad and I still can’t show anyone that I cry every day and all I want is to go to my Mom for a cuddle but I don’t have anyone left to go to and it’s only cause it’s the day before Christmas Eve and my first husband passed away 24/12/2007 and I still can’t enjoy Christmas I literally have no decorations nothing it’s just another day of crying and wishing I could be with them all and I don’t mean I want to kill myself I just meant I don’t have anything left to live for and waiting for the time I get to be with them all
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