Hi Kate,
Good news today.
Had a letter from HMRC and have paid the CGT. Thank the Lord. £2500 so was happy with that.
I too cant look at mums writing or cards. It all just gets to me too much . Too painful.
I have had a few dreams also.
I am also seeing squences of numbers like 111 on a hotel room and a bill came for her for £66.66 and that time i saw a poster with my birthday date and her funeral date on it.
Hope you are ok
Deborah x
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Hi girls. Jules I can relate to how you feel about your dad. My dad wasn’t as ill as your dad but I could see a rapid decline since we lost mum. He was becoming more short of breath on exertion and was generally aging quickly. It was so hard to see him so sad. I can’t say it’s a relief when they go as I wanted to keep him with me forever but there is some comfort knowing their mental pain is over.
Kate, hope you’re all well now and back to normal. I haven’t had many signs for a while. I do see robins but it’s the ones that hover with you for a while and seem to look you in the eye that I think is mum or dad. I think we get signs when we need them and we are all currently trying to forge a new life with this huge gap.
Deborah, I’m glad the probate is all settled now. I’m still hoping to buy out my siblings and keep the house for renting. It depends how much it’s valued at. There’s 4 of us so I have to pay 3/4 to buy them out. We’ll see.
Currently sat chilling here🇺🇸. It’s half 2 in the afternoon so the girls are busy and I’ve just got myself a brew. It’s so good to see them. I’ve been okay with the grief so far. I think I’ll struggle on the drive home from Heathrow as whenever I did a trip like this the first people I wanted to see was mum and dad to tell them all about it and show them the pictures. That is going to be hard but another ‘first’ to get through. I’m generally doing okay. Hope you all are too. Lots of love to you all Hxxx
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Hi Helen,
Aww you are out there!!!. Wow well done.
I was wondering when you would arrive there. Sorry lost all track of time.
Gill has gone to Australia also. What a jet setting group we are.
As for me well I am just at Costa Home lol
Having work done on the garden decking still so the carpenter is here today as the weather is good. Hopefully another day after today and he will finish it
I just wish mum was here bec I would love to show it to her.
Am going to buy some hanging baskets today as this was done mum and I did every year. I love purple ,yellow and white flowers so will see what I can find.
Helen just try to think that your mum and dad are with you and can see what you are all up to.
Gill I hope you are having an amazing time with your family and that your dad is ok after the journey.
Kate have you sorted the CGT yet? Do we need to inform HMRC when the estate is settled and closed I guess. I don’t plan on doing that yet though in case there are any issues with HMRC and I need to bury mum’s ashes one day. Not ready for that yet.
Jules how are you getting on?
Nearly half term so keep going.
Love to you all
Deborah x
Hi Everyone!
I couldn’t access the chat by going online but have found it by way of an old email. It’s just disappeared off my radar on the website ….
@admin do you know why this happened?
Anyhow hope it can be resolved soon.
Hope everyone is ok and Helen hope you having a great time with your girls in the States making lovely memories!
Deb, the accountant is doing the CGT return and I should be receiving the draft soon. I’m glad you got it all sorted now.
Have had a busy week and after his stomach problems, Alex is now on antibiotics as he had an eruption on his face of a herpes like infection but it’s clearing up well. The doctor said these things can happen when his defences are low, and as we are nearing the end of the school year he’s pretty ko. It’s been an important first year of secondary school and he’s been studying very hard. Fingers crossed he’ll continue to improve.
Anyhow hopefully I can see the posts angain asap as I don’t want to lose this lovely group chat.
Love to you all.
K xxxx
Hi Kate,
Everything is ok my end. Hope you have sorted it now. I had a problem like not accessing it months ago but a day or two later it settled itself and I could access it no problem
No news my end. Sunny today so makes a change.
Gardening weather so may pop out and get some bedding plants.
Hope everyone else is doing ok
Love Deborah xx
Hiya
I can access the site and see the thread now so hopefully the bleep has been settled.
Have a good weekend everyone. Really warm here! 
K xxxx
Hiya,
Mine is playing up now.
Not sure what’s going on. Or even if you will see this
X
Hi Deborah
I can see your post. How are you?
Hope everyone has a good start to the week.
K xxxx
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Hi,
It seems to be ok again now.
All ok with me except broke my little toe on the castor on the bed. It’s so painful. Hobbling everywhere now.
Miss mum telling me to put this or that on it.
Miss going to her house terribly. I try to avoid going to the town where she lived as it hits home I haven’t got my childhood home anymore or any family living in the town. Whenever we go somewhere that involves going through the town I always find myself looking back a million times. I haven’t managed to go to the actual town since mum passed so goodness knows how I will manage that.
I used to have loads of relatives in the town and could pop into see them and have a cuppa but now there’s no one. I knew this would happen one day but I just wasn’t ready for it.
How have you been Kate?
Love Deborah xxx
Hi Deborah
Oh I’m sorry about your toe… I can imagine how painful that was!
When Alex was poorly I too could hear mum telling me to do this or that. It’s in those moments when I miss her even more, but I feel she is guiding me every day.
I miss her wisdom and advice so much.
I too feel so strange now the house is gone and I feel I’ve lost my anchor. This second year of grief has really bought the secondary losses into the mix. The house, my home town, our traditions.
I miss them all so much… all these second losses are tough on top of losing mum.
Hope everyone else is doing ok?
Love to you all .
K xxx
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Hi Kate,
Yes that’s exactly how I feel.
And another thing happened today. I paid the accountant 's bill. I realised its probably the last payment I will pay for anything from mums money. I have settled everything else. Omg it feels so strange. It’s like it’s the end of everything.
Hell I miss her so much.
Helen, Gill and Jules how are you all?
Thinking of everyone
Deborah x
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Hi girls, all so relatable. I’m realising how much of my life was entwined with mum and dad. All these secondary losses. I got back from America on Monday and it’s hit me hard that I can’t just pop round to their house for a brew and a natter. I used to have a couple of family gatherings a year, maybe one in summer and one at Christmas but it all just seems so pointless without them. I don’t see my sisters as much now and I just have a sense of life as I knew it is slipping away. I feel pretty low right now. I’ve been very weepy since I got back. Trying to keep busy.
Ouch Deborah, a broken toe?! Painful. Hope it recovers quickly. It all seems so final with the legal stuff going through. My younger sister has taken on this task and she’s just asked for some signed ID so it’s moving forward.
Me and Tom are off to Northumberland tomorrow for a couple of nights. I really don’t feel like going but will show willing and try not to be too miserable when we’re there. He booked a nice cottage so if it rains we’ll be nice and cosy. Hopefully I’ll cheer up a bit.
Keep going girls, lots of love Hxxx
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Hi Girls
Helen I hope you had a great time in USA, and sorry you are feeling down. It’s so true regarding year 2 and the secondary losses.
I can’t believe this will be the first summer in my life that I won’t be heading back to Gloucester 
I haven’t booked any holiday at all yet. Everything seems so pointless without mum. The year was always broken up with our traditional visits, mum here in Spring and Autumn and us to Gloucester in August and at Christmas. I just long for those times again.
I know it couldn’t last forever, but I never imagined such an abrupt end.
Try and have a good break with Tom.
A change of scenery is always good I feel.
How are you Deborah?
Hope you’re feeling better.
Love to everyone here.
K xxxx
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WHEN YOU SAY GOODBYE TO A PARENT~~ I felt this 
You are suddenly living in a whole new world.
You are no longer ‘the child’ and regardless of how long you have officially been ‘grown up’ for, you realise you actually never were until this moment. The shock of this adjustment will shake your very core.
When you have finally said goodbye to both your parents, assuming you were lucky enough to have had two. You are an orphan on this earth and that never, ever gets easier to take no matter how old and grey you are yourself and no matter how many children of your own you have.
You see, a part of your body is physically connected to the people that made it and also a part of your soul. When they no longer live, it is as if you are missing something practical that you need – like a finger or an arm. Because really, you are. You are missing your parent and that is something far more necessary than any limb.
And yet the connection is so strong it carries on somehow, no-one knows how exactly. But they are there. In some way, shape or form they are still guiding you if you listen closely enough. You can hear the words they would choose to say to you.
You can feel the warmth of their approval, their smile when a goal is achieved, their all-consuming love filling the air around you when a baby is born they haven’t met.
If you watch your children very closely you will see that they too have a connection with your parents long after they are gone. They will say things that resonate with you because it brings so many memories of the parent you are missing. They will carry on traits, thoughts and sometimes they will even see them in their dreams.
This is not something we can explain.
Love is a very mystical and wondrous entity.
It is far better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all and grief, grief is the price of that love. The deeper the love the stronger the grief.
When you say goodbye to a parent, do not forget to connect with that little girl who still lives inside you somewhere.
Take very good care of her, for she, she will be alone and scared.
When you say goodbye to your parents, you lose an identity, a place in the world. When the people who put you on this earth are no longer here, it changes everything.
Look after yourself the way they looked after you and listen out for them when you need it the most.
They never really leave.~
~Donna Ashworth~
Thought I would share this as it’s what I and probably many of us here are feeling. X
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This definitely resonates with me right now. I’m feeling quite lost
Hiya Girls,
Sorry I havent posted but I went away for a few days and didnt use my phone as no signal, no data left on it and to be honest it was lovely to switch off from technology for a few days.
Love the poem Kate. I had one of her poems read by teh vicar at mums funeral. Will try to find it to post.
Helen its understandable to feel it hard on returning home. I can totally understand. Its very tough going.
Pointless is the word. We played the song Pointless by Lewis Capaldi at mums funeral ( as a sort of dedication from Glyn as he and mum were so close) have a listen to the words when you get a chance OMG so true !!!
I am not feeling too good at the moment. Had the toe problem but also found a lump so am back and fore to the GP about that which has caused me a lot of worry and feel I cant move my mind to anything else at the moment.
Anyway I am back on here so will post more tom
Love to you all
Deborah x
Dear Hallard,
You sound so lovely and my heart breaks for you. The loss of my mum is coming back to me since reading your post and I am reminded of how special a relationship it is between a mother and daughter. More so when you live together. So sad for both of you to have that taken way so suddenly.
There is nothing wrong with staying close to your friends for as long as you need. Maybe telling them how grateful you are for their love and support will help you say thank you to them. They sound amazing.
Keep them close and keep talking. Especially sharing memories about your mum. My friends and family love to talk about my mum. We impersonate her sometimes. She was so funny! It hurts I know but talking about her helps us all.
Sending you much love and a big hug xx
PS my wee dog has cuddled me through many a sad time since my husband passed away. Animals are healing and so I fancy getting another one!
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Hi Girls,
This is the poem that was read at mums funeral.
Sums up everything.
It Takes A Mother – Helen Steiner-Rice
It takes a mothers love to make a House a home,
A place to remember no matter where we roam.
It takes a mother’s patience to bring a child up right,
and courage and cheerfulness to make a dark day bright.
It takes a mother’s kindness to forgive us when we err,
to sympathise in trouble and bow our head in prayer.
It takes a mother’s wisdom to recognise our needs,
and to give us reassurance by her loving words and deeds.
It takes a mother’s endless faith, her confidence and trust,
to guide us through the pitfalls of selfishness and lust.
And that is why in all this world there could not be another,
who could fulfil gods purpose as completely as a mother.
Hope you are all okish.
Love Deborah x
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Oh Deborah, isn’t that the truth and how we miss them so much. Doing okayish. The bad dreams have returned but not the terrifying nightmares I had early on. Just sad, searching type dreams. I guess they are reflections of my mind right now.
I had a meeting at work yesterday and I hadn’t seen some of the others since before losing dad. They were really kind saying how sorry they were and asking how I am etc. I was fighting back tears and couldn’t really talk for fear of crying. I’ll get there. We all will. We just have to keep pushing forward.
Hope you are all doing okay and managing to find some joy in each day. Sending you all lots of love Hxxx
Hi Helen,
I have been having dreams of mum Aldo and they are so vivid until I wake up and then I can’t remember sections of them and I frantically try to piece the dream together.
I even try going back to sleep to try to make the dream come back.
I know that feeling of when someone says they are sorry for our loss. I hate it because like you I can feel the tears coming. It’s just seconds away always.
It’s a year and a half for me now but it has only eased a little. I still get flashbacks of mum in that hospital,the guilt feelings of whether I could have done more or said more things to her etc.
I am trying to keep busy but not feeling too good at the moment with a few things. Will email you.
Keep going one day at a time.
Love Deborah xxxx
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