Hi Kate, yes it’s lovely news and we are delighted but it’s so hard not having mum to share the news with. It’s the first big life event without her. It hits you like a slap in the face that she isn’t here. People are asking when I’m going over. I honestly can’t face it. Not yet. Which is strange as normally booking the flights would be the first thing I do. I know it sounds crazy but I just don’t want to leave mum. Her ashes are here with me and I light a candle next to them every night and tell her I love her. Tom is going over on his own so maybe I will feel up to it in the summer.
How sad that your old neighbours are becoming frail and dying. It’s like everything you knew from your younger days is changing. The things we hold dear from our past are like an anchor to our life and identity. Things that connect us to our mums and our past. We have such massive life changes happening it can feel overwhelming. I feel the same when I look at dad. He’s like a different person. Everything has changed. My life was so different just 10/15 years ago. I was surrounded by family and the chaos that brings. Now it’s just so different. How life can change so quickly!?
I am off work today so about to go swimming then I’m going to do sewing most of the day. I have a commission piece from my little great niece for World book day 
I wouldn’t be getting back into my sewing yet but kids are great for that aren’t they? You have to just crack on.
I hope you are feeling a bit better Kate. It just comes on doesn’t it? I am still having more bad days than good and if I smile or dare to laugh I just feel so guilty. You think you are doing okay, then in my case, I get like a knotting/anxiety creeping in my stomach. It builds up and then I just feel such agony that I am inconsolable again. I think the anger is there most of the time but I do try and control that. I’ve get quite snappy with Tom and have said some mean things. He’s so patient with me though and I know he’s also grieving mum, she wasn’t his actual mum but he’s still really sad. She was a big part of his life for 34 years and loved her too. Grief can make you selfish I find. You are so focussed on your own pain it’s easy to think it’s all about me.
Anyway, enough of my rambling now. Off for a swim and hopefully a productive day sewing. Have a good day Kate. Lots of love Hxx
Hi Deborah, I just asked Alexa to play that song you mentioned but she didn’t recognise it. I tried a few times. Must be pronouncing it wrong? Music is very powerful. I can’t listen to classical as mum loved it. It just takes me back to mum on her death bed, full oxygen blasting in her sweet face. We put classic fm on for her (my dad hated it!) but we did it for mum. She was just tapping her hands on the bed to the music, bless her. It’s too painful. I’m in tears writing this at the memory of it.
I’m absolutely hating work. I went back last week and don’t feel the same about my job anymore. I’ve spoken to my old boss about getting my old job back. She said she’d be happy to have me back but just waiting for some hours to come up. It’s a case of going in, doing the job and getting home. Just getting through the shift is a huge chore now and the time goes so slow. I’ll give it a couple more weeks but if it doesn’t improve, I’ll hand in my notice anyway. I can do agency work until the hours come up. If I’ve learnt anything from losing my mum, it’s the importance of being as happy as you can be. Mum told me to be happy for her. Seems impossible right now but I will try to make her proud.
I’ve been a bit better the last couple of days but have woke up feeling really low and sad so I guess I’m on a downer for the next day or two. This seems to be my pattern of grief.
The new baby has made me happy but also just emphasised the loss of my mum. I’m missing her so much. She’d have been so happy at the new grandchild. She should still be here with us. The unfairness of it all is so hard to deal with.
Thinking if you and our mums. Lots of love Hxx
Hi Helen,
I will send you the song via pm. Its a welsh song so i will try to find the english words for you . There is another one called If I could be where you are now by Enya. Oh my goodness it is so beautiful. Was going to play it at mums funeral but didnt have enough time to fit it in .
If I could give one tip to my younger self in life it would be to change jobs if at all possible if you are not happy. I put up with jobs and situations when i was a young teacher simply because I thought I was lucky to have a job. But do you know what happiness is far more important and as i have got older I am determined to try to be happier. At the moment its not possible but in time maybe things will be different .
The one thing mums death has changed me is not to wait for things to happen. I always used to put things off eg buying things, booking that holiday, getting new furniture etc. I don’t feel like doing much at the moment but I have started new things for the bedroom I am reorganising.
I used to tell my mum to spend her money and not to worry about us after she goes. So I need to take a leaf out of my own book so to speak.
I looked after mum for the past 10 yrs and never went on a holiday during that time as I didnt want to leave her and they only time I went away was with her for a few days. My husband and I put our lives on hold so I could always get to her if need be so hopefully in the next year or two I will feel like going somewhere . mu would want me too as she was always asking me why don’t you go on holiday. I used to make up some excuse but the real reason was her being on her own.
I too have sad memories of my poor mum in bed at the end. She hated staying in bed and was always up by 8am every morning . I used to say to her to stay in bed longer but she said she couldn’t stay in bed once she was awake. Goes back to the older generation being made of steel i suppose. The last week of her life she couldn’t move her legs or her arms and I used to try to move them for her bless her . its so upsetting even writing this. She never moaned not once. I don’t know how she got through it. I slept on the settee for 3 weeks when she came home next to her and not once did she complain about anything It was truly unbelievable.
Tom is St David’s Day here in Wales. Dreading it as mum loved celebrating the day and we always went for an afternoon tea each year.
Am off here now as I can feel myself getting upset just thinking about it
Will keep in touch
Deborah x
Hi Helen,
I know what you mean about anger. I am so snappy and bad tempered at times. Valerio and Alex have been so patient, I’ve had a few meltdowns and felt awful.
I can totally get what you say about leaving your mum. When we went away at Christmas both myself and Alex got quite emotional about leaving mum behind. It was strange going anywhere without mum and especially at Christmas time.
You will go to see your family in America when you feel ready. Don’t set yourself any targets timewise.
I think as all the important things happen in life we are going to want to share them with our mums.
I remember going into a new shopping centre only a week or so after mum died and getting so teary and emotional because she would have liked to go there for a browse around and I had never been there with her. From the silliest things to the big things we just realise that we can’t share them with our mums and its hard.
Today it’s 21 weeks since she passed. I really can’t get how that’s even possible. Time seems to be passing so quickly… much more quicky than it did when she was here. It scary and sad because I feel I’m getting further and further away from my life with mum in it. Do you feel that?
In a lot of ways I feel stronger than I was, I guess I’ve got used to not having mum around. Before mum came to live here, sometimes 2/3 months would pass without us seeing each other, but never this long. It’s so strange.
The waves of grief still come on so suddenly just a random thought or memory, a song on the radio, can bring the pain deep inside right back, I’m sure it’s the same for you.
Hope you had a good day with your sewing.
Speak soon.Kxxx
Just want to thank you all for your lovely replies to my posts. I know you know but I still want to say you will never know how much it means to me to have the support you have given me . i would never have found it anywhere else other than this site so thank you from the bottom of my heart
Hugs to you all
Deborah x
That’s so lovely Deborah. 
I agree… the messages of support and understanding have been a tremendous help and a ray of sunshine in this sad and difficult moment of my life.
With love, Xx
Hello Deborah and other lovely ladies on this page. I haven’t been on for a couple of days as back in the thick of being a social worker. I barely fired up my laptop and somebody was moaning about not being able to contact me for a few weeks! Losing my beautiful Mum and reading other peoples experiences of grief and loss has really got me thinking about life and how we should spend our hours and days. We really shouldn’t waste our time in a job that no longer makes us happy. I’m looking to change my role and have been procrastinating for several years over it. Why wait! I love hearing about Wales Deborah and classical music. Reminds me of my Uni days back in Swansea back in the day and just how young my Mum was then. Also lovely to hear peoples happy and joyful news with grandchildren etc. Doesn’t take the pain away but something to be said for a new life and the joy they must bring. I have also felt like locking myself away from the world but my job and 11 year old daughter have prevented me from doing that. I feel some of the sadness ( Mum passed on 27th Dec) passing but it still hurts. Mum was everything to me and still is. Her smile lives on in my daughter and my daughter wants to work on a cure for Alzheimer’s when she grows up. I have every faith in her. Jules x
Hi Julest
My mum passed on the 30th Dec and I went to Swansea Uni but way back in the day lol
It was a lovely place to study at.
Deborah x
Hi Helen,
Here is the song I was on about.
Rhys Meirion sings in in memory of his sister.
Found the version with English words. We played it at mums funeral.
Deborah
Hi Deborah, what a wonderful and dedicated daughter you’ve been to your mum. You must have brought so much joy and comfort to her. No wonder there is such a gaping hole in your life now. Yes, when the time is right, it would be good to start spending time with your husband. Going on the holidays you’ve put off will be wonderful for both of you. I feel hopeful that there will be a time when I can do fun things again. I just hope this wretched feeling inside goes. People say you learn to live with it but I hope it goes as it feels awful and is constant. Even the fact we are both looking to the future with optimism is a good thing. We aren’t ready yet but feel we will be at some point.
My mum died 15th January. She was 78 but a young 78. She was still walking in the hills, going on holidays, going to concerts etc. basically just living a normal life like the rest of us. She’d had a slight cough since early October following a cold virus. Thought nothing of it until she became quite breathless at Christmas. Took her to A&E thinking IV antibiotics would sort it. Never in my wildest imagination did I see it coming!! Diagnosed with aggressive lung cancer that had spread and died just 8 days later. She didn’t even smoke! I’m still trying to process it. I still think ‘did that really happen? Has mum really gone?’ I am accepting more but having a couple of really bad days right now.
I know we will find some happiness at some point.
What business are you thinking of setting up. That sounds like a great idea. We will keep making our mums proud won’t we? Take care. Lots of love Hxx
Amazing. It looks beautiful in this picture.
Beautiful words. His sister looks so young. Life can be heartbreaking can’t it. Thankyou for that
Thanks Deborah. I was at Swansea in 1991 to 1994. Lived in Sketty for two years. Im from and live in Romsey, Hampshire, again. Have lived in several places over the years. I hope you are doing ok x
Hi Kate, I was doing better last week but feeling really down and weepy again now. I know it’s to be expected. I also have work on my mind a lot even when I’m off. I think because I know I’m not staying it’s hard to get motivated. I was half way through some training when I went off with mum. I got an extension on the time frame but I know it will be mentioned soon. I have absolutely no interest in writing essays etc to complete this course. I can’t face it. I’m even struggling with trivial, everyday chatter. I can do it for so long but then switch off.
It’s still only 6 and half weeks since mum died so it’s all normal and to be expected. The passing of time is a strange one for me. In a way it has gone fast but then it feels like I haven’t seen my mum for a year or something? Yes, I do feel like time makes me feel further away from mum. I get scared thinking about the future so try not to. I just try and live for today right now. Scrambling my way through somehow
Me and dad are going to Manchester City football stadium today as I’m going to use mums season ticket to go to the games. It needs extra money as mum had the over 65 rate. It will be hard going there today and very emotional. It was one of mums great passions but I feel I have to go for her.
My sister said to me yesterday ‘I hate my life without mum’ it’s just made me feel so bleak. I know it will get easier and I am optimistic of that. Before mum died, she said to me ‘We all have to lose our mums, Helen. I lost mine and she lost hers. You feel sad at first but after a while you can think of them and smile. You will always miss them. I still miss my mum now, and my dad’ I was fighting back tears at the time so couldn’t respond. It was just heartbreaking and I couldn’t believe it was happening. I will pick myself up, but just really down right now. Take care Lots of love Hxxx
Hi Julest. I’m the same about life and work. Losing our mums really changes your outlook on life. Every day is to be cherished and not wasted in a job you aren’t happy in. I lost my mum 15th jan and went back to work last week. Im really not liking it anymore. I too was procrastinating about it before all this with mum but losing her as brought it to the forefront. Mum even asked me what I was going to do about my job before she died. I told her I was getting my old job back and she seemed happy. She knows me best. She said ‘do what makes you most happy’ so I am. Im taking her advice. I just have to wait for the hours to come up so have to stay put until then. If it gets too much and makes me unhappy I’ll just leave and do agency work until my old job comes back. We can’t take anything for granted. Life is so fragile and we are all going on the same journey as our mums. We have to enjoy the time we have here until we see them again. Sending love and thoughts Helen xx
Thanks Helen,
Lots of people have said I was to mum but I don’t think so . I was just doing what any normal daughter would or should do. She would have done the same for me a thousand times over. When we both went through cancer together at the same time we were each other’s rocks. We kept each other going through all the appointments. Not in a million years would I have wished her to have cancer but I was so grateful to have my mum knowing exactly how I felt.
Now I feel everything about me has changed. My whole personality . Everything is different. I have completely lost my sparkle as someone recently told me and I have. Am having a really bad day today,
Like you it came as a shock at the hosp to be told on the phone death was imminent after just dropping her off at A and E. What i thought! When I left there 20mins ago she was sitting up reading a magazine after the A and E doctor had just told me it was an infection and they would be treating her with antibiotics. I shall never forgive them for telling me that on the telephone.
The rest is history as they say and I have written about it on here . Such a traumatic experience and one I will never recover from .
The past few days have been fairly ok . Have had crying bouts but not like today. I just feel a mess from crying and crying .
Don’t know about you or anyone else but I don’t even have the energy to get out of a chair.
I know my mum wouldn’t want this for me but I cant shrug all this to one side.
I have a new bed arriving on Fri so am hoping I can manage to sort the bedroom out then
Deborah x
Hi Julest
I was there in 1976 lol
Too early for you.
I lived after uni in a flat in Mumbles with the back facing the sea. It was a wonderful place to live.
My son went to Swansea uni in 2013 i think . What a small world !
Am doing okish. Having a wobbler today . Feel really down
Keep in touch and thinking of you Hope you are ok
Deborah x
I was at Cardiff Uni from 1990 to 1994. Many happy memories. I remember the day mum rook me to my halls of residence at Llys tal y bont. We got the room ready and looking nice. She sat on the bed and had a cry as she was letting me go. Now it’s me crying for her. 
x
Oh Kate it really is our turn to cry for them now isn’t it. My Mum also cried buckets when they left me at Swansea. I was beyond excited and desperate to be independent- although loved returning home during holidays. I don’t think I really understood how my Mum must have felt until I became a Mother myself and now the feelings I have now Mum has passed. I’ve thrown myself back into being a Social Worker over the last couple of weeks but like Deborah mentioned, I too feel like I have lost my sparkle somewhat. I don’t feel I care the same way for some of my families and that worries me - but I have already had 7 weeks off and can’t take anymore time off - I’ve been told the service has struggled without me. I feel like I don’t care but that sounds awful - I have always been passionate about making a difference to peoples lives but not so much at this stage xx