Oh Deborah, I’m so glad to hear this. Even just fulfilling small goals each day is a really positive thing. That’s a step forward. I read the posts from Tykey too. He got quite a bit of criticism but I thought ‘good for you’. None of us chose to be in this awful club, but here we are and however we can get through life is right for us. I intend to be like that at some point but obviously far too soon right now. We are still at the beginning of this although, when I look back to the first week or two I have moved forward quite a bit.
I do dressmaking as a hobby. I haven’t been able to go near my sewing machine since before Christmas as cannot feel joy in anything. My little niece wants a costume for school book day so I said I will try and make it. I went up to the loft room which is my sewing den and just broke down. Mum loved classic fm and I listened to it sometimes at Christmas as I love the carols. When I switched the radio on it was classic fm, still tuned in from Christmas. I just broke down as mum loved it and when I went round to her house she’d turn the TV off and put that on in the background while we chatted. There were still Christmas cards and wrapping paper up there too. God it was hard. I’ve forced myself to make a start on the little dress but it’s just a chore right now rather than a pleasure.
The last few days have been bad. Very weepy and anxious. Sorry you probably read this on my response to Kate. I was doing okay. I even had a brief time of thinking of something else other than mum. Then it just kicked me down again and I’m here trying to crawl back up. I know grief is like this. I’m starting to get used to living with it.
It will all feel better when you get mums ashes back with you. It made me cry and I feel really sad but I’m comforted by having her ashes with me.
I wish you and Kate lived nearer as it would be so good to meet up and go for a walk and a coffee. Just messaging you is such a help. Keep doing what you’re doing. You are making positive steps. Making your lovely mum proud. She knows how much you love her. Speak soon and sending lots of love. Hxx
Thanks so much Helen, Where is it that you and Kate live ?
Deborah x
Hi Helen,
I know how you feel about the grief certainly creeping up. It well and truly does that with me.
If only I could see my mum one more time I would be so happy. Nothing can take my pain away at the moment.
Yes I wish we lived nearer. It would be so lovely to meet up. Maybe one day we can.
Aww when you mentioned Book Day that brought lovely memories back for me . I used to be a Headteacher for 25yrs and celebrated that day many many times in school with the children wearing lovely outfits and raising money . Children really help so much when we are going through all this. I have a 27yrs son so my days of making Book Day outfits are sadly long gone.
Christmas time was cancelled for us as mu was ill. She passed on Dec30th so I am glad we didnt put decorations up or anything. She didnt really know it was Xmas Day even and we asked everyone not to send cards or presents but just to say a little prayer as mums faith meant a lot to her. New Years Eve is a blur as I was constantly crying. Next year I am going to go away and sit on a beach somewhere as I cant face the first Xmas without her. We spent the past 40yrs tog at Xmas so there is no way I can even be in this country next year. It would have been her 90th birthday next May and I had planned to do something special but hadn’t decided and had asked her what she wanted to do. It breaks my heart knowing she will not be here for it as she always said she wanted to reach 90.
Keep in touch and i will check again later
Am going to do a few jobs here
Deborah x
Hi Deborah,
I’m glad you have decided to make a list of small tasks for each day. It sounds like a very good idea. I suppose as I am working and have a 10 yo I’ve had to force my forward at quite a fast pace. I still don’t have much energy though and some days I feel so lethargic and tired. This morning I slept until gone 10 which is unusual for me. I guess I needed it. My other half has been so good with helping me with things around the house.
I"m sure you will feel comfort having your mum’s ashes with you. Thinking of you and well done for the progress you made.
K xx
Hi Helen,
I needed to hear those words… so very true. My therapist also said that one day you will look at the loss of your mum in a more peaceful and logical way. Her time had come like it will for us all, it’s just that right now it seems so unfair and so unbelievable that she was taken so suddenly.
Mum and I weren’t overly verbal either, but we both knew how much we loved each other. I believe that actions speak so much more than words and mum saw in all that we did how much she was loved. She had moved in with us, despite the great difficuty of achieving this and over the last few years we involved her so much in our lives. It’s very true that spending time together is showing the love we felt and that our grief is a symptom of our love.
It was good seeing my former colleague friend last night, we spent a lot of time chatting about different things. Her mum lost her mum in 2020 when she was 95. She said that her mum still can’t bring herself to go to the cemetery where her ashes are interred with her father’s. My friend doesn’t want to force it because it’s clear that it makes her mum sad. She said that she never speaks about her mum either. I guess grief is so personal and we all respond and process it in our own way. I find speaking about mum helps greatly as I think most of us do. I don’t want her to be forgotten, I want her to be part of our life still every day. I speak with Alex most days about a memory or something we did with mum or something she used to say.
I just find time is passing so quickly and I keep thinking 6 months ago we were celebrating the hot summer in England…6 months?!!
I know that our mums’ ashes are just the remains of their vessel, but it does help to talk to them I feel.
As you rightly say, they live within us every second of every day. They live on through us.
Hope you have had a good day and that you are feeling better.
Love K xxx
Hi Deborah, I think I’d do anything to see mum again but then I rationalise and think, she’d have to leave again and then I would be going through all this over and over. Logically we just have to accept we won’t see them again here in earth but it’s just heartbreaking and too painful to think of it, so we try not to. Grief and loss is the hardest thing. It’s taking small steps but even the tiniest goals mean we are still living a life. We have to somehow, for our mums.
Were you a head teacher in a primary school? Do you miss it? Have you thought of doing voluntary work in a school maybe listening to children read? I used to do this when my kids were at school and it was a big help to the teachers. Both my children are grown up, 31 and 28 and live abroad. I have 2 (nearly 3) grandchildren who I don’t see often sadly, as they are in America. There is something very grounding about being with children. They make you live in the moment. They are the future, hope.
It would still be nice to do something for your mums 90th. I think I remember you saying you were doing an afternoon tea. That would be a lovely tribute to your mum and also another reminder that she still lives within you and the people who’s lives she touched. I’m still buying my mum flowers for Mother’s Day. Maybe even a card that I will write a message in. It might become an annual ritual. (I know I won’t want to even think about the day she died so will never do anything then) They will go next to her ashes. I will always have a mum but she’s just not physically here with me.
I’ve felt a bit better since yesterday so trying to do cheerful things while I can. Driving over the border today onto north Wales to Talacre beach so that will do me good. A change of scene. I know the grief will hit again soon but for now I have some respite. Take care and keep going with your goals. Sending love and thoughts Hxx
Hi Kate, glad you had a nice time with your friend. Its good to get yourself out there and talk to people you can connect with and who ‘get’ you. It’s tricky with the surviving parent as you feel an almost primal protectiveness towards them. I don’t know if you felt this as a little 9 year old losing your dad. One, because you can’t bear seeing them so sad, but also because of that irrational fear of death and they might die too. I do feel like I might be smothering dad a bit, going every day. I’m not today, but my sister is so he is never on his own all day. Like your friend, I don’t want to push him either as we all grieve differently. I want to tell him to cry and let it out but I can’t as it’s his grief not mine. When my husbands dad died, he didn’t cry at all. It seemed like he just carried on with normal life. He loved his dad dearly and was still heartbroken but just dealt with it differently. It doesn’t seem to have caused an issue 7 years down the line. He’s not had some delayed depression or anxiety. I think it’s good to remember how personal it is to each of us.
After that terrible few days I had last week, I’m still feeling okay now. Going for a day trip to the beach. Our dog Stella, is 11 and not so good on her legs. I’m used to walking her 2 or 3 miles everyday and have missed being able to do this recently as she can’t walk much now. Of all the times I need to get out in nature?! How I’ve missed it. We got her a dog pram yesterday. Yes, I have turned into one of those crazy dog women who pushes her dog around in a pram!! 
it will enable her to walk and then rest her legs when they are too sore. It means I can get out more too! I will feel a bit daft but hey-ho should do us both good.
I am being more rational about mums death at the moment. I am thinking ‘of course mums die, the alternative is me dying first and mum having the agony of losing another child’ I would rather go through this pain any day than my mum go through it. She was 78 and very fit. I sometimes get angry about that but today I am rationalising that people die in their 20’s, 30’s, children die. 78 is okay. She never became a decrepit old lady suffering with lots of illness and frailty. She died in the midst of a good and happy life. It was quick and she didn’t suffer. Today it is okay. I’m just focusing on today.
Hope you have a good day too Kate. Lots of love Hxx
Hi Helen,
Oh that’s so cute… a dog pram 
!! Didnt know they existed lol! I love dogs and mum’s wish was that we got a dog for Alex. We definitely will, he’s been wanting one for some time now. During Covid it wasn’t really possible, but it’s definitely on the itinerary for the future. He wants a westie, like I had growing up. What breed is Stella?
I too have been rationalising about mum’s death. She had been becoming frailer and was struggling more and more to do things. Although it was a terrible shock losing her suddenly, I know that she would have become frailer and more poorly gradually with a greatly reduced quality of life. From an egoistic point of view we’d want our mums to last forever, but I think quality of life is so important. Mum used to joke saying that we should all have a sell by date tag applied once we hit 80 because it is a downhill journey thereafter. I can understand it was a struggle with every month that passed. She was also fiercely independent and wouldn’t have wanted carers in to take care of her personal needs. I am very grateful that it wasn’t necessary. She was on the beach enjoying the late summer sun with us just 3 weeks before she died and watching Alex play footie and dedicate 5 goals to her just 2 days before passing. I like to think she was taken before things started to become too difficult and soul destroying.
We have to look for the positives and the things to be grateful for don’t we?
It’s such a shame we don’t live closer so we could meet up for a chat and a coffee.
Hope you have enjoyed your day out by the sea. Here it’s raining hard and windy. My afternoon will involve overseeing three 10 year olds doing a geography research project 
!
Much love. Kxx
Had my mums funeral on the 23rd, exactly a month after losing her, i think i feel worse now. i have no energy, im struggling to do anything with the kids, luckily my 13 year old understands but my 4 year old wants me to play and do things with him, i just cant, im just sad and missing her so much 
Hi Helen,
Agree with everything you have said . yes I will do something for mum on her 90th.
Aww whereabouts is the beach in Wales you are going to bec mum and I went to North Wales last sept and toured around everywhere. We must have gone to it without knowing.
I was a headteacher at 3 different schools throughout my career and all in Pembrokeshire. Yes primary age children. I am thinking of setting up a small business from home sometime after I get through this so maybe that will keep me busy.
At the moment our house needs a lot of work so that is going to take up my time for the next few months anyway. Am on half redoing my bedroom. Just decorated and had laminated flooring down so next is waiting for new furniture to arrive. Its going to be so lovely but just wish my lovely mum was here to see it as she came with me looking for bits and bobs for it.
Where did you say you live ?
Deborah x
Hi Kate,
My mum too was getting frailer and I could see she really was struggling with her mobility. I had started to worry that she wouldnt be able to live on her own for much longer and had made plans so I could live with her part of the week and her here with us the rest That way she could keep her own house and nothing much would change. She did so well to live on her own until 89 yrs. Thankfully like your mum she was also fiercely independent and had her wits about her even more than me at times lol.
My mum was actually paddling in the Sea at Porthmadog beach with me in North Wales a few weeks before she passed and was just a bundle of fun and game for all sorts of adventures We went on a 10 day road trip staying at different places and it was wonderful all approx 10 weeks before she died. People tell em I have lovely memories and I do but I just want her back.
Thinking of you
Deborah x
Am so sorry for the loss of your mum, my mum passed away july 2021 and i am still struggling without her.
I knew exactly how you felt new years eve, it was hard for me too, felt like mum was getting further away from me. I still have days that are brutal, when the tears just won’t stop.
I just dont feel like the same person anymore. Just feel so empty without her in my life.
I know it will get a little easier as the years go bye.
The day before mum passed away she was fine, i didn’t see it coming.
So many thing i wish i had said to her.
I talk to her photo, that helps , as i believe she hears me.
I think we need to do what ever helps, and be kind to ourselves x
Oh Deborah I know what you mean, we made so many memories over the last 2 and a half years that mum was basically living with us and if I’d have known the end was so near I would have tried to make many more. I’m just so grateful that she was stranded here with us during the 2 lockdowns because I would have been beside myself if she’d been alone in her house given the distance.
To be honest I’d been getting worried about leaving mum alone over the last year or so and had many sleepless nights worrying. It would have killed her to go into a home and she didn’t like the idea of carers either. I just knew that she needed to be with us permanently and thank goodness she was with us in the end.
The last thing to do in the endless bureaucratic process here was to get her own GP and I managed this finally. We were so relieved and happy.
Unfortunately the next morning she left us.
I guess in time all the rugged sharp edges of our loss will become softened and easier to accept, but at the moment even the happy memories are so raw and painful.
Thinking of you.
Kxx
Hi @Jasmine195
Sudden death is so traumatic and I too feel so robbed of being able to tell her so many things. She hadn’t been great in the days before, but I never imagined she was going to leave me so suddenly.
That was nearly 5 months ago…time marches on so rapidly and the pain has lessened, but some days it is so raw again. There will always be a void in me that cannot be filled.
You are further along on this terrible journey, I do know that the loss of our mother is something that we will never get over, the loss becomes part of us.
Sending love and strength.x
Hi Claribelle, sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time. My mum didn’t want a funeral so it was a direct cremation. I’ve heard it hits hard after the funeral as before that you are wrapped up in all the practicalities of organising things. Try and let the grief flow. My mum passed away 6 weeks ago (still can’t believe I’m actually saying that) I absolutely broke my heart, (I still do) I’ve cried, screamed, got angry as much as I could. I’ve felt slightly better recently. I know it will come again but I am just finding I have longer spells between. I’m sure it is so difficult with the children but if you get time alone try and get the pain out. I found I couldn’t cry anymore after an hour or two and then was okay for a while. This is what works for me. I’m not saying it will for you but we need to acknowledge the pain and grief and go with it. It feels terrible but is a release. Sending you my love and thoughts. Helen xx
Hi Claribelle,
I understand exactly what you mean .After my mum’s funeral I thought and still think it’s worse.Worse because I feel so alone in a lot of ways Before the funeral I felt I was doing things still for her but now there isn’t so much.I still have mum’s house to sort and sell but all that can wait until I am ready.
Before the funeral I had to find the strength to carry on each day to meet vicars etc but now I don’t have to meet anyone .I sank into a very low depressive state a few days ago and nothing would budge me from remaining for hours every day in bed. I guess I just wanted to hide from the world.Anyway did that and I am not saying I am better by any means but I feel I am able to at least get up and do a few things around the house.
Just want you to know I am thinking of you
Deborahx
Hi Kate, oh yes, life is better with a dog. They are wonderful. Ours is a Springer spaniel rescue but our previous dog was a Westie we called Tess. She was a character. We got her from a puppy as the children were young then and we thought it was better for training her to fit in with us. She was a great little dog. I hope you get one. It will bring some light into your lives.
Talking of light, we have a little bit of sunshine. Our third granddaughter was born safe and sound last night. A one hour labour and delivered by her mummy, as dad was on the phone to the midwife who was delayed in traffic! It was a perfect home birth without any issues. Her name is Celestine which means ‘angel’ Very fitting under the circumstances I feel. It’s bitter-sweet, as normally I’d be rushing round to tell mum the news and she’d be sharing my enthusiasm, eagerly looking at pictures. Such is life though. The baby has brought some much needed joy into our lives. I cried this morning for both reasons when I awoke to the news. I was working today so had to put my work head on.
I’m finding work very difficult as I am hoping to leave. They are all so lovely and the job is fine but my mind just isn’t in it now I’ve decided to go. I said to Tom, if I still feel like this in 2 weeks and the hours haven’t come through for my new job, I might hand my notice in anyway and just do agency work until the job comes up. My whole perspective has changed since I lost mum. I have to be the happiest I can. It’s a cliché but life really is too short as we know all too well. It goes fast and time could easily run out before we know it. I think some positives have to come from this. Nothing positive about losing mum but the way it has changed my thinking.
I’m still in the early stages of my grief, although I think the excruciating initial pain has eased somewhat, but I can see me doing much more in the future. Taking that holiday, booking those concert tickets, going to see my sisters/friends more. When I feel up to it of course. Like you say, we have to find positives. We have to in our wonderful mums honour. Lots of love to you Hxx
Hi Deborah, I live in Stockport, south Manchester. The beach we went to is one of our favourites. Talacre, which is just in north wales near Flint/queensferry. It has a lighthouse on the beach so great for photos. We always have a little wander round the beach and then have a drink and a bite to eat in the pub afterwards. Then on the way home we pass my favourite fabric shop which I go to while my husband, Tom, and our dog have a sleep in the car! Perfect day. Another favourite is Barmouth but a good 2+ hours drive for us. Beautiful place.
I’m still finding all this terribly difficult. It’s like the colour has gone from my life and there is no joy in anything. I actually had quite a good day yesterday but was in tears on the way home thinking, mum would love this. I still can’t think about the future. I have to stop myself as it’s too painful to imagine. It really is just dealing the here and now.
You may have read in my post to Kate that we have a little bit of sunshine. A new baby granddaughter was born last night. My daughter has named her Celestine which means ‘angel’ I feel that’s a lovely tribute to my angel mum. 
How bloody hard is this? So so difficult isn’t it? I miss my mum so much it is a physical pain. It sounds like your pain is easing very slightly. Mine too has eased but only by one notch. I think we will always have pain but will learn to live with it. I keep thinking about my mum and how she dealt with losses in her life. She is still guiding me and she is my inspiration. Sending you lots of love Hxx
Hiya Helen,
Wow a new granddaughter How wonderful. One of the songs at mums funeral was called Anfonaf Angel which means I am sending you an angel. The words are so beautiful. It is sung by Rhys Meirion if you ever get a chance to listen to it. Its all about sending an angel to console you so just think that little Celestine will certainly do that.
I don’t think my pain is easing. Been in bed most of today as couldn’t sleep at all last night and was awake throughout the night mainly on this site. Today i was so washed out that couldn’t function. Then woke up sobbing again. Just trying to get through each day. Still haven’t been out of the house for at least 3 weeks now. Just can’t go out.
I could scream all day long bec it hurts so much.
I shall have to find the beach you went to Sounds so lovely.
I haven’t checked much on here today but will do later when the night time is worse for me
Keep doing everything you can to get through all this
Love and thinking of you
Will keep in touch
Deborah x
Oh Helen…what lovely news!! A ray of light in this dark period!! I’m so happy for you all and what a lovely name! I’m sure your mum is celebrating too! Your daughter was so brave to do it all alone too…wow!!
Babies bring so much joy. 
I was a bit down this morning, I just fell angry and sad.
I was working from home, so always more emotional. I was eating everything unhealthy in sight and felt quite sorry for myself.
I texted mum’s neighbour in Gloucester and found out that one of mum’s neighbours has had a stroke and been diagnosed with bowel cancer. He’s 93 with no family and was found on the floor after some time, poor chap,he now has carers going in twice a day. Another neighbour has also passed away suddenly from cardiac arrest. Made me sad because all the neighbours are going… mum was one of the last of the older generation. I’ve known them all my life.
Your work plan sounds a good idea. I’m sure you will easily find agency work being a nurse. Are you working part time for now?
As you rightly say we MUST do what makes us happy. Our mums want that, we have to strive to be happy for them. There’s no point being in a job that doesn’t feel right, being with people that don’t bring out the best of us… this experience has taught me so much about genuine people and life in general. I seem to hear mum’s advice in my head and I want to follow that.
On days like today I miss her so much.
Sending love,
K xx