Hi Deborah… today I’ve not been too bad but I know it’s just a question of time until the next wave hits. Tomorrow will be 5 months… it’s just unbelievable to me that 5 months have passed since mum was here with me and we were going about our day to day life. It seems an age ago but also like yesterday at the same time.
Have been on the phone to the insurance people today as mum’s house insurance will expire soon and they told me they won’t insure the house again as its unoccupied!!
Now I have to try and find an insurance company who will …grrrr.
I read on your other post that you haven’t been to your mum’s as planned. You will when you feel you can… remember no pressure…it’s very early days and we just have to do what we can each day.
Thinking of you. Kxx
Hi Kate
I too have had to change the utilities over to my name from mums house Had no trouble with the insurance company and told them it would be empty except when i stay there. Mums insurance company were Saga and they were brilliant. Also did you know you can get free council tax for the first six months. Changed the electricity over no probs and disconnected the phone Still got the water and gas to do. Am going through probate at the moment Done it all myself No solicitor as they only see the £ signs.
Probate is all done on line as so far everything has gone smoothly Should be sorted in approx 4 mths they said . Until then I am not allowed to remove anything from the house.
Deborah x
Ooh thanks for that tip Deborah. I will try contacting Saga. I know the council tax people were very helpful.
I too did the online probate application but not until the end of January… I literally couldn’t face it before then. I kept putting off week after week, I just felt too drained with zero energy.
Now it’s just a waiting game I guess.
Speak soon.K xx
Hi Kate
I only did the probate forms a week ago Mum passed Dec30th so you are ahead of me. I couldn’t face it then one night I thought ok let’s get this done before I feel too awful to do it.I felt my mum willing me on even though bless her she wouldn’t have had a clue what to do.I can hear her saying thank you for doing it Deb.
Change of plan Am not putting mum’s ashes down until about Easter.I am nowhere ready to do it. My husband is collecting them next week and I will have her here with me. I have heard from Helen that she feels better having her mum’s with her. I never thought I would feel like this and my mum would tell me off because she didn’t agree with people keeping ashes but I just need to hold on to them a little longer.
I think a lot of people are shocked at how I am still depressed over mum’s passing.Theircanswer is I should see a doctor,go on medication,pull myself together,go on holiday, have a spa day.Honestly what is wrong with people.Di they honestly think any of those things will cure me.Thats all I want is to be left alone. I feel I am doing okish in my own little world of grief. Carrying on each day is massive challenge and to get through each day is a huge achievement.
I wish they had something in my local area where people could just go and talk to others because if so I would go there is nothing like that and the only help available is via the go for counselling via a long waiting list I don’t mean something like that though where people get specialist help but somewhere where people can just pop in for a coffee and chat to others informally like we are doing on here.There is a massive opportunity for somebody to start something in my area. Maybe when I am feeling better I may look into it
Hope you are ok tonight
Am here if you need a chat anytime
Deborah x
Oh Deborah I do understand. We just have to do what we feel we can when the time is right. I went back to work after a week basically because my boss needed me not because I wanted to. Here in Italy you get 3 days off for bereavment and that’s it. Probate took me an age to do because I had no energy, but at the end it wasn’t as complicated as I thought and I didn’t involve a solicitor (for now anyway 
).
The ashes are such a personal decision. My dad was scattered in mum’s garden in Uk as he adored gardening so it just seemed fitting. Mum was now living with us here in Italy and she said a few days/weeks before passing (did she feel the end was near I ask?) to be scattered in the garden here to be near to us. Then at the undertakers I saw the most beautiful photo frame for holding of ashes not at all urn like and we put in it a lovely photo of mum, me and my son Alex taken 2 years ago on Mother’s day. It’s here up on a shelf in the lounge and it really is comforting,. I talk to her, put flowers by her and I feel she is here with us in the chaos of normal family life, just like she was. I know she would have approved. If at a later date I feel I want to scatter the ashes then I will, but for now I feel her close by and it helps.
It’s true, society is egging us on to forget our grief, to snap out of it, to be happy. It’s so annoying! I have had little/no support from friends, I think they don’t know what to say so say nothing. I find so much comfort here… i only wish I’d discovered it sooner and not after nearly 3 months. For the first 2 months I was so so down and alone in my grief…it was horrible.
You are bound to feel as you do, your mum was a huge part of your life, as was mine. At times I just feel lost. I was basically caring for mum, though thankfully she was still able to wash, dress herself etc, as she was so proud in that respect, but everything we did revolved around her. Now the house is just so empty without her.
Here there are no bereavement groups that meet up, but I know in the Uk they do exist. What’s your nearest big town? Maybe there they do have them? I would definitely go if they existed here.
The best therapy is speaking about our loss… it really is… so post here every time you want to chat.
I’m always here.
Lots of love, K xx
Oh bless you … I remember the first card after dad passed too…it seemed so bare with just
love mummy.
I saw the start of the match on BT Sport. Was thinking of you…the atmosphere seemed electric!!
Hope you’ve had more smiles than tears today H.
Thinking of you.
K xxxx
Hi Deborah. You didn’t fail to go to your mums house love, you just weren’t ready. We are all trying to navigate this hell as best we can. I was in bits the other day when I saw mums nail varnish remover in the bathroom cabinet. That was just one simple item. I can’t imagine going into the house to sort everything out. It must be the hardest thing. Time will go by and this will become more normal to us. A colleague at work who lost her mum told me you live alongside the grief and you reach a point where you feel at peace with it all. I can’t imagine being at peace with any of this but it gave me hope.
My birthday was okayish. I went to the stadium to watch the game using mums ticket. It was emotional but I did feel close to mum. I got a card off dad. That was so hard. The first card off just dad. This is why I told people I wasn’t celebrating but they just couldn’t stop themselves. I cried for about an hour after getting that card. Anyway, the day is over now. The 19th will be tough for all of us but especially difficult for you with it being your birthday too. I’ll be thinking of you. We’ll chat more before then anyway. We’re all here for each other. Sending love as always Hxx
Hi Kate, well it’s done now. The day is over. The match was good but emotional. I had to explain to the guys who sit next to mum and dad why they haven’t been for ages. They were really upset and shocked. They’ve all sat next to each other for 15 years so have got to know each other well over that time. They had phoned mum and dad to see if they were okay. Obviously mum hadn’t answered and dad couldn’t face speaking to anyone. It was really difficult. At least they know now. It was a good game. I managed to hold it together mostly. We’d left our dog with dad so went round there after the game. We stayed for a bit and had a cup of tea etc. dad had bought me a gift, bless him. Seeing the card set me off. It was just seeing it there in black and white like a punch in the stomach. How hard for you as a little 9 year old getting your first card from just ‘mummy’ To think even at that age you were trying to be so brave for your mum. So sad.
I hope your football match was good and Alex enjoyed himself. We have to keep finding something to make us smile. I was telling Deborah about a friend at work who lost her mum. She said you learn to live alongside the grief and you reach a point where you feel at peace with it. One day hopefully 
sending you lots of love Hxx
Hi Helen and Kate,
Well what a day. I am sending you a virtual scream.I have had the most awful day.
Woke up very early and went to visit a friend who lives approx 60 miles away.She has been my rock since mum passed telephoning me,texting,sending messages you name it.Her son who was only 32 passed away 5 yrs ago and 3 days ago it was the anniversary of his death so she had been in a terrible state for the past week with the build up and the day etc .Anyway she invited me to her house for the day for lunch.Was very nervous as I hadn’t been out of the house for 3 weeks.Also from the time mum started being ill to today I hadn’t driven for five months
So it was a big day. I also had to drive through the town where mum had lived.This morning I set off,felt a bit wobbly driving but as it was so early like 7am there were few cars on the road so all ok even when I drove through mum’s town.Hadva lovely few hrs with my friend with lunch etc and we talked about all sorts including our grief.I am on half decorating my bedroom so wanted to look for curtains so left my friends to do this.However I had been to the shop many times with mum but kept telling myself Deb you can do this so I walked around concentrating on curtains etc Got through the experience walked back to the car and felt so relieved it was over but also proud I had actually achieved it.Gosh I can’t even believe I am writing this because it seems so trivial.Then I went to Tesco to do a small food shop.Big mistake. I used to take my mum to that shop and used to tell her to walk around looking for whatever she wanted and I would catch-up with her.Her mobility was terrible so she never got very far bless her. As I walked around all the familiar things she bought eg the particular brand of cheese she always wanted,the right brand of shampoo,the fruit and veg she loved all brought memories back for me and I started filling up and couldn’t control the tears.Ivwas in the middle of a large Tesco crying my heart out .People were looking at me and there was nowhere to hide.I tried to go up one aisle only for people to be everywhere.I think I almost had a panic attack.I didn’t know what to do as I had my trolley full of food with no escape.Thankfully there was a clothes dept and changing rooms and a lovely assistant who asked if I was ok.After I explained briefly as I couldn’t speak even she took my trolley and showed me into a cubicle so I could sort myself out.After sitting down for a minute putting fresh make up on and pinching my arm so I could re enter the store I managed to get to the self service tills where the assistant did everything for me and I could escape to the car where I just sobbed.I can never thank her enough for her kindness.Will write to Tesco about her.
After what seemed hours but was only about ten minutes I managed to drive and actually made it to my mum’s house.I thought here goes.In I went and just pretended my mum was there. I put on all the lights and just kept talking as if she was there. Then her next door neighbour saw me there and I asked if she wanted to come in.It was the first time she had come into the house since the day she had passed so when she did she just broke down in tears.So that started me off again and I told her my story. Mum’s neighbour was so kind to mum making cooked dinners for her,cutting the lawn,calling to sit with her every day for about 15 mins and taking her little boy aged 2yrs into see her which mum loved.So it was very emotional for her as she had known mum all her life as her gran had lived next door previous to her buying the house.Also she has a 25 and 13 yr old so mum has been a big part of her family also for years and years. I just sat on mum’s house crying and crying .Walked into every room and thought where do I start I sorting everything out.Where do I put things.All the questions going round in my head.I couldn’t face doing anything there today and as it was late I headed home which was another 35 miles.Got into my house and just burst out crying again telling my husband everything. What a day!!! Goodness knows what but my mum would have known how to deal with it and would have helped me but that’s the big problem.The only person who can help me is not here.
So I had a bite to eat and just went to bed.Slept for a few hrs and here I am again awake with this torture.Woke up and couldn’t stop crying so got up made a cuppa and am on this site as it’s the only thing that helps me.Thank god for this site.
So sorry to keep on .I know you both have your own grief to deal with.
Thinking of you both.
Helen I understand about your card.I am dreading the 19th my birthday and mother’s day There will be no celebrations for my mum and no card from her on my birthday. But at least I get both over and done with on the same day I suppose.
Kate I think the idea of the ashes in a frame is lovely. After today I realise I am ready to put mum’s ashes in the grave yet.I am going to rethink lots of things and when I hear people say take baby steps I really have to
Thank you both and to everyone who have helped me
Deborahx
Hi Deborah, I just read this and and am so sad for you that you had such an awful time yesterday. You did an awful lot in a single day. Well done for pushing yourself but it was obviously too much. It was good for you and your friend to see each other, Even though at the moment it is such sad circumstances. Hopefully you will see each other more often and in time you will be able to laugh with each other again.
What an awful experience in Tesco. I’ve been worried about this happening as I’ve felt my tears are very close to the surface most of the time. Tesco was a trip you did with mum so the images and sense of loss would have been so strong in there. The aisles where she pottered along, the cheeses she liked. It’s seeing the small, seemingly insignificant things that get you the most I find. Like seeing my mum’s nail varnish remover and cotton wool in the cupboard all ready for her where she left them. I think you did remarkably well to remain in the shop. I’d have just left my shopping and headed straight home. Then after that you went to your mum’s house. That was really brave.
Even though it was traumatic it’s probably a big step forward. It’s probably going to be the worst experience you will have. You will have learnt that you are okay to go out and do things but not as much as you thought yet. Maybe you will take your husband to Tesco next time so you can just go to the car if you need to. That will be your safety net.
Like you say baby steps. We will get through this Deborah. This awful pain will ease for us love. We will have joy in our lives again. We are still in early grief but we won’t be forever. Keep going forward with these steps you are taking. You did so well to do all that. Try and go back to Tesco and mums house again soon as it might not be so bad next time. Sending you so much love and thoughts Helen xxx
Hi Helen
I’m glad you had a good be it an emotional birthday. It really is a milestone and mine was also about 8 weeks after losing mum. I tried to put a brave face on but was feeling empty inside.
I can only imagine how difficult it was talking to the couple at the stadium and getting the card from your dad. It’s all the firsts.
I am already dreading Mother’s Day. Here in Italy 19th March is actually Father’s day every year as it’s St Joseph’s Day. I suppose I will focus on that for Alex to celebrate his dad, but tbh I feel like hibernating that day. There isn’t all the hype here as Mother’s day is in May, but going on social media will be hard…it’s too raw, early days. Last year mum had come over the day before Mother’s day and I made her her favourite roast to celebrate.
I keep on saying this time last year… which is natural but so hard. Then it’s mum’s birthday on 28th… another difficult day but we are going to try to honour mum all the same. Maybe make one of her favourite dishes.
It just seems unbelievable that I’m writing this… even after 5 months it still seems impossible that our lives can change so suddenly. We have to learn to navigate these new waters, this new life.
I am looking forward to that day when I can be at peace as your colleague said. We have to believe we will get there.
Have a good day and sending love.
K xxx
Oh Deborah I’m sorry yesterday was so difficult, but as Helen said you tried to do a lot of things and alone too. Well done for even attempting them!
After 5 months I still find grocery shopping hard. Going down the aisle with mum’s favourite biscuits I used to buy her every week still stings.
Goodness knows how it wiil be when I go back to her house in Uk. I am already dreading it. So many memories… things to go through get rid of. I’m just hope I can find comfort there too.
Maybe you can meet up with your friend on a regular basis? I think it helps to have someone to be able to talk it over with. I agree with Helen, yesterday could well have been the worst day and things will slowly start becoming easier, just one step at a time. You will get there!
Thinking of you.
Love K xx
Hi Helen
You are so right.I felt I was ok to venture out but realise now it was far too much yesterday. I need to take my husband with me for sure. Can’t believe that happened to me yesterday. Didn’t sleep at all last night Still had that horrible choking feeling in my throat and heavy pain into chest area. Been in bed most of day catching up with my sleep.
Going to force myself to go out again tom with my husband though and we are going shopping for curtains If I don’t go out I will be back in square one
Will keep in touch
Deborah x
Hi Kate,
Yes agree I did far too much yesterday. Have learnt the hard way big time.
Never did I think that would happen.
Today has been a get over it day really as didn’t sleep last night and spent today sleeping.
I am going to stay at mum’s next week for a few days because as hard as it was yesterday I felt so close to her there. I shall start sorting her wardrobe and go slowly. We are definitely getting her ashes also No more trips and coming back without them.
Will keep in touch
Deborah x
Hi Kate and Deborah, I’m pleased to say I’ve had quite a good day today. I’ve had two small weeps which is really good as a normal day is a proper cry several times a day.
I went to church this morning and took dad. They always do tea/coffee at the end and it was dad that wanted to stay. He was being really sociable and met up with someone he knew a long time ago. They talked about going for a walk together when the weather gets warmer. Honestly, this has given me such a boost as I’ve been so worried about dad giving up and becoming more frail etc. As you know, another level to my grief has been the anxiety and heartbreak of seeing dad so broken. It was just lovely to see him like that today. He even made a joke ( proper dad joke!) which is what I’ve missed since we lost mum. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still devastated at the kids if mum. I know things can and probably will dip again, but it’s just been such a nice respite from all the darkness. There is light at the end of this long dark tunnel for us all. Today has proved that.
Deborah, you have a very emotional week ahead of you but I think it’s a huge step forward for you. You will no doubt feel a lot of pain sorting your beloved mums things but go with the grief. We will be thinking of you. I think about you both a lot and get so much comfort from talking with you both. Wishing us all some peace in the coming week. Lots of love to you. Hxxxx
2 Likes
Hi Ladies,
Have had quite a good day today and had some friends over for pizza tonight. We haven’t done much socializing of late so it was a nice change. I was telling them about the support that I have found on this forum and the lovely people that I have met, well virtually anyway. It’s finding new friends who are helping each other out in the midst of the darkest time of our lives. 
Helen it sounds as if your dad may have turned a corner, I do hope so. I’m sure he will get his sparkle back in time. It’s very early days for him but today may well have been a turning point. Are you finding going to church is helping? Do you feel closer to your mum there?
I thought of you today as I went to the park for a walk and saw a dog in a dog pram… had a little chuckle as it looked so cute!
Deborah, it seems that you are making progress by giving yourself targets for the days ahead which is great.
I’m sure you will find comfort from collecting your mum’s ashes this week. As I said before, I too will have to go to mum’s house in the not too distant future so reading how you are doing in that respect is a help to me. It’s something I will have to face. I’m dreading it at the moment, but I hope I will find some comfort there like you have.
I’ll sign off for now, wishing you both a positive start to the new week and sending love. Kxxx
Hi Kate and Deborah
I’ve been thinking about you today, especially you Deborah having such a hard time right now. I hope this week brings some comfort. Going to your mums house will be a tough one. Setting these goals is a good thing. You will feel like you have achieved something. It’s all part of our healing process. All these steps are us moving closer to finding some peace. Me going back to work has been difficult but I am proud of myself and I hope my mum is proud of me too.
Kate, I can’t say church makes me feel closer to mum but it does give me some comfort. I actually felt closer to mum at the football stadium. Even though it was really hard being there, I can’t wait to go again. It felt like the day was about mum. What makes you feel close to your mum?
I also tell people about the lovely friends I’ve met on here and what support you have been and continue to be. How fortunate we are to live in an age where meeting likeminded people is so easy and accessible. Maybe we can meet up in person one day?
The dog pram has been a godsend. I push my dog Stella to the canal then let her out to roam off her lead. She gets so far then her legs start to wobble so I put her back in. I did feel a bit daft at first but getting used to it now. She would be stuck indoors without it. If you use Facebook I can send you some pictures of her in the pram. She’s very sweet being pushed, looking around
I’m still feeling okayish but can feel the deep sadness coming on again. I’ve had a couple of little weeps today. No major meltdowns but I can feel that will come in the next day or so. For now, I’m making the most of the respite. I hope you get a better day soon Deborah. Our grief is so personal so no right or wrong and no timeframe. We would all do anything not to be here but life has thrown this upon us.
I hope you continue to have better days Kate. So good to hear you had a nice social catch up with friends. Your mum will be happy about that. We need to keep pushing on don’t we? We have to keep living.
Lots of love to you both. Helen xxx
