Hi Helen and Kate,
I am off tom to mums so fingers crossed I will be ok . I am determined to collect her ashes by Thursday.
Yes it would be wonderful to met up sometime. Perhaps when Kate comes over we can arrange something. I don’t mind travelling.
I have had an okish sort of day. Listened to a programme about Andre Bocelli tonight and he sang a song that was at mums funeral. Was crying but it was so lovely.
We played a song sang by him and his family called The Greatest Gift is Love. The first line of the song was so special. Every night I used to lay my head next to her on the pillow stretching across from the armchair I sat on and we looked out of the window and watched the stars. I just had to play it at the funeral as it was me and mum .Andrea, Matteo & Virginia Bocelli - The Greatest Gift (Lyrics Traduzione 🇮🇹) - YouTube
Hope you like it
Will let you know how i get on in a few days .
Deborah x
Hi Helen and Deborah
Been feeling exhausted these past 2 days and been busy with lots of things to do… probably pushing myself to the limit. Note to self: I should learn ho say No once in a while! I’m feeling okayish but had a few weeps when driving from A to B. Sometimes it still seems impossible that mum’s gone.
Helen, I suppose I feel closest to mum when I’m at home and often speak to her photo. I find it difficult to go to places we went together like the local hairdressers. I can really understand that you feel close to your mum at the stadium. I wish mum had had a similar hobby because then I could go there to feel close to her. I guess her house will be a big one for me. At the moment it just feels daunting.
It would be great to meet up. I feel very close to you ladies and the support has been invaluable. I feel like we’ve known each other for ages even though it’s only been less than 2 months. All thanks to our dear mums, almost like they wanted to leave us a special gift of new friendship.
Deborah where in Wales do you live?
I will be over in June so we should try meeting up then.
Helen, I will send you my facebook so I can see the photos. I wish dog prams were about when I was a child. My poor pooch Jess suffered from terrible arthritis so it was so difficult taking her out on walks as she got older…bless.
Deborah, hope all goes well at your mums. Thinking of you.
Science homework awaits me… skeleton and bones tonight…exciting!! 
Sending love to both.
K xxx
Hi Deborah and Kate,
I’ve had a strange couple of days in that I haven’t done any intensive crying. The tears have been very close to the surface and I’ve had a few little weeps but nothing more. The terrible sadness is still there. I feel guilty in a way. I feel like I should be crying more. It doesn’t mean my heartbreak has lessened. I’m just as devastated. It still feels like it can’t be true. My mum can’t possibly have died. Can she? But somehow I seem to be controlling the outward grief more. Maybe it’s because I’ve been at work and have to hold it together more. When I finished work before I just wanted to get home to have a cry and I did but not as much as I thought. Is this what people mean by ‘you learn to live with it’? I still miss mum like hell.
Kate, maybe you did push yourself too much. I suppose we crave some normality and try and crack on with it but then remember nothing feels normal anymore. It’s a new normal we have to find.
The dog pram is so good. Poor Stella wouldn’t be able to get out without it. She’s pretty cute in it.
I’d love to meet up and I don’t mind driving. Maybe we could set a date in June when you are over Kate. We could look on the map and find somewhere in the middle of us all. Deborah is in south wales so with me near Manchester we are a bit of a triangle.
Deborah, I’ll be thinking of you going to your mum’s house. When you get the ashes, remember you don’t have to do anything with them yet. Keep them with you for as long as you need to. Music is such a comfort and can also cause pain too. When mum was in her last couple of hours, I was singing to her. I sang a few different songs to her but one of them was ‘You are my sunshine’ it’s quite difficult to hear that now.
Our mums are behind our friendship. We have a unique connection. My Facebook is Helen Ferns and a picture of me stood in front of a fire with my glass of brandy. It’s from Christmas Day year before last. When life was normal and I still had mum.
The homework you do sounds really interesting Kate. I bet you learn loads! Take care girls and sending lots of love and thoughts your way. Hxx
Hi Helen and Kate,
Just read your posts. Am awake all stupid hours again.Didnt make it to mum’s house yet again.Have had crying fits for days and been really down with depression.Today I hardly got out of bed,didnt wash dress or eat much.Just moped around ,been in a mood with my poor husband over anything and everything and it was best I kept to myself. The feeling of my mum and I never going in the car again,on holiday,out for meals,shopping,going to church, walking on the beach doesn’t seem real.I am struggling to believe this has all happened since Dec 30th. I desperately want her back and it hurts so much.I keep crying over everything
I find watching TV triggers me ,the radio does,out in the car watching other people simply going about their everyday lives makes me say horrible things like why couldn’t it have been them. I hate myself for even writing like this.
Kate where abouts is your mum’s house?I live in Pembrokeshire in a town called Haverfordwest.My mum’s house is in Carmarthen. I don’t mind travelling anywhere.It would be amazing to meet up.
Deborah x
Aw Deborah, I’m so sorry to hear you are still in the pits of despair. This is the absolute worst time of our lives. I suppose me having to go to work and be there for my dad has made me get up and face the world.
Where I live is a place called Beechwood cancer care. It’s for anyone facing cancer and relatives too. But they help anyone who is bereaved for any reason, not just cancer. They do one-to-one counselling, group sessions, therapies such as reiki, aromatherapy etc. it’s all free as it is a charitable organisation. I know you said there wasn’t anything locally but is there anything like that within an hours drive? Maybe your GP could point you in the right direction. It was going to be me my back up plan if I didn’t feel I could cope. There are days, in fact at some point everyday, when I think, ‘How the hell am I going to deal with this? I can’t do it. I want to go with mum’ I have a good cry and then am able to do things.
Yesterday at work I set off crying but was able to contain it quite quickly. There is a mother and daughter who both work in the office. It’s quite a big room and I just heard the daughter shout across ‘Mum, mum…?’ I just thought, I’ll never say that again. Something that small can just set me off. The tears are always just beneath the surface but I am sleeping/eating and managing to function, albeit without any joy whatsoever.
It’s a massive loss we are experiencing and it is life changing. We will all deal with it differently even though the heartbreak is the same agony. Sending you lots of love and thinking of you Hxxx
Hi Helen.
Totally agree.Its the little things that set me off and they seem to be everywhere. Haven’t slept much.Eoke up to snow though so got up and took some photos and made a cup of tea and felt a bit better.Its not going to be a quick fix all this and being retired I am home all day now that I don’t go to see mum.Its the start of a new life for me really. I can’t go to mum’s house today now as the roads are not too good for driving because of the snow so I will go tom.Just going to do a few jobs in the house today. Have you had any snow overnight?
My son will be back in two weeks so I know that will perk me up. He is touring with his work at the moment so I can’t wait for him to be home again.
It’s the waking up every morning knowing you have to find the strength to carry on in what now is a totally new world.
Deborah x
Hi Deborah, yes, I think having to go to work and sort dad has been my push to keep going. I could quite easily curl up in a ball and shut this unfamiliar new world out but these things have kept me going. There is no quick fix. It will take whatever length of time is required.
We haven’t had any snow but it has been bitterly cold. My husband Tom has taken today off work so we are going in to Manchester for a few bits. That will be tough as Mum was a proud Manchester lass and I think of it as her city. We’ve been getting the train into town together all my life, from being tiny. I am going to try and be as cheerful as I can though as we are allowed to have the odd nice day and poor Tom has been through hell with me and also he too is grieving my mum. Small steps.
Oh how lovely to have your son home. I count the days until I see my children again. Hope you have some snippets of happiness today. Even if it is just enjoying the snowy scene outside. Speak soon. Much love Hxxx
Hi Deborah and Helen,
I’m sorry that you are having a difficut time Debotah.
I really believe that if I wasn’t forced to keep busy for my job and my Alex I would be much worse than I am. I would be moping around in my pj’s all day.
I am not watching any of mum’s programmes because the pain would be far too much. Today I went to the hairdressers we went together and nearly lost it totally. So many memories. I miss her so much.
Today is my partner’s birthday so I tried to be cheerful for him… he has been so good and we went out for a meal. Again, I was thinking about years gone by when mum was here with us to celebrate. 3 years ago she was here and we were celebrating when Italy was the first European country to be forced into a lockdown.
On a positive note, I heard that probate has been granted today, so just over a month. That’s good. Deborah you won’t be far behind.
Mum’s house is in Gloucester so maybe Birmingham would be a central meeting point… or Cardiff?
Helen, hope you had a good day in Manchester. I bet it did you good, even though you had so many memories of your mum. It will be the same for me when I go back to Gloucester.
I hear you have had snow… here it was 21 degrees today!!
Hoping you will have a better day tomorrow Deborah and sending love to you both. K xxx
Hi Helen and Kate,
Didn’t manage to go out today as snow everywhere and roads were not good. but tomorrow I am definitly getting myself out and will do hopefully loads.
The snow was very pretty. Got up at 5am and had such a surprise so took some photos.
I think thats the problem with being retired there is so much time to dwell on every minute detail.
I had a letter from probate saying they will be in touch so that was 2 weeks ago.
Cardiff is approx 3 hrs away from me so that would be great
Helen how far is it for you. Would you be able to get the train from Manchester? If you fancy staying the night at a hotel I know of plenty that are central and not far from the train station. How far is Cardiff from your mums Kate ? It would be amazing if we could arrange something.
Helen hope you had a good day in Manchester. I used to go to Whitefield a lot when i was in uni and then into Manchester shopping. Is there still a place called the Arndale Centre there or something like that.
Yes can’t wait for my son to come home. Probably have stacks of washing for me to do lol
Will be in touch again soon
Deborah x
Hi Deborah and Kate, I really don’t mind where we meet. I’m happy to stay over so don’t even mind travelling nearer to you guys. We can arrange something when we know the dates Kate is over.
Although you’re retired Deborah, could you do something as a daily routine. When I was off work I made myself go swimming each day. Believe me, it wasn’t easy, I had to force myself and as I was crying all the time then including in the pool, it was hard. Maybe you could make yourself get outdoors every day at least once, even if it’s just in the garden. Or write a journal of your feelings, then you can look back and see how far you’ve come. Anything to give you some other focus. It’s how you feel though, and what you can manage. What works for one person might not work for another. The swimming made me get up and dressed as well as the exercise.
I hope you had a lovely evening Kate. It was a lovey picture you sent me on messenger. Nice to see you looking happy and doing normal life in all this. We just have to keep pushing forward. You’ll be making your mum proud.
Work has been a mixed blessing. As you know I am hoping to go back to my old job so because of that , my mindset has changed and my heart is just not in my current job which makes it a chore going in. On the other hand, I have to focus on something else when I’m there so it has been a good distraction. I also have dad of course. I realise I’m still very lucky to have my dad. He’s incredibly precious. We’ve told him he has to live until he’s at least 120 as we can’t go through this again!! Worryingly though, his health has deteriorated since mum died and he seems to have aged more. To be expected I suppose but a real concern. Mum was such a strong woman, he relied on her for so much, she pushed him to go to the doctors, take his meds etc Now that is our job.
Had a good day yesterday. We had a nice lunch in town and did some clothes shopping. I did feel sad when the train pulled into Piccadilly. When my topic of conversation started getting melancholic, Tom quickly diverted it to something else. He knows what sets me off crying. He’s also good at letting me be miserable and talk about mum when I need to but he did well to stop it yesterday.
We got back about 4 so then took our dog for a walk (and push 
) along the canal near where we live so it was good to get my nature fix.
I have woken up feeling terribly sad again but I am working today so I will try and save my tears for later. Have a good day and I hope you have a better day Deborah. Thinking of you both. Lots of love Hxx
Yes Deborah, the Arndale centre is still there. One of my first jobs as a teenager was in the offices at the Arndale. It’s been revamped since then though. The days when we all went to the pub at lunchtime, including 16 year old me!! No one bothered. It was just normal then. Oh the good old 80’s! xx
Hi Helen and Deborah
We had a nice meal out last night to celebrate Valerio’s birthday. Had more wine than I’m used to so feel a bit dehydrated today lol.
I agree about setting small goals for the day Helen. I also made myself go back to the gym in January. I don’t go that often, I prefer to get outdoors to walk, but with cold weather it’s not as appealing. I also write down my thoughts to mum periodically in a journal. This was helpful especially at the beginning. It’s having something to focus on that I find helps. It’s finding that thing that makes us get up and carry on isn’t it? Deborah I’m sure you will feel much better when your son is back.
Cardiff is less than an hour and a half from Gloucester, but I don’t mind travelling more north. I studied st Cardiff Uni so it would bring back memories!! We can definitely sort something nearer the time.
We are going back to the mountains later on to see our friends. It will be the last opportunity for Alex and his dad to ski this winter. I prefer to go walking as I feel it calms my mind more, being out in nature.
I feel my mind races at times and I start having catastrophic thoughts. I’ve always been a bit of a worrier (like dad, mum was completely the opposite) so I tend to become anxious quite easily. Since mum died so suddenly this has reared its head again.
Glad you had a good day out in town Helen. A bit of retail therapy always helps to make me feel better!
Are you back to work most days now?
Hope you both have a good day!
Sending love. Kxxx
Hi Kate and Deborah, well I heard grief comes in waves and it certainly is. I was doing okay the last couple of days and then it hit me again yesterday and I cried for the rest of the day and cried myself to sleep. Had a bit of a cry when I woke up but have pulled myself together a bit. But oh, the pain! I went to see my nephews children after school yesterday and driving home I just broke down. Thinking how much mum loved the children and now she won’t ever be able to enjoy them. It just broke my heart so much and still does.
I am lucky enough to work part time. I cut my hours down 4 years ago which has been great. I generally work 3 long mornings a week so 8-2pm Mon/Tuesday/Thursday. It’s pretty good. I think that’s why it will take a bit longer to get some hours in my old job as I only want about 20 hours. How about you Kate? Are you still full time?
Losing mum has been life changing. I’m not sure yet the full extent of how my life will change but it will never be the same. I am determined to be happy again though. It has shook me to the core and I want to reset my life and make some positive changes when I’m ready of course.
I can relate to the anxiety Kate. I’ve had a terrible feeling of worry that everyone I love is going to die. I try and take care of my health but now I think, if I stay too healthy there’s more chance I will outlive my husband, sisters etc and I can’t cope with losing anyone else. It’s completely irrational I know but it’s how my mind is working right now. It’s the grief. I think losing our mums so unexpectedly makes you feel so vulnerable and the fragility of life is at the forefront.
Deborah, I’ve been thinking about you. I hope you can get some comfort knowing people care. We are all in this pain together so we know how much it hurts and how debilitating it can be. It paralyses you doesn’t it? I’m sure seeing your son will lift your spirits no end.
Lots of love and thoughts to you both my friends and love to our mums. Always with us Hxxx
Hello K, H and D. I haven’t posted on here for over a week as back in the thick of being a social worker and also think coming down with flu/ Covid. Have felt grotty all week - and shouted at/ spoken over by a few clients this week. Welcome back! I’m of today luckily. I’m so up and down over losing Mum. It’s only been just over 9 weeks ( funeral only one month ago) and feel so sad. I am changed and I think I’m accepting this is the new me. My sparkle has gone and I feel like I’m a drama student in the week, trying to act happy, caring and passionate for the young people I work with. I was in Court the other day advocating for a teenager and i just wanted to scream at the Judge. I didn’t - I somehow managed to keep it together. I can’t get Mum out of my head and I’m still googling things I should be over by now - or at least accepting. Trying to make sense of Mum telling us a week before she passed she was really going to miss us all. I’m convinced she knew something- my sister thinks it was a response to us leaving the room. I suppose it shouldn’t matter but I keep thinking how alone she must have felt. Mum went into a care home with Alzheimer’s in 2021 and in a slow decline but during the last visit ( week before hospital admission following infection) she knew who we were still. I keep thinking if the paramedics had got to her sooner she would still be here. But I know deep down she was too weak to fight the sudden infection. My brain can’t comprehend how she was ready for discharge one minute, eating her dinner, and then closed her eyes and passed. I wasnt even there to hold her hand…. I’m hoping in time I will forget the suffering and just focus on the good days. Seems incomprehensible at the moment though. This group has been a comfort to me and hope you all remain on the group for a while . Jules x
Hi Jules, we have all been and still are going through this. The endless questions, ‘what if…, why didn’t I see it coming…, etc’ I was torturing myself with it last night. I cried myself to sleep. Why didn’t I see the signs that mum had cancer? We had 8 precious days with her from diagnosis. I can’t believe it happened. Just like that. Having Christmas dinner with us and then a couple of weeks later she’s gone! It’s so hard to get your head around. You have to tell yourself, it was her time. No rhyme nor reason, it was just her time. Like it will be our time one day. There was nothing we could have done. If your mum was sat up eating dinner so soon before she passed then why would you have thought anything other than she was okay? It seems a normal process to question and analyse everything over and over. It’s futile, love. Nothing will bring our mums back. We need to cry, shout, get angry so we can heal. We will all be okay. It’s going to take time. I will miss my mum forever but I think it’s a case if getting used to missing her. That being the new normal. From one heartbroken daughter to another, sending you lots of love Helen xxx
Hi ladies,
@Julest I agree with Helen, we are all still going over and over the events leading up to our mums’ passing. I do this periodically and think how could I have not realised she was so ill, dying etc. But now we have the benefit of hindsight. We didn’t then and couldn’t have known. It’s part of the grieving process, but it’s difficult. We just have to be kind and forgiving to ourselves… we are only human, we loved our mums and would have done anything to save them. They know that.
Sending love.xx
Hi Helen
Sorry you had a bad day yesterday. Some days are so hard and for you it’s very early days. You are doing so well and have made very good progress I think. How are your sisters coping? It seems to me you were very very close to your mum. It’s so bloody hard isn’t it?
I think I’ve lost my sparkle. I find it hard to find real joy these days. I’m very on edge, anxious, overthinking and bad tempered at times! Lovely! I try to be strong for Alex, but sometimes I just feel like hibernating under the duvet.
I feel like I’m just putting one foot in front of the other some days and getting nowhere. I haven’t done a lot of outward crying and a lot of my grieving is on the inside …in my mind.
I started back to work after a week and maybe I didn’t give myself the time to grieve properly at the beginning. It was such a shock. I was on auto pilot mode and maybe I still am.
I don’t know… all I know is it seems like a bad dream and at times I fear the future.
I work 8,30 til 2,30 Monday to Friday. I’ve been part time since having Alex. I do like my job, it doesn’t stress me out and actually helps I think because I’m no good at all when I’m at home alone.
It’s good to have a change of scenery as we are in the mountains this weekend. Hopefully the fresh air it will help. There’s hardly any snow here…so mild.
I really hope you had a better day today Helen, as you say the grief comes in waves and we just have to ride them out.
Deborah, hope you are okay. Just know we are thinking of you and are here if you want to chat/vent.
Lots of love ladies. Speak soon. Kxxx
Hi Kate, yes it’s the hardest thing. I try not to think about the future as it is scary to think mum won’t be there and my heart can’t deal with that right now. My sisters are similar to me, up and down. My younger sister is a bit more private with her emotions. My older sister is like me; manages to hold it together but then the tears come. My brother lives in Edinburgh with his wife and he is doing okay. He’s keeping busy.
A lot of my time is taken up seeing dad. I used to call round maybe 3 times a week for an hour or so when we still had mum. Now I’m so conscious of dad being all on his own I’m staying for 3 or 4 hours, maybe 5 times a week. It’s taking a lot of my time. I know I need to back off soon but it’s so hard. Like you, I’m overthinking everything. I just can’t help it.
Have a fabulous time in the mountains. It sounds wonderful. Whereabouts? Is it up near The Alps?
Anyway, enjoy! Speak soon. Much love Hxxx
Hi Helen, Kate and Julest,
I am ok thanks. The past 2 days have been terribly emotional. I managed to go to mums house after putting it off for approx 2 weeks. Walked in and it hit me big time. The coldness of the house and the empty feeling. I instantly put the heating and lights on and it all suddenly changed and i felt her there with me. I sat in her chair all night as I couldn’t bear to look at an empty chair and that helped me. I sat in her bedroom and just closed my eyes remembering how it used to be . i cried and cried and didn’t sleep all night. I got up to the bathroom in the middle of the night and peeped through the crack in the door just like i used to do and crept in and say You ok mum ? Hell it was emotional.
The following morning I went to collect her ashes and when i walked into the office there they were on the chair with her name on it. Of my God it was tough. I just wanted to get the hell out of there. Paid the undertaker and got myself out of there as fast as I could. There was something really lovely about bring mum home. I felt an easiness or a calmness. Can’t explain it.
That night I slept much better and was the first time since she has passed. I felt she was home where she belonged. Can’t even believe I am writing this. Seems so unreal.
Yesterday I even managed to empty all mums wardrobes in her bedroom and have brought everything back home with me to sort I thought it would be easier that way. It was only almost 5 weeks ago it was the funeral so still very difficult to do. She had the most beautiful clothes and same size as me so hopeful i will keep many items and wear them when i feel able to. I am so glad as it would hurts so much giving the clothes away.
Anyway i cleaned her house and sorted her garden out and all her house plants as they desperately needed water. I couldn’t bear the thought of her beloved plants dying also as she loved them.
I also visited the curate,vicar, ladies of the church who did the flowers and the organist with small gifts and thank you cards so looking back i managed to get through quite a lot. Also visited my mums family grave and took the large spray of flowers away that I had placed there. after the crem.
Helen - Hope you are feeling a bit better today. I question and analyse everything over and over all the time . think we always will.
Kate - Did you enjoy the mountains. You are so right about a change of scenery. Just going to look for curtains helped me focus on something else. Fab you went to Cardiff uni.
Jules - That’s exactly it. My sparkle has gone too. Never will i get it back again. Don’t worry we will remain in this group for ages and ages and be there for each other.
Sorry I haven’t posted but it was all so emotional and now that I am home I am having a catch up on here.
Am so looking forward to my son coming home tom . He is Lewis Capaldi’s cameraman and Lewis has cancelled all his shows due to being ill so I get to see my son earlier. Yippee. Going to pick him up from the airport tom as he was touring abroad with him.
Will write again later but just wanted you to know I am okish
Deborah x
Hi Deborah, so glad to hear from you. I was thinking about you and wondering if you were okay. You have done so much in a short space of time. Oh yes, picking up the ashes is so hard. It hits you like a ton of bricks. Seeing that small box with your mums remains is surreal. I also felt a comfort getting them back. I wish dad could deal with them being there as mum loved her house and I really wanted to take her home to hers. Hopefully in time he will be able to have them there. For now she’s with me. I’m looking after them. Still lighting my little candle for her every night. I miss her so much. I still struggle to accept she’s not here. It’s the hardest thing.
I love my mum so much and would give everything I have to have her back. I feel robbed. She was a healthy, 78 year old loving life. We just keep having to push through. I’m going through the motions of life. There’s no pleasure in anything. Everything is tainted now. It’s like the colour has gone from life.
Glad you got things sorted at your mums house. It’s another step forward. You should be proud of yourself. Your mum will be proud
Enjoy having your son home. Sounds like he has a very exciting job. Do you have any other children, grandchildren? It will be lovely seeing him and having another focus. Take care and lots of love, Hxxx