Oh my goodness Kate, those cards! Just beautiful. 
So glad to hear you managed to find some joy. How lovely to make your mums favourite meal. You are keeping her memory alive and honouring her wonderful life. I light a candle every night for my mum and tonight I’ve lit an extra one for your mum. 
Thankyou girls for asking about Stella. She has a vet appointment tomorrow at 4pm. We will see if there is anything to be done and if not we will have her put to sleep. I really don’t think there is much hope. She can hardly stand on her back legs. She just falls down after about 10 seconds. We have to carry her everywhere. It’s so hard because her tail still wags, her eyes are bright and she is alert, trying to play with her toys and still eating. We will take advice from the vet. I will keep you updated. I’m off work the rest of the week now. I’ve done so much crying the last few days my eyes are sore and puffy. It’s for Stella but also feeling the loss of mum so bad. I suppose we will feel our mum’s absence so much more when we go through life traumas. Mum was the wisest person I know and I miss her guidance so much.
The support on here is a massive help. This whole journey would be so much harder without you, my friends. Thankyou from the bottom of my broken heart. Lots of love Hxxx
Hi Deborah, I met up with a friend about 6 weeks after mum died. I did get weepy but it felt okay as she lost her mum about a year ago so she was very understanding. If you get upset that’s okay. Maybe she will too. I always want to talk about mum even though my chin wobbles and my eyes fill up. I’m not a pretty crier!! I like to tell people how brave she was having that lung cancer diagnosis so close to the end. I hope you talk about both your mums. It’s important to and to share your feelings. That’s what friends are for. Something so comforting about our shared grief. Lots of love Hxxx
Hi Helen,
I will be thinking of you tom with Stella and pray something can be done for her.
Yes we will cry together on Thurs when I see my friend. Will try to think of somewhere quiet to go.
I find being at home all the time is fine but the minute I talk to someone on the phone or see anyone then I just cry like a baby.
Will catch up with you tom evening
Deborah x
Thinking of you and little Stella today Helen. I really hope that something can be done.
Sending love and strength to you and a virtual cuddle to Stella. Kxxx
Hi Helen ,
Just want you to know I am thinking of you. Keep strong my lovely x
Deborah x
Hi girls, we took Stella to the vets but there was nothing they could do. There was no treatment for her condition. She was deteriorating rapidly and the vet said she was borderline about to start suffering so under his guidance we did the kindest thing for her (the most painful for us) and had her put to sleep. Our hearts are broken
She is with my mum and her dog now. I know she is as I have had some signs. There was the white feather under Stella the other day when I picked her up. Also I bought a pearl ring (in memory of my mum who’s name meant ‘pearl’) and the pearl fell out yesterday (I will get it fixed). Today, I went swimming first thing while Tom stayed with Stella. I was the last one out of the pool so I had a choice of about 30 changing cubicles. When I stepped into the cubicle, there on the floor was a white feather. How did that get there?! I believe these were all signs from mum saying ‘it’s okay love, Stella will be fine. I’ll look after her’ I just feel it in my heart even though I’ve always been really cynical about such things. I know Stella is okay and my mum would have been so happy to see her. Probably took her on a walk with her dog Teddy this afternoon.
Thankyou for all your love and support. 
Hello all,
I’m so sorry to hear your sad news Helen re Stella. Is more upset and grief at an already awful time. I’m keeping busy and just finished work. My caseload is sky high and I’m back holding CIN meetings tomorrow. Holding it together by day and not so good by night. I cried myself to sleep last night thinking of Mum. I thought I was moving forward but I keep getting trapped with thoughts of my younger Mum and what she did for us. I have such happy wonderful childhood memories that keep popping up all the time and reminding me of what is lost. I’m really starting to get upset again about not seeing her face anymore. I feel I’m regressing. I saw my friends and went out shortly after Mum passed. I’m now regressing and wanting to hide from people. At work I’m different and if you didn’t know - you wouldn’t know. Sorry for the rant I’m extra upset today. A client made a thoughtless comment around funerals and embalming- not knowing my own grief . Is hard. I’ll be back on this page when I’m feeling bit brighter as not feeling I’m being very supportive to people x Jules
Oh bless you Helen… my heart goes out to you, but you did the kindest thing. Little Stella is now with your lovely mum… I expect you told her to give your mum all your love and that she would be waiting for her with arms outstretched. I’m feeling tearful just writing this so I can only imagine how you are feeling. Those signs are so strong Helen… unbelievable.
It’s heartbreaking when they suffer so you really did the best thing, and you have the comfort of knowing that she has your mum and her dog waiting for her on the other side.
Sending love and strength your way… RIP Stella which is Italian for star ☆ which she was… and now is. xxxxx
Hi Helen think i was writing on here the same time you were. Such devastating news re Stella. I’m so sorry and you must be feeling even worse than ever. You speak of white feathers - they must be a sign from your Mum. She is sending you her love and will to be strong. I also found a few myself this morning- never noticed them before now tbh but one drifted on to my head when I was feeling sad. Thinking of you today x
Hi Deborah,
Thanks for your support as always. Yesterday was tough but I’m feeling even more tired and sad today. Yesterday I tried to focus on the positive as I felt the sky/heavens were telling me to do so as there was such an unbelievable almost blinding light. I felt it was a sign from mum saying all was ok and not to be sad.
I slept quite badly last night for some reason… maybe the tension of the build up to yesterday, so today I’m more tired. I am glad this milestone birthday has passed…I hope next year will be a little easier.
It’s a great idea to meet your friend tomorrow, you have both gone through the same devastating situation so it will do you both good.
Julest sorry you are feeling so low at the moment, it’s all normal… the waves carry on and we just have to ride them out. At least you have your job to keep you busy. I feel that keeping busy helps me… the sadness is always there, but I can distract myself at work.
It’s bloody tough ladies, but we will get there.
Love to all. Kxx
Hi Helen,
Am heartbroken for you. Was hoping all day things would have turned out different for Stella.
The white feather well what can I say except yes its a sign for sure.
I remember when I was waiting to find out if i had cancer. I went to a swimming pool with my mum and was helping her in the changing room. When i was helping her walk to the actual room where the pool was there was a white feather on the floor I couldn’t believe it and at the time thought brilliant i haven’t got cancer but sadly that was not the case. I felt angry for a while until I read that white feathers are a sign that angels are near and are helping you. I also read that it is very rare if not almost impossible to see white feathers inside a building. So there you go what a wonderful sign .It was definitly from your mum .
Rest tonight and try to sleep a little Will message you again tom
Deborah x
Julest,
That is a wonderful sign falling on your head Omg thats amazing
Deborah x
Hi Kate,
It’s the toughest thing I have ever gone through.
For some reason I didn’t sleep last night I woke at 3am and started crying so went downstairs as the darkness was making me worse I watched TV for 2 hrs then went back to bed and drifted off. I felt this urge to just speak to her and the realisation I will never see her again let alone speak to her was too much.
As for tom I am hoping my friend has forgotten as I haven’t heard from her I really don’t want to go.
Will catch up with you all again tom night
Deborah x
Hi Julest, Thankyou for your kind words. Please don’t stop messaging because you feel you aren’t supporting others. We support each other on here. So if you are feeling particularly down you must feel free to vent on here. It really doesn’t matter if some of your posts are just you letting off steam about how you feel. We all do that sometimes. You don’t always have to respond to other peoples messages. Just hearing other people’s deepest thoughts is a comfort as you don’t feel so alone grieving can be a very lonely place. Lots of love Hxxx
Hi Julest,
Have I missed something or what? You are thinking of stopping messaging on here!!! No way Julest We are not letting you leave. You are being supportive to me especially.
I know it must be hard with the job you do. I remember having to go to very difficult safeguarding meetings involving children and when I came home I just wanted to block the world and everyone in it out.
I have been hiding in my house since my mum passed so I know a little of how you feel. Its so much easier for me to do though as I don’t work. We are going through a very difficult time now. Our mums have passed, the funerals have been , the organisation of everything has decreased and we are left in limbo. But we are also left with the reality of it all. I am dreading the time when someone says something like what happened to you. Just dreading it .
Take a day or two Jules and crawl to the weekend but promise me you will be back by next Monday at the latest because I shall miss you with all my heart and I mean that. I am actually crying writing this . We are here for you no matter if you feel the downest you have ever felt.
I hope you read this and realise how loved you are.
Chin up lovely and keep going . Your mum would be so proud of you
Big massive hug just sent to you
Deborah x
Hi Deborah, jules is coming back but said she won’t message while she’s feeling so bad. I hope she reads our responses too. This is the time she needs the support more than ever! Maybe at some point we will set up our own group on wattsap or whatever. There’ll be no escape then! I’m sure we’ll hear from her soon. Still hoping we can all meet so we need to mention that to her. Lots of love Hxxx
Hi Kate, I find grief is exhausting. Feeling so sad all the time is just so physically draining. I’ve had a setback with losing Stella, but I was starting to feel like I’d moved forward so I’m very hopeful I will get back to that place. I think the trauma of losing Stella has just highlighted the absence of mum so much and I can’t rely on dad as he’s so emotionally fragile right now. Normally I’d have gone round to their house and they’d have both offered me words of wisdom and guidance. In that respect, I’ve lost my dad to some extent too.
Anyway, life is trundling on and we are progressing. Getting through these milestones and life events is hard. We probably don’t realise it but each one is probably making us that bit stronger and more resilient. We can’t see it at the time as it’s very distressing but I’m sure it is. I often wonder how I’ll feel in a year? I hope it will all be easier and I can enjoy life again. I’m hopeful for us all. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. We still have a bit more life to live before we meet our mums again. Live it we must. Lots of love to you as always Hxxx
Hi Helen 51,
How are you doing today?
I got up again in the middle of the night last night and just cried so much. It seems to hit me lately at night when its dark. I had to go downstairs and keep the light on just to get me through the moment. It’s so tough.
I hope Jules comes back on here. I have been messaging her for what seems ages and agree this is when she needs us most. We have to give her the space she needs though and I know her job must be so stressful so on top of the grief it must be unbearable at times.
Yes that would be great if we could ask Jules to meet up with us when Kate is over.
Like you I wonder what life will be like in a year. Nothing has changed for me in 3 mths so I pray I can just feel a tiny bit better that’s all. I feel I still have a mountain to climb.
Yesterday something really upset me . the donations instead of flowers at mum funeral were to be split between 2 charities and I explained to the undertaker that i would take the donations to their local meetings to hand over personally. Well last night I had an email from the charities thanking me for my donations I don’t even know how much was raised . I just thought a quick email text or phone to me would have been more personal as a curtesy call to say they would be closing the donations and sending x amount to them. I don’t know why but it really got to me and I just couldn’t stop crying. Again its all the small things that get to me.
I am going back to mums on Friday to take some disability items back to the NHS and an old chair to the charity shop and bring a few more things back with me to sort. Got to keep going with all that
Thinking of you
Deborah x
Hi Ladies,
I agree with you… this is a place where we can be ourselves, where we can vent, be sad, cry, go over the lead up to our mums’ passing, try and make sense of it all and give each other support and encouragement. We don’t have to pretend all is fine. Death and grief are exhausting , complicated and messy apart from the heartbreak … it certainly isn’t like it is in the fims.
I will always be grateful for this forum and how I wished I’d found it immediately instead of nearly 3 months down the line. Up until then I was in a very dark place.
It’s been a beacon of light in my darkest hour.
I will certainly be donating a lot of mum’s things to the Sue Ryder charity when I get back home.
I’m sure that setting up a whatsapp group is a good idea.
It’s like we started out as penpals in the worst time of our lives and I’m sure we will go on to form a true friendship, like our mums’ last gift to us all . I’m looking forward to us meeting up in the summer. We will ask Julest too of course.
Hope your coffee date went well Deborah and Helen that you got through your first day without your precious Stella.
I’ve been keeping busy, and felt a bit stronger than these past days. We have to try and look for some happy moments every day, it’s so important.
Sending lots of love to you all.
K xxx
Hiya girls,
Kate I agree with everything you have said. I hope we can meet somewhere when you are over here I can’t remember where Jules lives but I hope she will join us also.
I didn’t make it to go out for lunch or coffee. My friend never mentioned it again so I didn’t push it as to be honest I am not sleeping well and for the past 2 nights I have woken up crying so have gone downstairs and just sat and cried. It has left me shattered in the day. I am also suffering with a high reading on my thyroid Had it for the past 2 years and have been monitored for ages. Am trying not to go on tablets. When mum was ill in hosp i went for a blood test and it had actually come down then another blood test in Jan showed it had gone right up again. Not surprising as I was caring for mum who was so ill at that time. Anyway I always feel tired because of it and lethargic. It’s an added thing to cope with with the grief. Today I have felt so so drained. No energy at all.
Helen how are you doing today ? I have been thinking about you and think you are being so brave. Did you say you have taken some time off work?
Jules I know you are off here but I still want to include you . Just rest when you can and try to switch off from the job when you come home . I am a fine one saying that because I never switched off.
Big hugs to you all and will check on you again tom or Sat.
Deborah x