Hi Deborah yes I did thank you . I hope you are doing ok. Last weekend was a real low point. I stayed in all weekend which is so unlike me. I couldn’t deal with my Birthday on St Patrick’s Day and Mothers Day on the Sunday. I didn’t really do anything - although my daughter persuaded me to watch Wednesday with her. Didn’t help the family were travelling to Wednesday’s new school with Roy Orbison’s In Dreams playing ( one of Mum’s funeral songs). There really is no hiding from this loss. I’ve been so busy at work this week I feel guilty I haven’t thought about Mum so much ( although still waking up with empty feeling). But , when I slow down, it hits me. Luckily Dad is still in the family home so I haven’t had to deal with probate etc. You have had a lot to organise and sort on top of your grief. X
Hiya Julest,
So lovely to hear from you.
You have gone through the same as me with your birthday and mothers day in march . At least we had the two all done and dusted in the same month There will be other firsts though so we can’t escape.
I kept thinking other people don’t deserve to see me so miserable and my mum would never have wanted me to be miserable but it was how it was and I couldn’t lift my spirits at all.
I tried my best to get through it but it felt like torture at times.
I have been reading about grief and the different stages but no matter how much I read I still feel the same . i cant believe its been 3 mths almost since mum passed and I am no different in my grief I have cried every single day.
It is so lovely you still have your dad. It a tiny bit of normality at your family home but I appreciate it that it is not the same .
I haven’t seen Wednesday. Don’t know much about it Will have to watch it.
In fact I haven’t been to a cinema for ages or the theatre. Think the last time I was with mum and we saw The Greatest Showman . We loved it. I had planned to take her to her local cinema but the car park was too far for her to walk in the cold weather so I was waiting for better weather. It certainly has taught me never to put off doing things. I keep beating myself up for not doing this that or the other with other even though we did so much and crammed in so many things. I just wish I had done more.
When I feel stronger I am going to do far more things and that will be mums legacy to myself.
Keep going and remember to tell yourself you are going to get through this so kep postinga s I am here for you
Deborah x
Helen51, I’m glad you went swimming because no matter how bad you feel I think it is important to maintain contact with the outside world. It’s only natural to grieve but I think it can become counter-productive to become too isolated for too long as it could affect your mental health. I know that is easy to say but it’s only too tempting to not bother with your normal activities, which I’m sure your mom wouldn’t want you to do. If your mom could speak to you now I’m certain she would tell you to look after yourself and would not want you to suffer unnecessarily. She’ll always be in your heart anyway, no matter what you do and where you go and that is the only important thing. Your mom knows this…
Thanks Deborah. You are right, I’m positive our lovely mums would not be happy we didn’t celebrate our birthday but I’m sure they will understand. I remember when my maternal grandmother passed at age 90 and my Mother was devastated. It took a long time for her to adjust. They were also very close. My Mum was an only child. I had just moved to Oxford to embark on a new career after Swansea and a promising new romance so I was not home with my Mum while she was grieving. I missed my grandmother terribly but adjusted to life without her pretty quickly I suppose. It changed my Mum irrevocably but in time, she adjusted. When myself and my sister went on to have children she was overjoyed and was the happiest I had seen her for years. She so loved her grandchildren and would often cry when she said their names in the care home years later. Happy tears… We will come through this I’m certain of it but the loss will always be there. There is no quick fix . I wish I could see her once more to cuddle her and thank her for being my Mum, but I know I would have to endure the loss again and would be painful x
My mom suddenly passed away in 2020. I remember my trembling body on the way to the hospital, believed that she will wake up by morning, was told by doctor there weren’t much they can do anymore and etc so vividly. I don’t like to talk, think or describe the horrendous night because it haunts me to be reminded of the worse nightmare of my life. I used to cry suddenly every time i see mom and daughter together anywhere in public - thinking i don’t have the privilege for that kind of bond/love anymore. What keeps me going is to think what she would have or will tell me whenever i am down. I try to to live the life she’d want me to but it is certainty difficult sometimes. Its easier when you bury all the memories deep down in a pandora box where you want to hide it for one good/ better day, or just to go on with life. But sometimes the pandora box opens without your intention of doing so, and the pain rush back like a tsunami. There is emptiness/ a hole to my dear ones who is experiencing what I went through. I am still fighting life whenever it comes to haunt me. But I think of what she would say to me as if she is beside me now, it helps. Sending love to all of you out there. I know only we can understand what we are feeling.
Hi Kate, Deborah and Julest. Kate, that’s just how I feel. Like a lost little girl crying for her mum. Even at 52 years old, the world feels like a scary place without my mum. All this with Stella (my dog) is just highlighting her absence and I’m feeling it more than ever. I’m getting fed up of feeling so miserable. Life has been an absolute sh**show since early December when Harriet was in intensive care with pneumonia that they were struggling to manage. I dashed over to the states to be with her and help with the girls. Then mum and dads dog died who we all loved dearly, then my mum died out of the blue and now Stella is on her way out. Seriously life, do you want to throw anything else at me?!!! I keep picking myself up but getting kicked back down. I know once Stella has gone the decision will be over and I can start grieving for her too so can start healing (again) but it’s all a bit much right now.
Deborah, your husband is right, you have done so much. You should be proud of yourself when you look back and see how far you have come on this journey.
Julest, I too still have my dad. It’s a worry though as he isn’t the same. I feel like I’m grieving dad how he was before mum died. It’s another layer in all of this. I’m so very grateful though to still have him. I can’t imagine what it must be like to lose both parents. My heart goes out to Kate and Deborah 
Sorry girls that this post is so miserable. I will keep you updated on Stella. Lots of love to you and hope we can all find some peace in the coming week. Bye for now Hxxx
Hi, So sorry for your loss. it’s 10 weeks today I lost my darling mum. It’s still very new for me. I am expecting it to be painful for the rest of my life but hoping the pain will feel more normal in time. The grief is not as debilitating as the first 6 weeks or so but it’s still there all the time. Thankyou for sharing your experience. I hope you find it more manageable now you are a couple of years down the journey. Take care and love to you Hxxx
Hi, yes the swimming has helped. It makes me get up in the morning. I went back to swimming the second week after mum died. It was hard to do but I made myself. I have also gone back to work. It feels like a chore and I have to drag myself to work but it makes me do normal things. We have to keep going. We keep pushing through. Much love H xxx
Hi Helen , Kate and Julest,
How are you all doing today?
I know this sounds daft but I actually went out into my garden for the past 2 days doing some weeding and cutting back shrubs. It was a huge thing for me to do as I haven’t even walked around the garden since mum passed on Dec 30th. I had also been staying with her for 3 mths prior to that so hadn’t been home for months so part of me had no interest in the garden and it also reminded me of when I used to go and plant bulbs there with my mum last year so avoided it. Anyway plucked up the courage and just did half an hour day before yest and an hour yesterday. I cried seeing the daffodils we had planted tog last year and I remembered her saying Deb you will have a garden full of daffs next year. We laughed because I had gone a bit mad with buying too many sacks of daffs. Being Welsh she loved daffodils so each year I shall buy a sack and keep planting them.
I actually felt better after going outside as I have only been to mums house in the car and once inside have stayed inside so I haven’t had any contact with the outside world since my awful Tesco trip when i almost collapsed.
Helen you have had a terrible time and now with your darling Stella life is throwing everything at you. There are no words except why? Don’t worry about being miserable on here because I have lost count how many times I have repeated the same miserable things.
I haven’t been to mums house for a week but will go up there again at the end of this week and bring more things home to sort… I find it easier that way as it distresses me too mush doing it at her house.
Bit by bit and slowly is the best way for me.
People keep asking me when I am going to sell mums house. Not sure why they think it has to be done straight away. I am really going to take my time with selling it as am nowhere ready to face that yet. How emotional will that be seeing an estate agent taking photos etc and showing people around ? Can’t even think about it.
Kate I know what you mean about your mum and her grandchildren. My mum was the same She had 10 grandchildren and 11 great grandchildren. She hardly saw any of them except my son Glyn who she lived for. Ever since he was born he changed her life and they were sole mates. He lived with her for 3 yrs when he had a job nearer her house than ours and she spoilt him rotten. The plan was he would stay with her and keep an eye on her after her cancer op 4yrs ago but it was the other way round. It hit him hard when there was nothing the hosp could do for her hence him quitting his job in Dubai and coming home. He has been lucky to have had other work since coming home and thankfully it all worked out ok.
I too wish I could see her once again but I wouldn’t wish this feeling of grief on my worst enemy. How people manage to get through grief on a bigger scale like Ukraine I will never know. This to me is the biggest I feel I could ever ever cope with.
Kate it is so wonderful your mum was with you until the end. Imagine if she had been at her home and you hadn’t been able to get there in time. Well you can’t imagine it really can you ? It would have been terrible.
Just want to say thank you to the 3 of you for being there so much for me. You seem to know me so well after such a short time on here and pick up on when i am feeling down. Where would we be without posting on here and getting through each day with support from each other. Our mums would be so proud of us
Deborah x
Hi Ladies,
Hope you are doing ok. I’ve been feeling quite down, but I knew I would be like this with mum’s birthday tomorrow. March is a tough month but mum’s favourite. Oh the daffodils remind me of home so much, a lovely sight in Spring. Deborah well done for getting outside in the fresh air. You are doing so well.
Yes mum waited a long time to be a granny. She only had one grandson but she always said he was perfect and her pride and joy. He seems to be growing up so fast now.
Deborah yes I really am so grateful mum was with us. I can’t imagine my grief if she’d been alone in her house…
I felt so content when she came to join us a year ago and in my heart I knew she couldn’t be alone any more. I’m not particularly religious, but I do believe those last 6 months with us were a gift from above.
Helen, you’ve really had a terrible few months and now the situation with Stella… my heart goes out to you.
I think we have to trust our inner instincts and what advice our dear mums would give us.
When I feel down and lost I often think what advice would mum give me now? It helps.
This group is such a help, we are all in the same boat trying to keep afloat and we understand exactly what we are going though. I only wish I’d found it in those first few awful months when I was in a very dark place and felt so alone.
Sending love to you my friends.
K xxx
Aww Kate birthdays are so difficult to get through. My mum would have been 90 in May and I had thought of doing an afternoon tea and inviting her neighbours down for the day but I just can’t. It is far too soon for me.
It is so tough when you want to celebrate just with them.
Will be thinking of you tom
Deborah x
Hello Deborah, Kate and Helen, I’m doing ok today - I think. Rushed off my feet at work and no time to think of things really. Social work is none stop… I still have that empty feeling every time I wake up. Also there at night. I feel like I’m on a treadmill most days. My Dad is poorly and myself and sister trying to juggle hospital appointments, his shopping, his cooking and emotional well being. Working almost full time, one 11 year old and a husband I sometimes feel if my marriage is still intact this time next year it will be a miracle.!! I had nearly two months off and wish it could have been longer. I’m starting to think of some of the happier times with Mum now and my obsession with the day she passed, what I did, what I didn’t do, is facing a little. Deborah it seems like you are keeping busy and I’m sure the fresh air is helping a little. Seems like you have a wonderful son . I was very close to my grandmother also and the loss is very real.
Sorry to hear about everything Helen - it truly sounds like a testing and awful time for you. I can’t imagine dealing with more than I am now- is enough. Kate - sounds like your Mum was cherished and I’m sure the last six months with her family close by was just wonderful…. x
Hello my dear friends, Well, all this with my dog Stella has certainly set my grief back. She has an appointment on Wednesday and unless there is a miracle between now and then, we are going to have her put to sleep. She has no quality of life anymore. I really started to feel more positive and started to believe I could be happy again at some point in the future. I’m still hopeful of this but am so weepy again. This is my first life trauma without mum and her absence is huge. Mum was so pragmatic about these things. Mum could get emotional about some things but she was so sensible and wise. I’m missing her terribly again. Like feeling that awful pain in those first few weeks. It can’t be as bad though as I am eating normally and slept most of last night. I had that awful feeling we all get in the pit of our stomachs when I woke up. But it was more intense than of late.
Deborah, I’m so happy to hear you’ve been enjoying the garden. We got married in April and our photos have all the daffodils in them. Daffodils are my favourite flower of all. Their bright yellow blooms joyfully declare that winter is over. Now they will always remind you of your precious mum.
Kate, my heart will be with you tomorrow as you go through the first birthday of your beautiful mum. I don’t know why but I’ve always found mums birthday more upsetting than her death date. Whenever I’ve had to fill in forms or tell people the dates, it’s her birth date that has made me cry more. You are allowed to be sad tomorrow and if you need to cry, so be it. My mums birthday is in September so I have s bit more time to prepare if that’s even possible 
Thankyou for allowing me to say how I feel. Thankyou to all of you for this. I feel sometimes like it’s time to start being cheerful but then it would be fake and I guess this forum is for us to be honest. Even if that’s us being miserable.
Kate I agree, this group is a massive help. It makes me sad to think of you in those early weeks all alone. At least I have my sisters and brother to share the pain with. I needed someone neutral though. It’s hard offloading to people close to you as you want to save them the upset so I think you hold back maybe.
Oh Deborah, I was thinking of you today and looking for signs. I came home from work and carried Stella out to the garden. I lay her on the grass and left her for a few minutes. I was watching her from the doorway, crying to see her like that but still doubting our decision to have her put to sleep. When I went to pick her up she was lay on a little white feather that I didn’t see when I put her down. Now the cynic in me would think ‘yeah, it’s just a feather that blew under her’ but do you know what? I’m going to be more open and see it as a sign from mum telling me she is waiting for Stella. What a comfort that is.
We are doing well and so lucky to have found each other. The connection i have with you girls is very important to me. Lots of love and bye for now. Hxxx
So sorry to hear your dad is poorly Jules. You have so much to deal with and a very draing job too. You will look back on this time in a couple of years and think. ‘How the hell did I get through that?’ Keep going, you are doing amazing. Life will be joyful again, I promise. There have been times when I wouldn’t have blamed my husband if he walked out. I’ve been really horrible at times. When I was so angry initially I was just being the worst of myself. Blaming him for everything, dragging things up from years ago. I was using him as my emotional punchbag. He was just so patient with me and just let me vent. He’s become quite good at steering the conversation away from my new favourite topics of grief, death, my mum, cancer, how crap life is etc. you get the picture. I’m a right little ray of sunshine!! 
If our lives were a novel, this would be the worst chapter. We’ll get there love. We just keep picking ourselves up and pushing through. Lots of love Hxxx
Hi Helen , Kate and Julest,
Just read all your posts. Julest snap I will be lucky to have a marriage next year as that’s all I have done is cry. My husband has certainly learnt to cook a bit more as I have hardly done anything.
Yes being out in the fresh air did help me but the novelty soon wore off as I am back in square one again now. Tonight I have just sat and moped again thinking back to the night I phoned 999. Just wish I had waited just one more day. That horrible choking feeling in my throat is back whenever I think about it.
Helen that is certainly a sign. I believe in white feathers appearing and so did my mum . Every time she found one she would put it in some artificial flowers she kept in her dining room . The other day when I was at her house I moved a few things on the table and there they all were in her artificial tulips. I just stood there and cried. I woke up very early one morning last week and went downstairs to make a cuppa. It was just getting light and I felt very low so looked outside the back door and front door area just in case there were any signs of feathers but nothing . I went back to finish making my cup of tea and as I was putting the tea bag in the small food bin by the back door I looked up at the hedge which is approx 12ft high and thought I saw a white feather. I thought no way as it was still fairly dark. Anyway out I went in my dressing gown and lo and behold there was a white feather halfway up the hedge. It looked just like a little speck from my kitchen. What are the odds of that ? Anyway it is still there like mum is looking over me . We have had so much rain and wind the past few days but it is still there and hasn’t moved at all. I shall try to take a photo tom to show you.
I know what you mean about crying when asked about death dates etc.A few days ago I had an invoice for mums piperline the thing she had around her neck to press if she fell etc. I had already informed them mum had passed so they knew and had been to her house to remove the box connected to the phone etc When I phoned them to let them know they tried to make out they didn’t know. It was so upsetting that I burst into tears on the phone and the woman kept asking are you ok . She just kept repeating she had not been informed I explained it said the late then my mums name so they did know but it was like talking to the wall. It’s just the little things that have such an upsetting impact.
I will be back in touch tom to see if you Kate are ok and also about Stella Helen. Julest don’t work too hard !!!
Deborah x
Thinking of you today Kate and your lovely mum 
Kate 111,
Hope you are okisk. You can do this Kate. It’s a cry and remember day but we are here for you. xxxxxxxxx
Deborah x
Hi Helen and Deborah
Thank you for your support…it means so much.
I got through today…almost.
The sun was so so bright from around 8am until sundown…the sky was a beautiful shade of blue. I felt it was mum saying “come on Kate, I’m happy…at peace you must be too.”
I had a few moments, but I tried to focus on the happy celebrations of birthdays past. It was all balloons, birthdsy cake and celebrations… she loved it.
I got weepy looking at mum on video last year blowing out her candles and us all laughing and singing along.
In time I hope I will be able to really celebrate her life each year… today I felt very wobbly.
We toasted mum and wished her Happy birthday and I prepared one of her favourite meals. I’ve lit a candle and put it next to her photo with some roses and Alex has made her a card at school.
It’s tough my friends, but you will get through it too.
We have to for them.
Helen, how is Stella and you of course? Deborah how are you today?
Much love, Kate xxxx
Hiya Kate,
I have been thinking about you all day long. I kept saying to myself it’s nearly over for Kate.
As for me I have been just ticking along doing a few jobs around the house. Kept busy all day .
My son has gone to work and will be back on Fri so the house is even more quiet than usual.
I am actually going to meet a friend for a coffee on Thurs It will be my first time out like that so don’t know how I feel about it. She lost her mum a week after mine and has also been grief stricken . Her lovely mum who was 94 died from a bowel problem like my mum. One minute I was messaging her to say about my mum then she was telling me about hers. Her mum was in the same room as me when I had my cancer and wow what a fab lady she was. She was as bright as a button as they say and could converse with everyone in the room There were 6 of us in the room and she was amazing . She was the first up and her knowledge about everything was an inspiration She knew so much about clothes make up authors the lot. I couldn’t go to the funeral as it was just after mums so I felt awful about that. It is the thought of going on Thurs but I am sure it will be ok.
I am so glad you have got through today Kate. Am so proud of you.
I hope you are having a well deserved glass of wine .
Helen how are things with Stella. Been wondering all day how she is
Julest whats news with you. is work going ok .
Keep going my lovely friends. We are all in this together and here for each other.
Deborah x