Dealing with the sudden loss of my Mum

Hi Deborah,

it sounds as though operating wouldn’t have been possible for your mum at her age and luckily, by having her home she was with you and you could tell her all you needed to and take special care of her in her last weeks.
Unfortunately, I had no knowing that mum was going to leave me so soon and there is so much I would have wanted to tell her. That hurts so much.
I am taking comfort by the fact that as the end was so quick, she was hopefully not in pain, also by the fact that she was basically living with us for the last 2 years, since lockdown, seeing her beloved grandson every day and feeling safe with us. She was also independent right up to the end which was so important for her, being able to wash and dress herself. Theres a lot to be grateful for even though she’s left me.
I too have googled (probably too obsessively) mum’s symptoms of those last days. I feel it helps me to know “technically” what happened and I realise now that her symptoms were probably her kidneys failing which brought on the cardiac arrest. Only now, in hindsight, can I put 2 + 2 together. At the time it didn’t seem that serious as she’d had bouts of those symptoms before. She was adamant that she didn’t want to go to hospital, or even see a Dr. As difficult as this was for me to accept, I think we need to acknowledge that at the end of their lives, our loved ones have the right to decide themselves how they want it to end. On the morning mum died she had laid out her clothes on the bed as we were planning to go out to lunch together as a family. Sadly not to be, but at least she was looking forward to a pleasant day out.

As daughters, of course we want our mums to be with us always and forever, but we have to logically look back and be happy that they lived such long lives. It’s a privilege denied to many. Mum was in her 86th year and in spite of her health problems, was still hopping on planes to come and visit us for long stays and was in the process of obtaining a residence permit. We aren’t doctors, nor miracle workers and we can’t see into the future, so we have to believe that we really did the best we could, based on the information that we had at the time.
Somebody on this site said that we have to look back on our loved ones lives’ and see the whole picture, not just the end with the ill health and grief, and realise that their lives are not defined by the final part of their journey. I think that is so true and gives me comfort, hope it does to you too.

Take care.x

Hello, i lost my mum 6 months ago and ever since then i just feel like i am going through the montions of life… she was my bestfriend and my rock. My mum also died very suddenly infront of me, she had a heart attack completely out of the blue, i did CPR on her and brought her back but it wasnt enough to keep her here, i know she fought till the very end, she was only 59. I just hope my poor mum didnt suffer in her final moments and she knew how much she was loved by me, my dad and her grandaughter who is now 18 months old.
I am truly sorry for your loss and sending love and strength your way xxx

Hi Emma Louise,
My mam was also my best friend and my rock. We did everything together. I am heartbroken and i know how you feel. You did everything you could bless you and your mum would have been so proud of you. She was so young too. I am sure as so many people tell me that I will just go through the motions as thats what I am doing right now. Just about surviving to be honest. I am so worried about her funeral bec I dont know how i will cope.
Your little daughter will be your strength in all this. She will be your reason to keep going and thats what your mum would have wanted.
Keep posting on here bec we all understand
Deborah x

Hi Deborah thanks for your repsone, i am sorry for your loss loosing your mum is just like loosing your right arm, they are with you from the very beginning. I too was dreading the funeral as the days got closer it loomed over me. Just remember the funeral is to celebrate the beautiful and wonderful life of your mum and to make sure everyone knows how much she was loved. It will be difficult but just remember your mum will be stood next to you the entire time watching over you, giving you the strength you need and you will make her proud! Sending love and stength your way xxx

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Hi Emma Louise. So sorry to hear you lost your mum suddenly too and at such a tragically young age. It must have been so very difficult, especially with the cpr. Very few come through, even in a hospital setting, so know that you did your very best in a near impossible situation. Take comfort from the fact that your mum wouldn’t have suffered and I’m sure she’s looking down on you and her granddaughter and protecting you both. Grief is such a difficult journey, sending love and strength.x

Hi Kate, thanks for your reply, yes been a very difficult time, i am just spending all my free time with my daughter. I got a new job at the end of last year, i did work in the NHS for 9 years but i decided to work in a school so i can get all the half terms off with my daughter because time is so precious and its the best decision i have ever made. Just dreading all the major holidays coming up, the first christmas was tough, but it would of been my mums 60th this year which we were planning on doing something for, then mothers day, my my dads birthday, my daughters second birthday, my birthday then the obvious one Christmas again, i just worry its never going to feel the same again but like you said i am staying strong for my daughter. Xxx

Oh I know exactly how you feel. Mother’s day is going to be tough for us all and mum’s birthday is in March too. All the firsts are so difficult. I’m glad you are happy in your new job and able to spend time with your daughter. Getting the work life balance is so important, especially with little ones to care for.
I lost my dad suddenly when I was 9, he was only 54 at the time and my mum always said to me that I was the one who gave her the strength to carry on. I’m sure it’s the same for you now with your daughter.
Our mums will be looking down on us and their grandchildren (I have a 10 yr old who lost his beloved granny) and they want us to be brave and happy, as difficult as that is for us now.xx

I am so sorry to hear you have gone through thay especially with your dad thats a toigh age to loose a parent especially so young. Yes its the children that get us through this just seeing them smile, laugh and play is the purest thing. Yes the firsts are always the most diffcult so i have decided to try and honor my mums memory on those days and do something she loved with my daughter to try and keep her memory and love alive. Xx

That’s lovely Emma Louise. We are going to do something too for mum’s birthday. Maybe cook one of her favourite meals and raise a glass. It’s going to be so tough because we always made such a fuss of her on her birthday, I always made her a cake, put the balloons up and thoroughly spoilt her. We have to remember and honour our mums, even though it will be bittersweet. Hope this forum will help you. It’s good to chat and put our thoughts into words isn’t it?xx

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That sounds like a lovely idea! It does feel good to put throughts into words, been hard to actually write down everything that happened but i do feel like i weight has been lifted iff my chest now. I have been debabting for a couple of months whether to come into the forum but i think now i was finally ready to share my story and listen to other peoples stories and their experiences. Its a comforting feeling knowing i am not alone (even tho it is terrible circumstances) and other people have experienced loss and grief. Grief can make you feel so alone and think no one understand what you are going through, i really think this forum will help a lot of people xxx

Don’t feel alone ever. Other people really understand and I want you to know i do . I used to be a Headteacher so I know how wonderful little children are in the workplace helping you to get through each day. You have no choice but to snap out of things just for a short while bec you just have to when they are around. You are in a wonderful wonderful job and the children all need you. As for the first I am going to try to do something for each one but don’t know what yet. My mum liked doing simple things like sitting amongst nature having a picnic in the car or going on a short walk. She was 89 but had a wonderful zest for life and was planning to do so many more things with me . I know if I go back to places i visited with mum that it will really upset me so at the moment I am thinking of going somewhere different and doing something different to remember her. Yes Mothers Day will be awful. Think that will be the worst for me as its so soon. Have no idea what I am going to do. Am even thinking of going abroad so I am not even in this country. Maybe that will be the answer. It would certainly get me away from all the hype about Mothers day. Keep in touch and keep posting Am thinking of you Deborah X

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Hi Debroah, thanks for your reply.

Yes working in a school has been wonderful its hard to be sad around such bright, happy children and then i have my own 18 month old daughter who is just the light of my life! Yes i agree with you going to places my mum loved it really hard but its almost impossible to avoid them now as i went everywhere with my mum. I think the thing i miss most it just calling her and talking about our day and then saying love you at the end of every phone call, just the little things. I think for mothers day i am going to go the beach (if the weather is ok) with my little one and my dad as that was my mums favourite place to go, i have also decided for her 60th birthday this year i will light a candle latern. Loosing a mother at any age is a terrible thing to go through but you always think it wont happen to you? You always think you have got more time? I am just making the most of the here and now and not taking anything for granted because it can all change at the drop of a hat. Going abroad sounds like a lovely idea, anywhere in particular? Xxx

Emma Louise
There is never enough time to keep them If my mam had passed in 5 yrs time I would still have begged for more time. Like you I went everywhere with her phoned her daily and as her mobility had gone in the past year she only went out when i took her so i was her lifeline In fact in teh hosp they said i was like mams comfort blanket bec she was far more settled when i was there I like that very much
What a wonderful thing to do going to the beach. My mam loved the beach and even though she was 89 she was walking with me on Porthmadog beach last sept when we went on a road trip around North Wales for 10days . Wonderful memories i shall treasure for ever.
Thank you for replying to me It has really helped me
Deborah x

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Hi Deborah
Please try not to put too much pressure on yourself regarding the funeral. You don’t have to cope. If you break down it’s to be expected. I had a terrible day yesterday and I was on my own at home for quite a bit. I saw a picture of mum and just completely broke down. I really lost it. Oh the agony! I was wailing and begging her to come to me in some way. I was like that for over an hour and then it stopped and I was calmer for a while until it started again. I’ve been better today but still in pain. You don’t have to keep it together at her funeral. Just let your emotions flow. My mum wanted a direct cremation so has spared us a funeral. We plan to do something very beautiful in my garden in summer with close family and friends. It’s too soon to plan it but I’m already thinking of some ideas. I do a bit of sewing so am hoping to make all the children a teddy bear with her clothes and a little message. Just get through the funeral and Maybe you could plan something when you are ready to celebrate the life of your wonderful mum and the joy she brought to you. Take care lovely xx

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I am so very sorry to hear this shocking and sudden loss of your mum. It’s 2 weeks today I lost my mum just 8 days after a lung cancer diagnosis. I am still in shock so cannot even imagine the trauma of how very sudden it was for you. Your little girl will help you as you have to get up and carry on as best you can for her. My dad had a cardiac arrest at 59 but as he was at a large football stadium the paramedics were there in less than a minute to defibrillate. It still took 3 attempts. My dad survived only by absolute luck. He says he had no recollection of his collapse/heart attack. No knowledge of it at all. I am only telling you this as I hope that gives you some comfort that your mum wouldn’t have known anything. She wouldn’t have suffered at all. Thinking of you and all of us who have lost our precious mums xxx

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Yes you are right there is never enough time, i am just grateful for the time i did get to spend with my mum. It sounds like you had a lovely close relationship with your mum and fhat is something to be truly cherished! I love Wales it is a beautiful place to go. I used to alqays go to Disneyland paris woth my mum thats my favourite place to go. It has been really nuce talking to uou, helped me through a few things so thank you xx

Thank you Helen 51 so much. I know what you mean. The closer it gets the more my panic is setting in. We have been waiting for my son to come back home after working away so thats why the funeral has taken so long I just couldnt go through it without him as he is even closer to her than I am . It would be 5 weeks by the time the funeral will be and some people have been well not very kind in what they have said about the date. I know I will come up against some people saying its a long time and i know i will be even more upset. I know certain people will pick faults in whatever i have planned and say sarcastic things to me however much i try to avoid them No one can fault me as i have done everything perfect but some will have a go.
Deborah x

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Hi thanks for your reply! Yes it was an extreme shock and so sudden i only popped round to drop a few bits off as i was moving into my new home that day. There was no warning signs one minutes she is taking to me next minute she was collapsed in the hall way, i did everything i could with the CPR i manged to bring her back for enough time for the paramedics to arrive but unfortunately her pulmonary artery had ruptured and burst and even with surgical intervention the mortality rate is extremely high. My mum would of needed surgery there at then but by time they got her to hospital (the paramedics were amazing and the hospital i can not fault them they did everything they could) it was to late, she had been starved of oxygen for 20 minutes and they said even if they did bring her back they are not sure what her brain function would be so we made the difficult decision even the advice from the crash team to end the resuscitation. I am so sorry you lost for mum 2 weeks ago that must of been so difficult for you. How are you coping? How is your dad? Xxx

You do what feels right for you Deborah, there is no time scale of when the funeral needs to be, my mums funeral was 6 weeks after she passed away as we had to wsit for the coroner to rule a cause of death. Dont listen to what people are saying you doing what is right for you and your son! Let your emotions flow at the funeral dont hold anything back, i am glad your son will be with you that will be such an important support xxx

Hi Emma Louise, yes grief is so lonely. That’s what’s shocked me. It’s like a loss within the loss. I think people don’t want to bring up our losses for fear of upsetting us, yet that’s what we all need : to talk about our losses and that’s why this forum is so helpful. All of us in this terrible situation can reach out to each other when even our relatives and friends can’t seem to. I reacted to my dad’s death differently as I was only a child, but my mum’s death has hit me hard. Whatever their age, we are never ready to lose our dear mums. I can’t process the suddeness of it… she was here and then suddenly gone.
She wasn’t too good in the days before, but of course I didn’t think she was dying. I’m now questioning if she felt that the end was near and I wish I could have been there from an emotional point if view and talked openly. I think it’s human nature to keep going over the “if onlys…” almost like a coping mechanism.xx