Hi Leila,
Lots of memories will be traumatic and some will never leave us. Whenever I think of a memory that is not a nice one I try very quickly to think of a very good memory. If I don’t do this then I will cry and cry until I can’t cry anymore. If I think of something in the night I get up, put the light on and go downstairs for a cuppa. It distracts me for a while until I can pull myself together again.
What you have described must have been so distressing for you and maybe it could have been planned a bit better. It is too late now so try to think of ways to distract you when you remember the scene. Nothing is going to bring our lovely mums back so we now have to find ways to cope with the trauma of it all. It is early days yet and we are all literally going through hell with grief.
I put a photo on a cupboard in my lounge with flowers and a candle beside it along with a few of my mums welsh ornaments as she was so proud of her welsh roots. I can feel mum with us when we watch TV , eat food etc and it comforts me . I have also been wearing mums jumpers and they feel so snug and comfortable. I feel as though she has her arms around me.
I agree we have to live our lives to the full but at the moment I can only take small steps in moving forward and am going to take each day as it comes. I don’t plan anything anymore as I just can’t see further than each day.
The past 4 months have been very difficult for me and I still can’t see a life without my mum but I have to carry on. I have to sell my mums house at some point but right now it’s too painful to even think about it. I aim to finish sorting all her clothes by next week and then before the end of Aug to bring some furniture back home here . My mums house is 40 miles away so I am doing everything in stages. I am keeping most of her furniture as she bought lots of new items a few years ago. It means getting rid of things here first and that in itself is too much for me at the moment. I will get there in the end I am sure. Hopefully by the end of the year I will have cleared the house and be in a better position to sell it. I am not going to rush it as I want to really be ready to let go of the house as mum lived in it for 55yrs so it was a long time.
Did your mum live with you?
How is your little baby?
Keep going Leila and keep telling yourself how well you are doing even when you think you are not. Rest as much as you can and especially when your baby is sleeping.
Will check on you later ok
Big hugs
Deborah x
Hi everyone
My baby is called Yvette Vivien Yasmin. My mum wanted to call me Yvette but my dad vetoed it. It was my way of letting mum be involved in naming her. Vivien was mum’s middle name. She is a little darling and doing well. I try not to cry around her. I lived abroad and returned to live with mum. She then got more unwell and I was caring for her the best I could whilst holding down a very demanding job. It was one of the best things I have done and was an honour to do so (until my stupid mistakes towards the end).
Deborah- absolutely take your time, it is so hard dealing with their things and you need to feel ready to do so, for sure. It is lovely that you have put the photo and candle and her Welsh ornaments together. I talk to mum all the time and have photos all around. When Yvette does something cute or I am worried about her, I turn to mum to talk about it. I sometimes hug her coat and have tried to preserve her scent. Everyone thinks I am a little bit OTT or nutty at this stage.
Chatting to you all, I see that we all have the same or similar coping strategies, struggles and feelings. It is reassuring.
Lots of love
Leila xx
Leila, what a beautiful name! Yvette must bring you so much happiness. Babies bring so much joy and their first year is a precious time.I’m sure your mum is guiding you from above. It sounds like you did a fantastic job juggling everything and really put your mum first.
Where did you live abroad? I had a similar situation, but mum came to live with us in Italy in the end because it was impossibile for us to uproot. I didn’t want her to be alone any more, I just had this gut feeling that I wanted her with us. As you say, it was a privilege to have her with us and take care of her, though at times it was hard work trying to juggle everything: mum’s needs, a 10 year old, work and family commitments. I would do it all over though and just wish I had mum back for 5 minutes to tell her what a privilege it was and how much we all love her. It still seems unbelievable that she was gone so suddenly.
Lots of love to you and Yvette.
Kxxx
Dear Kate,
Yes, she does bring me so much joy. I didn’t think I would be able to have a child, so she is my little miracle. I lived in Madrid. What is clear from all our stories and we should take comfort in, is that we were blessed to have such wonderful mothers and we made sure we looked after them the best we could, whether it be living with them or inviting them to live with us, when not possible, visiting them in care homes regularly. We are not medical experts and did the best we could. So many “throw away” their parents, don’t care what happens to them or have a terrible relationship with them. Xx
Hi everyone,
Love your baby’s name Leila.
Kate glad you are like me and talk to your mums photo. I feel normal again . I read your post about Alex and Man U. It reminded me of when my son was little and he had a Man U bedroom. I had a duvet with David Beckham on it and used to joke i had ironed David Beckham’s legs lol. My son loved him and had his hair cut like him and wore the clothes from the Marks and Spencer David Beckham range. Now I am going back a few years so maybe you will not remember them. My mum was a M and S shopaholic so she always bought him something from there.
Helen well done on going to do the marathon. Are you doing a fundraising page for donations?
Jules I am thinking about you today as I think you said your mum passed 4 mths today. I knew it was just before my mum who passed on the 30th. How has 4 mths gone already?
I loved it when you said one of the teenagers had said you were the best. If ever there was a rewarding moment that was it. You will always remember those words. Just so lovely.
Well the weather here today is lovely and sunny for a change and I have managed to do quite a lot. Just housework but am knocking it as it has kept me busy. My son and his girlfriend are coming home tonight until Mon so I have something to look forward to.
Leila I didn’t think I could have a child either and by some miracle it happened. I had almost given up and threw myself into my lovely career when suddenly at 38 I was a mum. It was amazing. Treasure every moment with your little baby. She will be the one who pulls you through all this.
Keep going girls and remember I am here for you all.
Deborah x
Hello ladies,
How are you all today?
My son and his girlfriend are staying with us for a few days and last night I managed to stay in bed all night without getting up crying etc. I don’t know whether it was because I didn’t want to make a noise and disturb them or if I actually slept all night. All strange. I certainly felt better for it this morning though and not so tired. Will have to try harder from now on.
I know I have a life to lead but it is so hard. I am finding it so hard to accept that I will never see mum again. I feel so alone when I do the simple things . I used to park in the disability bays as she had a card for my car. Now I find it strange not being able to park there. I used to walk slow when I was with her because of her mobility and now I can actually walk with some speed which again is strange. I used to find seats in a restaurant that were high enough for her to sit and get up from easily and now I can sit anywhere. I used to take a flask of coffee with me in the car when I took her out just in case she couldn’t walk to the nearest coffee shop and now I find myself stopping in my tracks in my kitchen as I don’t need to do that. I used to keep the newspaper and magazines for her to read and now there is no need to. I used to write all her appointments in my diary and now it’s blank. I used to batch cook meals for her and keep in my freezer until I went to see her and now they are all mine . Oh I could go on and on. Are you all missing the things you used to do?
I hope you are all enjoying the sunny weather. I cannot believe how quickly the months are passing and summer will soon be here. It seems as though I have been on another planet for months. If only I could go back to my old planet !!!
Is anyone doing anything on the Bank Holiday weekend? I can’t face doing anything and don’t want to be around people watching them enjoying their lives so will be staying home as usual. Maybe will do some gardening . I don’t even want to buy plants as don’t even want anything pretty or colourful in my life. Just feel sad all the time. Am so sorry if I am coming across as depressed. It’s just the way I feel at the moment so bear with me. I know you all understand.
Thinking of you all
Deborah x
My mother died yesterday after a very long illness but whether days months or years, she was your mother. She held you even before you were born and loved you unconditionally ever after. Even when you argued, you knew as well as her, love never dimmed. To lose a parent is to lose 50% of what makes you, then add years of nurturing and that is a vast gap to fill. In fact, it’s a gap that will never be filled. Friends, lovers, amazing moments and defeats just make us want to tell Mum. There is no set time on grieving. We don’t get over it, we learn to live with it. Don’t feel you burden anyone by saying I miss her. You were better with than without her. How is that something to be ashamed of or hidden? I’m sure your friends know that and will gladly provide the hugs and kleenex whenever you tell them today is not a good day for me without mum.
Hi Deborah
So much of what you wrote resonates with me. The disabled parking bays: mum too had a blue badge, thinking about her medication,appointments, cooking the meals she liked, buying her favourite things in the supermarket, popping to the hairdresser’s for a blow dry, so many things. I haven’t been able to really go into the garden yet as it reminds me of her so much sat in her chair. She loved to sit out and play hide and seek with Alex. He hid and she called out where she thought he was as she couldn’t chase him. I will try and get it looking nice again for her memory. I think she’ll be with us out there.
We have 3 days of heavy rain forecast for the bank holiday weekend 
May is my favourite month of the year. Sunshine, but not too hot, flowers everywhere… such a lovely month. Even the changing of the months and seasons is tough with grief.
Mum’s neighbour texted me to say she heard a gnawing, scratching sound coming ftom between the houses so my aunt went to check. They couldn’t see anything but it’s a worry. I think I will sell the house eventually, keeping it for rent is too much of a worry as its a Victorian semi, not a modern house.
I need to get thinking about booking flights, I just seem to have no energy to do anything apart from working and taking Alex to his football commitments. Everything else is hard work.
Hope you feel a bit better soon. It’s good you have your son and his girlfriend home. Are you cooking anything special?
All we have on the agenda is another tournament locally tomorrow as they are through to the next round and Monday too if they make the final. All in the rain of course lol. Glad the weather is better in Uk.
Love to you all.
Kxxx
Thank you, Deborah. Lovely that you were able to have your miracle baby too 
. I am indeed treasuring all moments and boring people to tears with my endless videos, photos and posts about her! I can definitely relate to the parking and other routines/everyday areas which remind you of your life with mum. This was particularly hard for me in the early days and I would purposely avoid going to places where I would take mum because I would just be a blubbering mess- certain cafes, routes to hospitals or clinics, a particular park bench. This part does get better with time. None of us know we won’t see them again in some form. When I was pregnant and really suffering with my grief and moving mum’s things, I went into mum’s room and found a robin sitting on her window sill. It came in through the tiniest crack in the window (don’t know how it managed it). I then had a reading with a medium a couple of weeks later and she claimed my mum was mentioning a robin (amongst other really accurate information about the essence of mum, which she couldn’t have possibly known). This has really helped me not give up hope that our loved ones are out there somewhere.
I hope this story can do the same for you all here.
Kate- it is indeed better when the weather brightens up. I hope you are managing ok and not pushing yourself. Tend to the garden and house when you are ready.
Dear Jubes- I am so sorry for your loss. We are all here for you.
Much love xx
Hi Ladies, just read your posts. I agree with Leila, none of us know we won’t see our mums again so I’m clinging to the belief that I will. I like to think mum has just gone on ahead of me and I’ll catch her up some day. That’s what keeps me going.
I joined a choir at Christmas to raise money for our local hospice. They are doing the summer concert rehearsals at the moment. I wasn’t going to attend but Tom (my husband) really encouraged me and said if it’s too much I can just come home. Anyway, I’m trying to push myself to live so last night was the second rehearsal. Some of the songs remind me of mum. I was fine during rehearsal but then when I got in the car I just wept. It was the real sad and shouty crying that I don’t do so often now. I cried all 20 minutes home and then when I got home. I needed it. I’ve been much better today. Went swimming first thing, then did gardening as it was so warm and sunny.
Deborah, how nice that your son and girlfriend are staying. Maybe subconsciously it gave you comfort through the night knowing he was home. I miss my children terribly. I haven’t seen my daughter and granddaughters since early December and my son at Christmas. It’s far too long for me. Enjoy the special time with them.
Kate, it sounds like Alex’s team are doing really well. Fingers crossed they get to the final. What a burden you have with the house. Victorian semis are my favourite houses. I just adore the architecture. I’m sure it will get snapped up by someone. Try not to worry too much. Any issues won’t put people off much. Buyers are more interested in the ‘bones’ of the house. I hope you can enjoy your garden again. That might be the place you feel closest to your mum. Like me at the football stadium. When I first went there I was very emotional. I’ve kept going and now look forward to going. When negative thoughts come in like ‘poor mum should be here enjoying this’ I change to ‘did you see that goal, mum?’ I just imagine she’s there and not missing any of it at all. I hope she is there, watching. It’s a comfort. Like your garden will be to you some day. It will be ‘mum’s place’ 
Well ladies, we are all here for each other. We share the pain of this terrible loss. I’m 3 and half months down the line. I can give you hope that some aspects are easier. Not the missing mum. I will miss my mum for the rest of my life but living with it becomes easier. Hang on in there girls. Go with the grief. Awful as it is. Sending you all lots of love and thinking of you and all our precious mums. Hxxx
Hi Ladies
Hope you’re all ok.
Helen, well done with the choir, it sounds lovely. I too get emotional thinking about mum’s favourite music, at the moment I can’t listen to it. She loved the violinist André Rieu. I took her to a concert of his in Birmingham in 2011. It was fantastic. It’s good that you are keeping busy with new hobbies. Have you been out training today? I’d love to start running but have no staying power lol… I guess it’s a gradual build up?
The rain kept off for the tournament and tomorrow the kids are through to the final so another stint on the sidelines!!
Leila talking of signs, the other day I felt I could smell mum, her perfume in the lounge. It was only for an instant, but it was very strange and comforting…
I really want to believe we will meet again. I remember when dad died mum went to a meeting of the famous medium Doris Stokes.
I think for that reason church would be a good idea, to reignite my faith, but here I don’t feel the same connection with the Catholic faith. I will definitely go when I’m in Uk.
We’ve been doing a bit of planting new bushes in the garden today and I forced myself to the gym
Deborah, hope you’ve had a good weekend with the family.
Jubes, sorry for your loss. Hope you find comfort here.x
I’m off now as I’m quite tired again today.
Enjoy the bank holiday everyone.
Much love
K xxxx
Oh Kate, my mum loved Andrè Rieu too! Mum and dad used to watch his concerts on TV. It looked great fun. Glad you enjoyed this concert with your mum. Was that in Italy?
Believe me, I’m not looking forward to the half marathon. I did one once and vowed never to do it again. My brother has Parkinson’s disease but doesn’t let that stop him. He was always so fit and regularly ran full marathons. He asked if I’d do this one with him and I couldn’t say no. At least it’s making me get my running shoes on again!
So glad you got that sign from your mum. I bet smelling her perfume stopped you in your tracks. Glad you got comfort from it
Anyway, I’m pretty tired too now so off to bed. Night-night.
Hope everyone else is doing okay and your weekend has had some good points. Lots of love to you all. Hxxx
Hi Ladies
Helen, wow your mum liked André Rieu too? we went to see him at the Birmingham NEC. It wasn’t a beautiful location like the concerts in Maastricht and in other countries, but the concert was fantastic. Such a joyous atmosphere. Mum loved it and I did too. I’m finding music and Tv programmes too painful at the moment.
I’m now going into the seventh month without mum… it’s scary how the time passes and at times it still seems unreal.
Well done to your brother for taking part in the marathon; whether half or full I’m full of awe for those who take part!
Hope you’ve all had a good bank holiday weekend.
The rain kept off until the tournament was nearly over so that was good.
I do love May, but usually by mid month it’s really hot here so the summer seems endless. It’s a real struggle in the heat. Last year was a record, it was amazing that poor mum managed to cope. Thank goodness for the aircon!
Anyhow ladies I’m signing off for now.
Take care all and have a good week.
K xxx
Hi Girls,
I can’t believe what I have just read. Kate and Helen I am not just saying this but my mum loved André Rieu. She didn’t get to see him but watched his concerts on the TV all the time. I can’t get over it. Our mums had such a lot in common.
I too am finding listening to music very painful.
Today something very strange happened and I don’t know whether it was a sign I went to Cardiff and went to a Coronation Carnival event as we just happened to drive past it and stopped for an hour to look around the stalls. There was a small stage with different singers and dancers etc and lots of stall to look around. All of a sudden I heard bagpipes being played along with scottish bagpipers playing guitars so went to watch as people were doing Scottish dancing in the crowd. I watched and listened to a few songs and then all of a sudden they played Calon Lan a well known welsh song and it was the one we had at mums funeral as it was her favourite. I couldn’t believe it. This was a song being played by a scottish band in kilts playing bagpipes What was the chance of that and what was the chance of us stopping to pop into the event. On the journey there as it was approx 70 miles I had cried in the car as it was my first real journey since mum passed and I felt so guilty going out. I used to take mum to carnivals and fun days in villages near where she lived and she loved watching what was going on .Was she reassuring me do you think?
I found the whole day very difficult knowing my mum will never see all the shops again and everything else. I felt sick to the core and had no interest in anything. I couldn’t even go into a restaurant as it reminded me of when i took mum and i didnt want to see families being happy. Instead we had a lovely drive through Mc Donalds and I was fine.
Will catch up again with you all tom
Deborah x
Wow! My mum loved Andrè Rieu too! She was listening to him a lot shortly before she was taken into hospital for the last time. What an amazing coincidence!
Kate- it is wonderful you got a sign too. Did your mum get strong evidence about your dad when she went to Doris Stokes?
Much love to you all xx
Hi Girls,
Having a very down day today. Cried a lot today. Real sort of howling crying. Think going out yesterday made me feel so guilty mum will never do those things and today I kept thinking about the reality of it all. It just got too much for me and I have just sat and cried. I looked at her photo and talked to it but the tears kept coming. Her 90th birthday will be tom and I am dreading it. Not doing anything. Just can’t.
My son is having a new car delivered tom. He has had various dates for delivery over the past few months and all cancelled due to whatever reasons. Anyway when he had his first car the first person he took out for a spin was my mum. Just before mum passed approx a week before I asked her to look after my son especially when he was driving and she said she would. I just feel the car arriving tom is another sign.
Last week his old car broke down on our drive and a white feather was under the wheel. It is like she is ending a sign and tom she wants the car to arrive on her birthday. Am I going bonkers do you think? I think I am.
I think also today I have been alone in the house all day for the first time in months so I could actually have a good cry without feeling guilty that other people would see me.
Hope you girls are okish today.
Deborah x
Hi Deborah , sorry to hear you are feeling so sad. This grief really does come in waves. Birthdays and other special days are always going to be reminders of who we have lost. I have been busy. Work is mad but managed to try and enjoy the bank holiday. My Dad is also really unwell I receive d a call from the vascular team today. He has a 7cm aneurysm on his iliac artery. He already has two stents from a previous two. We are not sure if he is well enough for surgery we need to attend an appt with him to discuss limited options. It never ends… My mind and body can’t take much more of this. Not sure if I have any more tears or even how I feel about it all. I’m numb… Why is life so cruel?
Hi Julest,
Aww no! I can’t believe you are going through all this. If they tell you they can’t operate because of age then it is the worse feeling ever. It is going to be really emotional at the meeting but don’t give up hope just yet. Just be as brave as you can at the meeting and get through it even if it is the worst news possible. Don’t make any decisions at the meeting Just say you need time to think things over.
How old is your dad?
I can understand how you feel numb. I feel like that too. So numb I can’t physically move some days. For you it is different with having to go to work and I really admire you and others on here who drag themselves off to the workplace under this awful grief.
Let em know how you get on at the meeting and pm me anytime if you want
Thinking of you lovely
Deborah x
Thank you Deborah. Is the worst news when I’m still grieving for Mum. I’m on auto pilot now I think. I will just have to deal with everything and I can’t even think about how Dad must be feeling. He’s lost his wife of 60 plus years and now this to worry himself with. Dad is 82 years old. Not sure how I’m dragging myself to work but somehow I am. I have supervision next week. I’m toying with stepping down for a short period but not sure what that looks like. Work is a good distraction but frontline is unrelenting… See how that meeting goes. I read what you said about signs and your son’s car and it seems there are signs all over the place for you. One step and one day at a time for us all. I’m worried I won’t have anything in me to grieve for my Dad. It doesn’t look good and I’m preparing myself ( whatever that means) for the worst. I’m just so scared of him dying in pain. Mum went quickly and just drifted off - oblivious to it all. I sense Dad will be very very different. I’m trying to focus on all the good in my life right now. And there is lots to be so glad for but potentiality losing Dad within months of Mum is extra hard. Holding the hope x
Hi ladies. Seems we are all having our struggles right now. It’s true what they say, that grief comes in waves. It isn’t linear either. I thought I was getting better but have been weepy over the weekend. Today I was sorting out little bits of paper notes that had collected in my phone case. There was my sisters new address written in my mums handwriting. Oh it hurts so much doesn’t it when you see something so simple. I still have all mums text messages and voice messages on my phone. I can’t delete them but no way I can read or listen to them. I just couldn’t. It’s too heartbreaking. I’m filling up now writing this. The thought of it is too sad.
I see dad all the time and just walk in the house as always. For some reason last week as I opened the front door I had a strong thought come into my head ‘wouldn’t it be wonderful if I open the door and mum is sat in her chair as normal and all this has been a bad dream?’ I walked in and her empty chair just hit me worse than ever and I’ve been weepy ever since.
Deborah, you’ve had some lovely signs from your mum. The music and the car! I think your mum is really wanting that car for her special birthday. 
She wants it for her I reckon. I wonder what the reg plate will be? Maybe a 90 in there somewhere?
Jules, I’m so sorry you are having to go through this worry on top of your grief. How much can one person bear? You will get through this somehow. Definitely don’t let them push you into any decisions there and then. Just get all the facts and risks and pros and cons and take time to find the right answer. I feel for you love.
Can you believe all our mums like Andrè Rieu? Bless our gorgeous mums. How much do we love them? Beyond words.
I was offered full time hours with my old job but I want part time so still waiting. It will happen sometime. I’m doing an extra shift with them tomorrow so am looking forward to that.
Anyway, I’ll sign off now. Take care and I’m thinking of you all and our lovely and much missed mums Hxxx