Dealing with the sudden loss of my Mum

Hiya Kate,
Totally agree ! I am so lucky I went to A and E Saturday as otherwise it would have been a different story. I have never been so ill since the time I had my cancer op and that’s saying something.
Just got to wait now until they get back to me but on the positive my email has gone through and i am sure at some point they will respond.
How is your mood kate ? Hope you feel slightly better but I know you have a big first coming soon and that’s a massive one. We will help you so be prepared for messages galore !
Just wanted to tell you girls that other people on here have messaged me to say how lovely our friendships are. Isn’t that just lovely. We must be doing something good . I like to think that mums passing is helping me reach out to people and we have certainly reached out to each other and should be so proud of how far we have come in under a year. I started reading my old posts and cried because I didnt realise how grief has resulted in me turning into a totally different person that I honestly didnt recognise. Am so grateful to you all for helping me.
Kate are you working today? Helen how’s it all going with you ? Jules are you bogged down with self evaluation, target setting , assessments and monitoring yet lol ? Only teasing! Just hope you have settled in more and are enjoying it. Just watch over the next few months how your heels get flatter and flatter lol
Keep going girls.
Deborah x

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Hi Girls,
Yes Deborah I was working from home alone today for the first time in ages as Alex is back at school. Had a good cry and sat talking and apologising to Mum about all the signs I may have missed and even things she said which I didn’t pick up on. Now in hindsight things seem so black and white. It is so difficult reliving this time last year. We were sat watching the queen’s funeral … mum loved that. Little did we know.
As Helen said, I want to get this first year and the full cycle of firsts out of the way, maybe things will be a bit easier afterwards. I hope so.
Hope you are all ok, dare I say that my cold seems better at last? Have you had any reply from the GP Deborah?
Alex and Valerio have gone to Verona for the Verona Bologna football match.
Anyhow I’ll say good night for now.
Hugs to you all.
:two_hearts: K xxxx

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Him Kate,
First are so hard. Keep going my lovely friend.
No phone call back from the doctor today but I was kind of expecting it as the email said they would phone before 6pm Thurs. This is all bringing everything back that I did for mum. I remember having to fight so hard for her for everything. Now its for me.
Will check on you tom x
Deborah x

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Hi Girls,
Well what a saga.Havent had any phone calls from surgery but then they did say they would phone before 6 pm Thurs so only Wed today. Yesterday I had an email to say they would email me instead of phoning.This morn I had an email to say my last thyroid blood test was normal. Not sure how on earth that happened after 4 yes of monitoring and it increasing but good news anyway. Said I didn’t need to be on any medication for it.Tried ringing the surgery to say I still wanted to speak to a GP as my symptoms had not fully gone away from last weekend and I still wasn’t well.Also I wanted to talk about my thyroid results eg the blood scores as I always write them down to compare.Well you’ve guessed it.They told me to ring back in the morning as no telephone appointments available today. Ok the positives! At least the thyroid is ok.
I am going to phone oncology today for the actual results as they always tell me in detail.Will keep you informed
How is everyone doing? I suppose life,jobs,family is all taking up your time.
I had a very tearful evening last night. We watched the second programme of the documentary Glyn worked on in Dubai last Nov. Last week we watched the first one and I was fine.Proud moment mum sort of time,saw what Dubai was like and the programme was very interesting.It was all about Welsh people who had gone out to Dubai to work and how they had been so successful since doing so .So all interesting.
Well last night it was totally different.All the above again but I didn’t focus on that at all .Glyn had 5 weeks work out there and when I had no choice to tell him about mum within 5 mins he packed his job in and booked a flight home for that night. The enormity of what he did hit me for absolute six last night.Seeing him filming in the desert then realising he was so far away when I told him on the phone, picturing him telling his employers and packing his things in the hotel alone etc,and rushing to book a flight and to get back in time. I just couldn’t stop crying throughout the whole programme. It really took some guts and I kept telling him how proud of him I was. He said it was the best decision he had ever made. I know that at that age myself I wouldn’t have have been so brave to pack my job in mainly because in those days it would have gone against me big time. He said it was only a job and there wouldn’t be another nan.
Last night I remembered things I had forgotten on his way home from the airport in London he kept face timing mum whilst sobbing and telling me Please mum keep nan alive until I get there.
Then he showed her photos of what he had filmed and she asked him when would it be on the TV.He said after Xmas so she had something to cling on for. All this came flooding back last night. One of the worst bouts of crying I have had in a long time. On the positive I have got it out of my system now and hopefully next week I shall watch it and enjoy it more.
All this grief we are feeling is cruel,heartbreaking and just gut wrenching.
I need to re focus today big time and get my act together as my mum used to say.
She would roll her eyes if she saw me crying like this and say ok Deb that’s enough now let’s have a cuppa. A mum’s cup of tea sorted so much.
Let me know how you all are as am thinking of you all.
Deborah x

Hi girls, I am here reading your messages but I’m having a mad busy week. Everytime I want to reply I’m either dashing off somewhere or dog tired in the evening. Deborah, that’s terrible about your GP. Unacceptable. I’ll respond properly later. Speak soon girls. Hxxx

Hi Girls,
How is everyone doing ?
I am sure you are all flat out working and shattered.
I am feeling slightly better today. Phoned up oncology as still haven’t had a phone call from them re my blood results for cancer count. I was told to phone the admin straight after I had the blood test which I did. That was on Sept 4th. Was told the admin would tell the specialist colon nurse and she would ring me with them. That way it would save her checking her screen !!!
As I hadn’t heard anything I phoned the admin today to say she had had my message and would check if the results were back. Yes they were but the specialist nurse was working from home. Fair enough so I asked would she be in work tom. Yes but the admin said she had to print the results off put it on the nurses desk and then an appointment for a telephone consultation will be sent out . So I still have to wait. Never mind everyone is busy and doing their best.
I am still rearranging rooms in my house to make room for mums things here. Its been busy. I have held on to my own silly personal things for too long and have managed to have a good throw out and filed boxes for a car boot sale in Oct for the project set up in mums name. I have decided to fundraise throughout the year and donate the money on the anniversary of her passing each year so I have until end of Dec to raise some more.
Rest girls as much as you can because you all work so hard. Am proud of the way you all carry on working whilst going through all this grief.
Big hugs
Deborah x

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Hi girls, Deborah, I am frustrated for you! Yes they are busy but it’s still unacceptable from a doctors surgery. I have to say the GP I work at are really good. They keep a full days list available for same day appointments so most patients are accommodated. At least you’re feeling better now and that is good news about your thyroid. No wonder you are so proud of Glyn. Sounds like he’s a good ‘un :+1:t3: We went to Dubai 10 years ago. It’s an interesting place but I wouldn’t want to live there.

Kate I keep thinking about you and the way your mind is working overtime. ‘What if?…if I’d done this?…why didn’t I see this?…’ It’s normal as you still try and process it all. It’s like a regression back into a deep grief as the anniversary approaches. I do it too. I look at pictures of mum from a few weeks before she took ill and see she looked pale and thinner. Why didn’t I see this? I know it’s because I saw her every other day and it was winter so she had thick jumpers on etc. I have to deal with it somehow. I have to accept nothing could have saved mum. It was the cancer that killed her not anything we did or didn’t do. A work friend lost her mum last October too. I asked her how she was today and we both ended up finding a quiet room to chat and cry together.

On a lighter note, we are meeting a dog tomorrow. She’s a 2 year old cocker spaniel who’s owner hasn’t any time to walk her etc. can’t wait! And my sister gets married on Saturday. I had to make adjustments to her wedding dress. It was better to hand sew it so it took ages. She’s leaving from my house so I’ve been cleaning everywhere. I’ve also been finishing 3 little dresses fit my grandaughters to get them sent. We are also doing all the flus and covid vaccines at work so I’ve been reading up on all that. Ive had other training to do too. Honestly I haven’t stopped. I’ve got 2 weeks off in October and I can’t wait!

I’ll say bye fir now girls. Lots of love Hxxx

Hiya,
OMG Helen you have exhausted me with what you have been doing.How on earth have you fitted it all in? I am in awe of you !!!. No wonder you are exhausted. So much going on.
I feel the same about why didn’t I do this or that for mum.As you know my biggest guilt is over calling the ambulance that night and I just can’t move past that. I wish I could but the whole world can tell me I did the right thing and I would still feel like I do. I know we can’t turn back time and I know mum has gone but hell it’s hard to get my head round feelings of things I shouldn’t have done.
I know it’s only natural to feel like this and have read on here that so many people feel like this but it still doesn’t stop me feeling guilty.
I am just dreading Xmas without mum. The year before last I was at mums on Xmas Eve morning and had a phone call to say Glyn had COVID so I stayed at mums.Couldnt risk bring her back home here. Anyway we had a lovely Xmas day just the two of us and in a way it was quite special as this had never ever happened before. We laughed about how calm the day was and how we made such a simple Xmas dinner without the boys with us. We watched what we wanted to the TV and just relaxed. It was so different to the huge spread mum always put on for us but it was just so lovely. I now appreciate that time we had together that Xmas day so much.Lastcxmas we didn’t expect mum to be with us and we’re hanging on so much willing her to get through Xmas day.We messaged everyone to say no cards or presents and we didn’t celebrate the day at all. I told mum it was Xmas day but I don’t think she understood. My mum absolutely loved Xmas and filled her lounge with Santas everywhere. Her tree was amazing and last Xmas was just do awful with nothing but at least we still had her fir Xmas day. I just don’t know what we will be like this year without her.I know you girls are going through the same. I wish I could say I will go out for lunch but don’t want to be around people especially families celebrating and even looking so happy. Hope I am not coming across as horrible as that’s not my intention.
And also you get people wishing a happy Xmas and after it asking Did you have a nice Xmas. O M G dreading it.
I am going to have to think about a plan for the build up and the actual day so that it flies past.
Anyway girls will check on you tom.
Big hugs from Wales x
Deborah x

Morning Girls
How are things? Helen you have been busy this week! I hope your sister’s wedding goes well today and the rain keeps off! Here it’s still warm but the mornings and evenings feel very autumnal.
Aww hope your meeting with the pooch went well. Definitely something to look forward to!

It’s true dissecting every detail in the lead up to mum’s passing doesn’t help, in fact it makes my suffering worse. I know logically that she wouldn’t have survived for much longer as her heart was too weak. I just wish I’d have realised we were living on borrowed time. I feel I failed her for not realising. I guess it’s the time of year. I just hope that after the anniversary I can get a bit of closure at least.
I’ve also been dreaming of mum a lot recently, I guess because she’s been on my mind so much, or maybe she’s trying to reassure me?
How is your throat Deborah? I guess the medication will have kicked in by now? I’ve heard there is a lot of COVID going around, maybe my lingering cold was that?
Anyhow just a quick check in, off to a tournament later but the house needs a clean first :unamused:!
Helen let us know how the wedding goes! Best wishes to the happy couple! :heavy_heart_exclamation::heavy_heart_exclamation:
Love K xxxx

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Afternoon girls,

Helen have a great day at the wedding. Enjoy yourself after all your hard work.
Kate we will forever feel guilty about certain things The more I read and listen to other people the more I realise this is a common feeling.Hell to go through though and nothing is going to change. I also didn’t realise I was on borrowed time with mum.Looking back I realise she was old and struggling but as she never complained I just missed it. It really upsets me to think I didn’t see all this coming as I was always pro active and knew when something was wrong.
Am still not feeling well. My glands are swollen and I am feeling so run down Drained and emotionally shattered.I know I have to get stronger to face the firsts. I just keep reliving this time last year.Thinking about what we were doing .Checking my old diary and seeing where I took mum for appointments etc.Seens unreal all this has happened and I have to pinch myself when thinking have we really had a funeral for mum.Has she really gone. ?
Jules how are you getting on? What’s news in your new job?
Anyway girls I am going to plough on with sorting my house out and mum’s. I can’t keep putting it off.Today is a sorting the garage day so having a good throw out of old things.
Will check on you all tom
Deborah x

Hi Girls,
Helen how did the wedding go? Did you try any new cocktails? I think when we meet again we should start a tend and have a new cocktail each time.
I bet it was an emotional day though for all sorts of reasons. Just be proud of yourself for getting through it because I am proud of you. It is now time for you to ease off and chill for a while as you have been rushing around a lot lately. Time to relax a bit.
We are getting all out old furniture ready to be picked up by the Council morning. They only charge £20 for 10 items which is a bargain.
Tom am back at mums until Wed so I am going to do Kate and be like a robot again. Mum would want me too I know.
I have so much to do here today as I am sorting a spare bedroom that I have thrown things into for years and years and when I was caring for mum I just never had time to look through things and it became a dumping ground. Its so daunting but I am going to have another few hours in there again today.
Keep going girls. Am proud of you all
Deborah x

Hi Girls,
Am not doing ok. Am really struggling.
Been to mums yest and today and it was awful
Just cried and cried there.
Feel I am back to the start again
Deborah x

Hi girls, what a busy few days I’ve had. I’ve had to work out a kind of timetable to fit everything in! I’ve had to be so organised or I’d have felt overwhelmed. The wedding went well. Better than we all thought to be honest. It was a long day though as the wedding was at 12 midday and the wedding party left from my house so I had to be up early. Mum had suggested Becky walked down the aisle to ‘The arrival of the Queen of Sheba’ kind of joking but Becky had chosen that and we didn’t know. When that started playing I did well up. Dad seemed sad at first but then hit into the swing of it. I was expecting to take him home at 10pm ish but he wanted to stay and even had a dance with one of Becky’s friends. I was so proud of him and all of us. We enjoyed it despite mums huge absence.

Kate, I think this is probably the worst you’re going to feel during the run up to the anniversary. Well you know that anyway. We are all grief experts aren’t we. After every dip though comes some light. I’m dreading Christmas. Just the sound of a Carol makes me shudder. I need to change my psychology on that. I need to make Christmas a positive experience but maybe just not this year.

Deborah I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time right now. I think feeling ill physically really impacts our mental health. Everything gets too much. Have a good cry and allow yourself to feel awful and then start planning ways to improve the situation, physically and mentally. I think this is just the grief journey. It’s definitely not linear.

Well girls, we have put a deposit down on a dog. She’s a little black cocker spaniel who is 3 years old. The young family just don’t have time to walk her and have a tiny garden. She’s been loved but needs more time for walks etc. we are picking her up on 6th October. I can’t wait to get her. I’m going to order a new bed and harness etc. we still have Stella’s things but I’m going to make teddies out of those and put her ashes inside for the kids. I want all new stuff anyway for our new doggie. Watch this space!
I’ll say bye for now and hope we all have better days ahead. Lots of love xxx. P.S. a couple wedding pics to follow

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Hi Helen,
The wedding photos look fab.You and your sister look so alike. Am so glad the day went well Well done on getting everything done.
I am feeling better today.We had a plumber cal to do some work this morning at 7am so I had to get early.That even though I was not happy about getting up so early was the best thing that could have happened.It totally snapped me out of my horrible mood.
I would have stayed in bed all day long otherwise feeling sorry for myself.
It was very difficult yesterday at mums
It was the time that I had to bring back even more personal things and it all just got to me more than usual.
I think I should have gone all the clearing in one bid swoop as doing it this way is prolonging everything. I brought back so many lovely things and am keeping them Mum had beautiful Portmeirion Xmas plates and bowls so I will always use those at Xmas. Got them here now.
Kate and Jules are you both ok ?
Deborah x

Hi Girls

Lovely pics Helen, it must have been a fab day, even though your mum wasn’t physically there she was probably smiling down on you all. It’s good to hear your dad enjoyed himself too.
Aww the pooch sounds lovely, something to really look forward to and keep you busy and bring joy.
Christmas is not far off and last year I was still in a raw, semi trance. I hope this year it will be more bearable, but without mum it holds no real meaning. I will make an effort for Alex and for mum though as she loved the season. Have my second birthday without mum to get through first.:slightly_frowning_face:

Deborah, the dips are tough and I think you are right that stretching out the sorting can make it worse. That said, I still have mum’s stuff to go through here. I’ve set myself a target as at the end of October my friend is coming over to stay. I’ll need to sort out the spare room (mum’s room) for that. I still find it hard to find any real motivation to do much.
I’m not great now tbh. This is now the week leading up to the anniversary and I remember exactly everything from last year… day by day. It’s really tough with these flashbacks. Logically I know that it’s making my suffering worse, but I can’t help thinking back.

I’ve also still been dreaming of mum lots recently…this has never happened before. Maybe she’s trying to reassure me? Also I went for a walk this evening and a white butterfly seemed to be flying alongside me.
I have to hope it was mum…
Keep going girls, hugs to you all.
K xxxx

Aww Kate it’s all so hard going. I know it’s tough coming up to the anniversary and I don’t know what to say bec in a few weeks I will be going through the same and will be in a terrible state myself. I keep having flashbacks to this time last year when mum starting getting ill. I can’t believe it’s been a while year though.its like I have slept for most of it. I haven’t looked at my phone for ages as it has photo memories again of his time last year and it’s too painful to look at. I also haven’t had any signs for ages and keep asking mum to send me some but nothing happens. I keep thinking please don’t leave me mum.
I am aiming to get the house sorted by Xmas and on the market by the new year.I am getting there slowly. Once all the cupboards are emptied etc I can get an estate agent there to take photos and then remove the furniture. I will get there by new year hopefully.
Helen have you had time to get back to normal after everything? Did your sister go away on honeymoon anywhere nice ?
Your dad looked so lovely standing next to your sister.
Jules how are you doing?
Keep going my lovely friends.We are all doing so well even though we have our blips
Deborah x

Hello ladies I have been quiet for a few weeks but still thinking of you all. Has been a tough few weeks so needed lots of breathing space. Dad took a tumble and ended up in A&E. 12 hour wait. He is left confused and bruised but back home. My sister’s father in law had a heart attack but now back home so supporting her through this. My hubby’s best mate ( age 48) also very unwell but pulling through. I’m still trying to smile though but becoming harder. Learning a new role has kept me going and my work colleagues are just amazing. Deborah I love working in a school! I understand how you are all feeling with this time of year. I’ve been on auto pilot but today had time to stop and think about this time last year when Mum was becoming frailer. We will get through it . I’m trying to plan things. A weekend in Oxford to see two old friends; day trip to London over half term and I have booked a euro star trip to Paris for myself and daughter for next Easter. I find planning future trips is helping me. I can’t forget to live and celebrate the good in my life. I want to make more memories with Grace so she can look back and remember her Road ( well Eurostar) trip with me. I’m letting her plan it! I’ll write more when im feeling more positive but hope you are all ok. Jules x

Aww Hiya Jules.So lovely to hear from you.I guessed you were busy.So glad you love school life. It’s wonderful isn’t it.
You seem to have had a lot going on with different people being ill.It takes its toll on you do make sure you look after yourself.
Yes do the road trip with Grace.It will be fantastic.And you can plan for all the school holidays when she will be off school as well.
I too have been looking back to this time last year when mum started to get ill. I just wish I could have saved her.It breaks my heart just thinking about it.
Christmas will be tough for all of us but we have each other for support.
Rest and lok after yourself Jules and post when you feel able to.
Helen how are you feeling now ? Hope you have had a chance to rest after your hectic few days.
Helen is everyone and everything ok with you ?
No news with me today.The weather has been so stormy that I haven’t set foot outside.
Love to you all.
Deborah x