It’s lovely that you are able to think of your mum and what she’d be doing so fondly. I hope one day I can get to that stage. All I can think about are all the things she’s missing out on… Lovely days when she and my dad would have gone on a day trip, my daughter’s prom, even just sitting in my garden in nice weather. They always came round for coffee in the garden. Everything that’s supposed to be nice is just so tainted with sadness… I can’t see past that .
So Sorry for putting a downer of things when you sound so positive
Hiya Lindz,
I am just having a goodish sort of day remembering back but these days are few and far between. I always feel my mum is missing out so much and it hits me everywhere i go.
I always had her with me so whenever I eat out or go shopping , to the cinema etc i always wish she was still here. I feel guilty for even doing things without her. It has taken me 18months to even get to this stage but i cry almost every day over something . I cried even writing my last post about her because the memories were so real.
I think the sadness will always be there. Everything for me seems so pointless without her and I cant get past that. I cant say i have moved on yet. Still dont go out much as cant bear to without her. Havent been on holiday or done anything much since she passed. Dont even want to buy anything new as i havent got her to show whatever I buy to. Nothing will ever be the same.
It is still very raw for you so every small step will seem huge.
No one tells you what to expect and everyone is so different in how they grieve.
This is the beauty of this site. We can all share good and bad times we are going through and I can honestly tell you its a roller coaster with one day being ok then the next dreadful.
Just plan small steps or make a short list of things to do each day. As everyone says look after yourself. Sleep rest and eat so you keep as strong as possible. Aim just to survive each day. Don’t plan too far ahead and choose your friends wisely as many people simply dont understand unless they have experienced it. Get rid of anyone that hurts you. Basically put yourself first.
Keep fighting this horrible grief monster in any way you can
Give yourself praise for achieving tiny goals. Take every step slowly.
Keep posting on here as much as you like as it will help you.
Love Deborah x
Yes we all have to just do a day at a time. I keep telling myself that it must get easier… because my mum was happy even though she lost her mum… so there must be light at the end of this very long tunnel. I keep reminding myself that she went through this and came out of the other side and experienced joy and happiness again… wish she was here to ask her how she did it.
It’s so hard when the person you want to ask for advice is the one you’re grieving for .
We’re all doing so well in our own way, I’m hoping a time will come for all of us where we can remember and think about our mums and feel so much happiness in the memories and the time we did get to spend with them, rather than just what we’ve lost. Like I said, I’m taking my mum and how she dealt with losing hers as inspiration .
Hi everyone, oh Linzi, I’m so sorry you’re going through the dreadful days of early grief. Everything you say resonates with all of us. The irony is. The one person we all need is our mum. I too watched my dad going through the grief of losing mum. They’d been married 57 years. They were still having a great life. Going on fabulous holidays, season tickets at Manchester City, meals out. They were still going to rock concerts. Mum was diagnosed with lung cancer and died just 8 days later. My dad also seemed to be doing okay but I did feel he was just going through the motions. He couldn’t bear to talk about mum much and watching him suffer was another layer to my own grief. I really feel for you. My mum used to say ‘the close relatives that don’t cry at a funeral are the ones to worry about’ Maybe that’s what your auntie means. Maybe he’s bottling it up. If so, it will come out eventually. It needs to.
Kate glad you’re having a trip to the seaside. Will it be Skye’s first dip in the sea? I’m so happy she’s settled so well. Is she bi-lingual now? Don’t know what ‘sit’ is in Italian but I bet she knows more than me! I totally get you about something so simple can trigger the grief. Electric dreams by Phil Oakey came on the radio and it set me off because I could remember mum in the passenger seat saying ‘oh I love this one’ and then us both singing along to it as I drove along. The emptiness and loss can be all consuming at times can’t it?
Deborah, I agree with what you say. I’m still very deeply affected 18 months on. I still can’t listen to the voice messages on my phone or even read text messages from mum. I can’t deal with that yet, if ever. I still sometimes ask myself if this is all real and that it has happened. Hope Glyns flat is all progressing well. He must be getting excited.
I’ve been busy at work and have started playing tennis with a friend who lost both her parents around the same time as me. We go for coffee afterwards so it’s really nice. I’ve met some friends at church who I’ve become really friendly with. I’m still needing to keep busy to cope at the moment. I’m still very much here even when I’m quiet. I’m just so tired by 8pm usually too tired to write. I’m getting tired now though so will say night-night. Lots of love to all my dear friends on here old and new Hxxx
Yes it all sounds very similar. My mum died suddenly from a stroke. She was only 67 and they had been together 52 years. I think we are all still in shock. I do think dad is simply managing to survive day to day but he says he feels stuck because he can’t go back, but can’t see any happier future. How is your dad now? Is he managing?
Oh Lindz, it’s very painful to see your dad in despair. It’s wonderful that he has a close family to walk with him on this journey of grief.
I’m so sorry to tell you that my dad died 11 months after mum of cardiac arrest. So again, suddenly. It was on Boxing Day just gone. We’d all rallied around and were doing lots of things with dad. My sister was going to the gym with him and we went on trips out together. He never had a day without seeing at least one of us. We even said he could stay with us or move in if he wanted. He tried but never really picked up after losing mum. I lost mum in the January and dad in the December of last year. Both a complete shock.
I know my life will never be the same but I promise you it does get easier. You do laugh at things again and can eventually start to find joy in life once more. I went swimming every morning, write to them (still do), I started going to church (even though I’ve never been religious), investing in friends more, talking to friends on here, getting out in nature. Think of things that calm your soul or bring you joy and have a goal each day to include those things. Go with the grief too. If you need to let it out, go for it as hard as you can. Scream, punch the pillows whatever you need to do. I remember shouting at mum, how dare she leave me, how could she do this to me?! I was so angry at her for dying!! We’ve all been there and still are. Don’t be afraid to open your heart. No one will judge you on here. Nothing will shock or surprise us
Thinking of you. Lots of love Hxxx
Well said Helen.
I think we have all experienced every emotion possible.
This site saved me for sure. When the crying ,the screaming, the endless sleepless nights, the not eating phase, not getting out of bed phase, the wanting to throttle friends phase, constant raw agony times suddenly starts to ease then there’s just a sheer black hole of sadness that never ends. But there was a gift from our mum’s in this site bringing us together thank God.
I must admit it saved me.
It gave me hope to carry on when I was at my lowest.
Don’t think anything else would have given me that at the time.
I can’t even remember looking up a site like this. Don’t think I ever did so it wasn’t something I intended to do as I have never communicated in groups on line ever before. Always thought they were a bit dodgy to be honest.
But somehow out of nowhere this site appeared and somehow I must have dragged myself out of my grief pit to join and post. So glad I did. I am sure my mum guided me to it.
Lindz we are all here for you.
Keep posting as much as you want to.
Love Deborah x
Hi Lindz, please don’t feel bad asking about my dad. It’s absolutely fine. Ask away. Yes it was the worst year of my life by far. Our grief is different for each one of us but still with lots of similarities. We can all relate to each other. Just knowing others are going through it too and you aren’t going mad really helps. It’s a massive loss and you just have to find your own way of dealing with it somehow. Grief isn’t linear. A few months down the line when you think you’re feeling better, something will trigger the grief. It’s up and down but for me the downs aren’t as intense each time. Maybe the odd one. We’ve all had setbacks. You’ll get there love. Hxxx
Same here Deborah. I didn’t even know Sue Ryder did a grief support. I think in my desperation I just googled ‘how to cope with the death of mum’ something like that anyway and I found this group. I don’t know how I’d have coped without it. You and my other friends on here are so important to me. Lots of love Hxxx
Aww Helen you are very important to me also.
I was reading a few of our very early posts and omg I just had to stop . It was so upsetting how low were and how our posts to each other were so supportive. We truly kept each other going. It was heartbreaking to read how low we were.
Even though w font live near one another and Kate is even in a different country I can honestly say I have found true friends and friendship x
Love Deborah x
Aww Deborah, I’ve read the early posts the odd time too. They make me cry. The heartbreak in those posts is palpable yes, definitely true friendships. We’ve needed each other probably more than we will ever realise. We’ve gone through this journey together from those early days. Even before your mums funeral. I remember us thinking of you on that day. it’s been a tough journey so far but with wonderful friends who’ve made it easier. lots if love Hxxx
Hi Helen,
Yes the early days are very painful to think back on. There are still so many memories that I find too painful to even write about.
I am not going to read my early posts again as it was so upsetting thinking about how rock bottom of a dark pit I was in.
I still don’t know how I got to this point July 2024. It’s a miracle for sure.
My sister has been staying with us since last Friday. Going home tom. It has been hell of an emotional few days. Haven’t seen her since Feb 2023 at mums funeral.
It’s been difficult at times as I have wanted to scream at her for not coming down to help with clearing and sorting mum’s house. But I have risen above it and let it go. Simply not worth arguing or falling out over. Mum wouldn’t want us to.
Love Deborah x
How are you all doing?
We got back last night from our holiday. The break did us all good, but we were very close to the place we went with mum on holiday exactly 2 years ago. It was very triggering and hard to process. Little did I know she would be gone less than 3 months later. I feel I had a little sign.
We were having lunch outside on the terrace and talking about mum and how we would give anything to go back to Gloucester as we always did in August and suddenly a little bird flew straight onto the fence and didn’t seem to want to leave us;(mum always said she’d come back as a bird). That little bird kept appearing over the last few days.
It’s true, we have come a long way since those raw, desperate early days. I hope this gives hope and comfort to those early on in their grief journey here.
It will get easier, but those intese waves will still come allbeit further and further apart.
I can say that looking at mum’s photos and messages isn’t as hard now. Sometimes I can actually smile and laugh at random memories.
How are you feeling now Deborah?
I’m glad you spent time with your sister. Your mum would be proud.
Helen, it’s true that we all found each other here in our darkest hour and I’m sure we will be friends for life.
Love to all of you.
K xxxx
Hiya Kate,
Aww do glad you had a good holiday and yes I think that was a sign for sure. How else can you explain it.
I saw a white feather on the mat outside my back door the day my sister was arriving. Haven’t seen a feather in ages so it must have been a sign from mum.
My sister went back this morning and it’s left me drained.
She was fine and had a lovely time and couldn’t stop thanking me for everything but I feel drained from all the emotional side of things.
Just going to chill today and tom.
Love to you all girls xxx
Deborah xxx
Kate, glad you had a nice holiday, we go to Greece for a week on Wednesday, really looking forward to a break and change of scenery!
Deborah, I know what you mean about visits being emotionally draining. We had to stay at my husband’s parents for his mums 80th. Having to put a brave face on for other people is so draining. I find the same when my dad is round for a few hours. And Sod’s Law, it’s always when I’m feeling a bit sad and emotional but terrified he will see and that will upset him… sometimes I feel like an actor .
Have put a picture of mum in a tiny frame to take on holiday with me… don’t feel I could leave her behind… I know that sounds silly but .
It’s not silly at all Lindz. I take a photo of mum everywhere with me and have loads on my phone.
Holding grief in is very difficult. I cried a lot in front of my sister and countless times I had to dash to the bathroom to compose myself.
But am resting today and all day tom.
My body is telling me I am absolutely exhausted.
Sending love
Deborah xxxx
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yes, definitely true friendships. We’ve needed each other probably more than we will ever realise. We’ve gone through this journey together from those early days. Even before your mums funeral. I remember us thinking of you on that day. 
it’s been a tough journey so far but with wonderful friends who’ve made it easier. lots if love Hxxx
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