It’s true, I too try to take comfort from that. Mum was quite independent for 85 and had her dignity. Everyone tells you it’s the best way to go, but having lost both my parents that way 40 years apart, so suddenly it’s very difficult and traumatic to process.
Take care of yourself, rest and let yourself slowly heal.
K xx
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Hi Kate and Ginger,
I know people say its the best way to go and in many ways I guess it is but I dont think it is really. After hearing your story and now Gingers I realise and appreciate with all my heart that as painful as end of life was for those 6 weeks I had time to tell mum everything i wanted to say. I can only imagine how traumatic it was and still is for you and now Ginger.
I am so glad your mum was out in Italy with you Kate surrounded by the family she loved and little Alex.
Sending love
Deborah x
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Yes Deborah I’m so very grateful mum was with us. There’s a lot to be grateful for as I always said, but the shock of sudden loss is just the worst.
I still just find myself saying “if only I had known I would have done/ said “etc etc 89 weeks later….
I think sudden death is maybe easier for those who pass, but harder for those left behind. That’s what some say.
How are you feeling?
I’ve still got this annoying cough and feel so tired and run down.
Hope all you girls are ok?
Love K xxxx
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Hiya,
I feel the same . Run down and tired all the time. Lump still there so I just know I am heading for a scan. I am just so fed up with everything going wrong for me and constant worry.
I am taking vitamins so maybe they will help. Just started as never taken them before. Any help is welcome.
It’s tough looking back Kate but look back we do. We are all trying to be strong and brave but the reality is we aren’t. We are just so fragile.
I saw someone put a disabled badge near their car window and it just threw me. I thought OMG i used to do that.
Its all the little things that catch me unawares that causes so much pain. The sadness is so heavy.
Honestly how have we got through the past year and a half?
Deborah x
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Deb we’ve certainly got through it thanks to the support we have found here… it’s a safe place where we can honestly say how we are feeling and talk openly about our grief journey.
A place where our mums’ and dad’s memory is always alive and the focal point of our thoughts.
Hope today is a good one for you all.
I’m off to work, the cough seems to be thickening up a bit.
Lots of love to you all.
K xxx
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Hi everyone. I lost my mum suddenly on 18th April this year. She had a sudden catastrophic stroke. She was only 67. We never saw it coming. I’m so heartbroken, but also for my dad. He’s 69. They had been together 52 years. I’m so exhausted trying to deal with how I feel, but I’m so worried about my dad. He’s so devastated and saying he doesn’t see a future now and feels cheated that she was so young. I just don’t know what to do with myself.
I’m trying to keep things as normal as possible for my 16 year old daughter but it’s so hard when I just want to curl up in a ball on cry my eyes out. My husband has been as supportive as he can, but I feel like I’m just such a misery to live with.
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Oh Lindz, I am so sorry to hear this, your mum was young and to suddenly to lose her like this is the hardest thing in the world. My mum had a brain haemorrhage last year in May, it was very sudden and unexpected. I found the months after losing her almost impossible to bear so hope I can understand what you’re going through. I guess I found looking after my dad a comfort, although, am back on my own now, I was there with him for a few months after as we were helping each other cope. I don’t know if there is a way to get through the intense feelings, other than to allow yourself to go along with how you feel. It is so important to recognise your own grief, as I think we can sometimes concentrate on supporting others more than ourselves. Your mum is surely with you, I almost feel that more in recent months as I am more relaxed in myself than I was last year. I read this poem, it said… “today was a good day and I missed you, yesterday was a bad day and I missed you. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but I know I will miss you”. That’s basically how I still feel today, despite being a year on. We never really lose them, and am truly grateful for having had her as my mum. Take care and please post here whenever you need to, thinking of you. Gill xx
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Hi. Thank you for your lovely reply. Sorry to hear about your mum too. Yes we just miss them all the time, no matter what we’re doing or where we are. I keep getting the urge to book time away, or move house… almost like running away but deep down I know it wouldn’t help because I’d feel the same no matter where I am. Just worry so much about dad… he has been having dinner here and at other peoples houses, and I’m happier when I know he’s occupied, but my heart breaks again when I know he’s back home by himself. He could have another 20 years here… he just doesn’t know how he will get through and I hate the thought that he’ll feel so sad for all that time.
I feel enough of my own grief, but I know worrying about him is making me feel so much worse. It’s like I don’t know whether to feel most sorry for him or myself 
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Hi Lindz,
Welcome to our little group.
I am so sorry about your loss.
This site has helped me so much as it is a place as Kate wrote where we can support each other and over the last 18months we have been supporting each other though all the emotions possible.
I would say to look after yourself first so you are strong enough to help your dad and your family. Its still very early days for you when everything is so raw.
Try to set yourself small goals for each day and rest as much as you can.
Grief is a rollercoaster of emotions and somehow we have to carry on and get through each day. Its so tough going some days though.
Post whenever you want as we are all here for you
Sending love
Deborah x
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Will do and thanks so much for your support x
Hi everyone.
Had a bad couple of days. It was my daughter’s prom last night and I knew I’d be so upset that my mum wasn’t here. She’d have been so proud of how lovely she looked. So dropped her off and came home to sob for an hour. Had to pull myself together as dad was coming for dinner and I didn’t want to upset him more. Apart from Father’s Day, it was the first “event” mum has missed and I’m so sad 
. Absolutely dreading mums birthday in September, don’t know how any of us will get through it 
.
Oh. Also wanted opinions please… my auntie said the other day that she didn’t think my dad was coping well. I didn’t know what to say to that. She made me worried. But he’s been going to work, been to his archery club a few times, and goes to various family members houses for dinner a few days a week.
I don’t know what she is expecting of him. It’s not like he’s isolating himself from people or drinking or anything. It’s only been 8 weeks and they were together for 52 years. Is it me or is she expecting miracles?
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Hi Lindz and welcome to the group.
I’m so sorry for the sudden loss of your mum.
I too lost mum suddenly to cardiac arrest 20 months ago. Luckily she was living with us but the shock and trauma was horrific.
It’s very early days for you, so yes let yourself cry and feel all the emotions and ride the waves when they come. Today whilst working from home I had a little cry whilst thinking about a place mum and I used to go. Grief can come suddenly in the form of a thought, a place, a smell, a song, an advert on tv…
20 months later it still stops you in your tracks.
It’s normal that the first “events” can be difficult.
My birthday was just 8 weeks after mum passed, then Christmas, Mother’s Day, her birthday.
Tbh the lead up is often worse than the day itself I found.
It sounds as if your dad is doing very well indeed especially given that it’s early days. Don’t let people judge your grief, though they often do. We have to do what gets us through, whether that’s keeping super busy or being alone with our thoughts and emotions. In my case going back to work helped me and keeping busy as a whole.
We are all here for you.
Sending love,
Kate xxx
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Hi Kate,
Thanks for your lovely message. So sorry about your mum too. It’s so hard…
Thinking of everyone here who is in this awful club
Best wishes,
Lindz xx
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Hi Lindz,
I agree with Kate.
I think your dad is showing so much strength in going out. I am 18 months on and I am still not teh same person when it comes to going out. I didnt go out for months after my mum passed. In fact I think my first trip away just for a night was to meet Helen and Kate on here and that was after 1pprox 8 months. I never left the house so your dad is doing really really well.
Your aunt is expecting too much and doesn’t realise he is trying so hard . Probably to put a brave face on when inside he is a mess. But he is still trying. So he needs positive support , praise and encouragement.
The first anniversaries and special days are terrible when you look back. Mind you the second anniversaries are just as bad. I remember the first year my birthday and Mothers Day fell on the same date. It was awful and just after 3 months after mum passed.
The only solution is to go with it. Get up late on special days and bed early if that helps. You can spend the day keeping busy as a distraction or doing special to remember them. I have done all of them and nothing eases the sadness but try them anyway.
Sending love
Deborah x
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Hi Deborah,
Thank you for your lovely reply. That’s reassuring that you think he seems to be doing as well as he can. It’s hard when people give opinions which throw what you thought into question.
I’m just trying to take things a day at a time and not think too far ahead as much as I can.
Thanks again, your reply is much appreciated
Lindz xx
Hi Girls
How is everyone doing? I’m ok, we’re stuck in traffic heading for the seaside🤦♀️.
I have a week off so hopefully I can recharge a little. I’ve been so exhausted recently.
I think I dreamt of mum last night… but couldn’t remember the details as usual. God I miss her so much. I feel she’s always with me guiding me with her advice on a daily basis. I like to think she’s right behind me, just out of sight but never out of mind.
Keep going everyone.
Lots of love K xxx
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Hi Kate,
Hope you have a lovely time and that it helps to recharge you a little.
Take it easy!
Lindz xx
Enjoy yourself Kate x
Hi Girls,
How are you all?
Weather is a bit better here today so we are out in the garden again doing some more clearing.
I also have dreams sometimes about mum Kate. Its strange because as soon as I wake I can’t remember the details although at the time they are so vivid. I wonder if its mum coming through to me.
What would you all be doing with your mums now its July?
I know exactly where I would be with her. We would be hitting the July sales big time. Mum loved a bargain and she would be in M and S sales. We would also be planning our Sept road trip. Booking hotels and planning a route somewhere. We always went the first week in Sept when the schools went back.
She would be out in her garden telling me what plants to put into her pots and where to put them. She would be out and about with me buying solar lights and deciding where to put them. Then checking every night to see if they lit up.
She would stock her freezer up with lollies and ice creams and her garden furniture would be out so she could sit outside. God how I miss her. I would give anything to see her sitting in her garden or to see her standing at her gate or at the window waving to me as I left.
Keep going girls. Thinking of you all including you Ginger24 and Lindz
Love Deborah x
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