Hi Kate,
I feel so down at the moment bec I said we the GP lady Mon and I have to have a scan for my neck lump. I know it’s not a big deal but after my cancer scans it’s all got to me and dragged me down.
My blood tests all came back normal so that’s one good thing. It was a complete blood test so Helen you would understand more but apparently I was told more things are checked and all were ok. Struggling to swallow as throat is painful in one side but GP will not give antibiotics or anything so am just taking ibrofen to ease it.
Missing mum terribly lately. More than ever. Just lots of things remind me of her. Everywhere I look and do. I keep visualising her with her hair all done looking really smart in her clothes ready to come out with me for the day. It makes my heart ache so much.
Sometimes I can’t be bothered to even try to be happy and put a brave face on . Poor Paul has to put up with me.
Just wish I could have have had just a year or two more with mum. I know we all feel like that though. I am very grateful for the times we had though and everything we did together. But you always want more dont you ?
I am not sure what’s worse. The summer or the winter without her. Both the same I guess.
I know it’s tough for all of you girls too.We just have to carry on somehow.
I hope everyone is doing as well as can be.
Love to you all
Deb x
Oh Deb, that sounds really uncomfortable, especially if its affecting your swallowing. Do they think it’s enlarged lymph nodes? Or maybe a cyst of some kind? My Dad had a cyst in his throat one year and it was uncomfortable, it was caused by stress and overwork. So sorry you’re still feeling unwell, it makes everything so much harder. you’ve been through a lot this year with the sale of your Mum’s house and everything along with this, maybe it has come about from stress and just doing too much? I find it hard to pace myself, and often feel like am either too busy, or sitting staring at the walls getting upset and missing mum. It’s really hard to find a balance without them for some reason. I feel a lot less sure of what I need for myself and miss her guidance and friendship. Anyway, take care, it’s good to hear your update anyway.
It’s still pretty cold here, although some days are quite warm and muggy, feel like we’ve been waiting for summer to start but it just hasn’t arrived properly. In fact, if it wasn’t warm, looking outside just now at the wind and grey skies, I could believe it was autumn! I need to trim the hedge at the front of my flat, so this might be my task tonight. It has got a bit overgrown… not my favourite task though, so might wait to a day with less wind.
Take care all, we’ll get through this year together.
Gill xx
Hi Everyone
Oh Deborah I’m sorry you are in discomfort with your throat. It does sound like a glands problem or a cyst as Gill says. Those are just typical when we get run down and you’ve certainly been through it these past 18 months. Grief has physical symptoms too remember.
Anyhow try not to worry and the fact your bloods are fine is great news.
I too just have no real enthusiasm for anything at the moment, I sometimes get annoyed with myself because mum wouldn’t want that for sure.
I’ve just popped into the local town and had to pass mum’s chiropodist and hairdresser and the disabled bay where I used to park. The memories just came flooding back. 
Thank goodness for little Skye for keeping me smiling and always being so joyful and sweet.
It helps to live in the moment and try not to dwell on the past or worry for the future. Dogs for that are the best therapy.
I know it’s not easy for us to do girls, but we must try.
Our mums are willing us to be as happy as possible.
Love to you all.
K xxxx
xxx
Hiya,
I agree Gill and Kate the lump could be from stress , grief, worrying, so trying the house etc. When I look back I realise how much has been gone. I don’t know how I did it all.
Just got to get the scan done asap.
Aww Skye is truly fabulous. She is so cute.
Kate I am constantly passing places I went with mum and it hits me for six especially when I am on my own. I miss her being beside me.
Gill I miss mums friendship too. She really was my best friend. I was so lucky to have had her for so long.
Hope everyone is okish
Deborah x
Aww, hi Skye. 
They are great aren’t they Kate? Their zest for life is infectious. I love how dogs just live in the moment. No concept of past or future. No knowledge of death etc. What a great way to live!
Deborah, because of what you’ve been through in the past and losing mum it’s probably making you feel vulnerable and overthinking. Totally understandable. When will you find out exactly what is causing the neck lump?
I had a meltdown the other night. I was being a complete cow with Tom then when we went to bed I was huffing and puffing. He just fell asleep (perfectly within his rights to do so) but I was just feeling so alone. I started to cry but didn’t want him to hear so tried crying quietly but it was just building up more and more. I grabbed the car keys and, in my dressing gown went out in the car and just let it out! Big time!! I was shouting, crying, cursing mum and dad for dying!!! (Sorry mum and dad) I was like a crazy woman. Driving in the countryside in Derbyshire. All the pitch black lanes. A deer ran out in front of me and snapped me out of it. I didn’t hit it thank goodness but gave me a shock. I was out driving for a good hour. Then when I came home about midnight I sat in the front lounge where I’m storing all mum and dad’s stuff from the house and just fell asleep on the sofa. I’m okay now. I just think that it was all building up over a few weeks and just got the better of me. I feel so much better after that! Me and Tom have come away and are doing a little tour of Yorkshire over the next few days. I think we both need it.
I just thought I’d share this honestly, so anyone else on here doesn’t think they’re cracking up if they find themselves doing some bizarre behaviour. We are all in a situation that is so out of our normal life we can do some odd things that is out of character. I’m okay now so it was a short lived moment.
Keep posting on here. Be as honest as you need to be. Sending lots of love from hot and sunny York. Hxxx
Oh my goodness, Kate, those deer!! I had one do this exact same thing to me when I was having a meltdown driving home to my dad the winter after mum died. I was driving too fast, upset and crying, then suddenly here was a deer at the side of the road ready to jump out. Like you, it shocked me so much I was brought back to the present and was able to drive safe home. Maybe a sign from our folks? They just love us so much and want us safe. Derbyshire has similar types of roads! I’ve only been once to this part of the world but it was lovely, more like single track roads and incidentally is the only place I ever saw a badger!! It was running in front of my boyfriend’s car. It was fast! We had both never seen one so it was really special.
I hope you felt ok after being out for a while, sometimes we just need a break away from the usual places.
Thats when I really feel things, tbh however, which is hard, but it is good to get away, even if it is just to get back home. Gill xx
Hi Gill, it was me love, Helen, who had the meltdown. Sometimes we try to suppress the grief for fear of upsetting our loved ones or fear of judgement (because of course, society thinks we should be ‘over it’ by now! 
) It gets so hard to contain and being alone in the car in the dark meant I could fully ‘explode’. I actually strained my voice I was shouting so much! It just needed to come out like that. I could never do that with someone around, I’d be too self conscious. I find grief is exhausting and so difficult to contain it if it needs to fully come out.
That’s amazing you had the same experience with the deer. Funny you mentioned the badger as I saw one of those too crossing the road! Maybe the deer was our mums saying ‘stop now, that’s enough!’ I imagine mum and dad not being happy about how I was the days leading up to it. Just miserable and very irritable. My husband getting the brunt of it! He’s caring but not very good at handling conflict so his strategy is to avoid me which makes it worse. He likes life on an even keel and with my grief, he’s had to live with my changing mood and extreme lows.
Anyway, I wanted to share it so others on here can see our honest experiences of grief. Thankyou for sharing your meltdown too. Sending you lots of love, Hxxx
Aw Helen, I was meaning to write Helen but for some reason wrote Kate! I will blame my late night typing. I know exactly what you mean about the expectation that we should be just moving along as normal, which makes it worse in a way. I find it really difficult to go home to the wee town my folks live as people will mention mum in the past tense which I find really hard. In my head sometimes I pretend she is still in the house, as honestly it can feel as though she’s in the next room. I think I find it easier being away as I need to have a proper cry sometimes when am there, and it upsets my dad. Anyway, I think a meltdown is helpful for sure, although it can be frightening to be in the middle of it and feeling so bad! It’s like anger and frustration and grief all at the same time, I guess it must be hard for the people who love us to see us get so upset too. Take care, and look out for those deer and badgers! I loved it down in Derbyshire, beautiful area. Really different to Scotland. I believe we do have badgers here in Scotland, but have never seen one, except on Springwatch on TV. Love and hugs, Gill xxx
Hi Helen,
I am not surprised you did that or anyone to be honest. Grief drives us to the darkest deepest pit of despair. What else is there sometimes but to want to run away and scream.
I have got up in the night many times and walked around the garden sometimes in the freezing cold looking up at the sky saying mum where are you ?
I have sat downstairs during the night sobbing until I fall off to sleep on the sofa.
I have been horrible to Paul because I don’t have anyone else to be horrible to and I simply want to be horrible. How horrible is that to even write.
So I understand why you drove that night.
It’s the feeling of wanting to get away at that particular moment. The feeling that no one understands you. The feeling that you will somehow feel closer to your mum and dad if you drive somewhere. Then reality kicks in and you know nothing really works.
When you feel so low again post on here or text me. A chat sometimes helps.
Sometimes not but we are all here for you.
Same for you all girls ok
Post whenever it all gets too much for you.
We are all trying to be brave, to get through this , to carry on with our lives and sorting out families out but deep down if you are like me struggling still.
We have a fantastic network between us which has lasted so reach but whenever you feel down.
Don’t struggle on your own.
Sending love to everyone x
Deborah x
Thankyou so much girls. I didn’t write on here at the time but once I’d come to my senses I knew I needed to tell you about it. Where would I be without you lovely lot? I dread to think 
you are all wonderful and I’m so glad we are holding each others hands through this. Love you all Hxxx
Hi Girls
It’s so true, we have this special bond, and this safe place where we can openly grieve and be honest about how we are feeling, warts and all, without having to justify or explain. I frankly can’t do that with anyone else. Everyone : family, friends and acquaintances just expect me to be over it and “get on with enjoying my life”.
Even my aunt wrote that and although she didn’t mean it in a nasty way, it’s just not possible.
More than anyone, I know that mum would be (is) telling me to do that so I try to for her sake. I know we can’t be consumed by our grief forever, but I wish people would understand that it’s not a question of putting a plaster on our broken hearts and carrying on, healing takes time. 
Helen I hope you are enjoying your break. Your meltdown was understandable and don’t feel bad about it. You needed to offload. It really seems like the deers could have been signs for you and Gill. 
. We really have to believe our beloved parents are looking out for us all from wherever they are. 
Love and hugs to you all.
K xxxx
Hi Helen,
Glad you shared to be honest as I thought it was just me taking so long to move on.
Deborah x
Hey everyone, just wondered how you’re all doing? Been a pretty quiet few days for me, I seem to find it harder on these nice days to feel ok, they were always a bit like that, but worse now, summer was my Mum’s favourite time of year. I always find things harder socially this time of year as well, but she was always there to chat, made my life more complete in a way that it’s not any more. I miss her! Just wanted to tell someone as I can’t say to my dad in case I upset him (again!). Take care, hope it’s been a good few days for everyone. Gill xxx
Hi all,
Hope everyone is ok. We had a nice holiday, but I’ve felt really down since we got back. I just feel like running away back to Greece… sudden memories keep popping into my head about mums last few hours, or they way she alway put perfume on when I picked her up to take her somewhere… or her showing me her new dresses for her holiday which she never got to go on. Crying even writing this now… it’s all so unfair.
Sorry for being such a negative person today, just thought I’d check in 
Love Lindz xx
Hi Lindz, I can understand these feelings very much, it has often felt cruel, just little things like clothes laid out waiting for a happy occasion. My Mum was to be going to a wedding that next week and had been lookng things out to wear. It broke my heart to see it lying there waiting, like this hurt more than anything, had to just hang it up in the wardrobe, as I couldn’t bear to see it. It still hurts. I replay in my mind her last hours too. It was traumatic to see and I am relieved it wasn’t too long for her to pass. I’d have gladly taken care of her longer had it been possible but she was gone too soon. Thinking of you and all you girls, it is good to know you’re there. Gill xx
Thanks Gill, I know exactly what you mean… I wonder what makes some days harder than others. Maybe it’s tiredness, but the hard days are so hard.
From the phone call from my dad, to mum leaving us was only just over 6 hours. She was fine before that - I’d only seen her a couple of hours before. I’m glad she didn’t suffer too long, but I’d give anything to have more time with her 
Thank you for replying and understanding.
Take care
Love Lindz xx
Hi Girls
Oh Gill you saying about the clothes laying out….
The morning mum died I found her in her bedroom and her clothes for the day were laid out on the bed. We were planning on going out for lunch that day.
That really broke my heart too.
Like you say Lindz, I’m hoping she didn’t suffer as it was so sudden, but recently I’ve been going over the last days too in my mind trying to make sense of what happened.
Keep going girls, there will be better days.
Love to you all.
K xxxx
Oh so sorry Kate, it’s awful isn’t it
Love Lindz xx
Hi all,
Hope everyone is ok. Reaching out because I wanted to know if anyone else has experienced this and does it go away? Is it temporary?
I feel like I’m going loopy…. I’m literally worried for my sanity. I’m feeling increasingly panicked over thinking that I’m not going to see mum again. Every time I look at her picture or think about her, I get this massive ball of anxiety in my stomach and I feel so panicked… like I need to do something urgently to get her back.
This is the first time I’ve felt like this and honestly, it’s the worst I’ve felt since she went.
Can anyone relate? Because now I’m starting to think maybe I have developed a mental health issue (sorry if this seems dramatic but it’s how I’m feeling). I’m feeling unhinged emotionally.
Love Lindz xx