Hi Lindz, I can definitely relate to this. The only way I can cope is quickly changing my mindset. I have to believe mum and dad have just gone ahead of me and I will see them later. If I think I won’t see them again I can’t cope. My brain just cannot fathom that. I too feel panicky if my mind wanders to the thought of not seeing them again so I have to focus that I will. I do believe I will see them again. I believe we all will. Lots of love Hxxx
2 Likes
Hi Helen,
Thanks for your reply, that makes a lot of sense. I will try to change the way I think about her and hopefully it will help.
Like you, I know I will see her again, so will try and move my focus onto that.
Hope you have a good day.
Thanks again
Love Lindz xx
Hi Lindz, I’ve also felt this, especially badly in the early days not long after losing mum. It’s like panic sets in. Like Helen said, I think too that we’ll see them again, it keeps me going some days especially when am feeling panicky. There are some nice poems I’ve read as well about grief and although I can be crying or anxious when I read them, it’s like it helps me process it. Then, I kind of manage to get through it. There a lot of stuff online about grief as well. I joined a Julia Samuels evening and bought her book. It helped to hear other people’s experiences of grief. Like they say, it is love with nowhere to go, but I think they are aware we are loving them, just from a distance. They do know and are still with us, am sure of that. Take care, Gill xxx
1 Like
Thanks Gill for your lovely words… I do believe she is with me and I keep telling her that when it’s my time, I’m going to give her the biggest hug she’s ever had…
Thanks again, take care,
Love Lindz xx
2 Likes
Hi Lindz,
It’s normal to feel like that. I still feel like it after 18 months. The feeling of wanting to run to find her and bring her back.
The guy wrenching horrible feeling when I realised I can’t.
When I feel like this I put strategies instantly into place otherwise I would go mad. Instantly having something to change my mindset. You dont want to know how many times I have watered my plants at 3am in the morning. It’s best to have some quick fixes up your sleeve so to speak to switch your mind instantly otherwise grief will take over. It’s all about distracting your mind quickly so you can get through it.
That’s what I do anyway.
Sending love,
Deborah x
1 Like
Hi Deborah,
Thanks for replying. That sounds like a good strategy, I’ll try that because sometimes I do feel like I might go mad. It’s like I get all this adrenaline to go do something to save her, but there’s nothing I can do so have all this adrenaline with nowhere for it to go. So it seems to turn into anxiety and panic instead.
Thanks again, take care
Love Lindz xx
Hi Lindz
I think trying to divert your thoughts and change your mindset is so useful as the girls have said in those early days.
Grief definitely evolves. Last summer I could barely sit out in our little garden as it was just so raw and heartbreaking seeing mum’s empty chair. This year we’ve been trying to make it look pretty because I now realise that mum would want that. It’s a way of honouring a place she loved.
That’s what we have to try and do, honour and remember them in our everyday lives. That way they are always with us.
Love to you all.
K xxxx
3 Likes
Hi Kate,
Thanks for your reply. I’m glad you’re feeling able to sit out in your garden again and remember your mum. You’ve given me hope that time does change the way we feel and make it a little easier to remember the good times and not just feel the sadness.
Thanks again,
Take care,
Love Lindz xx
3 Likes
Hi Girls,
Just realised we haven’t posted for ages so am hoping everyone is doing okish.
I haven’t been well with my neck lump and swollen glands but thankfully things are slowly improving. Still waiting for a scan though.
What have you all been up to ?
I have been resorting some of the things I brought back from mum’s house. Instantly the tears start. Doesn’t get easier to do.
When I cleared mum s house I just brought every back here and found homes for things quickly. It was my way of dealing with all the bits and bobs. Now I have started looking at things more closely and deciding what to keep. I can hear mum saying " for goodness sake Deb get rid of that " but then I hear her say " Aww Deb don’t you dare get rid of that lol" It’s so difficult.
Anyway girls I just wanted to let you all know I am thinking of you.
Lots of love
Deb xxxxxxxx
5 Likes
Hi Deb, good to hear you are doing ok, sorry that you are still waiting to see someone about your neck lump and glands! I was thinking about you all yesterday, it’s been a while since I posted as well. I just wanted to come on this morning and say that when I woke up today, I honestly felt my mum with me. I had been coughing (I often cough at night), and she used to say “I heard you coughing” if I stayed with them. It felt like she was listening and saying, I can hear you, are you ok? It was lovely, and for a while, after waking, I completely forgot she was gone as it was such a strong feeling that she was there with me, felt totally normal that she had just spoken to me. It has brightened my day. I woke to sun and a nice breeze after a long 2 days of constant rain here in Glasgow. Thinking of you all, take care, Gill xxx
4 Likes
Hi everyone. Aww Gill I’m so glad that gave you comfort. I believe they are still with us somehow. It’s such a strong bond that will never be broken.
Deborah I hope you are still recovering and feeling better.
Hope you are enjoying summer Kate and managing to find joy. Especially with little Skye! 
Jules, I think about you often and wonder how things are with your dad.
I’m doing okay. We got mum and dad’s house valued and it was £15k more than expected. We cannot afford to buy out my siblings as planned so have been coming to terms with having to sell the house. I don’t want to borrow any money to meet the deficit and I want my siblings to get full value price. I’m starting to think it might be for the best. A leaking pipe had caused a flood and now the floor has been lifted and there’s a hole in the ceiling it doesn’t look like mum and dad’s. It’s helped me detach in a way. I’m hoping to start picking myself up next year and live a full life again but I realise you can’t just flick a switch. I will get dad’s first anniversary over with then mums 2 year and take it from there.
I’m still enjoying my job and walking little Mary does me the world of good. Getting out in nature is such a tonic.
Take care everyone and keep finding some joy. Lots of love Hxxx
3 Likes
Hello all,
Sorry you are still feeling unwell Debs and hello to you all; Kate , Helen and Gill. I have had a little break from posting and reading the threads. Dad is still unwell but I think we are just managing each day. He has so many things wrong with him I can’t keep up. He has to have B12 injections etc and he is still refusing care. I have now found peace with this and have accepted these are his choices and I need to respect them - but it’s hard! He is still missing Mum and has lost all joy and interest in life. He never asks me about Grace ( my youngest) and this upsets me as she is his pride and joy and absolutely doted on her when she was born and beyond. So hard to watch him detiorate. Would have been Mum’s bday on the 17th July so another day been and gone without her. It’s so hard isn’t it. Some days are worse than others but more recently I keep thinking Mum is alive but in a place I can’t reach her. Her voice is so clear it’s as if she is in the room with me. I’m finding exercise is helping me cope and I have taken to tap dancing! Mum and Dad were excellent dancers and I also love Dance. Just never tried tap - it’s harder than I thought and you have to engage brain but I know my Mum is watching me in my tap shoes laughing away. Anyway all, we have to do whatever it takes to find the joy in life. Xx
4 Likes
Hi,
Aww girls I have just read your posts and it seems we are all still struggling over the smallest things.
Jules I am so glad you have posted because I was worried about you. That’s all you can do at the mo is to accept the way your dad wants things to be and support him as much as it’s possible with your own family and everything else you do.
It’s not easy but remember we are all thinking of you.
Helen buying the house was a wonderful idea bec I too thought of buying mum’s. In reality though I would have used all my savings and at my age I didn’t want the hassle of letting it. I wouldn’t have spent much time there and would have been faced with all the bills that go with a second home. And it was too small for me to move into etc. Once i had come to the conclusion that it wad best not to that’s when i felt i was able to move forward a bit.
And it was the right decision. Sometimes it’s hard to let go even though my heart told me to buy it.
Now I feel much better that the house was sold.
Gill I took hear my mum’s voice in my head. I hear her when I am feeling very low telling me to do this or that. I wore her cardigan today and felt her arms around me. Some people would think I am talking daft but I honestly felt her hug me.
Haven’t had any signs for ages. The lights have stopped flickering and no white feathers.
Lindz how are you? I hope the anxiety has eased a little. We have all experienced it and still do. Never takes much for me to feel anxious about. The anxiety associated with grief is something I can’t really describe except to others who have experienced it. I have found I have lost a lot of confidence through it and am not the person I once was. I was never the sort of person who was over confident but nowadays the tiny things make me anxious and I know it’s all through grief.
I think it’s only time that will heal us.
So you are not going mad. If you are then we are all going mad with you.
Just focus on a day at a time. Do what’s best for you because you have to keep as strong as you can to get through whatever is thrown at you each day. We are here for you.
Kate what’s news with your holiday?
I am feeling better anyway girls.Still waiting for a scan but at least the lump has gone down a lot and I can swallow again.
Love to you all
Deb x
5 Likes
Hi Deb, thanks for your message.
Hope everyone is doing ok. I’ve been a little better at the moment… aside from having tests, but all seems ok.
Anxiety a little better I think. But it’s probably just a phase like the anxious one was. We’ve got mum’s birthday looming in September and I’m dreading it… not sure what dad wants to do yet. He’s booked the day off work for obvious reasons, but I don’t know if he will want to mark the day, or just be alone… but I don’t want to bring it up with him yet, will have to nearer the time.
I’ve talked to mum a lot, and I’m sure she’s helped look out for me with my test results. I keep telling her she’s my little guardian angel on my shoulder 
.
Take care everyone, I always think of you and how you’re getting on.
Love Lindz xx
1 Like
Hi Lindz,
I believe my mum is my guardian angel also and am also hoping she will fix it so that my scan results are ok.
The build up to first anniversaries is worse. Just decide what you want to do last minute. Better that way. Sometimes going for a reflective walk is all that is needed. Or sit in the car at one of her favourite places. Doesn’t need to be anything more special other than that because its the memories that are so special.
Sending love
Deborah x
4 Likes
Hi Deb,
I really think our mums don’t stop looking after us because they’re not physically here anymore… I believe they’ll carry on protecting us the best they can just like they used to, so I’m sure your mum will be doing everything she can to make your results okay.
Thinking of you, and everyone, and thanks to your lovely reply!
Love Lindz xx
3 Likes
Hi Girls
I’ve been reading your messages and hope you are all ok. We’re in Austria on holiday at the moment. I wrote a long message then somehow lost half of it so I’ll write again soon. WiFi isn’t great here…
Anyway I just wanted to check in and say I’m thinking of you all.
Speak soon as I’m pretty exhausted tonight,
Lots of love. K xxxx
4 Likes
Me too Kate, just been reading all the messages but too tired for much writing. Austria is beautiful. I went to Innsbruck a few years ago and Tom and I went hiking in the alps. It was fabulous. Have a great time.
I feel anxious and can get quite insecure. If say, I ask to meet my sisters but they are too busy, my mind starts telling me I’m losing everyone. In reality, they are just busy but it’s just my sense of vulnerability coming through. I feel I might just have to live with this and this is who I am now.
Anyone on Facebook will understand this. Memories come up with a picture that just knocks you for 6. 3 years ago me, my sisters and mum were on a cruise and all those pictures keep coming up. I was looking at myself and how happy I looked. I’ve forgotten how it feels to just have such carefree joy. Maybe I will again one day? I feel a bit better now but just aware of a permanent melancholy about me.
Sorry I’m a bit miserable right now. I’m feeling quite weary of grief. Keep smiling and finding some joy. Lots of love Hxxx
1 Like
Aww Kate have a lovely time x
Deb x
1 Like
Hello all,
Austria sounds amazing. Happy memories of holidaying there with Mum just before I went off to Uni many many years ago. Was just the two of us as Dad hated flying and my sister didn’t want to come. Mum would have only been 47 yrs at the time - younger than I am now! How the years march on. I know what you mean Helen with memories popping up on FB and reminding us of our more carefree days. Although I miss Mum beyond words I feel privileged we got to spend the years we had together. I’m crying now just thinking about it. X