Hiya Helen,
I started off with the estate agent doing the viewings then I did them all. I couldn’t bear people going in the house looking around with all mums things there. In the beginning the estate agent said to leave everything except of course what was in teh draws and cupboards because it looked so nice and would sell quicker. But I didn’t feel in control and I had always done everything for mum including everything in the house so it was a nightmare for me not doing teh viewings. I also wanted to suss people out and be happy I had found teh right person. Sounds daft maybe but I wanted to make sure the house went to a family. Anyway it’s gone now and its a load off my mine I am sure you will feel better once it is sold. Its a strange feeling though.
Well the weather has been terrible here. We hardly slept with worry on Fri night as we have a very large tall tree at the front and i was convinced it would come down Thankfully it didn’t though.
Have meant to ask you what happened to teh person in the choir who couldn’t sing lol. Did you have a word ?
Try having a Baileys coffee with your mince pies. Delicious !!!
Love Deb x
Aww LucyMC,
Its still very early days for you yet so honestly well done for getting to this point.
Dont worry about posting when you go through a downer. Sometimes just reading other posts and ours will help you and that is enough. Dont put too much pressure on yourself to even communicate if its too tough. We all understand on here. We appreciate people need space, time to take things in, time to cry and be alone and time to just read posts. I remember gaining so much strength from just reading the posts in our group. It made me realise I am not being silly, going mad, losing the plot, being unsociable and so on.
Don’t do more than you can at Xmas time.
I know what you mean about doing things with your mum in preparation for Xmas. Mum and I did lots of lovely things at Xmas time. Buying presents was just one thing. We used to go to a fancy hotel for Afternoon Tea and it was always based on a Xmas theme. We loved our Afternoon Teas. We would go to the Pantomime. Christmas Eve Church service. She loved feeling all Xmassy with tinsel coming out of her bags lol. We would clean all the veg on Christmas Eve so everything was ready and she would be up at teh crack of dawn wearing her Xmas pinny and headdress. she used to make Xmas so special for us and we always had great fun even as adults. I have tried to get into the spirit of Xmas this year but just can’t. This is my 2nd Xmas without mum. Well 3rd really as she was very ill 3 yrs ago and didn’t even know it was Xmas Day. We cancelled Xmas that year and asked everyone not to send cards or gifts but instead to say a prayer for mum.
A strange thing happened here today. I found two of mums santas and placed them in the lounge. As I sat on the settee tonight their eyes were staring at me . Honestly I think I am really losing it. Wherever I moved in the room I felt their eyes staring at me. Has anyone else experienced anything like this?
You reminded me about my wreath Mum passed on Dec 30th so I bought a silver bauble wreath and put lights on it and put it outside her house last year. I shall put it outside our patio door this year where mums pots are.
Aww its wonderful you can meet up with us in Manchester. Just fantastic. It will be so lovely to meet you and Gill and anyone else who can join us. Please feel girls that you are all very welcome to join us if you can.
The next few weeks will be tough for us all. Please don’t suffer in any way on your own. Reach out when you feel able to.
Love Deborah xx
Hi Milliemobs,
It’s so upsetting about the house. Do you live in your mums house now?
Is there anyone you can go to for advice? Maybe get a valuation done on it and go from there. I got a valuation on mums house. The estate agent did it. Then you will know what you are up against. It’s so hard though when other people are involved.
Yes same with my mums decorations. She always put the same things generally in the same place It was really comforting actually.
Do as little as possible this year with the Xmas decorations. Make it as easy as you can for yourself . It’s just one day remember and then the fuss will all be over. I havent put a tree up yet or decorations except 2 santas from mums house and i honestly think that is enough for me.
Keep posting as we are all here for you ok
Love Deborah x
Hi Everyone, am sorry not to have posted for a while, I wasn’t getting update emails and didn’t realise there was so much chat with everyone, really helpful conversation tbh for me. I have started grief therapy over the phone, had 2 sessions already, one really helpful, the next (last week), I couldn’t stop crying, the poor girl must have thought I was a lost cause. I had just been to visit Dad, see Mum’s grave and put a wee cat ornament down for her. Nothing makes me feel better though. I miss her terribly. Milliemobs, could you and your family could all buy your mum’s house together and then maybe you could live there? Or, maybe you could rent it from them, or even rent it out with an agency, so you still have the house in the future? I do believe if something is meant to happen it will. My family ended up back living in my grandparents’ house, despite my uncle selling it, so Mum and Dad bought it back on the open market in the 1990s, so it’s been in our family since my Grandpa built it in the 70s. I find it hard to know what to do the day my dad no longer can be in their house, it is over 100 miles away from me, and in my heart am not sure I can live in the town full time. My heart breaks to think it will be my last tie with mum gone. It was her place, she made it her own, so much work and love. I can feel her presence there more than anywhere. Somehow, at her graveside, it feels too public and cold a place. But in their home, I feel her there. My dad found a small gardening knife that Mum used to weed in between flagstones, he couldn’t understand how it made it’s way from the shed to the path. We wondered if it was mum doing the bits he had missed, like, “you’ve missed this bit, I’ll do it myself”. She was always tidying the garden, maybe now even in spirit. Gill xxx
Here is a photo of the wee cat keeping mum company xx
Hi Lucy, lovely to hear from you.
It’s so early on for you love, all what you are experiencing is normal.
11 weeks is nothing in terms of grief. That first Christmas 2 years ago was just a blur to be honest. I had no inclination at all. I forced myself to put the tree up and some decorations for my then 10 year old’s sake and escaped to our friends’ in the mountains. At least it was a totally different place.
I’m hoping that one day Christmas will be joyful again as mum would want with all her heart for us. It will get a little easier each year but that hole will always be there because our mums made our Christmas didn’t they?
Now I feel the responsibility to carry on some traditions and make some new ones too as hard as it seems.
Don’t put too much pressure on yourself this year. If escaping to somewhere different feels right then do so. Tbh it’s the hardest time of the year for us grievers with so much pressure to be happy and joyful, but it’s only a couple of days to get through. We are all here for each other.
Sending love.
K xxx
Hi Helen
Your Christmas plans sound lovely and trying to incorporate old traditions and new ones is what it’s all about.
I invented a new tradition this year. A memory advent calendar for Alex. In each window is a little question/memory about mum and her favourite things incorporating precious memories of Christmas and throughout the year. Alex has to answer the questions and there will be a surprise at the end of advent. It’s a way of remembering his granny and letting her be part of the lead up to Christmas. We’ve had some smiles remembering.
I bet you are looking forward to having James home soon and getting to spoil him!
Lots of love,
K xxx
Aw Milliiemobs, again it’s your first Christmas so don’t put pressure on yourself. Don’t worry about the decorations if it feels too much. I know with kids we feel the pressure to make things perfect for them at Christmas, but it’s bloody hard when we feel like cancelling everything.
I can imagine how you feel about your mum’s house. Mum and dad bought their house in 1976 so so many years of memories.
Now it’s sold I do feel nostalgic, but as Deb said it’s also a weight off my mind as having it empty was such a worry with me being so far away.
Hope you can find a solution.
Sending love,
K xxxx
Hi Deb, hope you are ok and I feel the same about all the traditions. Mum too loved the run up to Christmas and making it perfect for us.
She too used to spend all of Christmas Eve preparing food in the kitchen.
We’d always have a little drink in the evening once she could finally unwind (once all the pressies were under the tree) . Happy times. Precious memories.
Love K xxxx
That’s lovely Gill, how cute is the little cat? I think the knife in the garden really sounds like a sign from yr mum.
Hope you are managing to get through this difficult time.
Love K xxx
Hiya Gill,
Aww the cat looks so lovely and peaceful on the memorial. Well done for getting through it. I still have mums ashes and I can’t bring myself to part with them even though I know I shouldn’t.
Also well done on having grief therapy. Take all the help you can get. Looking back I should have had therapy too but have always found it difficult to open up to people. Except on here though. I would have been in floods also so don’t worry about that.
I can’t get over the garden knife. How do you explain that?
How are you feeling now?
Sending love
Deb x
Hi Kate,
Oh I love the idea of teh memory advent calendar for Alex. What a wonderful thing to do. Its so different for you and everyone who have young children. You have to be so braver and put an act on to make it magical for them and for Alex to have all wonderful memories like we all did. Keep going my lovely because you are a super mum and I know Alex will have the most amazing Christmas. Try to escape to teh mountains if you get a chance.
Yes selling our mums houses was awful and we went through it the same time. It was the most traumatic experience of my life after losing mum of course. But and I hope I don’t sound heartless because I don’t mean to but it was a weight off my shoulders as I live almost 45 miles away and 90 miles a round trip to check on it was tiring . I knew clearing it would be hard and it lingered with me as I kept putting it off and even tried to put buyers off so I could keep it a little longer. I remember delaying sending paperwork back and taking ages to reply and sign documents so I could keep it a few more weeks and it was right up to the day before completion that I almost pulled out. BUT I am so glad it sold and those are words I never ever thought I would say in a lifetime. I know mum was pushing me big time. She hated the house being empty and would worry so much if we ever went away so having her house empty for over 15months would have really really annoyed her. I think the worst part was going through it all when we were in the thick of the raw grief and dragging ourselves to continue with something that was so painful.
So girls if anyone has to sell yes it will be painful and you think theres no light at the end of the tunnel but there is. Kate and I got through it so if we can help with any queries or advice just ask x
Anyway I have the perfect excuse this year for no tree. Paul has cracked a rib and Glyn is banned from teh attic. I am too scared he will put his foot in the wrong place and come through the ceiling. The flat he is buying is hopefully going through completion before Dec 20th so we will be in Cardiff sorting lots out with him.
So I am just putting up some lights and mums Santas. I feel that’s all I can manage this year .
Thank you girls for all your lovely words of support in your replies. How lucky we are to have such a lovely supportive group when we are in the most saddest time of our lives. I think the absolute world of all of you x
Love Deb x
Kate, that is so lovely to make a memory advent calendar. I was so pleased to read that you can laugh at some of the memories. It’s still hard to believe they aren’t here isn’t it? How is Alex? He only had his grandma for 10 years but hopefully he will have the memories for the rest of his life and always feel the love she had for him. She adored her little grandson didn’t she? There’s something even lovelier the fact that she was an older grandma. It’s like the two ends of life. They seem to have such a connection. I’ve seen it when nursery children go to old peoples homes. They are on the same level somehow.
I’m sure you will make Christmas special for you all. Lots of love Hxxx
Aww Deb, we think the world of you too. I find it so reassuring when you say you are glad the house has sold now. I remember you going up there a lot in those early days and finding such comfort being there. I used to think ‘how on earth will cope when the house is gone?’ But look how well you’ve done.
Maybe you’ll spend Christmas in Cardiff with Glynn? That will be nice as you are still together but it will be different. Maybe a change of environment on the day will help? See how you feel. It’s whatever feels right.
Sending you my love Hxxx
Hi Gill, I love the little cat ornament. It looks like it’s carved into the granite. I’m going through the emotional turmoil of my parents house being soon the market. I couldn’t afford to buy out my siblings but once the decision was made for me, I felt okay. Now it’s actually on the market I am feeling a bit wobbly. It has to go. We’ll get through this love. Sending you a BIG HUG! 
Hxxx
Hi Helen,
The worst part of selling the house is the reality that it’s actually on the market so that’s where you are at now. Yes I did find comfort at mums and used to close my eyes and just imagine her there again.
It was strange not hearing the stair chair making a noise and the TV was always on. I remember when she reluctantly gave in and agreed to have the stair chair. She complained continually that it didn’t go fast enough. I timed it and it took about half a minute but she insisted that I phone and ask them if it could go faster lol. I think the man thought I was nuts!
But she loved it in the end.
Hopefully yes we will be up in Cardiff a lot if the flat goes through but not for Xmas Day. We have Paul’s mother in a Home in Milford Haven and he is the only one that can visit her on Christmas Day so I shall cook here.
Actually tonight I found sone of mum’s Xmas decorations like her Nativity scene and candles and table centres so tomorrow I am going to put them around the house. It’s been so stressful going through the flat purchase and it’s taken 7 months already that I have felt so fed up. But tonight I seem to have perked up and feel I need to pull myself out of this horrible grief rut and try to make an effort. It’s so hard going isn’t it?
Keep going everyone x
Deb x
Hi Deb, thank you, I thought the cat was going to be bigger, but it’s kind of my mum’s style you know, she would prefer just a wee minding. I honestly don’t think you have to part with your mum’s ashes, I’m not sure I could either. My uncle has my auntie with him, along with her glasses and some other things of hers on the mantlepiece. I would be the same, then you can take them with you wherever you go. My friend lost her mum who was a keen walker and she took her with her round one of her favourite hills on Arran.
The grief therapy has been helpful in that the counsellor is saying, everything you feel is normal, like to worry about them once they’ve passed and struggle with the feeling of just missing them like a space or void you can’t and don’t want to fill. I said to her, well, I also have this lovely group of ladies on a forum and we talk through it all the time.
Every day feels a bit more like I want to go home and be nearer mum and with dad, so I will go there soon and spend Christmas there with him. I have so many regrets about mum’s last few years, wish so much I had been there at home with her more, and could still hear her voice on the phone saying, “hello, it’s your ma”. I never saved a voicemail as I always answered, just have text messages which break my heart to read, but am glad they are there for when I feel stronger to read them. Thinking of you all, Gill xxxx
I don’t know where to post this but want to say i’ve found this forum invaluable. We might not have met but feel you’re all friends.
Aww Milliemobs,
You are so right. Invaluable is the word for sure.
When times get really tough and we have been at our lowest it helps to have people to reach out to that understand from first hand experience. I am sure our mum’s have helped guide us all to each other.
In the beginning I always struggled with night time. It was the most loneliest time ever. The feeling of utter despair knowing no one was awake in our house to talk to or they were exhausted from their own grief. It was a time when my thoughts would drive me mad and the tears were constant. I think I turned to this group more than ever throughout the night. Waking in the morning gave me a focus to check messages and I could feel my mood lifting somehow when someone replied. It made me feel valued, that other people cared about me, had good advice,was able to honestly share how I felt and most importantly no one judged me when I was at my lowest. And there were hundreds of lowest times.
We were all posting like list souls clutching out for the tiniest bit of help and support. Looking back it was truly devastating but somehow we carried on and managed to get through the very very dark times. The great love we all shared with our mum’s bonded us together like something I can’t explain and powerful friendships were formed.
Kate,Helen and I met in Manchester in the summer if 2023 and we instantly bonded It’s so lovely to see how our little group has grown since then. It’s going to be wonderful to meet up again in the New Year and meet more people on here. I know I can’t wait to meet you all. It’s giving me something to really look forward to.
Milliemobs I know it’s difficult for you this time to meet us but there will be another meet up arranged and I can always pop up to Cardiff to meet you when you feel up to it. My son will be in his flat soon so I shall be in Cardiff a lot. Completion date is next Wed so yippee it’s finally happening.
I know it’s Christmas soon girls and it’s hard going and like me you probably feel emotionally up the creek, upset,annoyed our mum’s are not with us, envious of other families with their mum’s etc But keep going because it will soon be over. I hate wishing my life away but that’s how I feel. I am going to think of a Christmas tradition to start that mum and I didn’t do so I start something different. Am finding it very hard to think of anything though. Any ideas? I just want one thing.
Just want to say how proud I am of you all. It’s been so hard for you all and you all have had different experiences to deal with and different lifestyles but you have all done so well to get this far.
Sending love to everyone x
Deb x
Hi Everyone
Deb you are so right. This group has been my lifesaver in my grief journey. I value you girls and your friendship more than some of my so called friends who, when it comes to my grief, have been … well just absent.
Just checking on each other and being there at all hours meant and means so much. I so wish I lived nearer because I’m sure we’d be meeting up on a regular basis.
I’m looking forward to our next meeting and will book my flight soon then we can try and stay in the same hotel. Let’s wait and see if Helen has any recommendations via her friends etc.
I’m not looking forward to Christmas like all of us. I’ve booked to go to a hotel in the mountains from 22nd until 27th. Just the 4 of us. It will be different, but I don’t want to be here.
Mum’s absence is so obvious at this time of the year, it’s painful thinking about all the traditions so I try to divert my thoughts.
You are right Deb we should try a new tradition. It’s a good idea and our mums would be proud that we are carrying on in this way. Maybe a new recipe or go to a special place for an afternoon tea or a pub to have a meal and a tipple to remember your mum in a place she liked to go to? Or decorate the garden or your mum’s plants with fairy lights? Mum adored the Christmas lights. I’ve been taking Skye on her walks and seeing all the lights in the neighbourhood. We often used to drive out and about just so mum could see the lights.
I’ve done the memory advent calendar this year and I hope to carry on each year. I’ve also put a few of mum’s Christmas decorations around the house and on the tree.
We’ll get there girls with the support of each other.
Hugs to you all lovely girls.
K xxxx
Ps I’m sending a photo of little Skye as she was clipped on Wednesday and looks so cute.
