Hi Deb
So sorry to read this. It’s just so tragic when we hear of young people passing.
Thinking of you all. K xxx
Hi Girls,
We are all struggling with the lead up to Christmas aren’t we? It’s such a difficult time of the year. I agree Helen, it would be great if we could turn into our mums and make Christmas lovely again.
I’m glad that I don’t have to face the shops and the tv adverts there tbh as it would be massively triggering for me. Mum used to get so excited in the festive lead up and although she always complained it was too much work, she loved all the preparation.
Personally, I’m at a loss as what to do. I don’t want to spend it here in our house as it feels just weird. Christmas to me is still with mum in Gloucester as was the norm for 50 years….
There every Christmas morning around the tree just made me feel like a little girl again. 
We’ve spent the last 2 Christmases with our friends at their house in the mountains, but this year we have little Skye and as they aren’t really dog people I feel it wouldn’t work.
We have decided to put the time off ( 2 weeks) to good use and go skiing for a few days mainly over Christmas. Alex and Valerio can ski and I’ll do walks with Skye. Hopefully we can make memories of a different kind, which is what we all have to do. Make new memories alongside the precious older ones. Our mums and dads are urging us to do that… I am convinced of this.
Alex is now 12 and doesn’t believe in Father Christmas this year…
… I guess I was pushing my luck last year even!!!
I feel for you Helen and Jules with the house clearing. It takes me back to last year. So many charity shop pick ups and runs… so much sorting. It’s great you have your sisters H to share this mammoth task with.
I agree about the house not feeling the same empty it’s just a shell. The memories will be locked away in your hearts. 
Hope the awful weather has subsided for you all.
Stay safe everyone.
Lots of love K xxxx
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Hi Kate, yes I think we need to reinvent Christmas in some ways. We need to incorporate the traditions that we love and still have our mums as part of it but we need to do different and new things. The skiing sounds wonderful. Why not have a loose itinerary for the day where you do your usual things but maybe adapt them or add a few extra bits. I never went to church before but now it’s a big part of it. Even my son James who has no belief at all has asked to come to midnight mass as he loved it last year. I think that might be our new tradition and maybe have a little tot of brandy and a mince pie when we get home before bed. I’m not saying you should do that but just how you can make new traditions. Maybe in future you can gave Christmas there and spend new year in the Cotswolds. If you stay at a nice hotel there’s usually a nice party to see in the new year. Lots of hotels are dog friendly now. Someone had a dog on the flight to the US so I think that’s becoming more of a thing In fact now I’ve mentioned it I think I’ll book a hotel in the Cotswolds for new year. Probably too late this year but definitely consider for next year.
We’ll find our way won’t we girls. Lots of love Hxxx
Hi Girls,
Thanks for your messages.
Glyn’s friend Josh had cancer a few years ago and had a transplant and all was fine after it so he got married last year. Beautiful wedding on a Pembrokeshire beach. Then as a result of the transplant he got a different type of rare cancer. £75k was raised in the past month for him to have treatment privately. In the meantime a London hosp announced they would treat him free so he went to London but after the first dose it was just too late.
I have never known anyone to have such misfortune. His mum was sent to prison for being charged with arson and josh was born in prison. He was placed in a foster home and thankfully it was a wonderful family. His mother was released after serving many years as she was proved not guilty and mis charged. A year or two after being released she died. Josh was in school with Glyn and non of us knew this story until the press dug it up and it was all over the papers whilst the fundraising took place. We thought his foster family were his real parents so it’s made the whole situation even sadder.
I tend to think he’s back with his mum now.
It was 2 yrs today I was at the hosp when the doctors told me mum was dying. I can remember everything about that day. What I was wearing,where I sat, who came into the room,the conversations I heard , the staff on duty just everything. For some reason I can’t remember feeling like this last year. Maybe it was still all a fog but this year it all seems so clear.
We are all feeling emotionally up the creek at the moment
Paul’s mum has gone into a home. Initially it was for respite but she’s staying there as needs 24 hrs care. For the past two weeks Paul has been clearing her flat so it’s brought everything back for me when I did mums house. Lots of triggers all of the time.
Another week and I think it will all be done but I can see a massive change in Paul . Emotionally drained from looking through everything and giving things away. I keep telling him at least he still has her.
Just feel run down at the moment and can’t even think about Christmas. Going to really try to buck up though as otherwise I will make everyone miserable.
Hope you are all ok today.
Deb x
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Hi Helen,
Yes maybe next year I’ll feel stronger. This year the thought of the beautiful Cotswolds is just too painful. So many memories of Christmas themed places we visited there with mum over the last 5 or 6 Christmases. Beautiful but painful memories.
As you say, hopefully we’ll all eventually enjoy Christmas again. It’s still early grief for us all remember and we shouldn’t put any pressure on ourselves.
Night and love to all. K xxx
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Aww Deb that’s a tragic story about Josh.
As you say, he’s back with his mum now but 28 is so very young.
These weeks leading up to Christmas are even more difficult for you, Helen and Jules.
I really feel for you as the calendar based memories start overtaking our thoughts.
Thinking of you all.
K xxxx
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Oh Deb, what a sad story. The poor lad. I too keep thinking about this time 2 years ago. Couldn’t have seen it coming that I would lose them both within a year. Life was just normal 2 years ago. I’m missing everything about them. I’m doing a concert with the choir I’m in. Mum was my biggest cheerleader and even at the age I am she came to everything I did. Mum and dad were just always there. Always. It’s going to be hard but I’m going to try and see Christmas through Tom and James and try and enjoy it with them.
Sorry that Paul is going through this. It’s similar to my mother in law. She too has gone into a home and they are sorting out her flat while we sort out mum and dads. Awful time we’re all going through.
You’re right Kate about not putting pressure on ourselves. I do try and push myself but if it gets too much I slow down and let my emotions lead.
Hope everyone else is okay. Lots of love Hxxx
Aww thanks girls.
Paul and I are going to Swansea tom just for 2 nights to get away from our house for a while. His mother’s flat has more or less been emptied and they have either sold things ,given things to people or things have ended up in the charity shop.We kept a few things but I honestly didn’t have room for anything as I had almost everything from mum’s house. We are still waiting for Glyn’s flat to go through so I have lots of furniture piled up in my dining room for him. I banned Paul from bringing anything back here. So we just kept small items like a cake stand and a couple of vases. I love old glass so didn’t mind having a few extra items. It’s been 6 months and Glyn’s flat still hasn’t gone through.i didn’t realise how complicated the while process is when buying a leasehold flat and him being self employed. Oh my goodness it’s been a learning curve for sure.
I am hoping to avoid shops when we go away. Don’t laugh but I want to go to see the film Paddington Bear. Just love that little bear. Takes me back to when I first started teaching in 1981 and mum bought me a large Paddington Bear as a teaching aid when I read stories to my class. I think it must have been around the time Paddington Bear was just starting to be popular and it’s like there’s been a full circle and he’s back again. I just loved the film of him with the Queen. It was brilliant.
Kate I understand that it will be hard for you to come back to the UK for Christmas.
Don’t do anything that’s going to upset you. Protect yourself now is the name of the game.
Helen you will have James back with you so it’s going to be special. Enjoy every moment with him
Gill are you spending Christmas with your dad this year?
Just remember girls it’s just one day after all. It can cause so much anxiety especially when we are still grieving. I am going to try to be an actress again and go through the motions and also try to do something like going out somewhere on Christmas day.
To the beach will probably be where we will head just to be close to nature even if it’s just for an hour.
I have to think of new traditions to start. Not sure what yet but need to think of some.
Had anyone got any ideas?
I used to go to the pantomime with mum on Xmas eve, then a meal then church. I can’t face doing the pantomime or the meal but will go to church.
I know this sounds awful but I can’t face going to see my mother in law in the home which will be full of elderly people. It will be a massive trigger for me even though my mum at almost 90 was really young at heart. She never saw herself as being old and neither did I. But I know if I visit a home I will get upset.
How’s everyone else doing?
Deb x
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Hi everyone. It made me smile Deb, you seeing Paddington. I love those films. I love Paddington 2 when he’s in prison! When mum and dad were here we used to have regular film nights with them and my sisters. We’d take turns at each others houses. We watched Matilda one night. The youngest amongst us was 50! 
We used to watch some good films together. Mum was the loudest cruncher of popcorn. I don’t know how she did it! We’d avoid sitting next to her as it was so annoying! The last one to arrive would get the seat next to mum. We’d giggle about it. How I’d love to have the opportunity to sit next to mum now. She could crunch her popcorn as loud as she liked and it wouldn’t bother me at all now.
I love a snowball on Christmas Eve but I’m going to change that to mum’s favourite tipple of Cointreau and lemonade. We always have a nice full English breakfast on Christmas Day morning but I’m going to use as much of mum and dad’s plates, cups and teapot etc as possible. I’ve also inherited some of my grandmas things that mum had kept so they will be coming out too. I have my nana’s tablecloth that I remember as a kid. She always set the table properly and when we drank tea it was always a proper cup and saucer. She didn’t own a mug! So many memories in these items
I hope the flat goes through soon for Glyn. Enjoying having him home for that bit longer though as connected gone, that’s it!
Hope everyone else is okay. Keep going. Lots of love Hxxx
That was meant to say ‘once they’re gone, that’s it’ predictive text 
Hi all, just checking in on everyone. Hope you’re all okay. I’m surprisingly okay with the build up to Christmas. I thought I’d be a lot more emotional and weepy. I’m kind of indifferent to it. I’m neither excited nor dreading it. Not what I expected as I thought I would be really low but I’m not.
Mum and dad’s house went on the market yesterday. We got an offer from that lady who was interested but it was £15k less than valuation so we’ve put it on the open market. I cried when I saw it advertised. It’s a weird feeling isn’t it? Kind of relief and sadness. No joy in it at all. I’m not even bothered about the money. In fact I feel guilty having any of mum and dads money. I don’t know why. It just feels like I’m taking from them? I can’t explain
I must be improving as there’s a ‘grief cafe’ at my local library once a month and I don’t feel the need to go. The early days I’d have been there but not now. Maybe I’ll go one day to support others? We’ll see.
Anyway, Christmas is fast approaching. Hope you are all managing to find some joy and even start some new traditions.
Sending you all lots of love Hxxx
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Hi Helen and Everyone
Aww I can imagine how difficult it’s been to see the house go on the market Helen. So many memories. You’ve been working so very hard with your sisters getting it ready. As you said though now it’s just a shell. That’s how I thought about mum’s house too.
It does feel strange “taking” all their worldly goods and when the completion date came and the transfer went into my bank I just cried.
I know mum would have been thrilled for me that it was finally sold and off our hands but it’s just so emotional.
I’m still feeling no Christmas joy, although I’ve put a small tree up ( high up on a support due to Skye lol) and a few decorations. Mum would absolutely want that.
We’re looking to go to the mountains again this year for Christmas. I still feel I need to escape.
I read a wonderful article about secondary loss (Christmas and all those traditions with our loved ones is one of those). I’ll try to share it because it really resonated with me.
Sending love to everyone at this difficult time.
K xxx
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https://whatsyourgrief.com/after-a-death-the-holidays-are-a-secondary-loss/
Here’s the link hope it can be read.xx
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Hi Girls,
Apologies as it seems ages since I last posted.
Helen I understand everything you have written about the house sale. I hated every part of it.i kept mum’s house for over a year before selling it simply so I had somewhere to go myself. However reality kicked in and it was not what mum would have wanted so reluctantly sold it. One of the worst things was going through her things. Her private things that I felt I shouldn’t be snooping through like bank records, deeds of the house, her mefical letters and the list gows on. I remember I couldn’t bare to remove her furniture so did the cupboards and draws and wardrobes first so ever in the outside looked the same and to an extent I could cope with it somehow. Then I emptied upstairs just keeping a bed in one room for me to stay in. That way downstairs looked the same so I could still imagine mum there. But then completion date loomed and I had to remove the downstairs furniture and once that was done It became a cold shell of a house and not a home. For the first time it brought memories back if when I moved there at 9 yes old racing around the empty rooms choosing bedrooms etc. The echos of the empty rooms triggered lots of memories.
I can honestly say I didn’t want to sell it but once I had it was a huge relief. There’s a lot of worry and stress that comes with holding into an empty house even when you love it with all your heart. And costs financially too. And my mum would have been screaming at me from Heaven to sell it.
Yes I agree also that benefitting from mum’s money made me feel very very guilty as mum never had a lot of money throughout her life so I appreciated how precious her money was to her. I wish she had spent more on herself but she always wanted to leave us something despite me constantly saying we would be ok. The money feels very special to me now and it’s as though I can’t bring myself to spend it. It’s a strange feeling.
So I know how you are feeling
Kate I have just read the link you sent. Foot on with every word. Finally I have read something that resonates either how I feel. Every word is so true.
I haven’t been able to get into the Xmas spirit at all despite trying hard. He Avent put a tree up or any decorations and not sure if I will. I know I should make the effort but I just can’t do It.
I have a few lights to put around the place and two Santas of mum’s so I think that will be it.
I still have all of mum’s furniture all stored in my dining room ready for Glyns flat. Well things like beds , table and chairs ,TV and stand and boxes of kitchen things so there’s no room to swing a cat lol. That’s my excuse anyway.
As for holidays it was interesting to read the article. I hadn’t been able to go on holiday for ten yrs bec I couldn’t leave mum and got the past two years since she passed I feel too guilty to go. Well guilt and just not wanting to go without her as she came on every holiday with us. Again it’s a difficult thing to overcome.
I know to many people it would sound stupid and I know I have to change but I am not at that point yet. Isn’t it weird, strange,difficult going through all the emotional journey of grief and how it’s so different for us all and how complicated it is to understand what it’s doing to us.
I hope one day I will get back to some form of my former self.
Hope everyone else is doing ok.
Keep posting anytime x
Love Deborah x
Hi Deb, oh I can’t imagine selling my childhood home like you and Kate have had to do. I have a lot of memories in mum and dad’s house but they downsized there about 20 years ago so it wasn’t the house I grew up in. That must be twice as hard. I am inspired by you both and how you’ve dealt with this. We gave a viewing on Wednesday but the estate agent is doing it. I’m not sure I could show some stranger around my parent’s house.
The weather is dreadful here. We took Mary for a walk earlier and it was so cold and wet and with the strong winds. We’re now cosy with the fire lit eating mince pies listening to the Man city game on the radio. I have a concert tomorrow with the choir and need to sort my music in order but I can’t be bothered. Just no enthusiasm at all.
Lots of love to all Hxxx
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Hello everyone, I’m sorry I’ve been quiet. The last three weeks have somehow got harder and harder. I’m crying more than ever and I feel worried about my partner and little dog all the time. I keep worrying the same thing will happen to them and me as happened to my mum and dad. Feel so stressed and worried and sad. And I’m so tired. The sadness is overwhelming right now, it’s much worse. And I think the time of year doesn’t help. My mum and I would’ve been so excited and happy and preparing for Christmas. Instead I’m just feeling like I’ll never really be happy again. And I suppose, in that way, I won’t.
I’ve been reading everything here, just so low Ive not been able to post. Haven’t been replying to friends on message and I just feel the grief is changing and ageing me. My joy has gone.
Deb, thank you so much for your words. That quite is wonderful and true. But it makes me cry! We just miss them so much, don’t we? I’m the same as you. I don’t want it to be like this. But the reality is that this is it now. And our mums made us strong enough to survive it, honour them and live our lives. You’re right about the distractions too. I’m forcing myself to work so hard. But it’s when I’m not that I crash. Gosh. Those beach shots are gorgeous. How lovely to have that close. How are you doing now? I’m so sorry about Glyn’s friend. Sending you all strength and love. Sounds like such a hard couple of weeks for you with everything.
Helen, how are you too? My mum also loved a pinnie. Things like that make us feel even closer to them, don’t they? I really like the the idea of joining for the meet up date you suggested if that’s ok? I know Manchester and feel so at home there!
Kate, thank you. My mums was so shocking too. I’m constantly between disbelief and such deep sadness which is also renewed grief for my dad as well. Both of them being gone is so awful and unfair. But you’re spot on about hearing them in our heads, what they’d have said and told us to do - all that live for us. I think that’s what I notice in each of our stories or exchanges, not just how much we loved them but how much they loved us. One of the nurses in hospital told me I was such a good and wonderful daughter. I said “it’s because I have a wonderful mum”. My mum squeezed my hand so tight when I said that. How are you doing?
And Jules, how are you a couple more weeks on? Thinking of you at such a horrible and hard time.
Gill, I relate to this - reading back, remembering and wishing it could be the same. That time before feels like a wonderful story now. Something I can read and wish for but can’t be part of or experience. It’s so hard.
Formamajoan, I’m so sorry you’ve been brought here but there’s so much support and kindness. We are all feeling it, at different stages but the grief and loss is tremendous. Just take your time and don’t fight it.
What is everyone doing for Christmas? I out the wreath on the front door and felt so terrible and cried and cried. Don’t know about a tree or decorations yet. Everything makes me think of me and my mum doing it together, having a glass or two of fizz, Michael buble on, laughing and bickering and being so happy looking forward to Christmas together with me off work for a couple of weeks. We lived together but looked forward to every moment we spent with each other. I know that’s lucky but it’s also so painful to be without that. I also know we all feel the same. I’m trying so hard for Adam and little Harvey but I feel so empty and alone somehow. I want to stop feeling like that and even be able to enjoy tiny moments but it’s so hard. I can’t believe I’ve been without her for eleven weeks now.
I think it’s just going to be so hard for us all, isn’t it?
Is everyone safe in this weather?
Thinking of you all and, even in my silence, it was so good knowing you’re all there. I’m so glad I found this forum.
Sending love to everyone xx
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Hi LucyMC, please don’t apologise for not posting. We all go through periods where we just don’t have the emotional strength to do anything. Post as little or as often as you need to.
Everything you said is so relatable. When you said your mum squeezed your hand actually made me cry. It took me right back to when my mum was just days before taking her last breath and she was so very weak but the love I felt from her was incredible. I sat next to her, holding her hand through the day and night and when I said things she’d squeeze my hand. I’m in tears now writing this. We are so very blessed to have known such love but it’s okay to feel ‘ripped off’. My mum was so full of life and looked after herself and then just 8 days after lung cancer diagnosis she was gone! It will be 2 years in January and it’s still difficult but I am crawling my way out of the wreckage. You will too. Nothing will be the same but you do start to adjust. We will spend the rest of our lives grieving them but can’t spend the rest of our lives in grief, if that makes sense. It’s very early days for you. You are still trying to process this new reality and it takes time. Go with it and don’t have any expectations on how you should grieve and how long.
I can relate to your anxiety about something happening to your partner and dog. My poor husband can’t enjoy a pint without me saying ‘that’s increasing your chance of cancer!’ Or something along those lines. I also subconsciously think about my own mortality a lot more than I ever did. I try not to, but I work out the probability of how long I’ve got left (I’m 53!) it’s just the new me and you do accept these changes in yourself, in time.
Sending lots of love your way, Helen xx
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Kate111 and helen51 i’m facing selling my mother’s house as i don’t think i can afford to buy my father’s widow and my sister out. Mum moved into it in 1972 so it’s the only home I’ve known. It’s really upsetting. The only place we can think to scatter mum’s ashes is the back garden - but not sure as we might have to sell. As for xmas I’ve decorating mum’s house since late 80s. Most of the decs i brought back from sweden everything goes in same place every year - find it hard i can’t do it this year.
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Hi Milliebobs, I’m sorry you are going through this. I wanted to buy out my siblings and purchase mum and dad’s house but it was valued higher than I thought so will have to sell. At first I was upset and tried every which way I could to make it work but in the end, I have to let it go. I actually feel it’s the right decision now even though it will be heartbreaking when the ‘sold’ stamp goes down! I realise now, it isn’t the house I was clinging onto, it’s the memories and the warm, safe feeling I associate with it. Once all the furniture and personal items went it lost its soul. It has just gone on the market and I did cry when I saw it on rightmove but I’m inspired by my mum. Her mum, my granny lived in a council house so it had to be cleared and emptied in 2 weeks after she passed. My mum did this she was okay.
You will find a way and make the right decision for you.
Sending you love Hxxx
Thankyou for this Kate, while I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, it’s comforting knowing I’m not alone going through this. Everything in this link is how I feel. I’ll be thinking of you all on Christmas Day. I do feel like battening down the hatches and shutting out Christmas but I’m trying to embrace it and accept it will never be the same. With James coming home, I will make an effort to be cheerful. I’m hoping to start new traditions with my parents in mind. Also, my grandparents as I’ve now inherited a few things from my Nana. Her tablecloth and plates I remember from childhood will now be used on my table for Christmas dinner. Dad’s daft light up snowman he always put in his window will now be in my hall, mum’s Christmas pinnie will be my Christmas pinnie and I’ll wear mum’s Christmas jumper. Lots of things of theirs and I will also say a few words at my Christmas table and raise a glass. I’ll light candles for them and say prayers at midnight mass. I know in my heart of hearts that Christmas will never be as good without them and I’m not going to force anything but I am determined I won’t be miserable on Christmas Day. I’m going to keep busy.
Lots of love Hxxx
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