It’s good that when you’re at your Dad’s house you’re doing the things he did. It certainly is a rollercoaster of emotions but the waves of awful grief I find the worst. They engulf you without warning and are so intense. I’m guessing that you were perhaps a little closer to your Dad than you were to your Mum but forgive me if I’m wrong. I like that you’re clearing a room out so you can decorate it. Your Dad must have been very skilled in his craft because you are so very proud of him and proud also to emulate him. I’m happy for you that you’re remembering snippets about your Dad which make you smile - so you see the relationship with your Dad is continuing but in a different way. Good luck with the decorating and what colour scheme do you have in mind? Keep talking to your sister as she’s suffering too and she’ll need your support, even though you reckon there’s a bit of underlying jealousy there. And helping your sister, helps you too. I will be here on 2 March which is your Dad’s funeral day and I will be thinking of you. Bye for now. x
Hi SorrowTooDeep
Out of the two of my parents i would have said that i was closest to my mom,we were inseperable,then she passed away,i went through a stage in my life before she passed away that brought the 3 of us closer,especially myself and my dad,so together with what happened to me,then my mom passing,then me becoming my dads carer brought us closer still.
I was due to decorate my dads bedroom when he passed away,we’d already got the materials to do it and was waiting until after christmas for me to start,then he unexpectantly passed away,so the colours that i would have decorated his room with-i am doing at my house instead,sunshine yellow walls(not too bright-but warm and cheery) with white woodwork to give it a clean,fresh feeling,i am using all my dads tools to do it with too,i even have his overalls and apron from his college days when he did a 7 year apprenticeship in painting and decorating. He taught me so much about it,and also plants and flowers and home grown veg.
I’d like to beable to speak with my sis more,especially about grief,but sometimes we are like chalk and cheese,complete opposites.
She has 4 children(3 are grown up) and 2 grandchildren…whereas i dont have any children,my parents were my immediate family.
I am finding that i make plans for what i need to do the following day atm,but then when i wake up i dont want to do any of it,and i’m finding myself talking out loud around the house way more than when my dad was still here. It still feels like a really bad nightmare,one that i’m yearning for the end,where my parents are still here. They were my rocks,they never let me down. I kind of feel like an orphan,i know theres my sister,but i still feel isolated.x
CR73
You sound just like me.I make plans or set myself a few targets to do for the next day then it never happens because I can’t drag myself out of this awful grief.I may get one small thing done but I guess that’s a start. Thinking of you
Deborah x
Hi to you all - well it 5am and I’ve just come back to bed after being in with my 17 year old daughter trying to console her and help her make some sense of her Grandads passing and her overwhelming grief. She is struggling so much and can’t get out of her head that she will lose me one day and how will she cope. Her lifelong pets (dog & a cat) are bith elderly and she’s scared of losing them aswell, its all becoming too much for her to deal with. Lord knows it’s hard enough for me to understand let alone a 17 year old. I just held her and hugged her tightly, told her about you guys and this forum, said she would probably benefit from some bereavement counselling, or opening up on here.
I hope you all have a strong day today and you are able to cope with whatever comes your way.
I really must try to sleep now, every day is a long day.
With love
Teresa x
As I read your words I could feel the pain of your dear daughter and yourself. I’m so sorry your girl is struggling to make sense of things right now. I guess all you can do is cuddle her and try your best to help her. At 17 it’s hard to comprehend what it means to lose someone - why it happens and how to cope. Poor girl is now breaking her heart because she knows she’ll lose you one day and to compound it all her beloved dog and cat are also elderly. And you have your own grief for your lovely Dad and you’ll be breaking your heart to see your Mum’s grief for her partner. You are overwhelmed, grieving and shattered but you are trying your best to comfort your family and their love for you will comfort you. I live alone with my dog and when I lost my Mum at 99 (I’m 74) in December 2022 I was suicidal, I was so alone. I have no partner or children. I’m picking up now, I have to in memory of my Mum. She wouldn’t want me to feel suicidal. I hope you managed to get some sleep but you won’t have had a proper rest as you’ve only gone to bed at 5am. Please try to take a rest today. I’m so very saddened to read about your family’s grief right now. Nothing I can say will help I know, but you are not alone. We’re all battling our grief as best we can on this site and collectively, we are strong and hopeful. Sending lots of love to you, your daughter, Mum and all of your family. Thinking of you. x
Thank you for explaining your current situation and how it came about. I understand better now. I think it’s lovely that you’re decorating a room in your house using the materials you would have used if you’d decorated your Dad’s bedroom. The colours sound beautiful, I love the sunshine shades. You’ll feel close to your Dad when you’re decorating, especially as you have all of his tools and even his overalls. Reading your words, I can see the love, respect and admiration you feel for your Dad shining through. I understand how you feel about your sister. She has her own, separate life to lead and her own family, whereas you had only your Dad. Like you, I have no partner or children. My Mum was my everything. And like you, I have one sibling with his own large family. I feel like an offshoot! I know how you feel when you say you make plans for the following day but when you wake up, you can’t manage any of it. Just take one day at a time, whatever you can do will be an achievement and as each day passes you’ll be able to do a tiny bit more. I was struck by you saying you feel like an orphan, because at 74 that’s exactly how I feel having now lost both my parents. I was lucky to have Mum live to 99 but she suffered greatly. I think she was clinging onto life for my sake. Now she is gone I feel so alone. Keep battling on, I’m sending my “spare” strength to you and thinking of you. x
Hi TeresaPJS
Grief is such a macive thing,it triggers so many other emotions,anger,depression,upset,frustration,deep sadness…not to mention many more,and you dont know day-day which ones will affect you,just hope that you make it through that day.
I have felt suicidal loosing my dad,although i tell myself he went through some very,very hard times during his life,and still had faith in god,plus i remember him saying to me when he lost both of his parents(my grandparents)…‘it’ll never happen again’,which in a strange kind of way is comforting.
This site is a godsend,even when theres nothing anyone can say in response,it helps to try to get it out how we’re feeling.
Thinking of you.
Oh SorrowTooDeep
You are in my thoughts everyday…please,please know you’re not alone,you are kind and caring,i am grateful to you for the support you have given me,and i feel a connection with you as we are in similar situations.
I do not have any children,although i am lucky enough to have a partner,she is grieving the loss of my dad also,yet supporting me as best she can,i am so thankful for her.
SorrowTooDeep - there is purpose,your mum brought you into the world wanting you to be happy,as did mine,grief is a very natural process,and there is a light at the end of it,just one ray of light is enough to cast away many shadows.x
Hi deborah
Maybe its just best to do the things that we absolutely have to atm-for me its dealing with funeral directors,estate agents and minister,i feel thats enough.x
Thank you so very much for your wonderful, thoughtful, caring reply. Even through your recent grief you offer such kindness. I am so thankful i found this website, as both you and CR73 have said, it is an outlet for our feelings and deep thoughts knowing that others understand.
I try and do something positive daily which does help. Sometimes that might just be managing to take my dogs out. I do speak to my mum daily and see her almost every day. I am lucky to not live far away. Mum has always been the atrong one, my Dad, like me, was very emotional. He only had to say either of my childrens name and he would become choked up, bless his heart. I miss him so very much.
My darling Nan, who I was very close to also passed away at 99 years old, she was incredible. When people say “wow she had a long life,” or that awful expression “they had a good innings” it makes me so angry. Yes, they lived a long life, yes, they achieved so much, my nan almost single handedly raised 6 daughters on her own as my Gramps was in the Navy during the 2nd world war and then had to work all hours, my nan wrote a book about her life at the age of 79 and we got it published, plus she took her and her 6 daughters on a plane (first time in her life at the age of 80, after she lost my grandad) on holiday to Malta. But getting back to those “expressions” i feel that the longer someone special is in your life the more you miss them. It doesn’t matter that they lived a long life, we still miss them dreadfully. I didnt have a single day that my dad wasnt in my life, I called him every morning i was out with my dogs. I miss that, i was certainly a Daddys Girl for sure.
My mum is amazing and she is the rock of our family, but she is frail now and i can see her going downhill right in front of my eyes, but I’m there, every day for her and will cherish this time. My mum has 3 of her 5 sisters still here and she now goes out once a week with them. She never wanted to before as she was my Dads full time carer.
Im sorry for the very long, rambling reply but it is good to get things off my chest. I am grateful to you all.
Thank you, what wise words your Dad gave when he lost his own parents. Yes, it will never happen again, that has definitely resonated with me. Obviously for me I still have my mum, whom I will cherish until it is her time to be with my darling Dad, but those words will be passed on to my daughter, so thank you.
You are absolutely right, just do what you HAVE to do and no more. There is so much to organise and plan, I made so many lists, but crossed off each one just one at a time, then moved on. It was the only way i could cope.
Sending strength & sunshine to fill your day
Teresa
Hi CR73
Totally agree. Had mums funeral on Feb 6th so next bit is arranging for her ashes to be placed in family grave and probate for me . Thankfully everything to do with probate has to be done online as the nearest office closed in 2020 so that has helped me in not having an appointment and seeing someone in person.
Thinking about you
Deborah x
Hi Teresa,
I really feel for you and understand. I have a 27 yrs son who was so close to my mum that his grief is unbearable. He was with her constantly at the end for approx 4 weeks so had time to tell her everything he wanted but it has still hit him hard. He has now gone back to work and so I hope he will be a little better amongst people and working. He is away working at the mo so I worry about him. You are doing everything you can for your daughter Just being there for her at all hours of the night until she probably drops off to sleep is the most wonderful thing you can do.
I hope she joins us all on here.
Thinking of you
Deborah x
Bless you Deborah, thank you for your kind words. I hope she does too, and yes, my son who is 28 was my Dads shadow. His Grampy was his one constant male role model and they adored eachother. My son is 11 years older than my daughter and their Grampy was much more able when Jake was young and I know that my daughter feels like she missed out on a whole period in time when my dear dad was able to be Father Christmas, was still able to drive, take the grandchildren on holiday, go fishing, get down on all fours and pretend to be a horse. My Dad was so involved in Jakes school life, he was even on the PTA and was heavily relied upon for his skills. My daughter, unfortunately, can only really recall times when my dear Dad was unwell and not able to do those things anymore. I know this upsets her and i also feel guilty that there is such a huge gap between my two. Unfortunately I was in an abusive relationship with my sons father ( I left when jake was 2 years old), hence my Dad being his role model. Gosh life isnt very easy at times is it!
Thank you for listening to me rant, all of you.
Teresa xx
Aww Teresa I really do understand.Even when the çhildren grow up they still need so much help with grieving like we do.
You did so well to leave that relationship and I can tell how grateful you were to your dad for helping you.My son spent so much time with my mum that he always said he had two homes He lived with her for three yrs also bec it was near to his work at the time so their bond was so close you could almost touch it .Its so lovely when you realise that many grandchildren never experience the closeness they did. My mum taught my son so much about everything and hopefully it will set him up for the rest of his life.
Has your daughter joined this group yet?
I have had a difficult day today with crying and that has made my chest infection worse.I feel really ill at the mo.
Thinking of you all
Deborah x
