Life seems really hard and cruel at times, grief steals everything and leaves nothing, I am struggling with losing our dreams of retirement and time together and the weekends do seem to be the most difficult, I also lost my mum in January and often think over the years how my support structure has been whittled away bit by bit, I have just looked into a local group for widows but don’t know if I’ll be brave enough to go, all good ideas but then I creep back into our house to feel safe, its a lonely time for all of us xx
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I wonder if I will ever find peace. I hate the fact that all our plans for the future have disappeared. I keep thinking back to conversation between Martin and myself. All the things we were going to do as we were slowly coming out of the restrictions of covid.
I still wish I had died instead of my hubby. He was so popular and enjoyed life…… I was / am a home bird and a bit of a plodder.
I keep thinking about our last weeks / months together. All the things I would change, not moan about, not take for granted.
We met in our forties, I have a step son, no children of my own. Some times I don’t feel like I belong to the family anymore now that Martin has gone. I didn’t particularly get on that great with my step son. All he seems interested in now is the house I live in . His dad would be very disappointed in his behaviour. I could be quite vocal with him but I have to remind myself how much Martin loved his son.
It’s all just so draining
Hugs to you all
Xx
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So sorry for your pain, my husband also died in our bed, we went to bed as normal, he was not ill or anything I woke up at 3 to him making a strange noise by 4 he was gone.
I could not get back in my bed again for 4 weeks, like you I could go into our bedroom but I slept on the couch until after the funeral. I’m back in our bed now, I have one of his t shirts on his pillow and a bear he won me at a fun fair when we were kids. I find sleeping in our bed oddly heartbreaking and comforting, you will get there in your own time, it’s been 6 weeks now without him, we were together for 31 years and I miss him every minute of every day 
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I have kept the bed the same as my husband died without warning and he wasn’t in the house. To me, it is more comforting for it to be the same but you must do what feels right as it is a different situation,
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My one saving grace is that we had separate bedrooms , so there is a pain I can eliminate from my list of miseries. I did, however, clear out his room and locked the door. Too painful to go in there now. My one year anniversary is coming soon so I’m in a very bad way now. I have had a dream of him every night for the last couple weeks. I know it’s anxiety so I’m dealing with it as best I can. It’s the loneliness that hits me the hardest. I miss his presence. There’s so much I want to tell him since he’s been gone. Maybe that’s why I’m seeing him in my dreams lately too. Thanks for letting me vent here. It’s so therapeutic. I’ve stopped crying long enough to type this!
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grief has stolen my family, my childhood sweetheart, soulmate and best friend together with my retirement plan; I grew up in hardship and naturally I have a lot of bitterness; my wife and the lovely daughter she gave me helped me make peace with my life; I was contend and we are helping others as much as we could during the pandemic. I once thought life was good and all the sufferings I had have a purpose so I may have compassion to others. Me and my wife wanted to contribute what we have out of a grateful heart in the rest of our lives. Suddenly she left me 6 months ago. Everything is shattered. My life once again plunged into a dark hole. Everyday is long and empty. It’s so hard to go on alone while every one seems to enjoying life with their spouses.
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Dear Barb
My husband’s anniversary was early September and a year past Tuesday was his funeral. Leading up to the first anniversary was a pressure pot with constant dreaming of my husband. Since then the insomnia has returned. I am exhausted and nap on the settee most of the day. I have stayed close to home during this period as the tears flow without warning.
On the day of his anniversary when I eventually dragged myself out of bed I watched the clock at every key moment of that day. I sat alone as our children tried to deal with the day in their own way. I still have no sense of my husband being here/watching over me.
I will be thinking of you over the coming weeks. Sorry that you find yourself on this same painful journey.
x
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Thanks. It’s a very trying time. I bought my memorial candle and plan on turning off the phone. Can’t believe it will be a year . I still think he will walk in the door any second.
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Oh my goodness, I can relate to so many when reading all of the messages x I am so sorry for everyone’s pain on losing their partner x My darling husband died 6th April and I can’t believe, it’s almost 6 months without the love of my life x I , like the rest of us , I try so hard to be strong and get through each day with a broken heart x It’s our 46th Wedding Anniversary and my darling John’s 66th Birthday at the end of the month (he didn’t even get to retire …despite having a countdown on his phone fir 2 years) Life is so unfair and so precious x I like ,lots of people on the messages, have no idea how to do domestic stuff and only hope things don’t break in my home 
Every day is so hard without my darling by my side and I truly do understand and feel for you all x Take care Mary
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Well following my husbands sudden passing 20 weeks ago, his pension people finally sorted out his death in service benefits. I know it would go to his twins, that goes without saying and myself, but his parents decided that they would like to be included in the receiving of money.
Please forgive me if I sound harsh, yes they are probably entitled to it, but they’re not exactly short so I thought that they would have wanted their share to go to their grandkids.
Am I thinking wrongly and being nasty or? Sorry if I sound like I’m being horrible, I’m really not but the kids (27) have just lost their dad so I would have rather the money went to them for their future.
Does anyone have any thoughts on this, please feel free to tell me if I’m thinking about this wrongly 
I’m sorry to hear that you now have another situation to deal with, as if your loss wasn’t enough!!
I’m afraid money brings out the worst in people. You are not wrong in your way of thinking.
I have experienced similar problems with my step son and what I can’t stand is the devious, under handed way of supposedly showing concern when the reality is seeing the pound signs.
It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth and to be honest it doesn’t help the relationship going forward. The only thing that keeps me sane is the knowledge that I am following my husbands last wishes, stated in a will, to the letter.
I begin to wonder if I’m only the only one concerned about Martins wishes.
I was wondering, regarding the death in service payment, can your husbands parents demand any of the money. I was under the impression it has to be left to the named recipients
My husband named me as beneficiary, knowing that I would always make sure our kids would be ok. I don’t see any reason why parents of an adult in these circumstances would want it. I would certainly not ask for money from my grown up children’s funds in years to come if I were in that situation and they had children.
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They were one of the named recipients, and I know my husband nominated them. But when we were talking about it after he died, they said they didn’t want any money off him and that they would rather it go to his kids (my stepkids) which is fair enough. I wouldn’t want them not to get anything as I want them to be provided for and think they should have enough money to do whatever they want, whether they want to save it, have holidays or just enjoy it etc.
Now, all I seem to hear from them is that they don’t have anything, no one does anything for them, which I do everything, I’m just so angry with it all at the minute. I know they have lost their son, but I can’t understand why they want the money. I have had to fight to find out what was happening with the money. I asked them if they had got their letter regarding it all, told no, they asked me this morning did I get mine, am I happy with what I got and questioning me about what I received!! Think they wanted me to tell them how much I got!! To be fair I would rather I didn’t have it and he was still here with me.
I just think it is really strange that even after the pensions place sent them forms regarding it, why they just didn’t turn it down - but they have always been money orientated.
I knew I was named as a beneficiary and his kids, but he completed the form a while again and I couldn’t remember exactly what he had put down. But his parents were all “we don’t want anything from him, we would rather the kids have it”, but now are being secretive about what they have received etc.
I know they have lost their son, but no amount of money will make up for that - but I have lost my soulmate too, my husband, the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but I think they forget that.
All I seem to hear, sorry if this sounds harsh, but is how bad they are and it seems all about them and no one else. I know they probably are all encompassed with their grief but I feel like they don’t ever think about me. They have each other, i’m at home on my own each day other than work, spend my weekends on my own - sorry I sound like a right b***h lol.
It reminds of the very early days of losing Martin, his son asked how much the house was worth, what money was in the business account. I could tell he had been through some invoices of payments due to the business. He asked to see the will and in all honesty I gave him the answers, one, because I had nothing to hide and two, as it was only 3 days in to losing my husband, his dad, I think I was in such shock I probable wasn’t even thinking straight.
There is still some mortgage on the house, I wasn’t on the mortgage, but the will states everything is left to me and upon my death, what ever is left of the estate goes to his son and a small amount to his nephew. His son what’s to take in the mortgage, over a long period of time, but for me to make the the payments.
Two things, it’s just his way of getting the house in his bane and why would I want to be paying rent for the next 30 years when the will allows me to sell and downsize, be mortgage free and have money in the bank to live on.
He then went down the route of saying the house is full of memories for him and one day he’s sure himself and his soon to be wife would like to live here!!
I’m 57 years old, my parents are both in their nineties so if he’s prepared to wait that long, he can have the house if I’m still living here ……. That’s if I don’t die of a broken heart first. Fuming doesn’t even cover it.
His dad would be so disappointed in his behaviour but then I feel guilty and have to remind myself how much Martin loved his son 
xx
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Dee, sorry i’m wingeing about my inlaws and you’re worse off than me - your stepson sounds like a bit of a nightmare (sorry to sound harsh). Yes his dad has passed away but like you say it has been left to you and then will be left to him eventually. People and families are just the worst at times, they are the closest to you but who hurt you the most.
Always here if you just want to chat or rant etc xx
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Thanks Kath
I’m ok for money as got my part, but I just thought his parents wouldn’t take anything and that it would go to the kids, but in reality should have known they wouldn’t do that.
Don’t get me wrong I can talk to them and get on with them (usually) but think they are so underhand at times and they ask maybe how I am and the rest of the time is how bad they are, and constantly focused on themselves.
I feel like I have been left to sort everything out for him, there was no checking I was ok for money etc or did I need anything doing etc, just left to get on with it all. I can see myself in the future falling out with them possibly as they are so so opinionated about everything and everyone and the polar opposite to my late parents. I’m only in my late forties so hopefully have a while to be around yet but to be fair at the minute would rather do it on my own!
Well if there’s one thing we all know it’s that money can’t buy you happiness and we would give up ever penny to have our soulmates back. I think it is such as shame when money causes these issues. Questions about are you happy with what you’ve received can’t be answered. No, I’m not happy because I only have it because he’s not here!!
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Shame on them.
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Thanks everyone, think i’m just having a really bad time at the minute - i don’t think i’ve stopped crying for 2 days. I think i’ve been trying to sort of block things out recently to try and protect myself and now it feels like its all coming flooding in and won’t stop.
There’s one thing, i feel much much anxious now. Like if anyone walks up beside me and I don’t see them and turn round I jump out of my skin, its the same if the door bell rings or someone knocks on the door, i literally jump out of my skin and i’ve never ever been like that before.
Also I sort of have this relfex sort of thing, if I think of something about him, or see something or hear something that reminds me of my hubby, I do this little sigh sort of thing, you know like when if you’ve been crying a lot and when you stop you still sort of sigh afterwards, like that. Someone I spoke to said its my way of acknowledging what’s happening, instead of crying…
I just want all of this hurt to stop but I don’t ever want to forget about him…
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