I think we all believe, that although we don’t want the pain anymore, if we don’t have the pain then we are forgetting or moving on from our beloved soul mates.
I have no answers …. I need answers …… I need my husband
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Dear Sja2804 and Dee64
Its just over a year for me and like yourselves I just want the impossible and one of my greatest fears is that as everyone moves on with their lives my husband will be forgotten. One of his brothers visited the other week and not once mentioned my husband even when I tried to talk about him.
Sja2804 I used to think of myself as a confident and secure person but the reality is my husband was my comfort blanket, the person who gave me the assurances I needed every day. I too am anxious about practically everything. Also now having to be the only one making the decisions causes so much stress, especially around work needed in the house.
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Sheila
Yeah, I feel like that - I feel I was quite shy when I met him and he brought me out of my shell and gave me confidence. That’s possibly why I feel so anxious with him not being here, I’d never thought of it like that before, thank you xx
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Dear, dear lady. Again…as it’s been said hundreds of times ….You’re not alone. In what you are feeling and experiencing. I’m jittery and overwhelmed sometimes. I want my Lenny back too. It’s a constant chant through the tears. I want my Lenny back. I want my life as it was just a short time ago it seems. But everything changed and now it’s just me waiting to die. But we’re not dying anytime soon so let’s just pull up our big girl pants and get through the day as best we can. Big hug, Barbara.
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Well following on from my post last week, my in laws got their share of the money and they’ve been happily spending it as fast as they can or at least my mother in law has. I thought it might have sat in the bank for a while, mine is in my savings and not getting touched unless I need to. I suppose money does funny things to people!!
Today would have been my dads birthday, I lost him 7 years ago to mixed dementia and still miss him greatly, and have been reminiscing today and thinking about him a lot subsequently and always my hubby is on my mind.
My in-laws text this evening to ask how I was, told me one of the twins went up with her mum (the Ex wife, who stayed for a while!! - my hubby couldn’t stand her but think that’s why she’s pushing her way in now) I proceeded to tell my father in law that it was my dads birthday and I was a bit upset and upset about my hubby and wasn’t having a good day. Without even acknowledging what I had said, he continued To tell me that his doctor rang him the other day, said he’ll never get over his loss without medication and counselling (fair enough) and that he may only partly get over it. Now I know his parents are grieving but they must think I don’t count as I was only around for 21 of his 51 years!!!
Angry is an understatement!! I’m so so peed off and feel so wrong for feeling like this. His parents have had an unsurmountable loss as we all have but it’s like no one else matters. They have each other - I have no one………Sorry all I seem to go on about is them.
I don’t want to fall out with them but it seems like it’s going that way.
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Sorry that it’s never ending for you. I was wondering have they always been like this? Always making it about them? Or has this become a new thing since your loss?
I think when you are the 2nd wife, just like I am, it certainly puts a different slant on things. I was with Martin for 15 years and together I helped him bring up his son through his teenage years, helped keep the roof over our heads.
To be fair his mum and brother have been absolutely brilliant …… however his son seems to have his greedy head on!!
Xx
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Hi Dee
They’ve always made it about them but they’ve never been this bad., well I dunno. with regards to his “ex wife” they were together about 6 years but only married for a few weeks as she cheated on him and he left.
His parents supposedly hated her for this, but now this has happened they want everyone around them and are supposedly matey with her now, I made a comment tonight about her going up and that my hubby hated her, think I hit a never as his dad text back something snd I sort of papered over the cracks to keep him quiet. They’re 2 faced and say one thing about her and then are as nice as pie to her face.
I know grief does mad things to you but I thought they would be there for me, I think they think I’m doing ok as I went back to work but I had to do that for my own sanity as I couldn’t sit at home anymore as it was just making me worse, at least I have some sort of escape from all this madness and hurt hopefully when I’m at work as most of the time it’s too busy to even think!!
I’m just really sick of it all - I don’t want to cut them out as it will upset his kids - but even when we met the Chaplain and wer going through the funeral they sort of took over snd I didn’t get a word in edgeways and the chaplain rang me the next day to check if I was ok and if there was anything I wanted to add as, in her words “his mam and dad were very vocal and you didn’t get a chance to say much”! Sorry ranting again, I apologise x
There was also another good comment they came out with, out of the many - they said that if either of them passed away now (they’re in their late 70”s) that it wouldn’t be as bad as it would be “expected”, and that they had had their time! - I wanted to stand and shout at them that until they have been through it they will never know and the pain of losing your husband or wife/partner is like nothing else. But they know best - as usual !! x
It’s such a shame you are made to feel like this. Some people can be so absorbed in their own self worth that they have no idea how much they can inflict on others. You are such an amazing person because no matter how outrageous your in-laws behave you still try to make excuses for their behaviour, as they are grieving, because that’s the kind of lovely person you are. Your husband would be very proud of you and the dignity you have shown.
Sadly, sometimes the dynamics of family life shifts but I think, like myself, you will come to a point where you will distance yourself from their behaviour and start looking after you!! I found the only way I could do that was to step back, be there if family call / phone. Basically be the better person. Knowing I had my husbands best interests at heart and knowing how he would have felt about any conflicts and how I had handled them gave me a sense of accomplishment and pride and that’s what gets me by.
UnFortunately you can’t change people but belief me once you are able to step back a bit you will feel so much better in yourself.
Remember, they have the problem not you.
Your strength you are showing is one of the many reasons I’m sure why your hubby was with you, loved you!!
Xx
Hi Dee
Thank you for your lovely words, it means a lot, sometimes I’m just at my wits end with it all but just try not to retaliate as he wouldn’t want me to. Don’t know about me being amazing i think I’m just trying to get on with things really. Xx
Hi Charlie3 I totally hear and 100% understand you I too recently lost my husband in July are being married for 12years and knowing him 12years prior to our marriage I too thought I would be OK however after the funeral I am now experiencing what I call rollacoster moments which is really painful.
I was trying very hard to find a bereavement councillor my Gp referred me to several councillors who were not bereavement councillors which added more to my anxiety and frustration eventually I have had to go private after doing some research on line and speaking to someone who put me in touch with their councillor who specialises in bereavement councilling you might want to give this a try and the price is not high per session.
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I thought cruse offered free counselling and all their counsellors have suffered bereavement of a spouse so they understand more x
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I totally agree but I preferred face to face counselling which is just as good.
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hi, i also lost my husband 8 weeks ago, he was only diagnosed 7 weeks before and we knew they could not cure but gave him 1-2 years with treatment but he had just had his radiotherapy session and had a massive bleed. i am heartbroken and it seems to be getting worse not better.
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Suek
Sorry for your loss and that you find yourself on this horrible journey.
I hope you gain a lot of support from this group, as I have. Unfortunately, we have all had to suffer a loss to be here but because of that very nature please be assured we all understand and we get it!! Lean on us and we will do our best to help you through this journey
Sending a hug
Dee xx
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I feel the same I don’t know if I have more time now to work out how it all happened so quickly, without warning, a rollercoaster of decisions, results and I could see that my husband was dying deteriorating quickly over eight weeks, the trauma of watching him take his last breaths and all ending in his death, I still find it unbelievable how it could happen like that and to find myself all of a sudden on my own, I have had moments of panic when I’m not sure if I’ve got it right, sobbing hysterically thinking I’m going mad and then to read others stories that I am not alone in my experience , so sad for all of us but it helps that we’re in this together xx
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Hi Suek
I am sorry for you loss my soul mate passed two months ago
He was given 2-3months however in passed within two weeks which sucks the day when he passed I literally felt my heart break into pieces.
Thank goodness you are apart of this safe forum where you can be yourself and we can all talk to each other about our feeing and support each other.
You are not alone❣
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thank you for reply, how old was he ? my husband was 61, we had been married 41 yearsx
My husband was 63 we were married for 12years but we knew each other 12years prior to our marriage so in total I say 24years
aw bless you, like us you were robbed of retirement together. we had so many plans x
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