I’m organizing a trip away with my wife’s brother and there’s a couple of minor decisions to make and I simply can’t make them. Thinking about it I’ve really had problems making decisions since my wife died, some days I just do what I want, might as well what real difference will it make, nothing can be as bad as what I’ve just been through! Other days I obsess over the tiniest detail, all the what ifs. I guess I’m still used to talking things through with my wife and forming a consensus. I know it’ll change as things develop but I really didn’t realize how much it was a part of me, the life of joint decisions. There’s always a bit of my mind asking how will it affect my wife, subtly in the background, habit I guess, and because my wife is no longer there my poor brain gets confused and spins of into anxiety. On reflection it’s definitely getting better, at first I was immobilized by an unspeakable fear of making the wrong choices, stupid things like going to the shop became complex operations. But now here I am organizing a trip to Scotland and that indecision is now just affecting the smallest things. It does move forward doesn’t it!
@Walan I understand the difficulty in making decisions. Everything I do I ask myself would my husband agree, approve etc. I live in constant fear of things breaking down and not knowing what to do. My husband could fix most things and would always know what to do. I have no clue about cars, boilers, how to use tools etc. Hope you enjoy Scotland, it’s beautiful, but I’m bias.
Hi Janet, yeah it’s all a bit of a bugger, I’m okay with fixing things but organizing anything social!? That was definitely my wife’s department, but I’m getting there, learning new skills. Aye, I’m a bit biased with Scotland as well, Glasgow originally. My wife and I met there, and we loved to go up north walking and camping, she asked for her ashes to be scattered in various places so me and her brother are off to do a couple of them, there’s a lot! This time it’s Garvie Bay up near Achiltibuie (or ‘I killed your booty’ as my wife used to say) and then Glen Afric or Knoydart, still to be decided based on weather. It’ll be bitter sweet for sure, but something I really feel ready to do.
I get what you’re saying. My husband died in March and we always made joint decisions. I booked a week of work in July because I really needed to get away. I coouldn’t find a way of booking anything, it all seemed so pointless. Then the Airbnb we’d had in 2021 became available and I took it as a sign. Familiar holiday, familiar place. It was only 5 days but it went far better than I ever imagined it would! But booking it, the airbnb, flights, taxis, insurance without anyone to share the load , was incredibly difficult.
In everyday life I’ve made a couple of dodgy decisions because I didn’t have anyone to bounce ideas off. I’m hoping I get better at this as time passes.
Good on you going on a trip to Scotland! I hope it goes at least as well as my holiday did.
yep the pointlessness, the admin that reminds you you’re widowed, choices to make with no input, the fear of what the choice may bring. But as with you, sometimes just going with it and making the decision reaps benefits, yes pain is present but there’s the connection that comes from knowing deep inside your other half would be cheering you on! We start to live with them, well that’s how it seems to me. I had to get away at one point too but went for somewhere we’d never been together and that for me really helped, I felt sad that she wasn’t there with me to experience the place and I often told her how much she’d like it but it was also a relief to be away from all of our life together and have space to process. I’m a bit concerned how I’ll handle going to places that were really special and some life defining for us, but it has to be done. Just to hear her cheer!
I used to have no problems making decisions but over the past years left things to my husband. He just checked that I was ok with his decision. Now I second guess myself. I changed the fuel tariff and now check the app every day just to check. I think I have made the right decision. Buying things online. I even had problems paying 2 cheques in through the app. And I worked in IT for 35 years. Feeling exhausted today. Forcing myself to do things. Done the washing and emptied the dishwasher but feel permanently on the edge of tears. Sorted out a whole load of old paperwork today. Still got a filing cabinet of stuff to go through. Just get through the afternoon and my neighbour is popping over this evening to drop off a key. Hoping she will stay for a drink but she has her daughter’s dog staying who is a bit of a nightmare.
It’s always the right decision until you learn its the wrong one, then you can fix it, its rarely a disaster, or that’s what I’ve come to realize. I empathize pudding, its so exhausting, often I just let the tears come and carry on, I mean I stand and do the dishes crying, it’s very much just part of my life for now.
I just wish I could have a day where I felt well. Since he went into hospital my stomach has not been right. Does grief live in the stomach? I have hardly slept more than 3 hours a night. It’s 8 weeks. Surely this has to get a bit better soon. Not a lot. Just a bit.
Having a truly awful day after a bad night. I have to make a couple of decisions over the weekend but do not feel up to it. I will never get used to Richard not being here to talk things over.
At least I changed the filter in the vacuum ok. I just put it back after washing/drying it and for once, something went right.
What a life we all have now as well as desperately missing our wonderful partners.
Sending hugs
Well done with filter. Without our partners I think we second guess every decision. At some point my body must give up and just sleep. Hugs Sandra xxxxx
You are correct, I know I second guess most of the time. Even everyday things I mull over, it took me ages to decide what to wear this morning and I’m not going out!
I keep wondering when, or if, the person I used to be, will ever return.
Hugs back x
I just grab the next thing in the cupboard to put on.
@Pudding I agree with what you said. I increasingly left things like the utilities and house insurance to my husband, although I’ve always been a really independant person. It’s just that he had more time to do it, really. Then he died and I discovered all these online things only ever took one name. It wasn’t Mr & Mrs any more. It was just Mr. Such a pain to disentangle.
I know. We had subscriptions to a few lotteries. All in his name. All our charitable donations were also in his name. You cant change them. You have to cancel them and set them back up. Until my finances are settled and probate done they have all been cancelled except cancer research and our local food bank. I did transfer all the money from his savings account before telling them he had died. Saved a problem and kept the money available.
I lost my dear husband 28 weeks ago and this week, now having Probate, have been able to finalise his estate. It has broken my heart to see everything in my name and no joint accounts. It has taken my grieving right back and today I feel absolutely dreadful and have hardly stopped crying. The pain and misery just continues.
I get terrible anxiety about sorting things out. It makes me feel sick. I have to disassociate myself to calm down. I feel so exhausted. I am 78 now. Just trying to do little things. Tears come over any little thing. I think it is better but it isn’t. I just feel pointless at the moment. I pulled a few weeds out and half heartedly planted stuff and snails eat it as I haven’t got caring today.
I am 71 and feel tired all the time. I crave the oblivion that sleep gives but don’t seem to be able to. I think I am aware he isn’t in the bed beside me. And here we go. Blubbing again. All of us around here are getting concerned about 2 of our neighbours. They are both looking frail and have been married 63 years. I am almost jealous of another couple I know. They died within 8 days of each other. Must be hell for their family.
I am 79 years old and feel years older. I am glad I am as old as I am tbh. I have finished almost all of the necessary paperwork but there’s everyday things to cope with and no lovely husband to share it with. I honestly hate my life now, it’s just a misery. I see my brother and friends but all I want is my wonderful man.
Sunday is horrible. At least last year although I knew he was going downhill fast he was there. I just feel so empty