How do I know if I am depressed or not. I get up, go to work, keep the house clean. Do the garden. Keep myself clean. Keep attending bereavement groups. And AA. All the things that are expected of me. But I don’t seem to cry. I look at his photo and just cannot believe I won’t see him again. I listen to what people tell me and they say I am doing well for 8 weeks. I don’t care about my own safety though. I feel if I was walking across the road and a car came hurting toward me I would just carry on walking. I wouldn’t take evasive action. What will be will be. It is what it is.
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I love this forum for this very moment. I have no fear since my partner died I thought it was just me but thankfully it’s not like every other emotion, someone is feeling it too.
I feared dying, really was scared if it but now, I have no fear, I no longer care. That’s not about me being depressed or suicidal, or putting myself deliberately at risk, as I’m not but when my time is up, I’m ready for it.
One day, I may have something more to live for and may feel differently but right now I don’t.
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Thank you for your reply. I don’t care. I have even decided not to attend Cervical or breast screening. I don’t care who likes me or who doesn’t. Where as before I was a people pleaser.
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Dear Rammie, I am not a doctor but it sounds like you are in very deep shock which numbs you so much that you actually cannot cry and start grieving. I suppose you have the feeling that you are watching yourself from the outside and that you are actually not yourself anymore. Did you speak to a doctor about it? Did you speak about your situation in your bereavement group? Sending you lots of love and hugs.
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Not really. I just sit and listen to what they have to say. And accept their wisdom as having been through it before and they know what they are doing. I haven’t been to the doctor, no. Only been back at work 3 weeks. Cannot really have any time off. I do as much as I can each day so I am not letting him down with the house, or letting myself go. Not his fault he lost his life and I am left here for however long it may end up being. I am doing this so he will be proud of me.
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Hi i felt the same way when my wife of 51 years suddenly passed after a very short illness i left the hospital whent home an waited for her to walk in from garden and say wanta a cuppa i could not accept that this was the end i tok keep the house and gardens immature as she alway wanted i still have her place setting at the dining table in case i wake up and its all a night.
I hit rock bottom and had to get help as i felt i could not live with out her
now 7 months on the grief is there i have come to accept that i must carry on with my life as she would be so disappointed if I’d given up
I did get help it wasnt easy but for a short in groups i am a person and i i will not give in
Lots hugs take care xx
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Hi please please dont put your health at risk i appreciate that you are depressed but that is not the solution my daughter has had serious cancer problems it was she that said mum would be so angry if she heard you saying that you’re giving up
Believe me look after yourself and please get some help from you doctor’s
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Hi, why do you say he will be proud of you. He’s not here anymore. You should do what ever you can for yourself. People away from this forum, and some on it ,talk of you being depressed. It’s not depression, it’s not liking how things are now. Not like living without your love in your life. I’m an atheist, but I still kiss my partner’s ashes many times a day and talk how I’m feeling. Telling her I hope to be with her soon. Not actually with her but in the same situation. Although I have left it in my will to have our ashes mixed together. Wouldn’t I love to be proved wrong about being an atheist but somehow I don’t think I will. Take care 
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@Rammie and @Ali29 same here. Before Bri passed i was a bit of a worrier about my health (i had cancer yrs ago) but now, i dont fear death, if it happens, it happens. I havent been for my smear which was due in december…whats the point.
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No he isn’t here anymore but I want to make him proud of me. I could give up well easy.
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Ooh me to. Was supposed to go earlier this year but not done it.
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I like many other we’re deeply in love with our wives , husband ,partner it isnt wrong to believe that looking after the house, garden etc is a person choise perhaps of pride that even though they may not be here with us
Depression is an illness not just brought on my grief. Many people who disregard this condition as just a social thing when maybe things aren’t going to well. It is real and if left without help can progress to such severity that it can completely overcome your mental and physical well-being
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You are absolutely right i do the same we were both proud of what we achieved in our lives lovely home landscape gardens 3 lovely children it does not hurt to continue with life even if it is not quite the same
We at some stage will all die but life is so precious every day even in grief counts
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Thank you. That means a lot. I am looking after what we built together. We have no children, or animals. But we enjoyed being together in our own little corner of paradise. X
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Is that really a constructive answer or well lets just give why say wont bother with smear tests is that some kind of denial or self punishment i had very black thoughts but i with a little help i realised that this lets give up attitude was not what my wife would have wanted
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We designed our garden as a heaven for wild life with stone seats tucked away so that we could be together sometime just talking about the day or any other silly rambles
With the koi pond she loved feeding the fish alwas counting so that she new they were ok, she would stand by the aviarys talking to the lovbirds i think she gave everyone a name so funny i sit in the garden on our seat and even now i can see her looking after the plants.
She left me a mammoth task but i learning
Take care positive hugd
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@Ava2 thank you, for noticing the AA bit. Having to deal with that also with this massive shock. Simon was diagnosed 28th February dead by 25th April. It would be so easy to just dive in the bottle. But I know I have to keep going. That’s why I say I want to make him proud, as we were on that journey together. Send hugs and thank you for your support.
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Oh Ali I also used to be consumed by the fear of dying, but since losing my husband that fear has completely disappeared, to be with him is Al I can think about, I ask myself has the fear gone because if I die I will be with him once more, or am I so wrapped up in my grief that I’m not thinking about anything else but my loss and my mind has no room for any other thoughts but him, hugs to you Ali xx😘
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Yeh i feel exactly the same ! Who cares if i am here or not ! Only person who did has gone now ! I loved him so much and wouldve moved heaven on earth for him ! Im sick of living! I thought bereavment counselling may help but its only making me realise how very alone i am in this awful life 
and how much i miss his love xx
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@Steffers I believe if there is a heaven, I will see him. If there isn’t I will know nothing anyway so there is nothing to fear.
@Deb5 I still have a lot to live for. My kids, grandkids and parents, brother, sister would be devastated if they lost me and I would be putting them through this pain and wouldn’t do that to them but to die when my time is up, I’m ready for that.
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