Just re-joined. I lost my beloved husband four months ago. I have no one now. Like so many of us. We only needed each other. The pain I felt at the begging of this unbelievable nightmare, as only deepened and become something horrific.
All the people at the funeral who initially kept in touch, have disappeared. They were there to say goodbye to my beloved, and went through the motions of being there for me.
We were together for 26 years. I’m sobbing as I type this, wishing I was dead. I’m not alive any way, just a shell of the woman I once was, desolate and so alone, the pain is unbearable.
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Hi M67,
I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your husband and are feeling very alone right now. It sounds as though things are very tough and that you feel it’s impossible to adapt to life without him.
It sounds like you’re looking for support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.
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- Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
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- Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
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- You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline .
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- If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling.
You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.
You deserve care and support so please do get in touch with one of these services.
Take care,
Hazel
Dear M67
I am at the 9 month point and still have moments as you describe. I am glad you have re-joined because as I know others will support you.
I think we can all recognise the events you are experiencing since the funeral. All those who wanted to tell you how they were there if you needed them only never to be in contact or available when you need them most. I will be honest I have called the Samaritans on a number of occasions - they listened, I ranted/vented/sobbed/cried and at the end of the call I did feel some of the pain slightly lifted.
I kept on putting it off but eventually spoke with my GP on Monday. She listened and was very honest and realistic in what she had to say. If nothing else she made me feel ‘normal’ in that I can feel however I want to feel not how others want me to be or behave.
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I am nearly 4 months on as well. I still think he is going to come in through the door, even though I know he can’t. My brain just can’t make sense of how I will never speak to him again - I didn’t get chance to say goodbye as it was so sudden. This is a life I didn’t want or choose - he was my everything- but I have to keep on plodding on for my children. Even though they are young adults, they have suffered enough pain. Try counselling, talk to your GP, take any support you can, take it breath by breath if you can’t take it day by day. Sending hugs
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Thank you for sharing. I have spoken to my Doctor, phoned cruse, the Samaritans. This was at the beginning, I thought I was doing well, but no, I’m getting worse and nothing can change that. Coming back to this site , sharing with others who understand and acknowledge my grief is the best way for me to get through this the best way I can .
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Thank you for sharing. I have tried everything life line that there is, but their not him, my beloved. He haunts me , I wasn’t with him when he passed, he died alone.
I have been told that I am a strong woman and that I have got to live my life. To me these words are cruel and insensitive to say the least.
Without him I have no strength, no life . I am still in love with him. But he is not here for me to give him my love, no one loves me anymore. Got to go now , I just need to sob my heart out, can see to type, tears. Thank you Jules
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I’m so sorry. I know how hard it is. My husband was my strength, my confidence, my future, my everything. My house is no longer a home. Home was being in his arms. I have seen one person over the last week and, despite reaching out to people, I don’t think I will be seeing anyone for another few days. I still can’t relieve that life can be so good one minute and then so empty the next. Sending hugs
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@M67 hi I am so very sorry for your loss I lost my partner pauline in April and like you I’m totally alone apart from our pets who give me strength to keep on going and I’m doing it for pauline our loved ones live within us now and their love still surrounds us even though they are not here to see and hold I know that doesn’t help the pain I talk to pauline all the time and I think it helps keep posting on here it helps talking to others that understand my thoughts are with you stay safe take care sending hugs
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Thank you for your reply. It’s an unbelievable world we live in now, isn’t it. Nothing and no one can prepare you for.
We lived in our own little bubble, now that bubble has burst and I don’t know what to do. I have no one now.
Reading comments on here is making me feel that I am not really alone. Collected grief seems to be helping me with my individual grief, I hope that makes sense. Big hugs to you.
Thank you for sharing. I wish I felt his love surrounding me, but I don’t. Occasionally I have felt his presence, or thought I did.
I think it’s wonderful that you talk to your Pauline all the time. Big hugs.
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Hello I am new to this site but read your post before I joined. I lost my partner 3 months ago suddenly and your words sum up so many of the thoughts I have. I would like to post my story later but wanted to say thank you for sharing yours and pointing me to this site, more than that I feel you I feel the pain and send you a huge hug.
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Dear M67
I can relate - I was not with my husband when he died at the side of the road. A passing motorist stayed with him until the emergency services arrived and for that I am grateful but the thought of his last moments haunts me every night when I go to bed.
I too dislike being told that I am strong and have to move forward. I sit lone every night and long for my husband to be back, I long to be important and loved by him again. Only those sadly suffering as we are can understand.
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Thank you for sharing. I have just had my worst day so far. I can’t stop sobbing, I just need to be with him. The only person in this world who understands me and loved me . I don’t know how people who have been grieving longer than I have do it.
There just doesn’t seem to be an end to this devastating heartache and horrific loneliness does there. I have read on many websites that the passing of time can help. I don’t know about you, but I’m getting worse.
Everything just seems pointless to me, nothing to look forward to, only missing what was and will never be again. Thank you so much for your reply. I know I’m not the only one suffering. Sending you the biggest hug I can.
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Lorraine I hope that this community can help you in some way. I know its helping me. Big hugs.
It does get harder because the realisation hits home more with each day. I still can’t quite believe that I can never have a two way conversation with him, hold his hand or have a hug again. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and getting through each day. The thing I find hard is that each day just leads to another day the same. Sending hugs
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Meant to be going to a cottage today so that we can scatter my husband’s ashes. But now my poor little grandson has suffered another convulsion and spent hours in A&E. Grandson is the priority and it hurts me to say that but have stood everyone down. We need to get him better and then think about the scattering. I have the red roses sitting in the house. I feel like the eve of the funeral all over again. I so desperately need my husband he would be telling me that our grandson will be ok.
Sheila 26.
I read all your posts and I so feel for you and the way your husband died. I suffered anticipary grief.( sorry if I spelt that wrong) and for months I prepared for my husband dying but I could never know what it would feel like. Like your grandson my daughter is also ill. She has been ill for 12 yrs since she had encephalitis of the brain. She is so thin and her face is drawn and forgets things. She also has asthma, and type 1 diabetes. Since Ron died I worry about her so much. The ambulance is always at her home.I cannot believe how my life has changed in the past 3 years. I am just not the same person. I hope your Grandson is soon well and that you find peace in scattering your dear husband’s ashes. X
Thank you I am hoping when I can write my story and share here it will help everyone seems so lovely even though we all are sharing the worst of times .
So sorry to hear about your grandson. I hope he’s ok. Your right to make him your priority. My wife passed away in April and I keep thinking about the ashes. They’re sat on our dressing table. I’ve moved into another bedroom. I can’t bear to go into our old room, I’ve kept the door closed. I don’t know when I will be able to cope with spreading the ashes. I can’t believe that’s all I’ve got left. I just want her to walk through the door.
Best wishes for the future and I hope your grandson makes a speedy recovery.
Hello M67 I am so sorry that you are feeling so alone and desolate, but have you thought that perhaps your husband is with you for everything that you do. My husband died new years eve last year, so 6 months or rather 26 weeks which is how it feels. I have 2 faces, the private one and the one that people see, I find it hard too, not having him with me, and I am sick of having to make decisions all of the time. BUT I am alive and I have the plans we made in my head, which I will do in time. You are not on your own, there are so many people in the similar position, i write to my husband every day, telling what’s happened and how do I do things, I feel that I can cope when I do this, and I have looked back at what I have written in January, and writing has helped. I feel for you and hope that you will be able to see that he is always with you, and you will never ever forget. I hope that you could perhaps write to him, it might help you too. Take care and we are all here, trying to be strong.