Hi Everyone. I’m still struggling after 3 months. I know it’s not a long time but it seems so to me. I need to get things done at home. I can’t go out all the time and I can’t invite my friends to be here all the time either. I stayed in last Sunday, determined to tackle things waiting to be done. It was a good opportunity but I couldn’t organise myself. I got more and more disorientated and upset. The same is happening today. I feel dizzy and my heart is thumping. I’ve even thought of finding another companion online at one of the websites but it’s too soon and I feel it would be so disloyal. I want to be independent and not find a replacement for my husband because I can’t cope but it is just so difficult being alone in the house. I have my piano, books, the garden, the radio and TV but nothing really works. I miss my husband so much - just the little things we did every day. I sometimes feel quite normal when I’m out with friends or when my grandchildren are here but it is not a solution to my loneliness. I wonder how long people wait before they look for another companion. I would welcome some advice but feel guilty at even thinking about it! Please help.
Give yourself time It is only 3 months since your husband died and it was sudden and you did not have time to say goodbye properly or say all the other things we think we should. That all adds up to something very like post traumatic stress disorder and your mind, let alone your heart, physically and emotionally, needs to get to grips with it all.
There is no norm for finding another companion and to rush anything at this stage may cause more heartache than you have already.
I am 8 months in from losing Helen, my wife, and for the first 5 months I cried everyday. Perhaps because it was all hurting so much I decided that I needed to accept the grief - grieving is after all a sign of the love and commitment you had for each other. Thinking about Helen can still sometimes hurt (especially when I think of the things I should’nt have said or done, as well as the missed opportunities) but there are more days now when I smile or even have a chuckle to myself about the good times.
As I said, give yourself time, you will find that you begin to cope better. This is new to all of us, we are all learning how to live again, it will take as long as it takes but we will get there.
Take care
Alan xx
Hi Pattoa and Alan read your messages and thinking about the time thing. I lost my lovely Peter 10 months ago, we only knew he was ill for 5 days and we and my son and daughter were all totally dumbstruck just breathed drank tea and looked at each other. He was so brave never cried and we just wanted to will him to live so didn’t say the things we should/would have liked to. The very end was traumatic and I relive it every day. We didn’t get to retire but I have stopped work now and am trying to live this new strange and lonely life too. It is really hard to change a life when you don’t want to and only want what you had. Trying to keep fit and healthy but secretly don’t want to be around too long its too painful. Going to try a bereavement group I don’t think one to one counselling is for me but want to speak to others like me as we do on this site. Please keep posting I think it helps. Best wishes xxxxJust a thought Pattoa don’t feel guilty about wanting companionship we have been in a partnership for so long why wouldn’t you?
Hi Alan and Billie. Thank you so much for replying. It means a lot to me and helps. You both said very sensible things but it’s difficult looking forward into a vacuum. I can’t imagine what I’m going to do with the rest of my life. It is a strange feeling and not totally logical as my day to day life hasn’t changed that much. It just feels a lot different. I’ve had an enormous shock and could well be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. I probably expect to get over this too quickly. I’ll try to be more patient with myself. Thanks again and take care. It is nice to think we are not alone. I do so value the support from this site!
Hi
Just been following these conversations. I lost my husband 2 months ago and have similar thoughts to Pattoa. We did so much together that now I feel so lonely especially in the evenings . Nobody to chat to about the day and plan for tomorrow. I always went to my husband for help and advice now I have to tackle everything by myself which is stressful at times. It would be good to hsve a group locslly to meet upmwith people in a similsr situation if anybody knows of any organisation.
ALAN’S comments are reassuring, I hope the pain within will lessen with time and I can enjoy life again in a new way.
Like others I find this site comforting.
Katy
Hello, the thoughts and feelings in this thread have become very familiar to me over the last few weeks. Few of us want to live alone, and research shows people are happier, healthier, and live longer in a loving supportive relationship. It is all the little things we miss isn’t it? I don’t want this imposed single life - none of us do, and that’s nothing to be ashamed or guilty about. But as you say Pattoa it feels disloyal to think about moving on. It creates a powerful internal conflict to resolve.
So we have a stark choice. Continue to live alone, feeling so desolate but hoping to get used to it and somehow make the best of it. Or we can open up to the possibility of finding a new companion, and maybe take the first steps to look for someone when we are ready.
But if we decide to open up, how soon is too soon? As Alan says, too soon could just result in even more heartache (if that’s possible). We are individuals and it will be different for each one of us, and only you will now when you are ready. But we are not the first people to go through this and there are statistics available on other people’s experiences, and very few people are ready after just a few months. My personal view is that as you say three months is too soon. You are probably just trying to do something, anything, to fill the void that you feel at the the core of your being.
Even six months doesn’t seem long enough to grieve fully and so might also be too soon. But that doesnt have to exclude friendship and companionship. There’s no need to seek a full blown relationship straight and if you found the right person early on I think it could be beneficial and could help with healing, but the wrong person could make things worse. The organisation Way-Up might be a way to meet people in a similar position if there’s a group in your area. I think a year used to be an accepted norm before actual ‘dating’ and there might be some wisdom in that.
Finally I do know people who have found happiness in a new relationship after bereavement, so if that’s what you want, even if you are not ready yet, it’s a better thought to hold on to than one where the current misery continues indefinitely.
With best wishes to you all.
Hi everyone. Following on from Billie and KatyB, a bereavement group is an excellent idea. I have been going to one for the last 6 months,run by a local curate but you don’t have to be a fully paid up member of any church. It has helped me get a better perspective on my own grief and helped me appreciate how others are coping themselves and how much we can give each other despite what we have lost. These groups are not always easy to find I know but ask your GP or hospice or Citizens Advice Bureau or perhaps local newspaper. Not long ago someone on this site was setting up their own group and whilst they were thinking of hiring a small hall, a group can meet just as easily if not more cosily with a rota of home meetings. Neil’s suggestion of Way-up is good too and there is no pressure, as it says itself, it is not a dating agency.
I do not now have work to concentrate on but have started to get involved in local stuff, like Parish Council meetings and Speedwatch - the latter in particular would have given Helen a laugh.
Pattoa, I too felt there was a vacuum in front of me, but it is more that we cannot see what opportunities will open up before us.
I still miss Helen badly every day, and nothing new will replace her, but perhaps I can manage grief better now than when it first hit.
Take care everyone and all the best.
Alan.
Hi Katy.
I really do know how you feel. I lost my husband just over 7 weeks ago. The evenings are lonely and some tv programmes are unbearable because we used to watch them together. I miss talking about our respective days, planning the weekends and cannot believe I will never see him, talk to him, or touch him again. I can’t settle properly in the house and yet I hate going out - I panic and have had several anxiety attacks. I so long for our old life which ended only a few short weeks ago with very little warning. Keith was 67 and I am 59. He fell and broke his thigh on 2 March, was in hospital 2 weeks and got a blood clot in his leg a week after discharge. They treated it but he was unwell for a couple of weeks after and was finally taken back into hospital as an emergency after I checked on him when he went to bed, and I couldn’t wake him. He was diagnosed with pneumonia in both lungs and was put on a ventilator in ITU after the antibiotics failed to treat it. A CT scan 2 days later showed that the underlying cause was a tumour in his lung which had spread to his bones. They couldn’t treat it because of the pneumonia - radio or chemotherapy would have killed him - and the doctors finally advised taking him off the ventilator and letting him pass away peacefully. The alternative was to leave him on it with the cancer untreated until nature took its’ course, which was unthinkable, and we followed medical advice. He passed away very peacefully with all his family around him on 22nd April 2017.
If you’re looking for group meetings of people, try the Wayup website. It’s mainly for widowed people of both sexes in their fifties and sixties, but this isn’t a rigid rule - you can be older or younger. They have a good, supportive forum on line and there are posts from people at various stages of bereavement. I’ve found a lot of support there and also on this site. Wayup members organise meets and events in different areas, so give it a go. I was really distressed a few days ago that as the weeks go on, I seem to be leaving him behind, but my sister in law pointed out that he is with me in spirit and I will take him forward with me. I have his ashes at home on the bookcase, with his beloved book collection, along with a photo of us both and I keep his favourite white roses fresh every week in a vase alongside. I find it helps to talk to him and tell him about my day - I know this is not for everyone and I’ve only recently started to do this, but I find it helps. Keep posting Katy, there is good advice and support here. Sending you a big hug. Pam. xx
Hi there I’m the same as you can’t do anything when home alone even contemplating going online to look for company finding this so hard being alone all the time, have family not far but can’t keep bothering them as there trying to get through this as well, my heart starts and panicky been trying to sort things out even looked at retirement villages so will have people around never thought it would come to this thought I was stronger but I’m not, really do miss my ed she would know what to do we were due to retire this year and enjoy our selfs,
Hi,My husband died 3 months ago and its difficult but I joined a site called Big Tent and have met some lovely widows and widowers give it a try.
Hi. Big Tent is the wider website and Wayup/The Quiet Room is the forum community. It’s a really good website - loads of support and meetings all over the country.
Yes I went to my first Lunch in Leeds and it was fun met many ladies since for coffee some you click with some you don’t but You have to try anything and great site for holidays .
Hi Pattoa thanks for your posts about feeling lonely and needing companionship. I have those feelings too and it’s really helpful to read what others think about it. When I was walking my dog this morning a near neighbour pulled up in his car. I hadn’t seen him since my wife died and he was very apologetic etc then he said ’ my boss’s wife died a year ago but now he’s met someone new and he’s as happy as Larry.’
I felt quite shocked that he would say this as my Cathryn died just eight weeks ago, then I thought why not? the guy’s only trying to cheer me up.
And so my feeling is that I need to be fair to myself and fair to anyone I may meet in the future. At the moment I couldn’t give any emotional attachment to anyone else, but I expect that will change. But for me starting a new relationship would not feel like a solution to loneliness, at least until I can feel comfortable with myself and that the feelings of sadness are not so overpowering as they are now.
Thanks for your reply I have been on the Way Up site and started a conversation with a couple of people who live in my area. Thanks for the info.I find I land up in tears in the evenings and going on line writing to someone gives me some comfort.
Thinking of you and thanks.
KatyB. No problem. I get lonely in the evenings too even though my Mum lives with me. It was the time of day when my hubby and I caught up on the events of our respective days, had a nice meal together and even just watching telly together was enough. We were happy in each other’s company and Keith was a home bird - he loved his home and it’s the time of day that it really hits home how much life can change in such a short time. I’m sending a big hug and please keep posting - it does help.
Hi can you tell me what to google for the site big tent I’m 74 not very computer literate I’m from glasgow
Hi Patricia,
I think the organisation people in this conversation were talking about was Way Up, which you can find here: http://www.way-up.co.uk/
(It looks as though Big Tent might just be the name of the site where they have created their forum).
Hi All, A lot of these comments from you all is how I feel .I lost my husband in May. We had been married for 27 years. He had been ill for 2 years and I nursed him through this time, but the end was quick, quicker than thought .I was in total denial all the way till the end. This has made it had I have felt ill and very lonely family try their best but once in doors on my own I feel back to square one. I feel in a whirl.
Hi lyn its so hard I’m in Ireland at my daughters just now I go home Friday my grandson is coming over on the ferry with me to see me home,he will go back Saturday but I will still be on my own no matter how much they do to try and make it easy form me I’m still on my own.
Understand where you come from my grandson goes home tomorrow then that’s it will be on my own again, just sitting watching TV then bed and try to sleep