I am the other woman. I know a lot of you will absolutely hate me, and I know I deserve it. I’d been having an affair for 12 years (we were both married). We had decided long ago that we would never leave our partners (who are both lovely) and families. We had a relationship that involved being in contact almost every day and we met up whenever we could. We were the very best of friends. We talked about anything and everything, laughed and loved each other dearly. We also loved our partners and our families and knew and accepted that this was how our relationship would be. Nobody knew. He has suddenly died and I am devastated. I am having to cry in private and go on as if all is good and right in the world. I know I can’t be the only person on here in this situation and I know we will all be judged harshly, and rightly so, but I am broken and I don’t know how to keep going. I am very much on the outside. I didn’t attend the funeral (we had no friends in common and I know he wouldn’t have wanted me there anyway). I held my own little remembrance for him alone on the day and that was special. I cry every single day, and have to make sure I have pulled myself together by the time we all get home in the evening. The grief is terrible and I can’t believe I will never see him again. I feel so alone and have no-one to talk to, he was my go-to person. But I know this is the price I pay for loving him and for us choosing to have this relationship. I wish his family nothing but compassion and love, and I would never reveal our secret, but seeing all of the online tributes to him has been so very hard. I want to tell the world that I loved him too, and that he loved me in return. I really don’t expect any sympathy, but I needed to tell someone. My heart is broken.
You are very brave. You dont have to walk alone in your grief. You have a loss. It is real. We don’t have any business judging you. We all have stuff. We all have a past. We all have reasons. We all have complications in our lives and we are not in your shoes. His death I don’t believe is a consequence of your arrangement. His death is not in your control. I would hate to see you beat yourself up. You are in the right place. Grief is hard. There is no right way to grieve. You are brave. I recommend you work with a counselor to work through your grief. I was not able to get through this without my counselor. You are in the right place. This forum is for grief and not judgment. Hang in there. From AZ
Thank you so much. I have arranged to have some counselling soon and I hope that will help. I keep hoping it is all a dream and I will wake up soon. But I know everyone feels that. The hardest part is trying to carry on as normal and to not show any grief. I long for the day when I can remember him with happiness and love and not to have this physical pain in my heart. And I can only imagine how his family feel. I would never do or say anything to hurt them any further.
Just talk about him as if he was your partner on here ! It doesn’t matter … you need to off load your grief xx
So sorry grief is so painful and difficult to go through
it’s not about what you did it’s about your grief. You have made the first step on here. Also No one can judge you on here
But I do think you need to have a space and time to grief him . you loved him he loved you, there’s many people in the world that love more than one person. Thinking of you x
Thank you so much. I’m so glad I came in here. I was struggling to find something online for people like me. I know there must be so many of us but we have to keep it hidden. I had a lovely family day yesterday and my emotions were all over the place. On the surface I was joining in, laughing and having a great time, but underneath my heart was aching that he will never have the chance to do things with his family again and that they must be missing him terribly. I feel awful that my life goes on the same with all the lovely things in it and that his family is in pieces. I’m trying to focus on the positive, that they will never know about us and will continue to remember him for the love he had for them. And he did. He loved them all dearly. I know from the outside, people cannot believe that, but it is so true. You can love more than one person and not wish to hurt anyone. Maybe we were weak acting upon it, but I’m the one paying the price now with my hidden grief and it is much better for only one person to be suffering than two whole families.
Sending lots of love to you xxxx
Bad day today. Feeling lost and alone, but surrounded people. I am desperate to pick up the phone to call him and ask him what the hell he thinks he is doing, dying out of the blue and causing this chaos. I can’t concentrate and am constantly fighting back tears. I know I deserve this, but it is unbearable
No, you don’t deserve this. You have been honourable in hiding such enormous grief and generous in leaving the family memories intact. So, so hard for you. You sound like a lovely, generous person to me.
Having such a bad day today. Sitting in the garden crying my heart out. I know I am so far down the list of people who loved him. Way after his wife, family, his parents and siblings. They are all getting so much support and sympathy - and rightly so. Even his work colleagues are getting more support than me. I’m even thinking his spirit won’t have time to come to me to comfort me as they all come first and he will be with them. He was such a huge part of my life and I can’t even grieve in public. Another day crying on my own, drinking wine then pulling myself together before my family gets home. I don’t regret a moment of loving him, but this is the price I pay. Hoping it starts getting easier soon.
Yeh its a tough one for you … i think you should look into grief counselling so you can speak to someone in confidence about how you feel … you need to let it out somewhere so you can get some support. Im waiting for grief counselling myself … you know you can go privately dont you ? Xx take care … if its any consellation ive been crying my eyes out today too
I have had one session. We have a scheme at work where we can have 8 sessions a year. I just cried through the whole session!! My eyes are stinging from all the crying. I need to go and get a cold cloth to calm down the redness before they all get home! I feel so bad knowing my life is going on as before. Days out, holidays, family times, and his family are suffering so much. All the things he will miss out on. We loved seeing each other enjoy our family times, it was never a case that we would run away together, we just wanted each other to be happy. I know if it had been me, he would have struggled too. But I don’t think he’d have been crying in corners!! I think he’d have gone on a ‘work trip’ got drunk and spent a couple of days in a hotel letting it out. I don’t have that luxury!!
‘Other women’ aren’t all horrible, nasty people. Sometimes we are just someone that your husband has met and found a connection with . A close friend. Someone not connected to the day-to-day struggles of families, mortgages, shopping, keeping the garden tidy, etc. Someone who finds you attractive, funny, talkative and who you think the same of. It does not mean you don’t love your partner and your children. It means that there is room in your heart to love someone else. If it was a male friend (if you are a bloke) or a female friend (if you are a woman), nobody would look twice. In some extra martial relationships, it is not just about sex. In our case, yes , there was that, but I know in my case, that was something missing in my own marriage and I suspect it was in his too. Jobs, family and life get in the way. In every marriage. Please. If you feel your marriage is getting a little stale, stop and take a look. Even the most ‘perfect’ relationships have issues. I will never betray the trust of my lover, but this must be happening everywhere, I’m a normal person with a job and family as far as the world knows - not everyone will be as discrete or understanding. Have you become complacent and think all is well? Are you tempted by that person who looks at you like you partner used to before life took over? Think about what you are doing. You will either destroy families or you will be left behind mourning a relationship you can’t even acknowledge, with a broken heart.
You are in deep grief and it is so much harder for you as you are having to do it in private.
Don’t put yourself down, you were in love and were loved back.
So very sorry, I hope you can find some kind of peace.
Sending love and hugs xxx
Thank you so much, sending hugs back as we are all in need of one!! xx
Well, I have survived the Easter holidays - just. Having to behave as normal with the kids at home, doing happy things and having days out has been so very hard. I have been constantly battling with the tears that threaten to engulf me out of the blue. Don’t get me wrong, I truly appreciate having time with my family, but there is still this awful pain in my heart and overwhelming disbelief and sorrow. It was his birthday a couple of weeks ago and the comments online were unbearable. What a nice man he was, what a lovely family man he was, etc. All true. But still nobody realises there was this other side to him. This other part of his life who was me and our relationship. I’ve come to a sort of plateau today and decided that I really need just to carry on and believe that when my time comes, he will be there to meet me. I found a white feather yesterday whilst out walking the dog and today I opened the door as a robin landed on the path. I’m taking those as gifts and trying to have a day today where I don’t feel like I want to curl up in a ball and join him. Again, I know this is the price I pay and I just have to accept it alone.
Dear Dublingirl my heart goes out to you. It is hard enough grieving as it is without having to keep your grief to yourself.
From what you say you are doing well, but I know that is only on the outside.
The heartbreak of losing a loved one is unbearable and grief has no time limit. All I can say is to take one day at a time, be kind to yourself. I know how difficult will be as you are having to do it in private.
Keep posting on here, let it all out. You won’t be judged as non of us are judge and jury. You are guilty of nothing. You fell deeply in love and was loved back, the dame as the rest of us.
Big hugs xx
Well here I am, 6 months down the line. Still the other woman. Still crying, still grieving and still in a state of total disbelief that the love of my life has gone. I have one friend I can unload on, and she has been brilliant. I have another who knows, although we rarely get the chance to speak about what has happened. But I know they are thinking of me and wishing me well. Apart from that, I am on my own and it is really awful. I am up and down all over the place. I’ve had some really good weeks. Weeks where I thought I was dealing with it and moving on. Then days like today where the tears just won’t stop, but I know I have to be in control and looking normal by the time the family starts to appear. I also see online that his family are really suffering. Of course they are. I so long to reach out and tell them that they were so loved, that he was so proud. But then I see his wife declaring to the world that he was perfect husband and she will never marry again, and that is giving me a dilemma. Should I tell? I know I can’t, but I don’t know if they spoke of what would happen should one of them die. My husband and I have both said go on and be happy, find another partner. My lover and I said the same to each other. Please be happy. But I don’t know if he discussed that with his wife. So, here I am, witnessing her grief and unable to tell her that he was not the perfect husband she thought he was and that she needs to move on when the time is right. But I can’t. I can’t destroy hers or their children’s memories of him. But I so want her to be happy. I want her to live her life and make new loving memories. He loved her. He loved us both. It happens all the time, whether people choose to believe it or not. We were lovers for 12 years, and whilst that may be hard to accept, it is true. I probably won’t be back on here again for a while. I’m desperately trying to cope all on my own. I’m really trying to be a good person and not rock the boat. Much love to you all xx
Hard one for you ? Can you get counselling ? Maybe think about it. Look after yourself. At least you have one friend you can confide in xx
Hi Deb, I have had counselling, and all I do is cry!! Still, better out than in as they say. Just having a bad day today. I’ve had a couple of instances recently where I’ve gone to pick up the phone to text silly things I know he’d have laughed at, and it hurts a lot. But, that’s the price we all pay, right? No such thing as free love xx