So I have a day where I am in, which is rare, because, for the most, I faff around, trying to keep focused on something, and for the most I am not that interested in either.
It’s a distraction isn’t it.
Alot of jobs that I start, hopping one from the other…never fully getting to grips with them.
Then I pick my mobile up, i have a nose, do I have a voicemail, txt, as let’s be real, very few people talk on the phone any more, which I have never minded until now, but now it only adds to the disconnection I already battle against with the world With. Yep a couple messages have landed, thank god, I can faff and answer them, not letting on how completely despondent and debobulated I am with me… .
I often council/listen to messages,which are usually about their day, worries, and life, which most of the time suits me, as if I tell them the dark restlessness that is within, they would just feel awkward, not their fault, they can not give me my husband back, Simon, because that’s what I need.
I give alot of warmth, because I have a overwhelming amount off love and care that I practically gave happily to my Simon, he is fully loaded in my heart, and I am on replay and he is not hear in human fibre…I still probably share my void, by giving to much of my warmth out, while not necessarily receiving it back…
Which doesn’t help matters. When I am extra low, I sit and feel more isolated and sad about that.
I know what I am doing wrong… I am on social media, wasting time, just looking in… sitting…to much of that…big periods of sitting, around small periods of applying myself to a task.
I have family, fantastic, I have friends, and even if I do something with someone for four hours, that leaves another twenty to me in a day…I know there is sleep time…but that doesn’t always work does it, and it’s still time…
This wonderful gift of life, that we have and the person you have lost, does not, and I can not get over that, it grips me and hurts like a heart squeeze …it’s always there…
When I do muster up being out,out, I am rather to jolly, over compensating, my defense mechanism. Dreading if I release the beast of grief, it will be the start of me unravelling … and then will I be able to put the lid back on…
Then there is the triggers, hyper sensitivity at its fullest, I note everything, from everyone… it’s like suddenly being tuned in to a now, finer more clear new H.d chanel…
I absorb everything. From a couples loving glance at each other, to being amongst people that are full of real, to your hair roots joy…
Happiness and belly laughing, all things that no longer come naturally to me.
May be a little bit of manic joy after to many glasses of wine, but every unnatural high, is hit by a major down. So I try and steer clear of chemical high now days…knowing what that brings…
I am peaking at the sun, through my French doors, knowing I should be painting my garden fence.
I also know if i reached out and requested attention, it would be given, for many reaons, but non off those supporters, people that still love and care for me, can slip into the undiluted and greatly missed postion of my nu one and only Simon, so here I am sharing with you guys, that I hope get me.
Much love…xxx
Oh @Elvispresley69, I get you completely.
I can faff for England these days.
You are so right - we do it as diversional therapy to help us stay as sane as we’re going to be, because focusing on the minutiae of the mundane helps to stop us thinking - as if!
The flitting about - starting something then wandering off in the midst of it because something else popped into your brain which suddenly seems more important or urgent - that’s me to a tee.
Disconnected is a good word for it.
Trying to summon up some motivation to do stuff that does need doing but instead frittering the day away on nothing in particular is also my modus operandi these days.
Funnily enough, my garden fence needs painting too!
You are so right.
There is a partner shaped hole that no-one else can fit into no matter how kind, caring and understanding they try to be.
It makes me feel very exposed and without shelter.
I’m off to faff a bit more now Elvis, but thank you for your post and again, yes, I get you only too well.
Life is so cr isn’t it.I feel for your loss,I feel your pain.
Hi there, so sad reading your posts. Feeling exactly the same way as you, in fact, I’ve just spent more than three weeks repainting my garden fence and all the railings surrounding our house, got through two tins of paint. . I also keep myself busy, to ‘not think’ especially doing man jobs my darling husband would have done. I feel I’m honoring him doing this, we’re having a 40 degrees heatwave now down here (Italy) so unfortunately can’t spend too much time outdoors trying to get jobs done. Being among nature in the country does help my sanity, even though triggers so many special memories.
I strongly recommend spending more time outdoors, preferably in the countryside, or even just a park , it is comforting and soothing to breathe in fresh air, walking in natural surroundings.
All the best to you all.
That’s a lovely post………where in Italy are you
I get home from work and faff around all evening by the time I go to bed found I haven’t really achieved anything.
One thing I did do last summer holidays was painting the fences and shed, I could hear Doug in my head saying that it needed doing…
What is it with us and these fences?!
I wonder if subconsciously we’re looking after the boundaries to keep us safe and enclosed in some way? - or, is it just more faffing?
You could be right on both counts
Faffing is a art form guys…and I so resonated with you all ,that flitted from one job to the next.
Finding concentration when your mind is heading to one of those over thinking moment.
Interesting about the fences, yes may be as someone suggested, it’s our boundaries that we are working in,bina symbolic way.
Thank you for answering and being so open.
Hi Donant, I live in Southern Italy, near Naples.Athough being Italian blood, I was born and grew up in London,moved over here in my twenties.
Wishing you a peaceful day.
I do get you, it’s hard. You just want someone to tell you what to do but there is nothing you can do because all you want is Simon back. I think we are just lost without our husbands.
Oh my goodness, you could be describing my life. Plus I also have a fence I should be painting! It is the one year anniversary of my beloved Derek’s death. Last week it would have been our 49th wedding anniversary and I cried all day. I’m comforted to know that I’m not the only one who “faffs” and doesn’t/can’t complete tasks. I can’t concentrate and am really wasting my days. I am finding that my grief is getting worse, not better. I long for him so much it hurts. He was very funny, tall and strong before the curse of cancer came upon him. Thank you for your post - at least I know I’m not alone in my lack of motivation and confusion. Take care xx
I’m a massive Elvis fan too , my dear recently late husband went to Memphis on our honeymoon , I was going to take him to the current Elvismovie but obviously I’ve gone alone . So sad when one had a common interest with their other half . 
Such a wonderful tale of how so many of us feel and you have put it into words beautifully. That state we can find ourselves in of not being able to focus on anything for any length of time and as a result getting very little done. I also totally empathise with what you say about being a caring person yourself but not wanting to burden others with your grief. I am paraphrasing but I think that is the gist of what you’re saying. We can still feel the love we received from our loved one and share it with others but it doesn’t seem to come back…and we don’t feel able to ask for it. The only consolation that I came across recently was when a friend said to me “You were clearly one of the lucky ones to have truly found your soulmate. Some of us, married or not, never find that in a lifetime” I hang on to that and it is plain for all who read your message that you clearly had…or should I say have…that with Simon. Lots of love to you.
I totally get it - lost my husband on 18th March and I do stuff but it’s all meaningless. I have lots of supportive friends and family but Giles was the only one who ever really ‘got’ me.
Welcome Heather and thank you for sharing your situation with us.
It must be so difficult when the person who ‘gets you’ is no longer around and everything feels so meaningless without him.
Please take comfort from others using the site who are in a similar position - we are all here to help support each other at a difficult time.
Take care
Jolene1
Hello everyone,
I have actually managed to get back into working reasonably well. I am a medical editor and I love my work. My other half was a translator and a very good one at that. We both loved our work and concentrating on getting work done makes the time pass quite well mostly. I should rake my garden but I do not have the motivation right now.
Otherwise, I watch quite a lot of mindless TV, some of it bearable but a lot of it just repeat after repeat. The TV summer schedule is usually rubbish. The theory is that people are out and about and thus do not watch TV. Mind you, with the cost of living the way it is, I doubt people are out there spending money. Rather, they are more likely to stay in. Tell that to the BBC, ITV and other channels.
Off to have a rest now. I try to take it easy in the evenings. Andrew’s ashes are ready to collect and I chose a lovely teardrop-shaped container for them. I cannot wait to have him back with me where he should be.
Very moving and also stoic
Well, it is either that or falling to pieces. What good would that do and Andrew would have hated to see me falling apart.
There is still lots to organise regarding the probate, clearing the house and then putting it for sale.
The worst time for me is first thing in the morning. Waking up and realising Andrew is not next to me hurst more than you can imagine. So, not very stoic then!
Sonia
Tbh I got on with things in a very organised way too as I had to , it’s just me . I did his estate, the bills, the funeral, the headstone, etc all within the first three months . Then I got a lodger as I’m an income down , got an extra part time job and later this month will be putting my expensive we’d just bought a year ago , back on the market .
So I’m also very stoic I guess but as I’m quite a youngish widow I think it’s also because I have no choice ! Im up against it frankly which I could really do without , I’d prefer to have the time to grieve more really . And take a holiday . But I can’t . Everyone keeps saying how ‘strong’ I am but I have no choice .
Sometimes one doesn’t . But I wish you well Sonja , in the end it’s a very individual thing and everyone must does what they need to do for them .