And yes the mornings are worse for me too -,very empty house 
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I totally get the faffing, I think I’m the World expert. I’m in our holiday home getting it ready to sell so lots to do. So I wrote a task list, numbered what was urgent etc. I did that 3 days ago, but have done none of it. To maybe add a little lighthearted tragedy, yesterday: I picked up the tasklist, then decided a needed a cup of tea before I could handle it, boiled the kettle and went upstairs while it was boiling, while upstairs I though I’d better get the washing machine on, picked through the dirty clothes (deciding which ones could be worn again and not washed, then having done that, heard Sharon in my head telling me to wash ALL of them), put the clothes back in the basket to think about later by which time kettle had boiled but gone cold, refilled the kettle waited and poured onto tea bag, checked my phone, saw an email which I needed to reply to so went to the pc in the study, 30 minutes later returned to cold stewed tea,threw it away, emptied and reboiled kettle, thought I’d have a shave while it boiled, but when I went to the bathroom had a shower instead, returned to the kitchen, refilled kettle, and so the day continued - and nothing was even started. And all the while, everything reminded me of my darling Sharon so every time I started to think of her, my brain blocked it and shut down to protect me. But now at least I know I’m not the only one not able to function…
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Lovely place Italy,we used to go to sorrento,amalfi,a few times,loved it……also loved lake Garda……take care
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I need to get faffing around , I’m stuck in the way I get in and eat then sit mulling .
Mandy totally got me and I got her , we knew each other inside out . I panic thinking I need a partner but who the hell will also “get me” like Mandy did .
She was amazing , my everything. I’m quite good on the grief stakes, it’s NOT consuming me as it did , I’m actually not too bad, I think the long time we knew she would die has helped me prepare in a way , it’s still very very painful but I feel a wee bit better today .
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Yeah I really miss holidays and just normal routines with our partners.I’m not really sure about my weekend,a mate suggested going over his house to watch the rugby Saturday,there’s a lot of games on,but apart from that nothing really.
Tell you what I’ve been looking for next year is saga solo cruises,they’re expensive but I reckon they worth it……I haven’t read too much but it seems,I think,the full cruise is full of over 50s single people,not a daring thingy lol,just everyone would be on their own.Have a look at that maybe
Take care
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I get you. Every single word and feeling you have expressed… all of it.
I had covid again & was sick, couldn’t keep anything down. My big handsome, patient, loving guy wasn’t there to hold my hair back. He used to say it was his job.
Just way too much to miss, he’s just too much to miss. 17 months of absolute torture without him.
I feel like I had two hearts in my body and I’ve lost one of them, half a person, no life.
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@Northumbrian54 I read your post, everything you said clicked with me, so then read your profile. I too spent (3 years rather than one) caring for my girl in every way, helping her emotionally, physically as she declined and bottled up the sheer hell (your word) of watching my soul mate being taken against her will. It tore me up but I kept a brave face for her and everyone. Now she’s gone, the real HELL, the unreality, the torture has started - I can’t break, let go - and its the finality that this will never change and I’ll never talk to my girl, hold her, see her is ripping my soul apart. I keep replaying that she was there, then gone, everything in this World finished, over for ever. So your situation seems so similar, but I wish I could break, maybe release the tension, but apparently I’m still in shock.
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@Diana4 I like that point, I’m trying to find some positive points in all this, soo I have started to try to make a list now, and logically (although I don’t actually believe I’m lucky), so I started with: "I’m so lucky to have spent almost all my life with the most gorgeous perfect girl on the planet, and what if I hadn’t met her?“. But to be honest, at the moment, nothing truly helps…
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I so get you … thanks for your post
Hi to all, been sat reading all these posts, I’ve been visiting for a little while I’ve just not felt like it, been trying to keep myself busy work my way down a massive ‘Jobs to do’ list I made for myself, but like all of you I too have just been ‘messing about’, fumbling from 1 thing to another and really not getting anywhere then telling myself off for not doing it and that ‘tomorrow’ will be different, but it’s not, it’s like life is set on repeat day after day, I used to be able to sleep really well, now I’m lucky if I get 4 hours of broken sleep a night, but then when I just sit I start to nod off, I read one of those many poem you see on FB and thought that is spot on, and my reply to it was this;
When someone asks me how I’m doing I smile and say ‘fine I’m getting there’ but inside I’m still in pieces, I may not be sobbing as much but the tears still flow, they flow when I think him, they flow when I look at his picture, they flow when I listen to the words of certain songs, there seems to be more of them now than there was, they flow when watching a scene on tv where 2 people who are in love and embrace, hold hand, kiss, as I know I will never have those moments again, they flow when I think about the things we had planned but will now not be making memories of, they flow when I remember those memories we did make, they flow when I think back to ‘that day’, they flow because I can’t take back some of things I did/said in the past that was wrong, they flow because I feel that I didn’t give enough love, they flow because I can’t right my wrongs, but ask me how I’m doing and I’ll smile and say ‘fine I’m getting there’.
I bet a lot of us can relate to this, the same feeling are put into words in many different ways but all mean the same thing, we are grieving in our own way and it will all take time, not to get over it, but handling things differently but always missing the one we love.
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Hi, You are absolutely right, I definitely relate to all you say, perfectly chosen words to describe what we’re going through. It’s a so true, that we see ‘triggers’ everywhere, even the most unusual things could just set me off. For example, the other day, waiting at the mechanic’s while my flat tyre was being repaired, I had to struggle to hold back the tears, thinking: “He would have been doing this”.
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You sum up perfectly how my life is and the things that trigger tears for me too. It’s reassuring to know others feel the same and “get it” but I’m sorry when I realise others are suffering like me.
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it’s not easy is it. I cared for my Lesley at home after her terminal diagnosis just nine weeks ago. She died on Saturday. Don’t judge me harshly here.
I feel as guilty as hell. On Friday I had a few moments alone with Lesley she was in a deep sleep and I hoped she could hear me as I told her I loved her I cried as I held her hand, there was no squeezing back to my gentle touch. I told her it was okay to slip away if she was ready, my daughter had told her the same. We sat at her bedside and discussed with the sleeping lady the plans for visitors the next day. Sam was staying in the hospice and she told us that she just could not cope to receive that final call in the middle of the night. Her husband was at home looking after the little one. I had the old dog Charlie at home to care for. Visitors wanted to come in the morning and in the afternoon. So Sam suggested I go and try to play golf and get some time to relax. I was not convinced but Sam reminded me it would be what mum wanted. I agreed reluctantly and said I would bring mum her old panda teddy down so she could have him beside her as she slept.
I made sure everything was okay with Lesley in the morning before I went to golf. There was no change and mum was still peaceful and sleeping.
On the fourth hole at around 1200pm, I got the most incredible stomach cramps almost doubling me up, just like the pains Lesley described to me. my mind was on Lesley all the time thinking of her constantly. This pain carried on and I Struggled to play. On the eighth hole halfway down the fairway they stopped it was 12:45 they just went. No pain, no tenderness in the stomach, just gone. I walked off the green and stood by the next tee which is the furthest possible from the club house about three quarters of a mile away. My phone rang. It was the hospice, I thought for a second that I had not called to arrange my visiting time, The lady in a soft voice told me that Lesley had just passed away. I collapsed on the floor and broke down in tears. My friends supported me as they have done so well with hugs and kind words. The long walk back to my car was the hardest, news travels fast and other golfing friends ran to me as I crossed their fairways as I to my raced to my car, hugs and tears were everywhere. I eventually got there and ran straight in and she was laying there beautiful and thin but peaceful no sign of pain on her face. I cracked up again and fell at her side holding her hand and saying goodbye and I was sorry I was not there for her at the end. 28 years and I missed her passing.
Eventually I calmed down and Sam sat with me as I held Lesleys still hand. Sam said. Mum was listening yesterday you know. She heard us discussing things. She planned this to happen. She wanted to go when she know it was daylight and I would not get that call in the night I was here with her it was peaceful she just slipped away. She knew you were golfing and trying to relax. I told Sam about where I got the call. She shrugged mum must have known that as well and played a joke on you as was her sense of humour.
We had a little smile about that.
Today two days after her passing I am beginning to faff as you say. Lost and incredibly lonely she was my reason to be, my motivator, my life.
No one knows the pain of grief like the ones here on this forum as we are living it, breathing it and despising it.
I don’t know what lies ahead. But Lesley would tell me to crack on with it and pull myself together. Bless her heart. I will try for her memory and my sanity.
Faffing is now in progress normal service may be resumed at anytime.
I have a hole in my soul… and it hurts.
Sorry I have rambled on. I think Lesley shared her pain and told me she was passing. I felt the pain go as she slipped away.
Andrew. Bless you all keep strong.
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Andrew I was so touched by your story and the loss of Lesley. Sending love and hugs to you and your family.
Debbie X
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Andrew, please don’t feel guilty about anything. It sounds like you did everything you could for your wife and Sam is probably right that she waited for you to be in a happy place.
We know you have difficult times ahead but take the support offered by friends and family, you need people to lean on.
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A wonderful message Andrew. So very moving and so amazing that somehow you, your body even, knew when the time came. There is also a strong train of thought that people often die when their loved one isn’t there…perhaps they can’t let go when they witness you being there. Even though that loved one is being as strong as they can be,
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Andrew, my heart goes out to you. Just lost for words on reading your sad story. One thing’s for sure, you should definitely not be feeling guilty.
Fate sometimes plays tricks on us,or like you say, it was all planned.
Wishing you comfort and strength
So sorry Andrew so very fresh and new for you, we are all here for each other and if need be let the ramblings continue we all understand and we have all done and possibly will do our own ramblings from time to time, if it feels right do it, need to vent then let it all out, none of us will ever judge you in anyway…blessing for the coming days and weeks as they will be hard, for you and Sam lean on each other.
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thanks everyone for your support. I do need it.
The mind is a complex biological machine. Sleep at the moment is filled with thoughts of Lesley and things I should have and could have done,. Things others should have spotted earlier and maybe just maybe she might have been treatable. I have no idea why I am having these torturous thoughts, probably guilt… But your kind words about not feeling guilty may I hope stop this destructive mental road I am on.
Let get today done and I promise I will have some happy thoughts of her over the day as I prepare a plot for the fruit trees we agreed to plant for her. I will also put a bench there to sit.
Call me sentimental as I am. I am also converting her old wellies to plant pots, funny I bought her some new hunters three years ago but she always preferred the battered old green ones that are almost 15 years old.
they will sit by the bench.
Memory Wellies, she would have told me I was silly doing something like that.
Day three… time seems to have slowed down, the days used to fly by, now they appear to be longer.
Thanks everyone… take care and as monty python sang… always look on the bright side of life … sums it up.
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Thinking of you Andrew as I can empathise with what you are feeling at present… feelings emotions all over the place some rational others completely irrational… I do love the thought of Memory wellies that made me smile… I have a memory bear my daughters got made out of Frank’s work t-shirt as they had the logo of his company on them… he sits on back of seatee and also makes me smile when I look at him … great to be a part of a group that understands what your experiencing at present I find it very helpful… take care
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