Good evening everyone!
Haven’t posted for a while because I have been struggling a little lately and haven’t had anything to say which might be of help but I wonder if any of you saw The Real Marigold Hotel on Wednesday? One of the people taking part is the actress Susan George who lost her husband seven years ago…she was commenting on how much he would have enjoyed India, how very much she missed him still but how she felt he was always with her and she touched her heart and her head as she spoke. It was very spontaneous and actually rather beautiful. It made me cry but it also comforted me…she has managed seven years, I have only managed two and many on this site are just beginning their journeys…we will always carry our loved ones with us as we try to carve out a different existence from the one we had hoped for and nothing can ever take that away from us. Take care everyone x
Hello Lesleym
Firstly I am so very very sorry for your loss of one of the most important loved people in your life . I lost the love of my life June 30th and just can not accept the slippers waiting by the front door wont be filled. I still think Oh I must tell … and suddenly think I cant tell him, we ran everything pass each other and now I cant. I never had a girlie thing with friends going on holidays etc everything for me was with Roy, even though he had his pub and mates I was the home maker and so loved cooking and keeping house for him. How do we carry on without the person that made our world and life worth it x
Hello Lesley, I have read a number of the replies and I think I have been through every emotion described and still doing so. I can only say it does get better you will become stronger over time. Unfortunately, it takes time for the hollow feeling, emptiness and lack of sense of purpose to ease. I lost my wife 14 months ago and I am still going through it. I hope in time you will be able to cope and look towards the future. All the best at a difficult time. Alan.
Hi Pegi and Kate
Yes a lovely idea. I chose not to a grave or scatter my husband’s ashes in one place, away from home. Instead I have various items all around the house and garden, pictures and momentos everywhere. There is no right or wrong thing to do, and I wanted my husband still here with me, with loved ones around him forever. I find comfort in believing he is still here with me, I certainly talk to him all the time. Our departed loved ones are all around us, in our hearts, our thoughts and minds.
Sue xx
Hello Rox
I am so saddened by your message as I feel exactly the same. My husband I were best friends, soul mates. We chatted all the time, enjoyed just being together. He died on the 2nd July, suddenly, of a heart attack, whilst at the gym. I was in the pool. We were going to the post office that afternoon to get our renewal passports done. We had a big winter holiday booked. He looked so good. He was 58. My doctor says I’m in shock and to just do whatever I can. I am experiencing panic attacks, shakes and feeling really isolated. The stomach churning I feel is worse at night and early morning. My family and close friends want me to move up to the Midlands, just on a rental basis until I feel I can cope a bit better as I’m in Cornwall where we had moved to retire. We didn’t have children. Maybe I will rent a little place so when I get one of my regular meltdown sessions I can be close to those who love and care. At least I can come and go and not make any silly decisions. Also how could I sell. I can’t throw his clothes or shoes away. Just looking at his clothes and holding them makes me cry but also comforts me. It’s so hard. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and be back living our beautiful life together. I miss him so so much. It’s hard to imagine how life can bring any joy now or in the future. He was my whole life.
It’s the hardest thing we will ever do isn’t it
Xxx
Hi,
Reading your message takes me back 11 weeks. The day my life changed, I don’t even recognise myself now. Why does all these horrific things happen, what have we, and our loved ones done to deserve it. I just don’t understand, me and my husband were just so happy, living our lives happy and contented. I would give anything to go back to my old life.
A temporary move might be a good idea, you need family and friends around you.
I hope it works out for you.
Lesley
Thank you Lesley
I often feel frustrated and angry too. Why us? What have we ever done to deserve this? All we did was make each other happy, love and care for each other. It seems so cruel to remove one person from that pair and leave the other one here. We were 2 halves of one whole so now I’m struggling so much, as you are too.
It’s hard to know what to do. When I’m on my own I feel so lonely, but when I’m in a group and they are lively, I feel just as lonely. I’m better talking to one or two people at a time or I’ll get overwhelmed and panicky. Carl and I didnt have to do a lot. We were content. But now people are saying … join that walking group, go to that class, etc etc. It’s such an effort. I’m not eating or sleeping well so how am I supposed to do exercise classes, Aqua classes and walks in order to mix with people. Grief is so debilitating. In my positive moments I try and think a week away would be nice but then the thought panicks me. I suppose it’s early yet but I’m so tired of this new life. I didn’t choose it and don’t want it. It’s like being forced into a fast water slide that takes you into a massive tsunami that calms for a short while and starts all over again.
At least we can talk to each other and we understand. Take care xx
This site is good, but it feels like we have been forced to join a club that we didn’t want to be a member off.
I’m not being ungrateful, I do get a lot out of it.
Lesley
I am truly sorry for you .when I read your story I can relate to it so much Roy had cancer went through a massive operation and treatment had a scan 9 months later in may to be told they were elated they had got all the cancer and he was well and truly cured we were so happy we booked our yearly villa holiday in cyprus which we had to cancel the year before Roy was always like a excited little boy at Christmas and holiday times. I didn’t think Roy was well enough when it came time to go as he was still loosing weight and not wanting to eat we were given complan and apt with hospital for our return. Roy insisted the weather and pool would do him good and so we went June 18th .Roy worried me as still not eatting and getting weaker I had to make the decision to take him home even against his wishes. We got back home June 22nd and Roy was in hospital 24th and was extremely tacicardic after a few days when heart settled he had tests to say the cancer was back and now gone to his lung and could only offer him chemo but no cure .Roy opted for the chemo but he went down hill so fast he passed away June 30th.
I can not accept it all as we had so many plans Roy was 63 I am 60 this year we had paid mortgage early to enjoy our long awaited retirement together I just don’t
know if I will ever enjoy life again and as you all Roy’s things are still as they were .
I pray for you and all of us going through this sad time and hope one day thinking of them brings comfort instead of the dred of living without them.
Sending love to you xx
I am truly sorry to read your sad comments. It sounds like Roy fought a long hard battle and tried to cling onto life and some normality. My husband William’s illness followed a very similar course, this dreadful disease seems to affect every family you speak to.
You feel robbed of your retirement years together. We were both self-employed and worked really hard towards a time when we could spend free time together, and now it all seems so pointless. Yes, I have a lovely home, a car and some savings, for which I am very thankful, but the whole centre of my world has been taken away and all these things no longer matter to me.
Your words strike a cord with me totally.
Take care and kindest regards . Elaine x
I think you are right Lesley ~ its a club no one wants to join, you wouldn’t invite your worst enemy to take part…but it helps to vent your feelings to understanding people, people who sadly know exactly where you are coming from.
Elaine x
Hi
Firstly I’m so sorry for your loss.
My wife also died on 2nd of July with cancer she was 51 and no symptoms.She only got three weeks from diagnosis till passing. I’m going through exactly what you are and can’t cope.
Take care
William
You’re absolutely right Sue, we must do whatever brings us even a grain of comfort. I too am surrounded by photos of my husband and talk to him all the time. I even spray his deodorant just so I can smell him… Much love xx
Hi Yes I do that too, spray his deo, put on his music, talk to him. I know his answers, I hear his voice, I smell his skin, I know his jokes. And I will never let that go. I am 3 years from losing Gary, and I miss him every day. To everyone in this thread, I have felt desolation, anger, despair and every other emotion you have all mentioned. There is nothing more that I want, other than to be with him again. And I am one of the lucky ones. I have a beautiful family, tons of friends, two dogs, and I can work when I like. And you will all know what I mean, when I say that people tell me, ‘ah well, you have your family/friends etc’. They don’t understand, bless them, it doesn’t take one bit of the pain away that you are feeling.
I am sending out a big hug to all of you. Please take each day as it comes. If you want to hide and not answer the door or phone, then don’t. If you don’t want to eat, then don’t. It does become easier. Not the pain of losing, your hearts have been broken. Some of us completely heal, for others we will always have a chip there. But life can become happier again, honestly.
Nobody knows what it is really like, unless it has happened to them. So keep talking to those who really understand, it really helps. I have only just found this site, and it’s helping me say things I never have before. Strangers are sometimes the best friends.
Sue xxxx
Hello LinF. My heart goes out to you and everyone else in this conversation. I can relate to everything you have said - my husband too died from a sudden heart attack in his sleep. I was awakened by a very strange sound and instinctively knew something was wrong. I rang 999 and performed CPR on him until paramedics arrived. They did manage to get my husband’s heart beating again but unfortunately he had been down for too long and suffered catastrophic brain damaged - he never regained consciousness. Like your husband, mine was very fit and healthy and had recently retired. He was a keen cyclist and had been on a ten mile ride that day. Everything was normal, no prior warning, nothing. Yes, Lin, you will be in shock, no doubt about it and 14 months later I’m still in shock. People say what a way to go but not for those of us left behind. Through PALs, I made an appointment to chat with a hospital consultant to try and understand how a fit and healthy man could suddenly suffer a fatal heart attack. It did help enormously. We had many plans and projects. I’ve continued with the projects around the house and it’s kept me very busy. Distraction is helpful. Fortunately I hadn’t retired and work has been my saviour. It’s the only bit of normality in my life, this life I neither wanted nor asked for. I thought we would grow old together. The only advice I would give Lin is to not make any rash decisions while you are in such a vulnerable way. I send so much love to you. Xx
Such wise words Sue, thank you. They made me cry - but crying comes easily these days and I never was a crier. I have read every response in this conversation and I thank you all for opening up and actually convincing me I’m not going barmy. Nobody, but nobody can possibly understand this kind of loss unless it’s happened to them. Family and friends are a godsend but they can’t really understand the pain, the physical pain, the mental pain, the emotional pain. You all can and do. Thank you. Much love to you all. Xx
Hi CK
Thank you for your support. I am so so sorry for your loss. And yes I know people say what a way to go but Carl didn’t want to go anywhere but back home with me that day. I had just got out of the pool and they were performing CPR. The 999 call had been made. I have images of him on the gym floor and as the paramedics and air ambulance doctor came in they must have wanted me to shush, as I remember sitting on the floor holding his hand and shouting for him to stay. They tirelessly worked on him for around 40 minutes but to no avail. My life was shattered in an instant. The post-mortem revealed coronary artery disease. He had no symptoms. He went to the gym 3 times a week, and went walking over the cliffs for 5 miles regularly. He had done the 3 peaks twice, and the Dartmoor challenge. I called him my Peter Pan as he looked young. He certainly didn’t look 58. He didn’t drink or smoke and ate healthily. Tragic. We had both retired early, me at 52 and Carl at 55. We had made the most of it. We loved our holidays and had been to the US, Mexico and Asia. I’m just so pleased we did it early. I just thought we would have many years to come. We bought our home in Cornwall as our old age retreat and loved it but it’s very quiet. I am like you I’m still arranging for the little jobs we had planned to be done…painting the bungalow coastal blue, finishing the Cornish garden and in my mind I know I’ll eventually carry on travelling, but I’ll have to find someone to travel with. Don’t want big groups. Most of my friends are still working.
I have moments of positivity when I know Carl is with me saying you’ll be ok Lin, and then moments of complete despair. I’m in Birmingham this weekend and staying with a friend in Warwick for 3 days before going back home. Having to make tough decisions is so hard when you’ve been sharing them all your life. These decisions are also to be made when we are at our most vulnerable. I’m glad I’ve joined here though. We are all in this tsunami flung boat together and can at least help each other with the storms we are in. Lots of love and thanks for all your support.
Xx
It sounds to me that you’re doing everything as well as you can. It is still so raw for you Lin. One’s grieving will always be unique to the individual and yet so much the same. Just keep on doing what you’re doing. What you were, you are. What you had, you have. Nobody can take away your memories or the joyous love you shared. After my husband’s funeral, someone came to me and said that she had personally never known such love as me and my husband had shared. That person made me feel blessed, even at the height of my grieving. I felt sad for her… Much love Lin x
Lesleym
i’m sorry to hear of your pain you are going through it is very very early days give yourself time please cry freely don’t hold back tomorrow is 5 months since i lost my hubby and then i lost the dog the week after she could’n’t live without him i went on anti depressants which i was dead against but being silly i’ve tried to come off them n i feel i’m just back to where i was in the begining your hubby or partner was your life we are’n’ going to get over them just like that but i try to think how lucky i was to have met him he was mine and we was so happy totally head over heels with each other so i try to remember this when i’m down which is very often some people get married and 6 months after very unhappy so think how lucky you was to have him in your life and he was all yours and he picked you ! please try to think of this when your down i made a photo book of steve just him funny snaps holidays when i was being silly i look at these how happy he was just a thought this might help you i look at them nearly every day it does seem a life time i speak to him every day told him to wait for me i fall out with him cos he left me think we all go more or less the same i hope i have been of some comfort sending you a big hug jojolee xxx
Thank you, I think it will help me in time to think like you, but I’m not there yet. I’m just so sad and angry at the moment. I’m totally lost and lonely. It feels like I’m stuck in a maze, and I can’t work my way out. I am getting so many panic attacks, which is new to me, I never had them before.
I know he picked me, and we had nearly 40 years together. I just can’t bare not being with him. I have my kids, and they are great, but it’s not the same.
Thanks again, it’s very kind of you.
Lesley