Does it ever get any better ?

Losing a partner
41

Hello Lesleym,
I’m so very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband almost 25 weeks ago this weekend, strange how we count the weeks, his name was Richard too. We were married for 34 yrs.
I really cannot remember how I felt at around 8 weeks, tine seems to go by so quickly.
My heart goes out to you, it is a long time without seeing and touching them.
I find comfort in talking to photos of my husband and I bring indoors cut flowers from the garden that I grew this year and I talk to him about how I grew them especially for him.
I also planted two Remembrance roses, I call the red one Richard’s Rose, it’s real name is ‘ Loving Memory ‘

My sister used to tell me off in the beginning for not finding anything of interest to do during the day, what people especially family, fail to understand is that the grief consumes each and every part of us and it’s only now I find myself a little bit more motivated to do things that I enjoyed before but only do a little bit now and then. Only we can tell when we are ready to do things.
I baked a cake last night. It felt like a marathon.

In the very beginning I felt I was coping but as time went by it became extremely difficult, I suffer with anxiety and have done since a teenager and it got worse when Richard passed away.
I can relate to the distressed feelings you are going through, I used to have ‘ desperate’ feelings not knowing where to turn.
I say ‘ used to’, things have improved a little despite my being housebound with severe agoraphobia.
I used to dread seeing visitors leave as it meant loneliness and emptiness again, now I’m sometimes glad when they go as it means I can rest up, I still get exhausted and tired with company but it is nice to see people and family.

We will all go through our grief at different paces and the time will vary, it will be in stages and it comes in waves.
I too used to sit crying for hours but now I find that I’m beginning to accept that I am alone and the crying has become less, I do get tearful at times when memories come to mind.
It does not mean that I’m trying to forget my husband, that will never happen, it just means to me that I am starting to move on although at a snail’s pace.
I did have a patch when I felt I wasn’t coping well at all and saw my Dr. He said that there was nothing he could do to help, that this is something only I would go through in my own way and in my own time, he said there are no rules and recommended counselling.
I have my 6th and last counselling session next week with Sue Ryder. The counsellor I have is marvellous, it has helped me so much to cope at this most difficult time and to understand and deal with all the feelings that accompany our grief.
Of course I still feel lost without my husband and miss him so much.

Please know I’m thinking about you and hope you will find your own way through this terribly painful time. It will ease, I know it sounds impossible just now, it was for me too but it will.
Take care and look after yourself, eat well and rest, ‘ listen to your body ‘. I wake earlish and get tired by afternoon, I do go for a nap and don’t feel guilty about it.
Take care,
Love, Pegi x

42

Hello Pegi, Your response hit a cord with me. My feelings are exactly the same as yours, and the words you wrote are so thoughtfully written. Love Elaine xx

43

It does become easier, Lesley, but it takes time. What you are experiencing now is the shock of your loss, both physical and mental. There will be more to come, in disposing of his clothes and personal things, before you reach the stage of acceptance, which is the key. This is when you finally recognise the fact that your loved one will not be coming home again. Until then, as I discovered, life is hell and seems hardly worth living.

But it is, even though you’ll still have those days of what I call the black dog, when you appear to be back at square one. But these become less frequent as grief declines into sorrow, then sadness before reaching a stage of gentle mourning. And this never ends, nor would you wish it to, because that would leave you guilty of feeling that you didn’t love him any more.

Think of this: he is at peace and without pain and he wouldn’t want you to suffer as you are doing.It helped me enormously, also, to think that “Grief is simply love with nowhere else to go.” Eventually, you’ll reach a stage where a lovely Maori proverb becomes most apposite: “Put your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you.”

All this may seem far-fetched just now but, believe me, it will happen. You will live again, although your life will never be as it was.Nor can it be. All you can do now is be brave, because it is what he would have wished for you.

2 Likes
44

Hello Elaine.
I am sorry for your loss.
May I ask at what stage you are in your grieving please.
It is very comforting to know that one isn’t alone with these feelings as when they happen it makes one feel so alone in this world.
Today I woke with that familiar ‘ knot in the stomach’ feeling which to me means the pain is back and needs an ‘ outlet’.
Love, Pegi X

45

Hi Pegi
Your words are so deep and thoughtful , you express so well how many of us feel. After 3 years the ‘knots’ in my stomach are not quite so bad, and I can feel happiness at times. But I still feel the light has gone from my life, and I only really want to be with my husband again. I miss him so much and feel so alone. How do we know what stage of grief we are at.
Love Sue x

46

So many beautifully written responses and I can pick bits from them all which I can relate to. Our grief is unique but so much is alike. Please allow me to share the following poem with you all:

Sometimes, when the sun goes down, it seems it will never rise again… But it will.

Sometimes, when you feel alone, it seems your heart will break in two… But it won’t.

And sometimes, it seems it’s hardly worthwhile carrying on…But it is.

For sometimes, when the sun goes down, it seems it will never rise again… But it does.

Sending lots of love to you all and always remember: What you and your loved ones were, you still are and What you had, you still have. Cx

2 Likes
47

After six months without him, when I look at all the photos (mainly digital) of places we went, nearly all of him, I feel the truth of what you say: we are still what we were and I still have that. This is the verse I feel then:

Into my heart an air that kills
From yon far country blows:
What are those blue remembered hills,
What spires, what farms are those?

That is the land of lost content
I see it shining plain,
The happy highways where I went
And cannot come again.

Lynn x

1 Like
48

Hi,
Thanks everyone for your responses. I hear what your all saying, I wish I could take comfort from things, but I just can’t. I seriously don’t know how I get up each day, I go to bed really late, and am up around 5/6 am. I don’t really eat, so losing loads of weight. It feels like I’m fading away gradually. I didn’t think you could die of a broken heart but I think you can.
I have my wonderful children, and family in and out. I spend the whole time dreading them leaving, I was never like that. It really is a living nightmare. I get on my own nerves being like that his, so I don’t know what my family think about it. It sounds like I’m being ungrateful but that’s not true. I do try and hold it together when people are around. It’s when I’m on my own, I have horrible thoughts.
I’m on my own today, and I’m so anxious and scared that this is it, my new life !
If this is it, I don’t want it.

Am I normal, or have I lost the plot completely?

Lesley

49

You are normal, its the shock of whats happened which has torn your world upside down but something will happen which will help you cope as i was feeling like you and on top had her children trying to force me out of the house i shared with her for nearly 12 years and was struggling really struggling but for some reason my disabled adult son with a learning disability decided he did not want to go back to his mam and since that day he helped cope so much and now me and him have our own house together so a new chapter of my life started again i just wish jayne was here as i struggled for years as i was forced by courts not to see my son as he did not want to go back to his mam when he was 15 so through social workers and courts i did not see him for 7 years untill it suited his mam and jayne got me through it so it like a full circle she was then when he was took out of my life and now he back when jayne been taking out of my life, so something will happen i feel to help you cope with your loss.

1 Like
50

Words are beautiful and poignant Lynn and bring some comfort, whether it be poetry or prose. I find myself searching constantly, even writing my own. It’s good to write our feelings down and then perhaps in a year or so compare and see how far we’ve come…much love Cx

1 Like
51

Words are beautiful and poignant Lynn and bring some comfort, whether it be poetry or prose. I find myself searching constantly, even writing my own. It’s good to write our feelings down and then perhaps in a year or so compare and see how far we’ve come…much love Cx

52

Hi
Thank you Alan, don’t know how you do it, I admire your strength. It makes me seem pathetic. I am trying to be strong, just failing, but still trying.

Lesley

1 Like
53

Such beautiful touching words Kate all of them I can relate to.
Love, Pegi x

54

Hi
You’re not failing Lesley and you’re not pathetic.you are like me suffering terribly.I too don’t want my new life and I hope we get the strength to carry on as others have done. Getting out of bed is a start so we can be proud of ourselves for doing that. I to am alone today and return to work for night shift this evening. So will be up for a chat if you need one.
Take care William

55

Thanks William, I will probably hold you to that !

Lesley

56

Hi SueB,
Thanks for your reply and I’m so sorry for your sad loss.
Yes the light has gone out from my life too, I just feel so lost without my husband, he was my ‘ safe’ person and not having him around is a pain that never goes away.
There is no knowing at what stage of grief we are at, it varies from person to person and when you think that you are accepting what has happened, along comes a painful reminder like a letter through the door or seeing his possessions on opening a drawer.
My husband was buried, it was our son’s and my wishes, my husband made no will and passed away suddenly and unexpectedly from a serious illness where I had been his carer, but I’m unable to go to tend to his grave due to a medical condition. This makes me feel guilty but instead I am thinking of making a garden of remembrance for him at home, he loved gardening. I do have a ‘ Grave Care’ person whom I pay to keep it tidy and put fresh flowers on.
It terrifies me to think that he is lying there in the cemetery under all that earth and after almost 6 months I’m still on the planet struggling daily.
I feel as if part of me has been ripped away.
If someone had told me this time last year that by this year I would be pouring my heart out over the loss of my husband I would have freaked out. I always clung to hope although I knew his illness was incurable.
Look after yourself SueB,
Love, Pegi x

57

Pegi, that is a wonderful idea to make a garden of remembrance for your beloved husband. I do visit my husband’s grave, if only to keep it tidy and place flowers but actually I feel nothing when I’m there. David simply isn’t there. At home is where I feel close to him - he is all around me. So make your little garden and I’m sure it will bring you joy and comfort - your little place. Much love x

58

Hello Pegi, I know that “knot in the stomach” you describe so well ~
My dear husband passed away eight months ago.
I’m struggling at the moment as the support I initially felt seems to have disappeared a bit. I think people assume you are coping and of course they get back to their own lives, which, in a way, is right.
You are right to say the grief needs an outlet, and sometimes when I’ve gone through a really difficult stage, as I am at the moment, I feel a little stronger after it.
Love Elaine x

59

Your not pathetic it just shock i had no choice but to carry on my son needed me more than the house i shared with jayne and now things are settling down i can start to at least miss her properly and as i not had really time to grieve i am seeking counselling and if need to you should too.

60

Hello Lesley, What you are experiencing and feeling I think is “normal” ~ why wouldn’t you feel this way, you have lost your husband, the love of your life.
I can totally relate to every word you’ve written. I was exactly the same as this, I lost a stone in weight very quickly after my husband died, and I didn’t have a stone to lose! I couldn’t sleep I was totally exhausted and I’m sure you must feel the same.
It is now 8 months since William passed and I have to say that I am now eating and sleeping better than I was and this has given me a bit more strength. I have really bad days followed by a few good days…
Take little steps Lesley, try to get a bit more sleep and food, be kind to yourself.
Love Elaine x