I’m still early days at only 6 weeks in, but it’s not getting any better for me and reading many of the posts on here, it doesn’t seem to ever get better no matter the time scale. Does it?
I can certainly have better moments if I am not thinking about my wife too much. In other words if I am distracted. But the instant I think about her with any kind of emotion, I am a mess. The pain in my heart is constant though, and every morning and evening especially are so painful. I’m currently existing, not living, and without my soul mate and best friend, I can’t imagine there ever being any real life for me from now on. Will I live out my life without joy?
Does it actually get any better or does it merely get easier to be distracted for longer? I wonder if those of us on here are the types who naturally find it harder, and those who cope better don’t feel the need to come to sites like this, and so therefore we/here, are not a full representation of people in this awful situation.
Has anyone here found the heartache lessens and happiness returns? Or is life effectively over when our soul mates leave us?
Sorry for so many questions. I’m just desperate to find hope this isn’t “it” for potentially another 40 years.
@Flotsom , so sorry for your loss, it is still so early in this horrible journey. Its 15 weeks since my lovely Pete died suddenly. You make some interesting points in your post. I can only answer for me but i still feel i am going through the motions most if the time but i have had some moments of joy. I miss him so much and have a huge lump of heartache inside me all the time. I fear feeling like this for the next 20 years but i am coping, eating more, sleeping better, so there is hope for the future. My therapist said your grief doesnt grow smaller but your life grows bigger around it. I hope this is true. Sending love to everyone grieving.
Thats not long at all 6 weeks ! It wull get easier but you will still be up and down for a while yet ! And as for being like we are … its grief. I didn’t need sites like this before … its the effect grief and loss has on us ! I strongly suggest you read “languages of loss” by sasha bates as she describes the pain of loss so well after losing her husband ! It helped me understand that it wasnt just me when i lost my darling husband xxx
I can only speak for myself, but 6 months in and I relate to your every feeling…I would say I’m worse now as ‘reality’ is kicking in. I feel I’m desparately searching for a way forward, but haven’t found one yet. I have had 12 councelling sessions which have helped to a degree, but I find this forum very helpful. I also recommend ‘Laguages of Loss’ by Sasha Bates and ‘You Are Not Alone’ by Caryad Lloyd. Send best wishes your way
Everything Flotsom said in the first post here, is everything I wonder about too…
Just checked in again this morning, and although I haven’t lost a partner, I lost my mum 8 weeks ago. I don’t think it matters whether it’s a partner or a mother or father or son or daughter, or anyone so close. The grief is still there, no matter what, if you had a strong loving relationship, especially a long one. Your life is changed forever. My mum was everything. I am 53 and spent my whole life with her. I keep busy during the week, but it gets to a weekend again and just little things like not having her here watching the TV in the afternoon with me. Making her regular cups of tea, getting her food ready when she was ill and going out shopping with her on weekend afternoons. It all hurts incredibly. I carry on and keep busy and know that we can only do our best in baby steps. Keep fighting and I hope like everyone else that we can cherish those dear memories and grieve a little less in time. I am also reading books which helps. Hugs to all. xx
Hello @Flotsom
Do you honestly expect the loss to feel any better after only a few weeks or even months. None of us expect such a terrible reaction to losing a loved one. I would say that I was a strong minded person and able to cope. I knew I was going to lose my husband and thought I had prepared myself. I was very wrong… It knocked me sidewards and I became a shadow of my true self with no control and like so many others on here I had to adapt to grieving and the many emotions that went with it. I struggled but was determined that I wanted to come through it. I didn’t want to feel so miserable for the rest of my life. So I welcomed the challenges and one by one I went through them, Bit by bit I did find that I started to feel better and accept the loss of my husband of 30 years. However I certainly haven’t forgotten him but the memories are happy ones now. I am now four years along and can say that, yes it does get better but I daresay it depends on the individual. I won’t say I’m back to being ‘me’ again but life is certainly much improved to those early days.
So many members talk about a future but why even think about it. The future will look after itself…
P xx
Hi @youareunbelievable, I hope so too because some of the posts on the forum can break your heart. I try my best to convince members that we can continue with a life. Hard work at times but if we can get through grief we can get through anything.
Pat
xx
Yeh you are right … the pain and loss is so hard … and yeh if you were so close to your mum its gonna hurt too … i suppose its just most.of us have a husband or wife we were very close to . Xx
Im totally with you there @UnityMan … im still so lost 7 months in … its so horrible isnt it i still have days when i cant believe hes gone - the love of my life. Im having counselling too - helps to get all those emotions out doesnt it … xxx
Hi flotsom its been 9 months since my wife passed i must be honest and say it will slowly get better but we must all learn to live with it i have just got home from visiting my wife’s grave it’s a 40 mile round trip this does give me a lot of comfort i go once a week ever since her funeral in November just go with the flow and do what you want when you want and how you want don’t be swayed by anyone else because they don’t understand and probably not been through what we are going through look after yourself mate otherwise you will end up in a & e twice like i was for anxiety
Two and a half years ago I lost my hubby suddenly - we were married nearly 50 years so there’s a big part of my life gone -
My life is certainly different now, I think of him daily and miss him so much but the heartache /pain has lessened, never to go completely.
I can’t change what’s happened,
I don’t think of too far ahead as we all know things change in the blink of an eye.
All stories here are individual and very personal, and I found in the early days of joining this forum , I was “soaking up” others grief while trying to come to terms with my own.
I feel exactly the same @UnityMan and @Deb5 I lost my husband and my soulmate 5 months ago very suddenly after only a few days illness,and feel worse now than I did 3 months ago . I really think I was in shock for a those first few months. I still find it hard to believe he’s not coming back. I have great support from family and friends but like others on here it’s only a distraction when you are with people once you are alone again it’s awful, mornings and evenings are so hard. I just cry and can’t believe I’ll never hear his voice or hug him again.
Big hugs to everyone on the horrendous journey we find ourselves on.
I never thought at 58 I would be on it. X
I know … my husband was 60 … thats all ! I loved him so much … its just a never ending road of misery … i hope i can find some joy one day … but im same as you cry a lot … what else can we do … x
Thank you for so many replies. I’m not expecting to feel better at such an early time, but I think I came to this site for two reasons. First, some comfort in the short term, and second for reassurance there is hope for the longer term. I’ve certainly had comfort in the short term from so many lovely people, and I’m very grateful. But I’ve noticed more and more posts about the pain actually getting worse as time progresses. I’ve even spoken to people in real life, some of whom are many years in to this horrible experience, and they too say the pain never lessens, it just becomes easier to distract your thoughts. I think that scares me.
I would love to think things get better and this excruciating pain is temporary. I’m just not seeing the evidence for that in my current state. Do we really all have to endure this until we also pass over? Or do people really get past the pain, but as such are not inclined to visit sites such as this and therefore we are not hearing their stories? Perhaps a question that can’t be answered.
Thank goodness this site is here!
P.S. Thanks for the book suggestions. I will definitely read.
My neighbour lost her husband 7 years ago. She tells me she still has the odd bad day but that it does get better and I will get through it. She is now positive and cheerful with a full life. I look forward to being like her and feel I will be with her and my neighbours support. I do wish one neighbour wouldn’t compare her recent divorce with my bereavement. Particularly as her husband lives close and still comes round to take her shopping etc.
When I first joined I didn’t really know what to expect - probably hoping for support, advice, reassurance, some positivity etc.
While coming to terms with my own grief, I found in reading others stories didn’t initially help me. I’m sure I’m not alone in saying that.
Yes, the posts can be depressing but grief is a very personal & individual emotion to deal with.
i still have days when i cant believe hes gone - the love of my life. Im having counselling too - helps to get all those emotions out doesnt it … xxx