I know my husband has passed, I remember that day very clearly. I remember the funeral. His ashes are still here with me …… so why do I struggle to believe it? Why do I sometimes believe that if I think about him hard enough he will suddenly walk through the door.
In my mind I relive conversations we might have had and each time I’m agreeing with him, eager to please, eager for him to be happy.
Then I realise it doesn’t matter what I think, it’s not going to change the reality.
I get moments where I reach for my phone to see if he’s text me then I remember he’s gone and the time that he used to come home from work and find me in the garden sometimes I think I can hear him, I long for those moments back but they’re gone forever, it’s heartbreaking and such a struggle to carry on, but I do and alone and find it comforting to read the posts so I know I’m not going crazy
I wouldn’t wish this suffering on anyone but I’m so glad I’m not the only one going through it …… does that sound awful or crazy or bad??
Bereavement has changed me as a person at this moment in time. For example, I love my sisters to bits but I am so jealous of them having their husbands/ partners around and when they are moaning about them, just as I probably did during my marriage, I really what to tell them to stop being so ungrateful and stop complaining.
Talk about feeling sorry for myself
Hi Dee64
I SO understand what you’re saying about feeling envious of your sisters. I feel the same about my siblings and friends who have husbands and partners but who moan about them to me or roll their eyes in irritation about them - I feel like saying “for God’s sake be grateful for what you have!!”.
My lovely kind partner Sunny died in June this year. He was only 57 and he was my life. We loved each other so much and had so many plans. I sometimes think I hear his footstep at the front door and my heart skips a beat, but it’s only the postman or someone putting a leaflet through the postbox. Just my wishful thinking and my brain playing cruel tricks…
I’ve just started reading " It’s OK That You’re Not OK" and I’m finding some comfort there. It’s written by a psychotherapist who lost her husband very young. I’d recommend it.
Love to you and all of us
Sophie x
I’m finding it so hard to imagine my life without my husband,lying awake now thinking of him havnt had the funeral yet,keep thinking of things I have to do.Yes it is a struggle to believe they have gone and not coming back,keep thinking of the plans we had,imagining him sat in his chair,I feel physical pain my heart is broken,51 years we were married I can’t believe I will never hear his voice again,never knew there was this much heartache
@Dee64 No that sounds OK to me, not awful, or crazy, or bad. And if you can’t say so here where can you. I’ve done precisely the same thing. You’d have to be a Saint not to. I saw my neighbours trotting back from the garden centre together with a stack of plants for the garden, then fiddle about for ages deciding where to plant them. I found it completely sickening. I suppose that makes me evil and bad too. Then in the next minute found myself beating myself up for thinking of all the times when I couldn’t be bothered to take a trip out together, didn’t feel like it ( aw diddums ) and so on and on and on. I’m sure you too spend as much time beating yourself up as you do feeling sorry for yourself. Nuts isn’t it.
My husband, Ian, died 16 weeks ago tomorrow and I still can’t accept what has happened.
I find myself crying out that it can’t be true.
I’m all alone with family over a two hour drive away and no close friends. I spend hours sat in our favourite place by a river just wishing he was there with me.
As to the future, it fills me with dread.
Another heartbreaking day without my husband,I understand what you are saying Dee64,I keep thinking of silly arguments we had people say think of the good times.I have the funeral next week trying to do the best I can for him,then people go back to their lives how do we carry on, I have great adult children helping me but after being married for 51yrs its my husband I need he was my person to turn to,I’m so desperately unhappy can’t stand feeling like this every day
The same again this morning and overwhelming feeling of grief,heartbreak, don’t think I can live like this,havnt had his funeral yet but can only imagine the emptiness after,what’s the use of living like this,my family try to keep me going and I love them but when you’ve been with someone over 50yrs it’s to hard
I’m not sure if this will help as I would never have imagined that I would be able to write this but despite the heartache and immense pain and sadness it does get a little more tolerable as time passes. Yes it’s very hard to believe that its at all possible. For me it was only really noticable when I looked back over the months and realised actually I’m not crying as much. Yes, I’m still crying and still desperately missing Martin and so so wish things were different but there is a slight shift in my well being.
Please keep posting and we will try to lift you through these dark moments. Its still very very early days for you.
Bless you, I feel your heartache, Maybe it’s thoughts of the upcoming funeral that’s making you anxious, take your time, be kind to yourself, it’s a journey none of us want to be on, somehow we find we are travelling it in our own way, different every day, accept each day as it comes, an for what it is, tomorrow’s will come.
Hugs Chrissy3
Thank you for the kind messages,I know I’m not alone on this journey so many out there feeling the same,never knew heartache could feel like a physical pain,I’ve lost close family over the years but to lose my husband I find so hard to believe its happened
Sat here on my own feel so lonely without my lovely husband,after over 50yrs together Iknow exactly what we would be doing if he was here,having a nice meal watching TV,the pain of him not being here is unbearable,I’ve been trying to keep busy so much paperwork to sort but I’m dreading what I will do next week after my love’s funeral.Is it just me but I feel guilty not telling him how much I loved him more often,need to speak to him so much,I can’t imagine my life without him keep trying to pretend he’s still here,oh I miss him so much
I’m so sorry you’ve had to join this site but rest assured you are amongst friends who will know exactly how you are feeling. It’s such early days and my heart goes out to you.
As everyone here will tell you, take each day as it comes and don’t expect too much of yourself. Everyone grieves in their own way and time.
My husband, Ian, passed away unexpectedly 16 weeks ago and I’ve decided to have grief counselling as I can’t cope on my own anymore.
People tell me there will be light at the end of this tunnel of grief but at the moment all I can see is the darkness.
Keep posting on here as I’ve found it does help me to express my feelings and talk about Ian. Sadly, I’ve found that as time passes some family and friends drift away or close the conversation down when I try and talk about Ian.
Just remember you are not alone on this awful journey that none of us wanted to undertake.
I wish I could do something to take away your pain….
I know how overwhelming that sense of despair, darkness and loneliness can be. I have found it difficult to breathe at times, something I have never experienced before.
Please feel you can private message me if you wish to.
Take care of yourself and remember we are all here for you
x Julie
I know you’ve been here,nobody should have to go through this it’s the thought of going on feeling like this for ever its a physical pain,thanks for understanding x
It feels like it’s a rough night for us all. I’ve had a very tearful evening. And I think the reason is purely because I feel everyone around me is busy getting on with their life’s and chatting about everyday things and anyone in my company carry on as though everything is normal and I want to scream at them and say this isn’t normal and how can you carry on as though my husband didn’t exists. Why aren’t you missing him like I am??
Tonight I’m exhausted as I have spent so many days holding all my emotions in, pretending I’m ok and I guess it’s just caught up with me.
Thank you for letting me rant xx
