Hi all
Just wanted to maybe hear from people if they have found time does help. I lost my wife only 2 weeks ago and I don’t know if I will ever be happy again. I put on a brave face in front of the kids but in my head & heart is a different story.
Many thanks
Hi collierd
I’m 14 months into this and although the horrific pain of the few weeks has eased I can’t imagine being happy any time soon but who knows. Lets hope there will be something to look forward to in the future that for the moment isn’t visible.
Wishing you all the best for you and your family.
Tom
Let’s hope Tom without hope what we got mate.
@collierd1 Hi, it’s been around 3 and half years for me and things do get easier, well that’s my experience. I found that it went along the lines of:
Year 1: Terrible, all the firsts give a bit of focus but it really was a very difficult time
Year 2: Adrift, nothing left to focus on as all the firsts are over, some say worse than the year 1 and in ways I agree but a different kind of terrible.
Year 3: Acceptance, with therapy I was able to work through a lot of the above experiences and find some kind of peace.
Year 4: Life beginning again, a new normal if you will, still missing my wife but seeing value and joy in the world around me.
This has been my experience as I remember it, I have abbreviated and summarized in a very extreme way but this i would say is it in its essence. I can’t say this will be your experience or the experience of anyone else, but in short things have got easier, I have found ways to carry my grief and now feel that there is a future on the horizon.
So sorry for your loss @collierd1
I lost my wife 18 months ago but my children are adults with kids of their own. I can’t begin to imagine what it’s like for you with young children. My heart goes out to you.
It’s early days for you so, the best advice is just try to look after yourself and your kids. Stay hydrated, eat sensibly and regularly, try to exercise and make sure you rest. That’s all I could do for the first 3 months but I didn’t have anyone else to look after.
There will be a time in the months ahead when you may feel the need to share the pain you are feeling with someone you trust. Some experts say grief needs to be witnessed before real healing can begin. I did this at 4 months and it did help me.
This is a long road you’re on now. Don’t think you’ll be on it for a few weeks or months; you’ll be on it for years. They say you never get over your grief and pain; you just learn to live with it.
There are some very helpful videos and articles to help you understand your grief. Let me know when you feel ready to look at these and I’ll point you in the right direction.
Well put @Walan
Thank you walan really appreciate your comments. It’s very early days for me we are all pulling together as a family and I have returned to work which has helped keep my mind busy. It’s the nights and weekends I have struggled with even though I am never alone and have people around me all the time it’s them looks,smiles and conversations i can’t replace that my wife gave me but I will find a way for my children but am worried can I find away for myself.
Many thanks
Thank you very much. I know I will never recover and wouldn’t want to ever forget what a wonderful mum and wife she was but I also know she would want me to one day be happy. I can make sure I do my best for are children that’s was her fist wish but the second part of me finding happiness again will be so much more difficult. I will be in touch about them videos sound as though they could be helpful.
Many thanks
@collierd1 Mate as you say it’s very, very early days for you. It’s brutal at the start and I wish i could tell you that things will take an upturn but really to begin with it’s a shitshow. Try to focus on the now, what you and your kids need to get through the first few days, weeks, months, but don’t forget to take care of yourself. I know it’s difficult to acknowledge but this is a new life now and all you can do is work it out as you go along. Coming on here is a very good start, everyone on the site is in the same boat as you, there’s no judgement, only people like yourself trying to work out how to move forward. In one way or another we were all where you stand now, broken, confused and lost. It’ll take time to work out what it is you want to know, how you want to live, be patient with yourself, and if you feel it helps keep posting, someone is always here to listen and reply. You will find a way, one step, then the next.
Thank you walan means a lot. I find speaking to family and friends helps but there is a niggling thought always at the back of my mind say”you don’t have a clue what I am going through “ but talking on sites like these feels more helpful as there are so many people who are also struggling and trying to find a way.
Many thanks
No, they don’t have a clue, but then again neither did I till I found myself here. They will want to help but you have to tell them what you need, be honest, I found it helped, you’ll find out who can help you and often it’s those you expect the least that come through. Yeah places like this are a real eye opener, people helping strangers, turns out after all we’re all in it together.
Collierd1 - I’ve found that keeping busy/going out as much as possible/exercising etc. etc. has been the only way for me to survive. Whether it will all hit me later, if something prevents me from being active, I don’t know.
Collierd1 ……this site has always been my first line of support.
Hi Bonnie I agree, I think exercise and walking are the best for calming the soul. Keeping busy helps to keep your mind occupied but exercise is the best. I’ve often come home with the dogs from a walk to go back out on my own for another one. It doesn’t stop you thinking or crying but the same time at home is much worse.
Wishing you all the best
Tom
yeah was thinking about exercising again. just before my wife fell ill i would run and do weights but havnt for 3 months didnt feel right doing it but may give it a try.
thank you
hi bonnie
yeah i agree i am finding this a help
thank you
Hi @collierd1 I am not yet 3 months in and have my partners birthday next week which will be tough. Does it get better - yes. Although I have found my emotions shift and change through the weeks which have been the longest three months of my life. The practical and financial has been exhausting and still ongoing. My partner died suddenly after and accident he was recovering from. It was a shock and he rang me and I came straight home to find he had died of a DVT and pulmonary embolism. The paramedics were fantastic. I have found strength like Tom in walking a lot and keeping really really busy. I am fortunate to have things in my life like work and other stuff out of work my Paul wasn’t involved in so I can detach. But I also find that time on my own and thinking time is helpful. I have really had to look after myself physically and have just started to cook again for myself - nothing fancy but moving on from ready meals (much underrated 
) I have days that I can only describe as very flat but the crying has subsided. I take strength from my kids who are 26 and 29 and my stepdaughters (23 and 25) I am very close to (their mum emigrated back to Canada). Particularly Pauls older daughter who lives a 10 min drive away and likes to talk about Paul which is good. I have done a lot of sorting out. Our situation was complicated as we were going to move and decided not to so I have put our home back to normal and unpacked boxes. This gave me a chance to go through all Pauls things and I have put them together in his little computer box room. I have also had to make decisions that were different than what Paul would have decided (we needed a new sofa but I bought one that was what I wanted rather than Paul). I am incredibly lonely and the temptation is to move on faster than I should but I have learned to like my own company and can do things myself. I have tried to talk and get out every day and going back to work after 5 weeks was good, if really hard in the first few weeks. I sometimes nearly turned back crying in the car as I find mornings more difficult but kept going and was glad I did. I try and find time for going through difficult things and take comfort in old texts etc. but when the time feels right. Paul had a bad head injury and serious concussion after his accident and was very vulnerable and I have started to think more about the good times rather than the few weeks before he died. I have been angry, felt guilty, all sorts of emotions. The hardest thing is having to move on yourself but still wanting to grieve. This site has been a lifeline and over the weeks people have posted such a range of feelings and emotions I can totally identify with. I have also found great comfort in people who have been great sources of support that I can be open with a cry in front off and also a few people in my life who are sadly part of our same club that no-one wants to be part of. My patience is low. I sleep too little but things are a little easier. Ah and I have found I can’t drink much alcohol so have almost cut it out. Look after yourself and keep posting and we will keep listening. Nikkix
Hi Nikki
Thanks for your lovely reply means a lot. Sorry for your loss as all of us on this group I understand what you are going through. As you said I am finding keeping busy helps, I have plenty of support and 3 under 20 children to keep going for. You mentioned moving on that I think is what scares me most never having that feeling again you have with your partner, we take all that for granted as most of it is just so natural when you are with them. I am going to keep posting as I feel it’s a great help. Stay strong Nikki chat soon.
Many thanks
Every one keeps telling me that time will heal! I lost my partner 3 weeks ago and I still feel lost i don’t know what to do with myself most of the time but I have 2 children so they keep me busy then when they are asleep I feel so lonely and so lost and that’s when I miss my partner the most its horrible I can’t sleep properly I have not slept properly since it happened, It still doesn’t feel real I still feel like he’s going to walk through the door or call me, I feel like I’ve lost a part of me and feel empty and its so hard having to put on a brave face all the time for the kids and stay strong, I hate this I would do anything to have him back and cuddle him 
Hi lex
Firstly sorry for your loss. I lost my wife 2 weeks ago tomorrow, I have 4 children aged 28,17,15 & 10. She feel ill on 27th of December and passed on 21/3/26 of a short illness from pancreatic cancer. I to tell everyone I am ok and say “ I have to be for the kids” which is true but like yourself when alone or not forcing myself to clean or shop miss her so much. We are both at the beginning of our awful journey and I know I have no other option but to carry on for my children but inside I can’t stop thinking about her. Me and my children went out for dinner tonight and all I could see was Sophie sitting opposite me but kept smiling for the kids. It all seems so fake in my head. I to spray the pillow my wife had in hospital with her perfume and don’t sleep at all then it’s up in the morning fake smile for the kids and carry on. I find it’s the little things you have with your partner that I will never be able to replace the kids are now my life but was so much easier with her little smiles or telling me off for being a man a cheeky cuddle or just the way we spoke to each other. If you need to chat,vent or message please feel free. Like you I can’t see myself ever being happy again but we need to make our partners proud and hope one day we can find some peace inside ourselves.