Does it matter?

I don’t know about you all but things that seemed so important no longer matter, well to me anyway.
Money, posh houses and big cars, Urggg!!! So what! Unfortunately we can’t go to a showroom and buy peace. But peace has become so important. I have very faint spells of it but it’s taken a long time.
Someone I remember reading called material things ‘The baubles of life’. Before all this happened I must confess I was into some form of materiality. Not a lot but some. That has been well and truly knocked out of me. And a good thing too. So something good has come out of this pain.
Of course, we need material things to survive, my car is so useful, but why do we place so much importance on them when we are moderately happy.
Everything that matters to me now is from within and not without. If this ordeal brings home anything it’s that sincerity and love are more important than anything else.
We can still love in grief and in pain. Nothing is ever lost. This process can be one of great pain, but it can also bring out that love that we had for our loved ones and use it to help others in pain.
Love and pain are universal. It’s never ‘my pain’ but ‘our pain’. We share that pain with millions. But it’s very difficult to feel that because this pain becomes very personal. It doesn’t take the pain away to know that so many suffer in this way, but it helps just a little.
So I suppose I am asking, how do we feel about material things in the light of our grief? This is a question for those who have suffered for some time and not for those early in bereavement, although of course it can apply.
In the early days the last thing we want is asking questions, the pain is far too great. Blessings.

Dear Jonathan,

Thank you once again for your sincere thoughts you have shared with us.
This morning I received this from someone I hardly know, hoping it would help me.

       Grief never ends   but it changes,,

        It's a passage, not a place to stay,

        Grief is not a sign of weakness

        Nor a lack of faith

        It is the price of 
                
              LOVE
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Hi Jonathan No, material things don’t matter, but when you are grieving as we are, what really does matter anymore. Whether we have all or nothing is so irrelevant in our lives now. The one thing we all want we can’t have, so our living goes on without a lot of interest in anything anymore.

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Totally agree Jonathan, I was always planning decorating, replacing etc. After Jimmy died I had to really force myself to do outstanding chores, shelving garage with pre tidy, oh how did I put it off!! But have found friends helped me get there and sure Jimmy would be pleased with result. It terms of things on my list of ‘to do’ …no longer any urgency, I budget to to it but if it doesn’t happen it’s fine…so different from my previous approach. I am in the process of changing car only because I have a foot problem which means I need an automatic. But carefully choosing a car that’s gonna be mine for many years, previously I’d change every 3 years. We certainly do see what’s important and what’s not. My challenge is being active and healthy in body and mind, much more rewarding than ‘things’ x

Jonathan, it is very true what you wrote and it’s the first time I have hard that someone else feels the same way. Things that would have mattered have no importance now and I have hard myself say “so what, does it matter?” No, is the answer, not know. I suppose it’s thinking life is to short or just that it doesn’t matter, I am not sure but I do know I have stopped thinking the way I did. I still get my knickers in a twist but that’s not the same. Having said that, I am not sure I even worry when I do. Sad place to be!
Blessings to you S

I agree, it is a sad place to be. I often liken myself to a robot just going through the motions with little feeling then, suddenly, something happens that just lifts me a bit and I know I’m not a robot but a suffering human among many other suffering ones.
My neighbour has girl twin grandchildren of 5 years old, and when they come to their Nans I often talk to them. They are so full of life and crazy. How can I be sad when I see them. I get hugs and kisses and that really lifts me up.
OK, so when they go and I’m back home it’s still hard. But they do remind me that life does go on in spite of how we feel.
I have no intention of making others miserable by adopting a negative attitude.
I know, words may not seem to mean a lot, but it’s the way we use them that matters. Love and sincerity comes through in so many posts.
People who have not suffered as we have also have feelings, and a lot of the lack of communication is caused by not accepting those feelings when in the presence of someone in grief. It may upset them more than we know.
But Susie, not worrying has got to be good. These things no longer matter do they?
Important things have to be dealt with, but they no longer have any real significance in my life. Car tax, insurance, rent etc. all fade into insignificance. They do for me.
My one aim is to come to terms with what’s happened and to eventually get to where I feel it’s worth getting up in the mornings. I’m working on it!!!
Take care everyone. Bless you all.

I am feeling so bad, I feel quite ill with grief, my beloved husband passed away one month ago, we held his funeral Tuesday, of this week. Next week we would have celebrated 59 years of marriage, I know I am not the only one in this situation and I do feel bad for the rest of you who are suffering. Grief is the price we pay for love and is worth every tear. I am sorry, I cannot write anymore.

I am feeling so bad, I feel quite ill with grief, my beloved husband passed away one month ago, we held his funeral Tuesday, of this week. Next week we would have celebrated 59 years of marriage, I know I am not the only one in this situation and I do feel bad for the rest of you who are suffering. Grief is the price we pay for love and is worth every tear. I am sorry, I cannot write anymore.

Mary…
…it is good to see you again as I had noticed you had been missing from here for some time but, how sad i am to read of your news of the loss of your hubby Stan, and after so many years of marriage…

Oh how i wish we had a sending a ((( hug ))) button…

Jackie…

Jonathan…
…I was, i use the word WAS in past tense…very materialistic, and I thoroughly agree with you, as this too had entered my mind since the day i lost my Richard 11th April that nothing matters any more, all the things that i belived i needed, i wanted were all pointless really, all so unimportant now…I have even talked to Richard, promised, him, no begged, that if he comes back ( yes i know that can never be ) that i have told him over and over again," that i promise i will change…"

Jackie…

Jonathan…
…oh they can keep their posh cars, that never interested me but oh what i would give to just have a car, just a runaround as i am living in such a remote place one needs a car…I am now stuck here with my MS disability…

Dear Jonathan

How right you are that things do not matter any more. I also realised how much time we can waste over unnecessary worrying. I watched a person leave a drs surgery yesterday with a very new baby - no doubt there checking something out and I realised how much time in my life I had spent worrying over the children and worrying over Gary. And in the end I lost him with no warning or no sign of anything wrong so all that worrying was lost time. Although I suppose worry equals love too.

We were never materialistic - life was about us - the children and time spent together - going out and having fun or playing a board game or just doing things that cost nothing - days at the sea with a picnic, watching tv, spending time with friends and music. We were careful - we had what we needed but the rest was kept for a rainy day. Well the storm came before the rain and I lost him and so now I am thinking what the heck - if you want to change the house, if you want to change the car, if you want to treat the children - do it - time does not wait. I am still not materialistic - never will be - but why save for that rainy day now as I do not have him to enjoy it with. So I will spoil my children and splash out if I want to before it is too late. I would trade everything to have him back of course - and it is the simple things I miss most - but I am done worrying.

Tricia…
…me too, both myself and Richard would sit and play squabble when he had the three hours time…I had bought an expensive leather swivel squabble board now just sitting there gathering dust, of course i shan’t part with it but doubt it will ever get used again, and even if it did, it would never be the same as it wont be Richard playing it with me…

Jackie…

Jackie, I feel for you not being able to get around and not all taxis can take people with disabilities but try, see if there’s an local association who may be able to assist. Being on your own is bad enough but I can’t think of being in the middle of nowhere as well. Look for help and don’t be afraid to ask. Take care.Sxxx

Oh Mary, what can I say that may help, 59 years is a long time and your heart is truly broken. Yes, we are definitely not the only ones with these feelings of being totally loss and in a permanent fog. We don’t talk about what it’s like to lose your soul mate, so when it happens it’s totally new and very bewildering. Take each day as it comes and just do what feels right for you. That’s the only good thing about being on our own, we don’t need to worry about our loved one. So if staying in bed later than normal is what feels right, just do it. The only thing I would do is eat and drink lots of fluids because we do tend to forget. Life does go on even if we don’t want it to and we haven’t suddenly got two heads even if it feels like it. Time will help but it takes its time, still waiting!
Look after yourself.
Blessings Sxxx

A good question was raised. Some material things we need to be practical. However, whilst I have them if i am not able to share them with my husband they don’t matter any more.

now its more important to find my inner
Peace which I may be able to still share with my loved ones.
We were not materialistic and we had what we needed. So does it matter if i dont go on a big holiday? Or replace my car that is working ok? No.
I came to the conclusion that we are so ill prepared to deal with loss. From an early age we are told what to do if we are lost, or what to do when we lose something. But, what do we know about dealing with the biggest loss? This should be the biggest valuable thing we should aimed to posses. If we were able to handle that loss we would have a more meaningful life.

I would give everything away for extra time with my husband and be able to say what we didn’t have time to say and feel once more that deep love we had for eachother.

We can’t buy peace from a shelve or Amazon, but we can forget the purchasing power and look within this inner peace that must be there where love was is and will be.
So how do i feel about material things in view of my grief.? They don’t matter, i dont want them I can live without them . But cannot live without peace and love for my darling husband.
Not easy to write from the phone so hope this makes sense.

Hello De, extremely well put and it’s just the way I feel. It’s the reason I keep saying “it doesn’t matter” what matters is that inner peace has gone and I can’t see it ever returning. We don’t talk about the big lose or death, so we don’t know what it’s like and without places like this we wouldn’t know if what we are feeling; anyone else is feeling. A strange world but one we have to navigate without our loved one, our soul mate.
Blessings Sxxx

My goodness De, how well put. If what you wrote you did on your phone then what could you do on a laptop?
I have always felt that education is to train kids to be good little citizens, to toe the line and become part part the Establishment. There are no lessons on how to handle the bad things in life. No training in emotional response or relationships, no thought for how to deal with the problems we all face on here. If it’s not ‘fun’ don’t do it!
I am not for one moment suggesting we talk about death in a morbid way. Kids are kids and the age must be right before we gently point out that life is not a free ride. It’s left to families to educate kids about life, but so may families haven’t a clue.
So how do we handle this awful situation? WE don’t! ‘IT’ does. My belief is that we let ‘IT’ take over, however you see ‘IT’. This something beyond comprehension.
We have to allow emotions to come and not feel ashamed we have them. There is no set pattern in this awful journey. For those who can’t feel the presence of a loved one or something that can uplift us remember, you can’t see the air you breathe, but it’s there.
Love never dies and can’t in any way be lost. Never! Can you see it, feel it or smell it? Of course not because it’s an inner feeling. Can you buy it? No way! I find that fact helps me through bad patches that we all have.
Ah yes, De. That inner peace is worth so much more than ‘things’.
“The Peace that passeth all understanding”.
If we try to understand ‘IT’ we won’t get far, but if we allow ‘IT’, without question, into our lives we may find just a little of that peace.
De, you have put how I feel so eloquently. Thank you and everyone who has responded to this thread. You are a great bunch of guys and I’m so glad I found you all. Blessings and hugs.

I don’t think anyone can be prepared for the emotional impact caused by losing one who was in fact part of you. We all share our experience in the different threads, from caring up to losing, losing suddenly, the struggles we have in dealing with it, the little glimpse of ‘light’ on our shared journey. Children are very accepting of death, our grandson, aged 5 visited his Grandpa every day for the 14 days before he died. He talked to him freely and still has done every day over the last 17 months. Interestingly my grandson speaks of feeling Grandpa being with with him in spirit. I have grandchildren with ages ranging from 5 to over 20years and we as a family came together to support each other. We saw first hand how loss of a dear Grandpa affected them. Would ‘preparation’ help them as they are growing up…I can’t see any purpose is such learning. They are already learning, through experience of losing favourite pets, older, though not always, friends and family members. But nothing can prepare you for the loss of a soul mate.

Dear Susie. Thank you for replying.
Our principles to faith were: do good, do your best and be charitable… We did that. We help where help was needed. We worked hard and earnt every penny. But, we were happy to live our 30 years together still in our first little place. We didn’t want bigger for the sake of it or keep up with the Jone’s. managed to enreach our cultural knowledge by travelling when we could and appreciate more the little we had… kept in mind the need to look after for the raining days and our retirement this year. I ask today what for?
I dislike now talking about Isas, interests or how much I am losing If don’t sell my husband’s car soon. That is not important Nothing is important.

My husbands absence IS important.
I have not been too religious but I don’t know why I have this huge need to be alone in a church, a park, my garden, my room, in search of something bigger than big in search of that inner peace, in search of my husband is search for God?
I hurt so much that I am here feeling so lonely and sad even when I am in company.
I didnt appreciate and took for granted my “normal” life. If only I could tell my husband how much he was the centre of my life, my reason to everything. If only I could say how proud i am of him and how i should have said it more often.
This forum and to saddly be part of it has been real life learning and life changing.
Hope we can all find that peace like an initial step for us to deal with our grief.

Love De

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