Group counseling is ok to a point. It can help identify areas that you yourself can work on.
However grief is unique to everyone. Given how many people in the world today would have lost a loved one. Each on their own merits will be effected in a very different way to that of another.
And even more sadly, there will be those who have no suffering at all as there has at some point, been a complete disconnect from the person who has passed
You have to honour your own grief, and never believe those who tell you time is a healer. It’s not. We never stop hurting, it just becomes a little less often.
It’s truly ok to grieve, it speaks so much about the love you had for another human being, and how wonderful and amazing is that.
I am not religious and will never be. But I wonder how/if religion helps believers to feel better quicker. I don’t find belief believable or even that attractive, but others seem to, in some cases. I wonder how it helps them, beyond something about being part of a bigger thing we aren’t meant to understand.
Thank you Dalton for writing and reinforcing that time is not a healer. And I totally agree that it is not.
I had people telling me things in the beginning like “Give yourself time” and " Time is a wonderful healer" I can remember wanting to scream at those words but I felt too weak to utter a word. I kept thinking are they mad or what? Maybe for some people time may be a healer but for me personally I just wasn’t interested in giving myself time to heal.
It’s been 2 and a half years for me since I lost my mum. It’s only now I can honestly say I am living with my grief alongside me in every aspect of my life. I have learnt to make it a part of my whole life and I don’t need time to do that because it’s always there. My mum is always with me which is so lovely.
Matt1 I am religious and believe that my mum has gone to Heaven and that I will meet her again. It helps me to have faith that I will. I believe my mum can see me and is all around me and my family and that she is guilding me. I have had many signs from her.
So many that they could not be coincidences.
I think the important thing is that we find our own way of dealing with grief. What works for one person may not work for someone else so there’s no magic answers. Distractions help. Supportive people in your life, Finding ways of coping in all situations. Listening to others and accepting help when it gets too much. Keeping your loved one’s memory alive because it shows the love you shared. Making them still a part of your life even though they are in a different dimension. Carrying on with your life for them.
It’s extremely hard to do and I am still at the early stages of my own grief but I am trying so hard.
Take every little snippet of help you can and keep telling yourself how well you are doing. Your own wellbeing is paramount in helping you deal with everything.
Thinking of you
Deborah
So sorry for your loss at a young age i was 58 when my husband unexpectedly passed away , i truly understand what you are saying i got support from friends for fist 12 months then it was like i was supposed to be over it ? One friend told me to draw a line under it and move on with life ! , i said its not that easy she then replied that its only me holding myself back it cut like a knife coming from what i thought was my good friend, ive backed off from her now , untill they lost a partner they haven’t got a cle what its like but im now learning to separate who i can talk to on bad days keep taking one day at a time sending hugs
There was a long time for me when it felt like the world was moving on (which it was) and I wasn’t. I keep thinking my brother was missing out on developments and therefore I cannot enjoy them. In my mind I now separate out these things.
He used to say if something was troubling and difficult to get through, then to take each day as it comes, and if that’s too long, then take each hour as it comes, and if that’s too much then take each minute as it comes.
Not sure that ayone has no suffering at all. Even in situations of disconnect there are a whole load of feelings that surface. I haven’t cried for my father. We wern’t close. But I am sad he died and I miss that he is not around in a way I can’t find words for. I like what you said about time not being a healer. I think healing from grief is the wrong aim. What we end up with is a new ‘normal’ that is so very different from what we had, so we grieve for our old life as well as the person.
Having had some counselling you present an interesting question when you ask does it work. I think this depends on what you define as ‘work’.
Counselling in any setting is ‘fixes’ by provoking thought and as a guide, unlkie other types of treatment - you can mend a broken leg and a wound heals in time. From my experience it has helped me to be a bit more comfortable with who I am and better manage my anxieties and temper my ‘irrational’ responses, but I still get triggered and have familar responses. They are just less invasive in my every day life and I feel much more validated! We don’t heal from grief, I don’t think. We change and life changes and we hopefully get back to joy and feeling good but it is always with the caveat that it is not quite the same as it was before. Which doesn’t mean a life of eternal ‘doom’. I think I now have different expectations that are more realistic. Not sure you have to measure life either. You are where you are and that is good because you are still here! Not sure if this helps . Thank you for sharing and lots of love x x
@Tinatina
I hear what you say about the difference in friends. The same can apply to family members as well but it is because they haven’t lost a partner and they can’t possibly comprehend our feelings. We can’t ourselves.
I have a friend who lost her husband many years ago who she nursed for five years. She told me within a couple of weeks of losing John to move forward and I was shocked and upset with her. Surely she should be more empathetic I thought but I realised that’s just her way. She tends to live for the day because life is short, that’s always been her mantra, she just didn’t word it right.
We’re all different I suppose and some people just don’t express themselves in the way we think they should…
I’ve been giving this a lot of thought over the last few months and I just wondered if this makes sense to anyone else. My theory is that the grieving process comes in two parts:
The actual grief
Losing a loved one is a devastating experience. The physical presence that’s been there at your side for a lifetime has suddenly gone and it’s left you floundering. You are in intense physical, mental, emotional and spiritual pain and you face the monumental task of trying to adjust to a new life without them. Nothing in life has prepared you for this and you have no points of reference to help you navigate your way through the nightmare.
The additional suffering
You would think your mind would want to protect you at a time like this but no, it constantly fills your head with an endless stream of unwelcome thoughts that cause you additional suffering.
It reminds you how it feels to no longer be touched, kissed, held or cherished.
It tells you that your new life without your loved one will never be the same, it could never be better, and it will be immeasurably worse than the old life you had.
It tells you that you’ll never be happy again, you’ll never love again, and you’ll never even laugh again.
It tells you that you’ll never find a way of living without the one person you can’t live without.
It replays all the regrets and the what ifs.
It makes you feel guilty that you survived and your loved one didn’t.
I realise that we can’t stop our thoughts, but does anyone have any ideas how we can manage them to avoid a lot of this unnecessary suffering?
I got told by my counsellor that the good memories will replace the bad, and that i need to show myself some of the love ,i have for Sue. Not happened yet.
I have very little support. I have no family and the friends I had have let me down too. So I am trying to make new friends which is very hard on my own. I never thought that lonliness was so awful. However I am 21 months into this journey and it does get better but very slowly. We have to be patient.
Just want to say you have wonderful friends on here who care so much about you.
It’s tough going through all of this but keep going.
Post when you feel you can.
Love Deborah
Even if you can’t understand someones feelings you can understand what they need. I have been let down by a friend so badly I feel like I am grieving the loss of her along sde the loss of my loved one. Even if some people don’t express themselves in the way that would be most helpful, they are at least trrying. My friend doesn’t even try for weeks at a time!!
That’s a bit simplistic. The good don’t replace the bad - hopefully they become more of the focus but they can no more replace the bad memories than someone else can replace a loved one. We do have to take care of ourselves but it is a slow and life long process. Hope you have supportive people around x x
I like to think of life as taking on a new normal. It will never be the same again, that much is true. I think though we find a different way of living without our loved one, but that doesn’t mean it has to be immeasurably worse. You are right though we do have different parts to the grief - loss of the person we loved, loss of our old life, loss of friends sometimes or the idea of what they were when they don’t show up as we hoped, and yes, we do replay stuff: could we have done more, different stuff, wish we had said stuff, heard stuff, changed plans…if only we had known stuff.
That said I think it is all interconnected and hopefully we morph into something different but equally as valuable as we were before the loss. And some people can welcome new partners and feel love again. I understand the feeling of guilt for having life when my loved one was so ill for so long. I am also quite an optimistic person and it helps to think of my life now as not the one I thought I had but a new direction, path, journey. It doesn’t stop the missing but it feels like there is hope and it is ok to know joy again.
@Wilson9
Yes stage 1 of bereavement is absolute agony and feels like a never ending nightmare of feeling raw and lifeless and mentally drained and just ill…
Stage 2 is coming to terms that the person we loved is no longer here to love n hold but our lives have to carry on.
It’s the most difficult time but we are here and we can still love, we can still be happy and we will laugh but it will be tinged with sadness but we can’t let grief win. We have a future but a different one and one we didn’t want but it’s how it is. Our loved one would want that.
I’m glad it was John n not me because I would never want him to feel like I do. I owe it to him to carry on in whichever way I can.
Our families are our reminder of why we are here and we have to be strong for them even though it hurts so bad.
Grief sucks but it will not take over…