My husband has been dead nearly 10 months. I felt like I was finally turning a corner. For the last two months I’d say I’ve had a lot on to take my mind off the grief. I’ve started decorating my house, having trips away and even holidaying with my kids. However, now I’m back suddenly out of the blue I just feel like it’s hit me all over again. For the last few days I’ve been very tearful and angry with life and the why me, why him have started again.
At one point, over the last few months, I thought i was handling it too well and was actually not thinking of him constantly, like I had been previously. Now it’s all consuming again. The weather being so miserable for July is definitely not helping, it’s starting to feel like autumn is coming and that is the 1 year mark of his death.
Maybe it’s a combination of things. Have others felt this way too?
Dear Kat1984, I think we all have the same experience. My beloved husband died suddenly on Valentine’s Day this year. I gave him my card and presents and three hours later he collapsed and died a home. I have okayish days and nights and all of a sudden I am not able to do anything no more; my thoughts are all over the place and I cannot concentrate, just sitting in the living room and crying my eyes out. My plans today were to go out shopping but here I am sitting in the living room crying. Hopefully, I will pull myself together and go out of the house later on. I have an appointment with a GP tomorrow to speak about counseling - might help me to speak about the trauma of losing my husband and the circumstances. It is a roller-coaster life we are all in. Some days are good, some days are really bad. You are doing so well going on holidays and even decorating your house - I am not even able to keep the house and garden clean and nice. I am opposite you: I hate the sunshine and would prefer an overcast and rainy day. You are not alone and keep in touch via this forum, which helped me a lot. Sending you lots of love and hugs.
Well now I think I’m being a hypocrite as i wrote a post about the sunny weather making my grief worse. I don’t think it has anything to do with the weather really, it’s just the grief, it’s there and it’s always there.
I just assumed that the further on you go with your grief the easier it gets. For me in the first few months it was horrific, I just assumed as I’d had a few not as bad months it was going to continue on like that.
It’s not just the sadness, it’s actually like a bout of depression. It’s exhausting and takes a lot to continue to pull yourself together.
Sorry to hear of your husband passing so soon. It’s just the worst isn’t it? Although I don’t think anything could ever prepare us for how bad it actually will be. Xx
I have better days and they’re days I don’t think of him all the time. I do have days where i wake feeling rubbish, so on goes the funeral music, I have a good cry, shout, scream and then I’m done again till the next time.
At work, like today, I can get emotional and upset when I talk about him but I’m not unhappy, it’s not all consuming. I’m back to myself quite quickly .
I lost my husband suddenly at Christmas 7 months ago. When I am busy and with people and have distraction I feel ok then reality hits me like a ton of bricks when I am on my own and most mornings when I wake up. I been told that grief is like a roller coaster and a tangle of metal. Some hours/days are good and some are bad and that you grow around the grief and some days you back to square one. What a horrible journey that we are all on. Just not fair! Xx
Big hugs xx
Dear Kat1984, It is funny how weather affects people differently. I thought it would be easier for me if the weather would be nice but it is the opposite. Might be because my husband liked to work in the garden and he also liked sunshine. Good weather reminds me of how much he enjoyed the BBQ at work in the Summer - he was the chef and a very good cook. I bought an apron for him with “I bearhug you” which I keep in the kitchen. I have so lovely memories of him enjoying the sunshine but they are also so terribly painful. Hope you are having a better day soon. Sending lots of love and hugs.
It is literally the worst. I think I need to remember on these bad days that they don’t last forever. I also need to stop thinking on my good days I must be over the worse.
I’ve heard people say it’s like waves and in time the waves get further and further apart. What they fail to tell you, is those waves can knock you off your feet, whilst you aren’t looking and take you down with them.
Kind of get fed up of pulling myself together.
Well when it first got hot and sunny (probably the beginning of June), I too felt awful. My husband loved the sun, he’d always be attempting to sun himself in the garden with a cuppa. It was another awful realisation that the summer would be very different this year.
However I feel we must adjust as I did start to embrace the sunny days, if only to get some washing out! now the rain is constant, gone with the sun is my mood. It might be because I’ve just come back from our first holiday abroad without him. That took a lot of planning and packing etc.
I just feel like I can’t keep booking holidays or spending money to avoid feeling awful all the time. Maybe I must learn to sit with it?
Yes that’s pretty much how I feel. Do we have to distract ourselves forever? The future is very scary if I allow myself to think too far ahead.
I can totally relate to “can’t keep booking holidays or spending money” I’ve booked another trip to London sightseeing etc, I was only there in May. Now I’ve decided I want a new car. My own car is only three years old but I never liked it from the moment I drove it, so I persuade myself that’s a legitimate reason to get another car. I have so many things to do around the house and garden but I just keep saying, oh I must do that sometime. I get fed up with having to pull myself together too, but I don’t break down as some of you have described, in a way I wish I could, there’s just this deep feeling inside, I haven’t been able to put a name on it.
Oh I know too well about the feelings that you can’t really name. I also find they change hourly/daily too. I actually used to get a bit obsessed with them, as I thought maybe I’m the only one who got them. Some feelings are indescribable and we all feel things differently. Early on I had this longing feeling deep inside. It was horrendous. I felt it in my chest. A lot of people kept saying it was anxiety, however I’ve suffered with anxiety for years and that’s not how I’ve ever felt it. It was more like a deep yearning and restlessness.
I’ve just ordered the latest iPhone, before that I had the iPhone 11. Nothing was wrong with it and as it was out of contract it was only £10 per month, now I’m paying triple that and had to pay a lot of money up front. My excuse was my old phone might break and it has all my photos and videos on there of my husband.
My new obsession is ordering rubbish from a site called Temu - it’s from China and dirt cheap. I like the element of surprise as you never know what the quality of the goods you’ve ordered is going to be like until it arrives. Do I need any of it? Absolutely not, however it is providing temporary relief. It also gives me something to look forward to as delivery takes a while.
Why do you always get notices on a Friday? Just got some paperwork from my financial advisor which means I am having to go through probate which I wasn’t expecting. At least it is first thing so I have been able to get my solicitor working on it. Just another unexpected cost. Another delay in getting some income. I know neither I nor my darling Norman knew things were so complicated.
Sorry @Pudding you are having to go through probate. I have just had mine approved, so at last have started sorting out my finances. It took 16 weeks for mine to be approved.
Good luck with it, xx
At least this is just 1 bond. The isa and his pension I believe should just transfer and I still have my pensions. I had a weird day yesterday. Somehow managed to order 1 banana in online shopping. I then smashed a glass. Normally my neighbours would be in call to help due to my mobility issues but none of them were about so I just had to manage. It’s amazing what you can do when you have to
Pensions aren’t affected with probate but every account your husband had in his name, including a bond and ISA, is included. Once you have probate, you can transfer the ISA. I also had to include his premium bonds,
I was horrified and had to take advice, your solicitor will do it for you.
Good luck x
He only had about 5 premium bonds. It is nice to know pensions not included. The solicitor seems to think it is just the bond. I think the isa must be below the threshold. I used to provide it support for accounting software but that was straight forward accounting.
Obviously, your solicitor will advise but, in my case, my husband’s own collective accounts were more than £5,000.00, so probate was necessary. NS&I, our bank and building societies required probate approval before releasing or transferring monies to me.
To be honest, it’s a minefield.
Any account we could have were joint so they just transfer.
That’s good. We also had joint accounts but my husband had his ISA’s and premium bonds. So, I had to have Probate.
I think all these things we purchase are just a distraction. I did exactly the same. My husband died just over two years ago and after the first six months I decided to decorate the living room - it was something we had planned. Then onto the garden bought a huge shed and had a lot of work done. I then booked a trip to Australia and this year bought a new car. My sons agree it’s just a distraction so now I’m trying to be good not order on line rubbish which I don’t need and try to replenish some savings. While we’re doing all this we’re not thinking and that’s the killer, thinking !! This is the new normal being alone and dealing with this sadness which grips you like a vice.