Hiw can we possibly know if we are doing Ok. Having lost my gorgeous best friend and husband almost five weeks ago, I keep telling myself I’m doing Ok x even though I’m.struggling with anger and I tolerance of others x I’ve.felt that my grief is very absorbing and that I’m not the same person. How do I know that I’m not going to be become permanently depressed? How? How can we differentiate between grief and complicated grief? I’m scared of my life ahead, I’m petrified that I am.never.going to enjoy anything ever again x
Oh cinders how do we know . We can only hope we can move from this nightmare to some sort of new normal. The anger and frustration , the pain and heartache will be part of us for a long time. Will we ever enjoy life again without our beloved husbands who were the most important people in our lives . Do we even want to think of our futures without them. I can’t comprehend doing any of these things . Iv had the worst 2 days and nights since the funeral . Being busy with these type of things numbs ya a bit as they have to be done . But once it’s done and other people’s lives return to normal what are we left with . Emptyness , loneliness, anger and lots of whys. Big loves to you xxx
Hi @Cinders21 we are not doing OK because if I may say so this is the one of the worst possible things that could happen to anyone and it is the worst thing that could happen to us. And it did happen.
Nothing could be shitter. We are very much not f*cking OK. I don’t think we ever will be OK to the level we were before. I also think it’s normal, that’s what my dr said anyway.
I am seven weeks in from my husband’s death yesterday and it kept getting worse so I can’t really offer comfort. Right now as I type my mum is telling me a story about a woman whose baby was taken by dingos and to be brutally honest I couldn’t care less. I am absorbed in just trying to keep going through this pain myself too.
Usually, before, I was a tolerant and caring person. I keep reaching out to friends and when they don’t give responses I want (they change subject to something more palatable) then I feel very angry.
I recommend going to the Dr because yesterday and this morning I felt some peace and happiness after taking diazepam he prescribed me. I didn’t think anything could do that with how I was feeling. This evening though I am getting some chinks in the diazepam armour though. I will take another now before trying to sleep.
I wasn’t going to keep posting as have been waiting for 10pm to take it but your post is exactly how I feel so had to respond. Goodnight.
I know how you are feeling, I lost my wife to cancer in september after being with her for 33 years , I am 54 but feel my life is over now. People do say and text " are you ok " but I never know what to say as we are clearly not. I am now on antidepressants ,sleeping tablets and anxiety tablets which do help a little, I dont want to continue taking them but they help for now, try to see your GP for some help, I know how you feel X
Thank you every one, you are such an amazing support x I am so determined to be Ok but, like you say Maz, after.the funeral… it’s just awful x and fleur, it gets worse, yes… I had diazepam because of the shock short journey and pure trauma x I will see how I go x I have optician tomorroe, daughter visiting Thursday. Friday an online meet in regards to my job and going back… thank you Paul x my love and hope for strength goes to you all including myself x
Hi all. Hope your all as good as can be expected . I made a big step today after a half decent sleep
( with the aid of sleeping tablets) .
I actually got in the car with my daughter without having anxiety or panic attack. We went for a little drive and went to 2 shops. I was ok got 2 of the grandkids Xmas gifts. Got back home after being out 2 hours . Glad to say I was ok today xxx small steps is all we can do until we feel half way normal .
Big loves to you all xxx
That’s amazing Maz, well done, I am currently sitting in my car, I have taken his phone to be fixed as he broke fr9nt and back screen in the last week … his phone is better than mine so I’m going to have it. I reformatted his laptop last night, saving all his photos and music on to a hard drive x it was so emotional but theae things are all little steps forward x I have just said to him, I suppose Ille just love yo7 forever now because you popped your clogs, pain x x x all the love and strength to you wished from the depth of me x x
Your so brave doing that hun. My car has been up the path for over a month now. I don’t feel safe to drive it as my consentration is so bad . All stus laptops , camera , hardrives ( he was a proper gadget man ) so much stuff I havnt even been able to look at yet . I was thinking of maybe taking his medals to be mounted on a box to display them . But maybe after Xmas .
Big hugs and loves . We can do this all of us on here together xxx
Cinders21 I totally understand how your feeling I’m 12 weeks in after losing my Rob he was my guide my teacher my go to person my husband , and now I have none of that. Like you I wonder if I will ever be that same person again and no I don’t think I will . We might he happier later on down the path we have be placed upon but I don’t think we will be the same again. What can we do other than try our best to carry on . I’m at such a loss everyday and feel so lonely and I never in a million years thought I could cry so much as I have done these past three months . The dark nights and short days are such a struggle too. But we have to be strong take care sending hugs x x x
Its just the worst, but like Mazz says, we can do this.
Cinders this has become my mantra now. When I feel panicky , when I have to do anything I say to myself I can do this. Even though most of the time I want to curl up and scream xx
maybe that is where I’m going wrong as my mantra seems to be “I can’t do this”
Fleur you can do this hun . We have to . Our beloved husbands would want us to. We can take as long as we need . We can have good days , bad days , numb days , angry and screaming days as we’re all grieving the loss of our futures with our beloved ones. At the moment I’m quite anxious and panicky . 3rd day staying home alone . Iv just taken a zoplicone. I’m determined not to go into our bar and get anything alcoholic as I know I will stay up drinking alone and start getting angry at him for leaving me when I need him. I can do this I will do this . I’m here any time to talk hun xx big hugs xxx
Like Maz said, we have to, we really have no choice. All the sayings hurt, for example ’ better to have loved and lost than never to have loved’ ’ they are in a better place ’ it’s all meaningless isn’t it? I question my grief, I question my selfishness and my self absorbed attitude. The person we loved, if given a choice would have stayed, however hard the journey, they would have stayed, their lives were cut short. I’m so sad for my husband, that his life was cut short, it really is so unfair. And I sit here worrying about who I am, where I am going but I have a choice, a choice that was taken away from him. I can choose to move forward or I can choose to spend many years in sadness and stuck in this place. I owe it to him, to my family, to all those around me, but mostly myself, to do everything in my power to take those forward steps and move forward. I will always miss him, I will never be the same but Ille be damned if I will allow this to end me as me. One thing my husband loved about me is the person who was content with very little x the one who could find a positive in almost everything, the one who would take great joy just from hearing birds sing, the one who would jump around merrily doing household chores, the one who always saw the good in people…etc. I want to be the person he loved and I will x x x
That is a very positive attitude @Cinders21, one I would aspire to attain. One of my mantras I try to remember is the following
“Live each day, it is a day Karen did not get to live”
It can be difficult to live up to that mantra, but I will try, Karen did not want to die, she desperately wanted to live her life.
Bit harder today Richard, I’m evil today, so glum and sad x The fibre optic tree connection is broken, I’m a bit distraught about it… why now x x x hopefully I will laugh about it later… But right now I’m extremely sad x x hope you are having a reasonable day. I’ve found retail therapy is the best medicine but it’s cold and miserable outside x so very glum and lacking purpose today x anxiety is hanging on me too x x x i miss him so much, its hurting me … i just want him here and all that desparate stuff… but I will try and sort myself out x x all the love. Blooming hard road x
I find it difficult to be positive because it doesn’t feel authentic. It’s much easier at the moment now on the diazepam but still I have cracks where I think but they are in the distance and I don’t cry now.
You are of course all completely right and logical, we should live the days as fully as possible in honour of our beloved people who don’t get that choice. I know this and totally agree yet somehow cannot do it enough. I am trying.
Today I got up around 8 and washed my hair (a big task as long hair, not done almost two weeks so an accomplishment to me). Went for blood pressure check. Emailed hr dept at work my sick note. Came to my mums. Hoped to see my brother (he lives there) but he stayed in his room so far. Probably also getting sick of my negative attitude.
I’m trying but not getting very far. I think because I cannot envisage a future. Sorry to hear today you’re not having a good one Cinders, hoping the best for you all, from your fellow traveller to somewhere unknown, Fleur x
Cinders I wish I could put our tree up. One of the little ones asked me last night we’re my tree was and I told him it’s in the cupboard and I can’t reach it. He said that’s cos grandads in heaven he put it way too high for you to reach . Broke my heart all over again and I sobbed and sobbed . Cuddles of the little ones helped a bit but I wanted them all to go hone so I could let my tears flow . it’s so hard trying to swallow down your tears and sobs isn’t it ?
Today I removed the furniture my beloved passed on as new sofa comes tomorrow . Iv rearranged the other furniture and placed my darlings picture and my framed letter from heaven in time cabinet so I can look at him always . Still feel angry and out of sorts as though my heart is gone love to you all big hugs xx
I agree Fleur, it’s not always authentic but… it is optimistic x ive always found that thinking positive, keeping things in perspective has helped me. I can’t always do it… today is awful x but my positive today is that tomorrow will be better x I hope so x I’m very glum and sad, angry, easily frustrated x I’ve stopped taking diazepam, taking a rescue remody at the moment x x there is no doubt how hard this is, you are very right x
Hi Paul so sorry to hear about the loss of your wife. This is my first post so not sure if I am doing it right or not.
I am 10 years older than you and lost my wife of 43 years July 2019. People ask me how I am doing and of course I say ok. But they don’t see what it is like going back to an empty house , when the mask comes off . I don’t think we will ever be ok again. People used to say the second year is harder. I wouldn’t call it harder, but I definitely wouldn’t call it easer, I think it really kicks in in the second year that they are not coming back.