Doing things differently this Christmas

Looking to the future
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We didn’t have Christmas last year, couldn’t even watch Tv, stuck to pre-recorded programmes that didn’t play anything remotely christmas themed. So on Christmas day, there was myself, our son, daughter, her pug Winston and my pug pup Ada, we had a Sunday lunch, didn’t even have the TV on, mainly because we didn’t think about it or particularly wanted it, we played monopoly after lunch for over 3 hours, boxing day was just the same. i eventually cooked Christmas dinner in February, on Alan’s birthday.

This year our son and daughter have drawn up what we’re doing, our son is working Christmas day and Boxing day this year (he’s a chef at the hospital, the patients need meals too), anyway, we are having a Christmas dinner this year on Christmas Eve at our sons, then i am to do a buffet tea on Christmas day, our daughter is cooking a late dinner on Boxing day.

this year’s christmas meal times may become our new norm, i cannot say, only know that we as a close family now have to lead this different life and all that entails, our son and daughter have a different life now without their father who had always been there for them, likewise, i too have this different life without the love of my life who has been by my side for the last 53 years, 2 years as a courting couple, 50 years as a married couple and one year as a couple in spirit.

make this Christmas about you and your loved one in spirit as best you can, and in the way that is best for you.

hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today

blessings
Jen☆

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Thanks Jen, I’m sure you will have given some people here an idea of what to do for their Christmas. I like the idea of making Christmas about our loved ones in spirit. Last Christmas I was a lost soul and we had a family Christmas dinner and as there was kiddies it had to be as normal as possible. I wanted to be alone, didn’t feel I would be good company but I was picked up and taken to have dinner. I’m not sure how I got through that meal. This year I don’t know what I’m doing but whatever, I will have Brian with me in spirit, I will make sure about that.
Pat xxxxx

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My Mam died 5 weeks ago of cancer and my dad even though they both loved xmas doesn’t want to put any decorations up this year her birthday is also 23 rd Dec so gonna be hard for us all I don’t know how he’s feeling as it’s diff for him to me as they had been married 53 and losing a Mam is diff to a partner I don’t know if hel stay at home xmas day if hel want to be alone come to someone in the family any advice please on what I can do to help him iv thought if support groups but I know he wouldn’t go but anyone been through the same as this xxx

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Hi, I didn’t want any decorations or a Xmas last year but my Grandkids decided differently. They put up the tree and decorated it for me. I asked to be left alone on Xmas day but again I was ignored and found myself being picked up and taken to have dinner with other members of family. I was pleased that the decorations were put up they did give some cheer, especially the lights. Although I struggled with the family xmas dinner I was grateful that they had thought about me and I managed to cope for a couple of hours. I would say don’t leave your Dad on his own, equally don’t put pressure on him. Let him know that you are thinking of him and hopefully he might go to family for the dinner at least.

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it will still be very very raw for your dad, don’t pressure him, if he doesn’t want to spend Christmas with you, then perhaps, if you live close enough, take his Christmas lunch to him, spend an hour or two with him then ask if he wants to come back with you, if he doesn’t, leave him some extra food and perhaps an unwrapped gift. my dad passed 13 years ago 27th November, my mum didn’t want any wrapped gifts nor any cards, she seemed to accept unwrapped gifts and a hot lunch, she wasn’t particularly sociable, which was understandable so we took a hot lunch over to hers among with some cold cuts, bread and butter and some other cold bites such as mini pork pies and the like, some she ate some she didn’t, well not straight away, but they were there should she have felt peckish, she didn’t want any fuss, they were married 56 years, so perhaps your dad would feel more comfort from something similar, I didn’t know your dad or his Luke’s, but would guess he’d prefer to have as little fuss as possible. just knowing you care may all that he needs right now, or may crave company, I cannot say. either way, just treat him gently

hope today was an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today

blessings
Jen☆

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I hope so yes I only live across the road so I always take him he’s teas over anyway but on xmas day as soon as the kids woke up they would ring my Mam and dad and they would be ready and come then go home and have dinner just then two at home we’ve asked if he wants to stay at home and me and my sister will go there and cook it or if he wants to come here or just wants it taking across he said he doesn’t know yet but my Mam found out she had cancer in jan they tried to operate but found the cancer had it’s own blood supply wrapped around a main artery so for all these months we’ve watched her get worse and worse they tried chemo too that didn’t work either the last 5/6 weeks she spent at home in bed and I fell like she’s still up there every time I go I don’t know if it’s not him me yet or if it’s becaus if the bad year in and out of hospital watching all that she went through I don’t know my dad said he feels the same until he goes to bed then he knows she’s not there but he’s feeling angry with her for leaving him on he’s own I said I think that alll normal xx

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bless him, you don’t say how old he is, not that age changes the way we react or feel. there us a very good self help book that I found really invaluable - On Grief and Grieving by Elizabeth kubhler-Ross it explains the stages if grief and how we may even go through a stage more than once. I’m not saying it is a quick fix, nothing about grief and bereavement is a quick fix nor is there a time limit on grief. and we travel this enfirced road at our own pace and in our own personal way.

hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today

blessings
Jen☆

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He’s 72 too they had just had their 53rd wedding anniversary 2 days before she died they both knew how long she had left but me and my sister didn’t want to know but I think my dad thought she would never die even though we saw her getting weaker and weaker she was at home and the last 3/4 days she didn’t have any pain she was still having her slow release but that was it were aa from jan she had a lot of pain all the time and said nothing fully took it away the very last day she didn’t have a thing the nurses said how relaxed and at peace she was she died peacefully with us all there il get that book thankyou I see if it helps him xx

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Alan was 70 in the February, we had our golden wedding anniversary end of March, he passed away 19th May and exactly 2 months after our wedding anniversary I was attending his funeral. he passed away 38 hours after I was told further tests revealed cancer. brother of us knew, thankfully for him, he was never told, he’d had no symptoms of anything so sinister, and for that I feel grateful he never knew. I was with him when he passed and I hold those precious memories close in my heart for ever.

your dad will need a lot of support during these coming months and in time he will become stronger and the bad days will lessen. ir is good that he lives so close, our son and daughter live within walking distance, our son recently moved back into the area for which I am glad. i don’t impose on them, but know they are close at hand should I need help with something, and that in itself us a great comfort.

hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today

blessings
Jen☆

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Thankyou it makes me feel better knowing that it will get easier for him take care too xxx

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Christmas is a tough one.
I haven’t put my tree up or decorations as frankly I could see this month far enough. My mum is coming to me for Christmas as she and I can’t bare to have Christmas at her’s without my dad. Too many reminders. I might just wait til the 20th before I put the tree up at least. I want to make Christmas day a day of celebration (not sure how successful I will be). It will just be me, mum and my 18 y o for dinner.
I worry for my mum, 3 months since we lost my dad and now my mum is facing the stark reality to living without him, as she says herself “can’t wait for this month to end”. I guess we will muddle through

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This is how I feel too my dad asnt put anything I have as I have 2 children still at home 15 and 9 but I’m not looking forward to it and it’s my mams birthday 23 rd Dec too it just doesn’t feel like xmas at all this year xx

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Hi All…

New to the forum, I lost my Mum in March Suddenly, My Dad a good few years ago and my brother many years ago, so all my immediate family. My mothers house sale then went on forever. Now Christmas is upon us, it’s so hard x

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Hi Sarrah

I lost my mum suddenly in june. I’m a regular poster on this forum as I’m struggling to cope without her.
We lost my dad 21 years ago. There is just my sister and I left and we arent close.
I dealt with all my mums probate which only came through in October. Now there is nothing left but to try and get through xmas. You’re right, it’s very hard.
Cheryl x

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Hi Cheryl

Thank you for your reply this really helps…keep in touch x