Hi everyone, as some of you may have read previously, I lost my fiance on 26th March to a sudden cardiac arrest aged 42.
The thing I’m really struggling with is finding my identity to go forward, he was part of my life as a best friend then a partner for 21 years and I don’t know how to be without him, the fact he’s not here physically and also I can’t just pick up the phone and call or text him is proving so difficult for me, I have no idea how to be “single” “widowed” or however I’m supposed to label myself now. I constantly question myself when I feel ok as I think I shouldn’t be and can’t stop trying to picture my future and how I’m ever going to share my life with anyone else, I’m a companion type of person so can’t imagine doing life alone but then don’t know when I’m supposed to move on or how (obviously not in that place now). I hate the confusion of everything and also feel judged like my actions will forever be under the spotlight going forward. I’ve never cared for anyone’s opinion on the way I live my life before but feel such a heavy pressure to grieve and move on at everyone else’s pace just in case anything I do is deemed as “wrong”. I’m even scared to spend time with my usual male friends in case anyone thinks I’m just forgetting him and instantly trying to move on (couldn’t be further from my mind)
Sorry for the longest rant ever but I’m struggling so much with this new reality.
Hope you’re all doing ok
Kate x
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Hello, my husband of 35 years was my best friend, my constant companion for so long. , now that hes gone I feel so lonely, even though I have two grown children who i love so very much. But its not the same, I need my hubby with me, my protector, I always felt safe with him, now I hate going out. I feel I don’t belong anywhere, I stay home. I feel closer to him at home. Even my friends haven’t called me anymore. I think they just don’t know what to say. And I guess I don’t know what I want to hear either. I know I don’t make sense. God bless you all
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My partner died in April last year of a heart attack. Unfortunately he was alone and I found him hrs later. The first 3 months were really, really hard, I think I had PTSD. I had counselling through work which helped and they gave me some coping tips. One was to write to him. Over the last year I’ve written 6 letters, the last being on the anniversary, I’ve found it very cathartic. After a few months of his death I signed up for yoga classes twice a week and joined a local walking group. It got me out of the house and thinking about something else. Being at work helps also. I feel in a better place than I was this time last year. I’m still miss him like crazy, the weekends and holidays are hard. The bottom line for me is, I’m still living and I want to get some joy from what is left of my life. I think he’d want that too. I’m grateful for the little things in life. Things will get better in time but you need to be kind to yourself and accept you’ll never ever forget but you can learn to live with it. What choice have got?Thinking of you x
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Hello thank you for your words, for me its only been 6 weeks since I lost my husband, I know i have to do something with my life, I was his caregiver so I didn’t have an out of the home job. I was fully committed to my husband. It’s been very hard to even concentrate on anything I keep thinking of the weeks before his death in the hospital, very traumatized by seeing everything that was done to him, I know I need counseling, I think that would help me, I’ll hafta look into it. Thank you all , God bless
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Hi @Johnnysgirl your post really resonated with me and I am too a companion type person. I like having a partner in my life and I was with my Paul for 9 years. Before that a partner for 2 years and previously a years gap and a marriage of 20 + years. So yes it is totally odd now being alone and I think in the early days I just wanted to have what I had with my Paul back again so many conflicting feelings. Go out and enjoy your friends male or female. I think our brains are in a mess, we forensically examine all of our feelings as by circumstance we are often in an echo chamber of our own thoughts and feelings. Be kind to yourself. I am 57 and I love all the things I did with Paul. We loved sports and would go to football, darts, MotoGp and also loads of music gigs. I am doing some of that with friends, my older son and the odd thing on my own as I want to go. I no longer feel quite as desperately lonely as I did when I lost Paul very suddenly in January but I still feel very flat and would like to have some joy in life again at some stage. Until then I have learned to manage my own company a bit more and just simply survive. I am mindful that I am wobbly and vulnerable and really trying to look after myself. You were with your fiancé a long time. That is incredibly hard to get used to.
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Hello Kate,
I lost my husband suddenly recently as result of accident. We were married for nearly 50 years. The confusion and loss of identity I would say is common in grief. I personally don’t like the identity of being called a widow and still consider myself as married. You can choose your own identity , it’s the hurt and future that seems hard right now. Don’t feel you have to grieve in any particular way or at anyone else’s pace. We are all unique. The only thing I would avoid is unhealthy behaviours. There are a number of you tube clips that I found useful about grief and one lady was speaking about the loss of her fiancée in Twin Towers New York. If you type grief , you should find it. Let me know how you get on, if you want to that is. God bless!
Alicia x
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Hello, I also consider myself still married, I don’t want to call myself a widow, I still love my husband, and I always will. I miss him so much.
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Hello I’m sat here bank Holiday Monday all alone as I have all weekend I considered myself a lucky woman with quite a few friends that was also OK with my own company, but my most favourite person to spend time with doing anything was my husband of 28 years. He went suddenly 1 month ago I found him in the garden, there is to be an inquest. I’m 60 we had retired last year and loved breaks away mainly UK we had 2 short breaks booked in April he left on the 4th. I was busy excepting every invite for coffee and friends asking to visit because I was scared to spiral on the run up to the funeral which was last week since then I have had no invites or if I’ve tried to suggest something others have other commitments. Bank Holidays are family time we had no children together. The awful reality is I now fit nowhere I only fit with him. I get the feeling judged bit I honestly was close on hyper hysterical laughing joking on the run up to the funeral ….it felt like a film I couldnt really connect with the reality…shock? and smiling on the day too with just a few tears I dread to think what others made of me. When al one I can feel the dread come up from my stomach and I sometimes let out a gasping sob but I just darent let it go as I’m sure I will never stop.
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Hello Talu,
There is ongoing inquest surrounding my husbands death too which won’t be finalised until December. His funeral was a month ago, 11 weeks after he died. I limited numbers at funeral as couldn’t face it to be honest. Most people understood but a few thought it strange. My psychologist told me I didn’t need to explain anything and to do what made me feel comfortable and shouldn’t worry about what people think. He was my husband for nearly 50 years and He would want what was best for me. I’d been through so much, trying to revive my husband and involved with repatriation. My family have been supportive but I also need to comfort them, so I can’t open up to them fully on how empty I feel. I’m also a Christian and have a church family, however I can’t face talking to parishioners at present. I have gone along to church arrive late and leave early and keep in touch with minister friends. I don’t know why but I can’t tolerate others feeling sorry for me or anyone trying to hug me. I think it’s a trauma response. I find keeping myself busy is best for me. Finding a reason to go out of the home. I love my home, me and my husband David spent last 36 years here and built our home together. I feel comfortable here but don’t like emptiness, so I always make sure music or TV on , I only watch TBN or light hearted programmes, not able to listen to the news. We are all connected and are family in that sense. I will have to make new connections as time goes by, I m conscious of not being a burden to my family or having to keep spending time with me. I use to dance with my husband and in our golden years took holidays regularly. We maintained our garden together and must admit I have felt sorry for myself with the thought of all that now gone. But, and it’s a big but, I know we will be together in heaven, our forever home. That’s what gives me strength. We all have gifts and there’s a reason we are here now. I wanted to say , your not alone Talu, all of us on this platform share your grief. God is with us and will never abandon us. Hod bless 
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OMG
Yes incredibly hard.
Like you I am early 60’s. No children. Good friends but like you say they have their lives and no invites or maybe loose symphony invites. And yes we don’t crave their company really, it’s our soul mates we want.
But these evenings, those weekends, these bank holidays are so lonely and hard to get through but we have to we have no choice.
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I’m so sorry for your loss I’m in the anticipatory grief stage my partner is a lot older than me and has dementia we have been together nearly 20 years I keep looking at old photos and videos of when he was well the life we had and his presence he’s in care as his needs are now too high fir me to cope a lone crying so much at what we had and the future without him my best friend
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Hi Sally, from the moment my wife was told she had five months to live I ve been crying. We left the oncologist hugging and sobbing. After that I would often cry alone so as not to hurt her. She managed to live two years, I knew she was dying I thought I had been grieving all that time but when she died in my arms I was ripped apart. For the last four months I’ve cried every day, some days without pain and others with an unquenchable loneliness that only she could fill. We were married for almost forty years after meeting at eighteen.
These long weekends are very difficult to get through, I don’t know why.
Wishing you all the best
Tom
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Hello Tom, I would often cry alone in my room so my husband wouldn’t see me but I think he knew I was sad, when he passed away I was completely torn apart, its so different when you realize they are completely gone from your life. It’s been really hard for me. I miss him very much, I didn’t mind taking care of him, I loved him so much.
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Hi Lucy, I would cry walking the dogs but I would also cry with her. How many times we had to listen to bad news, results with tumor growth or new metastasis. We would cry together afterwards and make new plans to fight it but in the end there was no way out. She was the only girl I have ever kissed. I would have given my life for her.
All the best
Tom
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Hi Tom, my husband didn’t have cancer, but I know what it feels like to always hear bad news from the doctors, I know what you mean about giving your life to save your wife, I did just that for my husband, I donated my kidney to him, and still it wasn’t enough to save him. Take care of yourself
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That’s a lovely thing to do. I’m sorry it didn’t work out. Wishing you all the best
Tom
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It was a long cancer journey for too!
Diagnosed 2020 with high grade lymphona. Aggressive chemo and radiation. He was the 2% that treatment didn’t work for. It came back, he had stem cell transplant, an evil treatment. Given all clear and discharged. Then last year it came back as mulitple brain tumours. We were given hope right up to last month but then it slipped away! He died in my arms in September. Too cruel! The battle lost! Loss too great! 44 happy years gone, dreams gone!
Routing out a way forward 7mths on. A daily challenge. Music my solace.
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Hi Absent, cancer is the word nobody wants to hear and for good reason. My wife made friends with a lot of people during her treatments all but one of them have died. Some of them in their early thirties. We tried all sorts of alternative treatments as the oncologist had little to offer but it was an immunotherapy that really reduced her life expectancy as she had three hepatitis events over a nine months all due an adverse reaction to the immunotherapy. While she was trying regain strength we had to stop other treatments because the liver couldn’t handle everything. When the hepatitis attacks finally stopped we had lost almost a year and the metastasis had advanced. At the end the placement of a drainage tube caused an infection and within three weeks she became bedridden. She was so sweet and I miss her so much.
All the best
Tom
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It waa brutal, all of it. We fought and fought!
At one point if treatment last year he got sepsis!
During that my mum died and couldn’t be with her.. Couldn’t spilt myself between hospitals and had to be with Pete. I was close to mum so it was destroying!
Shortly after Pete lost his battle I had to have my little bundle of joy, my dog put to sleep!
So it has been real shit! Cruel!
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