Don’t want to die as kids /family need me , plus there are many things I want to do , places I want to go .
But at the same time I just can’t see/ don’t want a future without my wife by my side .
So glad I have this place to write these thoughts down , as just telling someone who hasn’t gone through the loss of their soulmate would have them thinking I’m suicidal , not just trying to process all these emotions that are swirling round in my head .
Feels like I constantly have the devil on one shoulder saying ‘ there’s no point without her , life’s over for you , the pain will only get worse ‘ and an angel on the other saying ‘ your kids need you , think of all the places you said you would go , think of the things you promised your wife , she’s always with you ‘ and it’s driving me mad.
Each morning I wake up and say, another day without Joan, a day I don’t want.
I suppose one day I’ll be thankful of a new day, but 18 months into this crap not yet.
You are not alone feeling these mixed emotions.
As many have said nobody has the faintest idea what bereavement and grief is like until it happens to them.
Our mind and heart are trying to figure things out, trying to make sense of what has happened but in a way that doesn’t hurt us. It is such a battle. It causes such turmoil.
This is definitely a good place to express how you feel knowing others identify with how we feel, so they understand and don’t judge.
Sending you a very big hug.
Rose x
@Dino13 I understand completely how you feel as have had the same thoughts. The fact that I am still needed by my family coupled with that that I don’t want to cause them anymore pain keeps me going day after day. I also hope that things will get better with time and the darkness will lift.
The pain does get easier … i promise !! Youre such early days ! Im 18 months into this. Hang on in there ! You gotta grieve …" grief is love with nowhere to go " xxx
Oh @Dino13
I’m sorry your feeling so lost. It’s a difficult time isn’t it.
I know how you feel, I have thought if I started having a heart attack would I call an ambulance. It’s ridiculous the thoughts we all have and some I would never say out loud as people would think I’ve gone nuts.
No matter how you are feeling, no matter how hard it gets you will make it through. Your grief is huge because of the abundance of love you have for your wife.
You are stronger and braver than you believe. Your wife is all around you and is willing for you to not only get through this but to live a life that is filled with happiness. I’m only 8 weeks in but know I won’t feel like this forever. We are still here and have to enjoy our time, our partners wouldn’t want a life of misery for us.
Live for the both of you and your children.
Sending you hugs 
hopefully your day gets better xx
It’s so true what you say .
Biblical the book of Job he had it pretty bad and writes something along the lines when tradgey hits " I was born with nothing and I will die with nothing"
Painful though it is, that’s the truth for all of us.
I have had similar feelings, please know making some new friends on here and the future is yours to create a gentle change , imagine a tree … Sprouting a new branch, you will search even if you don’t want to at the moment… You are programmed to , we can’t help it, looking for new connections. Take care friend.
I feel as if i am living like a robot, programned to continue my daily work routine. The weekends are the toughest as we were with each other 24/7 especially during the summer months when we would wake and spontaniously choose to go somewhere. This is something that i cant do alone as i am unable to drive due to regular seizures. Thjs has set me back, i gave to do everything via public transport or rely on family and friends. I have had a terrible day today, since arriving home i havent been able to stop the tears rolling down my cheeks.
Can completely relate to this. It’s a daily struggle to deal with all these conflicting emotions and thoughts.
Hell on earth. Xx
Hey @blue766 - it sounds like you’re having a tough time at the moment. Life is so hard for all us on here but remember you aren’t alone - there are lots of us here feeling the same as yourself and there is lots of support for you out there. Use this site if it helps - I find it helpful to share how I’m truly feeling as I struggle to find people who can really manage to listen to my grief or I don’t want to overburden those people who are able to listen.
Hope you rest well tonight and maybe feel a little better in the morning.
Sending some strength your way xx
Yes it’s so hard when the person we would always have to support us through the pain and heartache just isn’t there. My husband was a great listener - and he kept me from overthinking things. Now my head is so full of him and always spiralling and becoming upset with nonsense.
It’s hard to deal with all these difficulties alone xxx
So true … im same … maybe a lot of women are ? Men are good levellers arent they ? The very person who would’ve supported you isnt here ! Ive had an awful fathers day … made me feel so sad without him here and sad for my daughter in particular who misses her dad so much xx
I have wiken up with a killer headache probaby ths result of yesterday . Back to being a robot in a couple of hours. Life sucks. . One day at a time. Its been 17 weeks today since Darrens accident, 16 weeks since Darren passed away but it seems likd it was yesterday. Gojbg to hospital, visiting him with many maxhines around him increasing over the whole week. I am heartbroken the pain is unbearable. I cant imagine how difficult it is for my children and grandchildren. I have to stop thanking thar i an tge only one feeling this pain
I am so pleased that i have found this community chat. I felt that i was on my own. Knowing that other people are going through very similar unexpected losses and being able to add things 24/7 is a real help. Thank you for openning up and giving ideas and supporting one another. I have woken to a beautiful bright day. We all need to keep strong, when emotions are there let them out. I work in a secondary school and I am not afraid to show emotions as young people need to know that its ok
Sounds just like me , promised my wife I would be there for the kids but the thought of living for another 20 odd years just for them scares the crap out of me . My daughters only 18 but is really keeping me sane , she’s constantly making me do things rather than letting me wallow in grief , reminds me of my wife when I suffered depression and dragged me out of it , but she’s not my wife and although I love my kids more than anything in the world , it’s a different kind of love not a replacement .
My wife really was the glue for the whole family , brought everyone together and no get together feels remotely the same without her .
You sound like me ! Bloody awful isnt ? Scares crap out of me too being alone : ( i dunno if i will ever meet anyone again ? I really hope i do cos i hate this solitary life !! Xx
For me it’s more the fact of just living to be there for the kids that scares me , plan was we bring them up to be adults then we can travel etc . I don’t want to meet anyone else so the travel will be done with the kids or on my own , but then what ?
I’m only 52 but feel so tired , not physically but mentally.
The next few years was supposed to be our time to relax and enjoy ourselves , doing what we want when we want , going where we want , but in the blink of an eye that’s all been taken away .
@Dino13 I’m the same as you. My whole life plan is now gone and I have no direction on where I go from here.
I really hate being alone, it’s unnatural and unhealthy for people to live like this. Having said that, I would run a mile if anyone asked me out atm. I am biding my time for however long it takes for me to feel better; I liken this to a very slow recovery from a serious illness.