My husband died 4 months ago 57 yrs old. I’m now back to work and being there feels kind of ok as everyone is very supportive. But I hate when people tell me I’m doing or looking well. That’s not how I feel - they don’t understand that I’m always just a thought away from crying and that them saying that make me feel guilty.
I hate going shopping and seeing couples - especially those that are arguing - why don’t they understand how lucky they are.
I’ve just about managed to do all the admin needed notifying banks, insurance etc and all have been very helpful but when they say “late husband” I want to scream at them. He is not my late husband, he is my husband and always will be.
Any time I’m out of the house and get a text I think it’s going to be him.
My family are supportive particularly our two daughters but I hide how bad I feel from them as I want to protect them.
The sad fact is that you,me and everyone on this forum have now been moved to another planet,it’s a place where we all scream out in pain,(I lost my wife just over four weeks ago and I find every single hour of every day just unbearable,) but no one hears us.
The reason is that unless you live on this planet with the absolutely insane suffering it just isn’t possible for everyday people to see us,what they see is what makes them comfortable and more often than not when asking how you are they aren’t that interested in your answer.So ! far easier for them to spout the usual drivel about how well you look,how well you are doing,you must be getting over it,etc,etc,
The lady in my bank who dealt with closing my wife’s account said “I’m so sorry to hear about your wife passing,it must be terrible,” then after a few seconds said "was she ill ? " How do we deal with that really ?
She seemed a perfectly nice person trying to say the right thing.
Yes,like you I’m one thought away from being in tears so I spend time when I’m out finding places where no one can see me but the plain fact is that because you and me are on this strange planet it wouldn’t matter,we aren’t seen. I’m thinking of you and everyone else on here,I know your pain.
Very well put @miker that just about sums it up. But no 9ne means any harm, it’s just everyone’s way if coping. Half the time @ValM they really don’t know what to say but done want to ignore you either.
Work for me is my sanctuary, I have a lovely bunch of people I work with and they really do make it easy to be at work.
I don’t shy away from how I feel, I’m honest and if I need to cry, I do. My partner was 49 and it was instant and unexpected and has been an unbearable shock, now nearly 6 months in, I’m managing well and life is a little lighter.
One thing I know for sure is we don’t get over it, we learn to live with it, with it’s constant presence in our lives (but not in other’s). Losing a partner, wife, husband is soul destroying and alters us forever. Be honest about how you feel, it helps others to understand.
We do understand and get it. This forum is a life saver.
I agree totally with you about the term ’ late ’ husband and only ever call him my husband.
I know how you feel . We may look like we okay howeve r in truth we put in a mask to get through the days and those who haven’t experienced such a loss don’t understand - it’s torture every day but we have to try get through it xx
Sympathy to you all. I’m in the same boat, although a bit further down the road. It’s been fifteen months and I find I’m still checking the time for my husband coming home from work. I think people think I’m doing well but the truth is that every day starts at the bottom of a mountain and there comes a time when you can’t keep going on about it to other people - even family, because you don’t want to upset them. The only shoulder I want to cry on isn’t here anymore.
I also find that I feel very guilty about others who lost someone in the past - my own assumption being that they were coping but now I know they were probably suffering in silence after the first few months. If you still loved each other, I think that getting over the loss is impossible. Our children had left home and we had downsized and everything was perfect - really perfect.
We’d outgrown petty arguments years ago and had a lovely loving companionship.
People say it gets better, but I don’t really believe that.
It’s just dreadful, for all of us.
@ValM I know exactly how you feel @ValM I lost my darling husband just 2 months ago and I still talk about him in the present tense, because he will never be gone from my heart, we are all living this nightmare called loss and will continue to grieve for however long it takes, our lives will never be the same again 
big hugs to everyone 
Know how you feel valm my husband passed February age 58 people say I’m doing amazing if only they knew it’s just mask we put on , I’m not back at work as yet but stating to think about it , I’m blessed with 2 sons and daughter in laws and 4 grandchildren but I’m so lonely for my wonderful David take care all x
It’s just a week for me. I had six months to prepare myself but that makes no difference. We had time to say everything we wanted to each other but it makes it no easier than if his death had been sudden.
I have been surrounded by people since he died last week and have never felt more alone.
I don’t want to live on this alternative planet. I want to live wherever he has gone.
It just isn’t possible to prepare for where we are now.I reassured my wife that I would manage,be o.k. etc, but because she spent many years bereavement counselling she said," I don’t think you will be O.K.because I know what’s coming," how right she was.
Like you we had time to say everything and we did,but it hasn’t helped,I want her back here next to me. Take care.
Hi
I too did counselling for MacMillan helping others with cancer diagnosis but nothing prepares you for the loss of a partner. I lost my husband unexpectedly 6 weeks ago so the pain in still in early stages. I try to get through each day but it is hard to deal with sometimes. I try to keep positive thoughts remember good times. Take care
Some days I can achieve a little of the things that you mention,most days are a complete write off simply because the many good memories and every thought seem just another way to prod the pain and in turn remind me that the woman I love isn’t here with me. I now know why my wife Jacky sat in this very room crying one day and when I sat next to her and held her I asked her what it was,she told me that she wanted me to go first because she knew what it would be like and didn’t want me to suffer the pain.
Life now is a roller coaster of mixed emotions. One minute I seem to be managing, the next I suddenly think of a nice memory, and I am back in the black hole, wishing I could turn back the clock.
xx
Yes it seems like a rollercoaster one day sad next day sad but no tears. People think i am coping but some days i do not.
Trying to keep busy in my husbands garden which was his pride and joy growing vegetables and flowers. I dont garden but i am trying to like or learn how to do things.
But sometimes i cry becsuse i am unable to keep to his standard. Take care
It’s a connection to the man you loved,if he could speak to you now he would say forget the standard I’ll fix it later.
Thank you just back from visit to see my aunt who was in hospital with heart problems who is in her 80’s managed to make her feel better with visit. But feeling so upset started crying when i got home.
I wish someone could take this pain from me but i know it cant be done and i have to live through this part of my life.
Hi Val m i am so sorry for your loss i also lost my husband Paul 9 weeks ago and it feels that you have written about how im feeling ,i feel totally lost without him i still ring his phone in the hope he will pick up,i to have wonderful adult kids and keep away my pain from them also.I get fed up with people telling me it will get better and maybe it will but i dont want to here it,he was 61 we had our life panned out and now its gone to shit and sometimes i feel so lost and alone without him,please take care
I’m in a very similar timetable and head space to you ValM. It’s 4 months today for me since my wife died. I’ve been back at work for a few weeks and everyone is supportive but like you say it is hard to hear your doing well etc. That’s not how you feel and people just don’t get that you have to put on this front just to survive on a day to day basis. I am one word or incident, no matter how trivial, away from floods of tears. People cannot appreciate how hard it is for you to just function. I’m hoping that with time i will simply cope a little better. Like you i hate seeing people in couples doing normal boring stuff is soul destroying. As for still being married i feel the same. I’m still married to her and will remain so ‘until death do us part’ Im still alive so nothings changed yet. She is still there with me in my heart, in my head and i still have her ashes so nothing is different. Don’t fret over how you feel, don’t feel guilty. Your grief is your own and nobody has the right to tell you or make you feel that the way you are grieving wrongly. Love to everyone who is experiencing and truly understands, this awful and terribly lonely journey 
Yes 7 weeks today since i lost my husband. I tried to go out today but everywhere i went brough back more memories as we did everything together for over 37 years. This new part of each of our lives is going to take a long time to get over if we ever do. I go about my daily life and everyone thinks i am coping but behind the sceen i am not crying and upset when at home on my own. I know i am not alone in my grief but this is not a journey i want to be on. I only hope that these feelings will get better to deal with
I really wish I had gone first or together this is just a nightmare I can’t cope much longer