Don't know how to feel

So I lost my mum in February. She was 56. Mum had suffered many years with alcoholism. Although can be perceived as selfish… She lost her son suddenly when he was 28 then both her parents all in the space of a year. I am so angry with her for leaving us. We begged and pleaded with her for years to stop. We tried using love, then tough love and after multiple admissions to hospital, on February 6th I received a phone call from mum who seemed confused (I thought it was just that she had been drinking) she was paranoid. I didn’t take things seriously. After a couple of hours I received a further phone call from a paramedic saying they were with mum and she was sick. Her oxygen levels were low and she was really confused. I met them at the hospital and the sight I saw, I will never ever forget. She looked like was having absence seizures. Her bloods came back and straight away they put her in resus. Sodium of 100. I never even knew this was compatible with life. She was transferred to the itu and after a couple of days she lost her airway. She was intubated. I knew I was losing her. Then a miracle happened, on 11th February she was extubated successfully! I told her I didn’t think I would ever see her again, to which she told me… Don’t be so f£&King wet… Typical mum. I couldn’t go see her on 12th as I was having a day surgery procedure. On 13th February I received a phone call from itu saying mum had deteriorated, what did I want to do? What did I want to do??? What the hell was that. I rushed up to the hospital and mum was on a non-invasive ventilation and I knew she was going. The consultant met with me and sat with me and went through all of her blood results and everything… She was in multi organ failure and was dying of the flu. I agreed to withdraw treatment. Hardest decision of my life. They waited until my brother joined me, which was the longest 30 minutes of my life. They withdrew the mask and within 45 minutes she slipped away. No pain, no attempt nothing. She went listening to fields of gold by Eva cassidy. As time is going on, I feel more and more numb. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know what to say. People keep expecting me to break and it’s like a wall has gone up. Is this normal? At the same time as my mum dying, my nephew went missing and he was found in a lake. He had killed himself. Then low and behold a week later my great auntie, also died of cellulitis. I can’t help but feel nothing about this. I feel like an outsider looking into my life.

Oh Lulu. I’m so sorry. Losing your mum is traumatic in itself, but you have had double if not triple troubles. You must be a brave lady and I’m so glad you came on here. We all know and understand. You are not alone but among friends who know and understand.
It often happens in the initial stages of bereavement that our emotions go numb. It is like a wall going up. Try not to worry about it, it is normal.
When my wife died I was able to cope well. I did all the paperwork myself and arranged the funeral. That fact is I was walking around in dream. Going through the motions. Part of my brain had switched off. The feelings part. Now this plain shock. It can happen in any trauma situation. The brain wants to forget because of the pain.
Then, when all was done I just became overwhelmed with grief. Now please don’t think this will happen to you. We all cope in individual ways. Grief is a process which we need go through. I have found chinks of light now and then and I try to hold on to them. But it’s better to ‘go with the flow’ and take things as they come hour by hour and day by day. The pain will ease contrary to what you think now, but it’s hard. ‘Like an outsider looking into your life’. It’s a kind of depersonalisation. As if it’s someone else is suffering but we seem to be numb.
Now take care. You have come to the right place because everyone here knows and understands. Bless you.

Lulu84 what a traumatic time you’ve had and your brain is in protection mode as Jonathan said. I lost my dad suddenly 7 weeks ago after collapsing and being in ITU ventilated for 2 days I so wish he’d woke up to talk to him and hear his voice but I described to my husband that I went from a numbness of feeling nothing to real sad pain for moments, he said the nothing was because I didn’t see my dad every day which upset me I didn’t mean I felt nothing for my dad… he couldn’t understand my feelings which makes me feel alone. I understand about looking in on your life it’s a movie your in it but it doesn’t seem real your mum sounds as if she had a lovely passing and glad you and your brother were with her, take good care of yourself and it’s easy to say but take one day at a time and sometimes writing down your feelings in a diary helps always here for a chat x

So sorry to hear about all your losses. It’s hard when your mum was an alcoholic and put you through her disease, as it affects the family as well, and can produce mixed feelings when they die. Hard to accept withdrawal was the right thing to do. The the other members of your family. I lost mu husband, cousin and father within 12 months of each other and there have been so many issues with all of them, that I have reached a state that I now call being bereaved out. It’s normal to feel you are just observing your life, and I’ve felt this and acute anxiety and grief, they change like the weather. Look after yourself and don’t despair, it does get easier. x

I’m so sorry you are going g through this. My eldest son died six years ago aged 33… I was crying a d panicking the whole time but I had my younger son and husband to support me. Then two years ago my other son died …I was with him as he took his last breath in hospital …, I was completely numb abd in shock … never cried much I was numb I couldn’t believe it… I arranged his funeral while my husband had a breakdown … I had counselling but I never cried. My husband of 43 years my rock my soulmate was diagnosed and died in the hospice all within four weeks 29th April this year. All I have done is cry abd break down everywhere. I think a of this is just the different ways we grieve. You need to allow yourself to grieve in your own way, your own time and one hour, one mi ute at a time. Nothing is right or wrong when it comes to grief…: it’s just unpredictable abd dreadful. Sending you hugs from me to you x

Sorry to hear about your mum but it does mean she was a good mum . Some mums can be selfish in their relationships with their children so please be grateful for her .
God Bless you for the future .

Hello Lulu, you have been through so much trauma that it would be surprising if you didn’t feel the way you feel. I feel the same way even though several years have passed. It is just as others describe, feeling like you are on the outside looking in. You feel like life is a film running in front of you and nothing is real anymore and that you are not part of it. I couldn’t cry when my mum had just died, I was numb. If anything, not feeling anything shows just how much you do care - your brain is shutting down your feelings to protect you. Give it time, however long it takes, to feel yourself again. I wish you well and everyone who is going through this terrible time in their lives xx

Losing a parent makes you feel like an orphan but it passes in time.
God Bless .

Hi Lulu84. I’m so very sorry for your loss. People grieve in different ways and there are no rules. I lost my 23 year old daughter in 2013. I know what you mean by your wall. I’m the same I just don’t feel about things like I should do. I work in care and I often see people dying. Before my daughter passed away I use to feel emotion in their passing but I am numb to it now. My daughter passed away unexpected and in such a traumatic way. I thought there was something wrong with me not feeling anything but someone put it to me that I perspective. Seeing my daughter at the beginning of her young adult life and everything to look forward to was taken away. These people I see dying are at the end of their life, lived their life. Iv seen both sides of death. Nothing seems important any more. You have lost the most important person in your life your mum. Have you had grief counselling to talk through your feelings?. Everyone on here are all in the same boat we have lost someone we love. Hope you get the help that you need and good advice from here. Take care x

Grief is the price we pay for love and it is worth every tear. I speak from experience, the heartache which we feel when we are bereaved is unimaginable. Yet, one day we shall meet our loved ones again, when the time is right and all shall be well.

My love and sympathy to all of you, MaryLip