My husband died on Wednesday, suddenly and unexpectedly. We had been out for a picnic by the river and had a lovely time. We drove home and I went upstairs to change. When I came down ( just minutes later) he was in his chair and said he felt strange and said he felt panicky. I got him a drink and the next minute he slumped sideways and was making strange noises. He was unconscious. I was terrified. The ambulance arrived quickly but they couldnt save him. He had had a cardiac arrest. I cannot take it in! How can someone be here 1 minute and life is normal and then dead and life has imploded. I feel like I’m going crazy. I can’t eat, can’t sleep because I’m scared to sleep. Thats because yesterday I nodded off in my chair and woke up and had totally forgotten that he was gone. I looked at the dining table where he often sat reading and he wasnt there. Then I thought he must be in the kitchen. Then reality hit me like a sledge hammer and I went into hysterics. I keep walking round the house looking for him and then panic when I can’t find him. I know he’s dead but my brain seems incapable of believing it. I feel like I’m going crazy. I keep torturing myself with endless questions like did he know how much I loved him, did I say it often enough, was I impatient with him, should I have noticed something, did I phone the ambulance fast enough? I keep wanting to talk to him. I even thought I would phone him. I don’t want to be here. I want to be with him. He talked about us arranging to go together when we felt the time was right. I wanted that too. He went without me. We would have been married 50 years this October. Life feels meaningless and pointless. The pain is both physical and mental. How do we go on when there feels no point and you don’t want to go on? I can’t say those things to my son because he feels I should want to be here for him and my grandson so then i feel selfish as well as griefstricken. I am wracked with guilt about everything I believe I should have done more of to show how much I loved and valued him whilst he was here. I feel like I’m just marking time until my turn comes. How do people live on when their partners are suddenly just gone? For all of you who are in this unspeakable pain, I send love. Thank you for listening. X
Hi BarbaraD, i am sorry for your loss and that you are now on this path. I am afraid you are very early in your grief. Your brain will be all over the place. Please just try and do the basics, i know its hard but please try and eat,drink and sleep. I know they might seem impossible at the moment. If you are crying a lot drinking is important, as you will be dehydrated. Feel free to rant or ramble, we all know what you are going through. Please try and look after yourself and its one step at a time.
Barbara, So sorry for your loss. It is so recent that you are in shock. All of us on this site are going through this so we do understand. We have all been through the guilts, I could have done more, if I had only. I do it. My Darling wife of 52 years left me in April 2024. I have done the wake up and go to speak the her, then realize that she is not there. One small step at a time is all I could manage. Come on here for a chat, a rant, of just a ramble, we all do it and we all understand. I found that it helped me. If you are feeling really bad try and see your GP, Doctor. Your husband would not want you to feel this bad. Be kind to yourself, do not forget to eat and drink. Sending you a big hug like you would get from your son.
I know what you are going through. This happened to us just over a year ago. Chatting one minute then he was taken, in an instant. How can that be? Where are you? I need you. We need each other.
I relate to all that you have said. Its a hard journey we are now on, somehow having to build a new life x
@BarbaraD
So very sorry for you on the loss of your husband and I know exactly how you are feeling.
My John died on 6th March.
We’d had breakfast and getting ready to go out and I literally walked to my car to get my trainers and back into the house n John was sat on his stairs gasping for breath…
I phoned an ambulance and he had a cardiac arrest as they got him into the ambulance and shut the doors on me, not unkindly but they had to work on him. That was the last time I saw him alive…
I know how you are feeling now, shock, disbelief, totally bereft, guilt and traumatised. For the next 8/9 weeks I could not function and had no control over my thoughts which were everywhere and nothing made any sense. I was trying desperately to fill the void not realising I couldn’t. I had to see my doctor n he said it was most definitely trauma for me seeing the doors shut. I was prescribed meds to take the edge off They don’t take away the grief because nothing will but they help me to put things into perspective giving me the time n space to cry n wail and scream if I want to.
It’s the worst time in our lives but now at week 14 I feel a certain amount of peace as I know for sure John is with me everywhere I go…I feel it and that gives me comfort.
The tears come but they go quicker…
I so hope you keep coming on here, the people help so much.
Love n hugs for you.
Hello Barbara, everything that has been said on here is so true. You are in complete shock, but by writing your feelings down you are doing a positive thing. I have found communicating on here is so helpful because everyone on here knows exactly how you are feeling.
Whereas those who haven’t been through the shock and pain really have no idea, not that it’s their fault, they have just been more fortunate, so far.
I lost my first husband when we were both young from a heart attack and the shock was truly devastating . I lost my second husband last year after 26 years of marriage from Cancer.
The only difference has been that my first husband died instantly in the gym and knew nothing. It’s not a competition but at least there is comfort in knowing that your dear husband’s suffering was short lived .
The fact that you were together for so long and were happy was a wonderful thing and I am sure your husband would have felt all the love and care you shared.
Take care of yourself. I am sure you don’t believe it but you are one very brave lady for communicating on here so early in your grief.
Dear Beryl, thank you for taking time in responding to me. Your, and other’s, words mean a lot.
I feel like my life has imploded, my life ended with my husband’s. The disbelief is massive. The guilt/regrets are so crippling. I didn’t react well when he said he felt panicky. I got impatient because I had tried to get him to breathe deeply and slowly because he did panic at times. I keep going over my unkind reaction. Within seconds he was gone. I keep asking myself if he knew how much I love him. My mind is not my friend at the moment. I even wish the same thing could happen to me so this pain would stop, then I feel guilty for thinking that. Sending love to you and thank you again. xxx
Thank you Nightwish for your time in responding to me. I really do feel like I am going crazy. Reading all the messages on here tells me that everything feels crazy and upside down because that’s how it is. I cannot envisage a life without my husband. I don’t want a life without him in it. Sending love and thank you again. x
@BarbaraD
Morning… You have to remember that not long before your husband passed away that you’d both been out and had a picnic and had a wonderful loving happy time.
He knew you loved him in that moment and you knew he loved you.
When you say you were impatient with him it could be that you were panicking as well whilst trying to help him. Most people would be exactly the same.
You have had a very traumatic experience and you’re trying to piece together all that happened that day. You can’t do that just yet so just cry and take it a minute or hour at a time. Your brain and mind can’t function properly yet.
Do you have family and close friends who you can talk with about your happy times. There’s bound to be loads of those in the wonderful years you were together plus the normal bickering everyone has with their other half. It’s human nature to love and also to disagree sometimes.
Try n have a walk out or do the garden if the weather is kind. If you’re crying at the same time, what the hell, it doesn’t matter…
It’s a tough journey we’re all on but we will get through it…
Dear Rob05 thank you for your kind words. I am so sorry for the loss you, and everyone on here, are enduring. I don’t know how to carry on and the days feel endless. I keep thinking of all the endless days stretching ahead without my husband in them.
I don’t know how to reply to people’s nessages properly on here. I’m sorry if this has come through as a personal message. Thank you again. x
Dear Lydia thank you so very much. It is already a relief to understand and to be understood. I have had grief in the past which felt so painful. The difference was that I had my husband and our life alongside the loss of my psrents. I still had my life with him. It now feels like my life is over. Nothing is as it should be. I feel utterly lost and feel like all I see ahead is darkness. Thank you again. Sending love x
Mitzi, you can’t imagine what your kind words mean to me. I have re-read them. My husband has been gone just 4 days now, but it seems like a lifetime. The house is so quiet. He was a great talker and I sometimes wished for some quietness. Oh how I wish he was here now chatting away. Thank you again, so very much. I have always been hard on myself and expect too much of myself. Your words about panicking myself and my reaction to him mean such a lot. I hadn’t seen it that way. Thank you more than I can express. Sending love x
Oh Barbara, That really resonates with me. I’d ask my husband a question and he’d go off on a tangent and talk and talk and talk and I’d have to say ‘Stop…I don’t need to know all that’ Now I’d give anything to be able to listen to him…he knew so much and I’d say to him ‘I don’t know how you fit all that knowledge inside your head’
Sending love xx
Dear Lydia, I am giving you a hug. The silence now is deafening.
I so badly want to talk to him. Yesterday, I phoner his mobile. How crazy is that? Did I think he would answer? No, but I wanted to connect somehow with him again. I just cannot grasp that there will never be more lovely chats. He was always so interested in everything I did and always so proud. If I were brave enough, i would join him right now. I cannot do that to my son and grandson.
Thank you again. Sending love xxx
Hi, i do a grief journal that helps and sometimes i even WhatsApp Sue. Just telling her how much i miss her and how much i love her.
You are not going crazy. I’m 20 weeks in and i still sometimes think Sue is going to walk through the door and give me one of her smiles. Which still melt my heart. This path is hard so please look after yourself.
@BarbaraD
I also rang my Johns mobile days after he passed and I don’t know why…I knew he couldn’t answer but something made me do it.
John passed suddenly in March, one minute there the next gone…traumatic is the word.
He was a very intelligent man who could talk n talk but always very interesting but I only had two n half years sadly. We met late in life and he’s my soulmate. I’d kissed a few frogs but he turned into the prince.
We didn’t live together but had talked about it but I held back because we’d both been divorced.
I was used to my house n being on my own but we spent lots of time at each others houses.
Wonderful times…
Like your husband my John was proud of all I did and actively encouraged me to do things. He used to say ‘grow wings and fly’ and ‘seize the day’. Miss him terribly but it’s a bit easier now. The tears come but go quicker.
I’m so grateful to my two sons and family who have been supportive and because of that love we have for our family we couldn’t leave them could we.?
Oh Mitzi, there are no words really to explain how this feels are there? Words like horrendous, awful, etc don’t begin to describe it.
Grief does such brutal things to the mind. All I can see is time stretching endlessly ahead without my husband. It feels both unbearable and undoable. Thank you so much. I hope you have a bearable day. Love xxx
I sent my husband a WhatsApp yesterday. I told him the things that I should have told him whilst he was with me. We seem to take life and happiness and our beloved partners for granted as if also taking for granted that they will always be here. Then our World implodes and then the if onlys start. Sending you warmest wishes. x
I don’t know if I should start a separate email. I just want to ask for help please. The pain today is brutal and I feel so hopeless. I keep thinking about the only way out that will stop this pain and anguish. I’m scared that I would botch it and end up being a dreadful problem for my son. My husband used to say that when we got to a point of having had enough, we would make a plan to go together because we aren’t meant to be apart. That always gave me comfort and lessened the fear of being without him. Everything changed on Wednesday when he died suddenly of a cardiac arrest. So now he’s gone and I am without him and in such pain and terror and not knowing how to be without him. We were together for 52 years and even though he’s only been gone for 4 days, it feels like an eternity since I last was with him. I don’t want to continue and feel so lost. If only we would have had time to put our plan together. Neither of us would then have to be without the other. Thank you for listening. It feels bad offloading this onto you all, but I am struggling so badly. xxx
@BarbaraD
It’s very early days for you and your head and emotions completely out of control. I feel so badly for you.
If you are having such intense feelings you must ring Samaritans probably right now and talk to them. It cannot do any harm and they may be able to help you just with kind words. Promise you will do that
You have to think of your son who you and your husband created together so he is part of your husband so you love him and need to make sure he’s ok now his dad has passed…He needs you as his mum to be there for him.
Keep posting in here as we all know how you are feeling.