It has been 8 weeks since i lost my beautiful wife i am really struggling with it all i have is our forever home full of memories and dreams she was was far to young ti be taken i cry all.the time and i know i have good memories why does it make me sad
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23 weeks in and i still canāt believe, that i am getting ready to go to a bereavement coffee morning. Hung out my washing.
I am not suicidal, but i am finding it hard well like everyone very hard. I try to remember the good times,look at her pictures with a smile and a tear.
Take care
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So sorry to hear what youāre going through, it is a tough journey that so many on here are going through. I identify completely with where you are, surrounded by so many memories every day in your home and the emptiness you must be feeling. Many people have said to me cherish the memories I shared with my husband but Iāve just found them even more upsetting, remembering what we had and what will never be. May be in time (itās 9 months since my loss) I can take comfort from all the wonderful memories I shared with my husband. I am now having to face life on my own and miss the company, laughter and many outings I shared with my much loved husband. Getting through the night I have found so tough at times and starting a fresh day, having little motivation and wondering what the point of my life is here on my own. I am lucky I have two wonderful sons and grandchildren who I see weekly and feel I need to make an effort for them even though I have no motivation to do so. I do find coming on here helps me where I can vent my feelings with people sadly going down this lonely path. Please stay strong, sending you best wishes and remember you are not alone as is so evident on this forum.
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Thank you so much for your kind words i wish i had ppl around me but i am in this alone i just hate every day
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Nedh
Gosh I remember where you are well we had 1 week at home palliative care but the pain was too much they couldnāt get on top of it they wanted him in hospice but he wouldnāt go the 2nd week with no sleep and vomiting blocked small bowel we had ambulance take us to hospice he was screaming in pain looked soo ill he said goodbye home we had a week in hospice which was horrendos but we were in a cuddle bed the last few days when they gave him sedation so at peace Itās sounds silly but i would do anything to go back just to touch him hold him so please donāt let go and tell her how much you love her her hearing is the last thing to go x
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I cry every day too and its been about 36 weeks since my husband died. Bless you. xx
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Hello. Heartofgold
My partner also lost so much weight and muscle mass, He just didnāt look like my Brian anymore. He was 75 but very fit bootcamp fitness 3-5 times a week ex Rugby player. Looking and acting more like a man in very early sixties probably even younger. He had colon cancer stage 4 told in January this year,February how bad it was giving two and half years. Managed chemotherapy Twice only lasted under 6 months. We were so positive he would make it because he was so very fit. And had beaten prostate cancer twice, then he had no symptoms or any side effects from treatment all done in a day .But this time so very different I canāt believe heās gone I just donāt know how to carry on with out him. Feel so lonely I canāt even put into words the heartbreaking feelingās. Still in shock No wish to really do anything in a daze and yes disconnected from a world
That seems to be full of happy couples
I have a daughter and Grandchildren who are close by .But Iām sad to say I donāt want to keep going I keep asking for Brian to come and get me so we can be together.
I know thatās so selfish of me but itās how I feel right now its less than 2 months since he passed. I just canāt stop crying .people say it gets better. BUT how can get better.
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@33-S
Hello,
Thank you for your reply and I completely understand.
Itās just impossible to come to terms with.
I have to be honest and say that I am really struggling with my darling partnerās loss.
I miss him and everything about him desperately, especially his companionship.
We were so close, always together constantly, and relied on each other for everything.
I feel so very lonely, isolated and solitary, with just the tv for company and the odd phone call, here and there.
Iām not used to my own company at all.
The loss is indescribable, and I just want him back.
He was an amazing person. Loving, kind, gentle and caring with a heart of gold.
I can never get over losing him.
We had something very special together and Iām completely devastated.
We should have had so many, many more years ahead of us.
Like you, I really donāt know how Iām supposed to carry on, and I worry about the future constantly, and it scares me.
I keep telling myself that I have to get used to the loneliness, but itās not easy and itās causing me to have anxiety and panic attacks.
This isnāt the life that we dreamed about and planned for.
Itās tragic and sad beyond words.
I can only be honest about how I feel.
Eve xx
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Hello everyone, I have been missing for a few days but have been reading your messages.
My Michaelās funeral was on Monday and although it was heartbreaking, it was a beautiful service filled with songs that had special meaning to us and 2 poems. My son and 13 year old grandson decided at the last minute that they wanted to hel0 carry the coffin. I thought my heart would explode. I actually felt some peace because Michael was given the love and care he deserved. The next day I got up and was in pieces. My main thought was " so now what"? It was like the full enormity of losing my best friend, my soul mate and my beloved hit me, perhaps fully, since his sudden cardiac arrest. I feel terrified of being abandoned. Not sure where that comes from. Itās as if Iām waiting for people to think āoh sheāll be alright nowā Thatās in my head I know but I have an inbuilt fear of being ātoo muchā for people of making people miserable. I donāt even know how I feel most of the time. I feel so cut off and just wrong in myself everything feels wrong. I feel exhausted trying not to look back because itās too painful and not daring to look forward because itās too terrifying. So much guilt and questions, did he know how much I Ioved him, did I take him for granted, was I kind enough, did he know he was my World, and on and on. I am thinking of you all and enpathising with your pain and sorrow. I apologise if my post was all āme, me meā. Love to you all and thank you for reading my miserable missive. Xxx
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Hi I just wanted to reassure you that all the feelings you are having are very common, I myself can identify with everything you have said. Itās 9 months since I lost my soulmate, my best friend my dear husband. What Iām going through I wouldnāt wish on my worst enemy and I wonder how people get through such trauma as losing the love of your life. I had quite a bit of support from friends and family to begin with but of course everyone has their own lives to live. Iāve been hurt too by the lack of contact from a dear friend who I thought would have been there for me. I now get upset and doubt the good friendship I thought we had. She has told me she knew I would find the loss of my husband hard because of our close was and to focus on my family, keep busy and go out and about. I do all these but little does she know the hurt etc follows wherever you go. The coming home to an empty house, seeing the chair where my husband sat, the dog etc he did in the house etc etc constant memories of what once was, all gone and never to return. How I miss our outings, holidays etc together, the chats and laughter ā¦all gone! Unless you have experienced the loss of a soulmate you cannot begin to know what wretched feelings that are thrust upon you. The awful sleepless nights, constant tears and upset, and the one person who would see you through any such sorrow etc is not there and never will be ā¦.seems too much to bare. In all my 68 years Iāve never experienced such sadness and loss but know I have to learn to live with it ā¦I am trying so hard and at times am exhausted by it. I hope I havenāt gone on too much but just wanted to share and hopefully help in some way others going through such a dreadful time. I wish anyone treading this awful path comfort, hope and peaceā¦.and remember youāre not alone as shown on this forum.
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Barbara D
I am so sorry for your loss but really delighted for you that you had some joy from the funeral and the involvement of your son and grandson. That sounds very special.
All the feelings you have expressed about been abandoned and about been too much for other people , I am having exactly the same(our funeral is 29th) which I am dreading and feel utterly exhausted already having spent that last 15-20 days caring formally at home and watching her take her final breath. I feel nobody wants to know because they donāt want to be saddened and in part I understand but I feel totally alone and isolated . I went to my sister in laws today for bbq. Didnāt want to but thought I should and not once did they mention Sally( my wife who sided and her sister. I tried to bring Sally( my wife and sole mate who died last Monday)into conversations but it was almost brushed over ā¦. didnāt want to know. when I got back home I burst into tears and shouted why donāt they want to talk about Sally I was extremely upset . I gathered myself and walked to a very kind neighbourhood who was a very good friend of Sally and minding my dog for the afternoon and cried again and she was most helpful and caring so there are people who care . What a beautiful person I thought as I came back into my empty house. So there are people who care and there are people who are frightened by our bereaving
I may have topped your me me me 
, sorry but a big hug from me to you. Itās an incredible cross that we all carry but this community helps lighten the load . Thanks you for sharing
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Hi Maisie 7
You could have written this for me. Exhaustion exhausted drained . Nothing like this has any tried any form of meditation or anything just to ease the pain just a fraction
I find the grief totally debilitating a lot of the time.
Without this community I would be totally lost
Thank you
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BarbaraD,
It sounds like a beautiful service.
I understand your fears as i lost all my confidence, when my wife went.
This is your grief, do what you feel comfortable with. I think a lot of people think grief ends at the funeral, for them i think it does, they say their goodbyes.
We donāt, we will still carry are grief and always will.
Nedh,
I think people donāt like talking about our loved one, for fear of upsetting us. They donāt understand that it will upset us, but we need it, we want our loved one to be remembered.
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Hello to you all I havenāt written for a few weeks but after nearly two months things are still very hard. Beautiful Funeral lots of family and friends But when itās over your back to being by yourself . We new what we wanted Cremation but we never really asked each other about afterwards. I arranged for small plot in a Cemetary large enough for when my time came. There was to be a two week delay I didnāt want my wife sitting on a shelf in a Funeral Parlour so I brought her home in a pretty willow casket. Thatās where my soul searching started we were married a long time and asked myself what would I want and I new straight away she would want to wait with me. So I asked around even the undertaker said many hold back and I found it surprising how many couples do it this way. I hope this may help cause it took an aweful not sure what away.
Dear Nedh, Maisie and Nightwish, your words always mean so much to me. I feel so sad and sorry that you are all going through such pain and yet you still take time, yes and emotional energy, to respond to others. I read your words and realise that, even though itās all so horrendous, itās 'normal" for whatās happened to us.
Nedh I will be thinking of you on the 29th with fervent hope that you will cope with your Sallyās final goodbye.
It may well be that people donāt want to upset us and I know that being with someone who is grieving can be deeply troubling to people and if you are a sensitive person, then you feel that and try everything to avoid uosetting them. You are so right Nightwish about people not realising that not talking about our loved one, is even more upsetting than they could ever realise. My Michael cannot and must not be relegated to history as if he never existed so everyone can pretend that everything is fine. Thankfully, I do have a friend who sadly lives a distance away, who phones me and encourages me to talk about Michael. I know that a lot of my fears come from when I was growing up. Sayings like " Laugh and the World laughs with you, Cry and you cry alone". Another one was " just because you are feeling miserable does not give you the right to go out there and make others miserable". So many more of this type of thing. So, i was brought up to put a smile on my face, never ask for anything from other people, always put others first, etc. All of these are back with me big time. So I am comstantly apologising and even found myself, yesterday, apologising incase I was getting on someoneās nerves for apologising! I think we have all lost the one person in our lives with whom we could ājust beā and know we were loved warts n all. Iām sending love and hugs to you all and hoping we will all be given the strength we need to endure this pain. We are having to discover who we actually are now. We were part of a whole and now it feels like half of us has been torn away. Thank you for listening. Thank goodness for this group. Xxx 
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Thank you dear Sheppard, I have been contacted to say they have my husbandās ashes. Like you I want to keep them so that when my time comes, we can be scattered together at our favourite cove in Pembrokeshire , where we all went every year. I hope that it will bring you a glimmer of comfort to know that this is your decision and one that your wife would want too. Sending hugs x
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I am the same, Sue sits here next to the ashes of two of are cats. I thought i would scatter them straight away on her favourite beach. Then i got them back and i canāt do it. So i have sorted out my funeral and it is part of it,that we will be scattered together on the beach.
BarbaraD a nice reply.
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Please donāt apologise, Iām sure we all understand and recognise what you are feeling and going through. I certainly understand exactly how you are feeling and sympathise. Take care, and be kind to yourself
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Thank you lovely Maisie. Sending hugs xxx
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I have done exactly same as you bought my husbandās ashes home as we hadnāt discussed anything after cremation. Then I asked myself what would he want and I knew he would want to stay with me until they could be joined together. Iāve had them home with me for over a year now and get a lot of comfort knowing that this is what he would have wanted. Take care of yourself x