I also can’t drive at the moment, and am using the bus. One an hour and no service on Sunday. Like we say we are not living, we just seem to be keeping going. Take care brummy.
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Sorry forgot to say have a word with your gp about counselling. They helped to sort mine out.
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HeartofGold
I feel the same Simon loved me so hard wouldn’t let me do a anything a true gentleman I fancied him even after 30 years he also suffered for 2 years Cancer operations chemo nothing worked and a painful horrific death god I hate this keep looking at the sofa where he laid all I have now is a beautiful teardrop urn means nothing thought it would give me comfort
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@Maxandlala2
It’s so, so sad. Sadly, nothing can bring us comfort, and the worst thing is that this is forever. This is just a very quiet and empty house now without him. His place on the sofa is empty, so is his chair at the dining table, the bed, everything. I didn’t think it was possible to feel so heartbroken, scared, lonely and isolated. I can’t bear this pain, I really cant. What am I supposed to do without him? I can’t believe he’s gone, when he fought so bravely to live. He wanted to live 
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Thank you.Its been so hot today.Havent had the best of days.Came back worn out.Back to the emptyness and lonelliness but i suppose that will be my life now.Not living just "plodding on’.The buses here are every 90 minutes nothing on sundsays or bank holidays.We could not drive so relied on public transport.My wife and i always used to have a break in october when our anniversary was.That is going to be so painfull too.We loved the countryside and coast Bambugh we liked with the lovely beach and one of the most picturesque cricket grounds.Take care
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Hi brummy,
I have to admit i am dreading October. We got married in October the day before Sue’s birthday.
Bamburgh is a beautiful beach and the cricket ground next to the castle. It was one of are last days out a walk around the castle and then onto the beach for a picnic.
Hi Nightwish1
It was my wifes birtday in may.I dont know how i came through that.I took some flowers to her grave and i just coudnt stop crying The Grief sort of hits you in waves.when i was in chester shopping today i went into a Church/cafe in the centre of town.I spoke to the minister who was really nice.I told him about my wife and how sudden she was taken.He asked me what she was like as a person.It did help me talking to him even though i still cried when i came out.He gave me details of a cafe that helps bereaved people.I may go and have a look next saturday as i work duing the week.I seem to walk around the house in a daze most of the time.I keep saying to my wife i love her and wish she was still here.I keep saying "sorry’ to her.Feel so much guilt.We used to like Bambugh went to a tearoom called Copper Kettle i think and stayed in a guest house in Seahouses.
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I really empathise with all you have said. We were going to arrange a holiday in Beadnell. We love Northumberland. Our Golden Wedding would have been in October. My husband was so excited to plan something. This is the 1st day I havent seem family since the 11th June when my beloved husband died. It has been a bad day. I have never lived alone before. I dont know how to continue. This is now forever and I can’t grasp that. We talked non stop about anything and everything. It’s so quiet and empty. I feel so broken. I fear leaning on my son too much because he cant deal with my huge emotions. He is dealing with the loss of his Dad by putting it out of his head and being busy. I hate where I am, I hate being like this and I hate myself and my neediness. Thank you for listening. Love to you all. X
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@brummy
I fully empathise with you Brummy. The circumstances that we find ourselves in are just so difficult and beyond words. It was so nice of the minister to take the time to ask you about your beloved wife and to offer details for a bereavement cafe. I know exactly what you mean about walking around the house in a daze… like a lost soul. I find myself doing that too, when there’s so much for me to be getting on with. Sadly, I’m not in the right frame of mind to do anything. I feel so bad today. Very lonely and lost. I popped out earlier to pick up some bread and milk. Everyone around me was so happy and with their loved ones, all in high spirits due to the lovely weather. I was like a lost soul and feeling so disconnected from the world. I burst into tears and had to face a wall to compose myself. Not that anybody noticed or cared. I eventually managed to pick up some bread and milk and returned home to emptiness and loneliness, without my darling soulmate. I’m usually really motivated and full of energy… now I think what’s the point of anything. I miss my darling partner so much. I just cannot see how I can live a life feeling like this. This is torture.
Eve
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Heartofgold
You have wrote my feelings too.Why were we dealt this awful grief we have to encounter by losing our partner.I talk to my wife alot.Keep telling her i love her and wish she was still with me.I keep apologizing for not doing more for her.I am not overly religious but i did find the ministers conversation helpfull.I just needed someone to physically talk to someone that could relate to the grief and pain i/we are all going through.I think i mentioned to someone on a previous post about the phone calls stopping.As soon as the funerals over the calls seem to dry up as if people think we are ok?i know its a frantic manic world we inhabit and people have their own lives and families.THere is so much to be done here too but i just cannot bring myself to do anything.I cant move any of my wifes clothes even her magazines and books.her glasses are still on the table where she left them and her placemat at the table is till set.I wonder sometimes if i am going mad?I agree with what you said you encountered when you went out.It was the same with me.I went int town on the bus and all around town people with their loved ones and being happy.I though that was how i was once but never again.That has been taken from us.I was so sorry no one noticed when you got upset.when i got back home i burst into tears again.That seems to be how life is now.If this is life what is the point of a future like this?I agree it is torture.Just as you think youre not crying as much,then suddenly it hits you again.Never feel alone we will always be here on this site to help and support you.Take care
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This loneliness is hard. Most of us have never lived alone, and it takes some adjustment if we ever get used to it.
Brummy am glad you have found a cafe to go to. The Cooper kettle was one of Sue’s favourites, she loved the scones. We even went up when you were allowed in covid for take away scones.
Beadnell is lovely, very busy in the summer, but another nice beach. We used to go up in autumn winter and spring. You can see Dunstanburgh castle from there.
HeartofGold it is still very early for you,don’t rush things. Your brain is all over the place. Please just try and look after yourself.
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Nightwish1
I have never lived alone.I had always been with my parents or my wife.Now its just emptiness and lonelliness.Someone suggested having a few days away but to be honest even that would hurt me as my wife and i always went away together.i would find being alone so painfull.We loved our holidays and breaks.the last place we went was York last october but she was not very well so we came back early.That was the last time we went away.The year before we went to llandudno.I took some photos of herOne is in the living room on the mantlepiece another is on my bedside table.So i can always see her>i just so wish she was still here and we didnt have to have this awfull grief and pain.Beadnell is another lovely place.We used to come up to Newcastle on the train then a bus Arriva or Travelsure i think.Sometimes had to change at Alnwick.There is some lovely scenery around Northuberland and the castles too.
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Hi everybody, what on earth would we do without this wonderful site to let our true feelings out ? I feel as though I am living in a different world to everyone else. Especially at the moment in this lovely weather. I sat in my garden this afternoon, just as I would have done with my wonderful husband,and could hear other people’s laughter and felt so alone.
I am so tired of those who have never lost their soulmate saying ‘life goes on , he would have wanted you to enjoy your life !
No he wouldn’t! he knew exactly how I would be without him.
It is so good to come on here amongst people who really understand and speak our language.
Thank you to you all for being the very best of support X
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Beryl1B
Thank you for your lovely message.You have said exactly what i am thinking.
What would we do without this wonderfull site with such lovely people who post/write/talk on here.As well meaning that many people are they do not truly understand what we are going through unless they have lost their partner.The grief,the pain,the guilt,the “what ifs"If onlys”.The lonelliness especially if you have little family and fiends.The empyness of a house and bedroom/bed.Are we living in a world different to everyone else?yes i think we are.Our world now consists of a future of just us alone now.Eating alone living alone,sleeping alone.What sort of future is that?i know everyone is different some of us can maybe adjust a little better but at the moment 4 months since my dear wife passed i cannot see any future if that makes any sense?As you said other peoples laughter and happiness.For us just sadness and upsetSomeone said to me once"you have to carry on,its what your wife would have wanted’Like you my wife would have known exactly how i would be without her.We loved each other,i still love her and i always will love her.Thank you for your lovely message and to everyone on here too.
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@brummy
Thank you Brummy. When I’m feeling particularly alone, scared and panicky… which is most of the time, I reach out to this forum. The world just appears so cold and uncaring. I feel very disconnected from it. Everyone living in their own little bubble, not caring about anyone else. I have some extended family, but they’re literally strangers to me. After my mum’s funeral 8 years ago, nobody has contacted me. My parents were the glue that held everyone together. Now that they’re gone, nobody’s interested or wants to know. Sadly, family isn’t what it used to be. People have changed so much. To be honest, for as long as I had my lovely partner, I felt loved, safe and cared for. He was taken away from me far too soon and there is now a massive hole in my life and all I feel is pain, loss and grief. We used to talk about everything, big things, little things, anything. Sitting here in silence trying to watch rubbish tv, but unable to focus in any way at all, is just painful to the core. But this is my life now… and somehow, I will have to get used to it. I just don’t know how, I really don’t. I miss him desperately
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I am pleased that you found my message helpful brummy. I wish I had the ability to make the pain better, but I am always here to listen. I find that it helps to let all the pain, disbelief and anger out to those who truly understand your pain.
I always found caring and supporting my dear husband a privilege and feel cross when I hear people moaning and groaning about trivial matters.
Take good care of yourself .
HeartofGold
I agree entirely with what you said in your last post.I feel alone and scared too.I panicked when i couldnt find the door key.It was still in the door.I said to my wife who i speak to alot."i cannot carry on like this"i cannot cope without you"some people may have "coped’ so far?but its a case of survival just going from day to day exsisting not really living.My wife was everything to me.She looked after me,loved me,cooked lovely meals for me,washed for me.Now there is nothing but emptyness lonelliness.We did everything together now its just me.What when i become ill?Who would come to my aid?i gave a spare key to a neighbour i trust but they are often away.I am so glad we have this forum.As you say the world seems so cold and uncaring.Everyone getting on with their own lives.Dont get me wrong everyone has their families etc but like today in town or hearing neighbours laughing and joking in this hot weather then there is me feeling like i am going to burst into tears at any moment.I am not overly religious but i have sort solace in a church just to be in quiet away from the manic world we are inhabiting on this painful lonely journey we sadly find ourselves on.I lost my mum and dad and it was awfull but this is worse.Deep soul destroying grief and pain.My wifes mum passed away here at home too in her bed.She never really got over the shock of finding her.I am so sorry that you are not in regular contact with your family.Its so sad but seems to be the way families are nowadays a sign of the times.Disconnected families seem to be the way of things nowadays.Years ago there was more of a family togetherness and caring for one another.Its all very sad really.Cousins i have 1 very good one,her son is going to be an executor when i make a new will.Like yourself when i had my dear wife i was loved cared for and felt safe.Now all that has gone.My life will never be the same again.Reliving that awfull day with paramedics doing CPR in the living room unable to save her.When i put the tv on cannot focus on it.I find i have no intersts in interests i had.A lot of intersts my wife and i shared.whats the point now she is no longer here?No more holidays together.Whats the point in holidays without my dear wife?This is how the future is now.I worked for both of us to provide for her have a break together.Now why i work is just to pay the billsLike yourself i just dont know how i will get used to all this.Take care.We will all help and support you on here.
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Thank you Beryl1B for your support
Thank you for listening to me and thank you all on here to for your support.I agree with what you say about people moaning and groaning about trivialities.Take good care of yourself too.
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You sum up what so many on this forum are feeling. The emptiness of the home, looking at the sofa, chair etc where they once sat. The sheer despair of knowing you will never see them again, the pain panicky feelings that brings. 8 months have passed since my husband died suddenly and unexpectedly, I never had chance to say goodbye. We had so many plans now I feel I’m left with nothing and wondering how to exist without my dear husband. I’m 68 and worry about growing old all on my own, something I had never thought about. I’ve had so many meltdowns with uncontrollable tears, never have I felt such pain and sadness. I still have times when I can’t believe he’s gone. Friends and family were all there at the beginning of my loss but I hardly hear from them now little do they know how wretched I’m feeling. I guess they think I’m over the worst,
If so they are so wrong, facing and living without my soulmate now that’s the worst. A friend told me to focus on my family she has no idea how grief works, it’s constantly with you no matter where or what you do. Sending strength to all those walking the same path as I am, a dark lonely journey.
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Maisie7
You have said what many people on this forum are feeling.Its been 4 months since my dear wife passed very suddenly here in the living room.I keep reliving what happened with the CPR and the paramedics unable to save her.They tried but it was too late.That was the moment my life changed for ever.Whatever this future life consists of?I have tried to cope but its impossible to be honest.The lonelliness the emptyness.I have gone back to work a case of having to pay the bills.Sick pay is very poor.Then coming back to the empty house.It was the suddeness of it all happening so quick thats really hit me and the realisation i will never see her again.Not being able to say goodbye i have found so hard to live with.I talk to her a lot continualy saying to her i wish she was still here,keep saying sorry for not doing more for her.We had plans for the future too now nothing.Whats the point of holidays interests etc now?Im 63 and i too worry about growing old alone.What about when i am ill?Its just me now.My dear wife couldnt even enjoy her pension and we were looking forward to retirement togetherI too still have times when i cannot believe she has gone.Its all like a bad dreamMy friends and family are like yours.They were all supportive at the start of my loss and grief then after the funeral hardly anything.They dont realise unless they have experienced a loss as we have>the grief and pain.Out of all losses i think the loss of a partner is the worstThe thought of facing a future alone and without my dear wife is so painfull.You are right the grief is with you constantly wherever you are and what you are doing.I do genuinly understand what you are going through and everything you said.
Take Care
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