I totally agree with all you’ve said particularly losing a spouse is the worst loss ever and really does feel impossible to recover from. We were together 24/7 since retiring and so enjoyed each other’s company.
I went through a similar scenario as you except that mine was sitting in my doctor’s surgery room with practically the whole medical team there trying to save my husband’s life for an hour waiting for the ambulance to arrive. They did stabilise his condition and told me my husband would be okay just before the paramedics took him away. That was the last time I saw
my husband alive. Also the day before he had been given the all clear by the surgeon who operated on his aorta anerysm then had a bad turn the next day. So the sudden and unexpected death was such a shock to me and family and friends.
No one can understand what we are going through unless they have lost their spouse.
I feel like I’m treading water a lot of the time but have experienced so many times that I’m drowning and pining for the love and company of my husband.
Stay strong all out there in my position.
Dear Maisie and everyone, I empathise with everything being said. It feels to me like I am just marking time until it’s my turn.
My husband has been gone 1 week and his death was sudden and unexpected too. He had a cardiac arrest here in our living room. The ambulance came quickly and they carried out their work infront of me, but they couldn’t save him. For him it was instant and in our home. I can’t get the scene out of my head.
I cannot imagine how I can live without him. We were together for 52 years. It would have been our Golden wedding in October.
I never thought he would go without me.
You are all going through this utter agony too and I’m sending love to all of you. Everything feels surreal doesn’t it? How can the most imprtant person in our lives be gone? The need to talk to my husband is so painful. Maisie, it really does feel like drowning in the longing for our beloved ones. My husband was a real talker and would read things out that he was reading. Just a few days before he died, I remember thinking " oh Michael please stop talking for 5 minutes and let me have some peace". Be careful what you wish for. Oh, what I would give now to hear him chattering away.
Everything reminds us that we are alone doesn’t it. Even the simple act of making a cup of tea. I am still in disbelief that he could be here one minute and gone the next. All the plans, all the daily, inconsequential rituals we all have, now gone. A bomb has imploded our World and we sit in the total destruction of our lives. I am told it won’t feel as raw after a while. I don’t know but the fact will be the same, my Michael has gone and my life feels over. Thinking of you all and sending hugs. xxx
So its Sunday morning, 21 weeks since my Sue went ahead of me. It will be 5 months on Wednesday.
I am sat here alone in mind and spirit, knowing i will not see anyone again today. A phone call ? I could try phoning someone but after the last few times 2 weeks ago.
Sunday used to be a time Sue would take us down to her favourite beach in most weather’s. Then cook a nice proper meal at tea time. Now i don’t have the energy or will to do anything. I know we are supposed to go for walks and keep busy. I do try and keep the house clean. I just feel i am going backwards at the moment.
Thank you to you all,this helps talking to people who are on the same path. I wish you weren’t. Take care and look after yourselves.
Oh god, I miss him so very, very much. It’s 3 months now and it feels like yesterday. I want him back. I can’t bear the thought of years ahead of me without him. I was 20 when we met. I’m 75 now. All the years of trials and tribulations of bringing up our family and now, really, although I know they care - a lot - they’ve got their own busy lives to lead and that’s the way it should be.
Nothing matters anymore. I speak to him and ask him what to do. I look over at his chair and at the photo next to it. It’s of both of us, and he’s waving at the camera.
We all have to lose our partner at some point, I know. I just don’t have any point of being here any longer. Ian’s gone, so he won’t grieve for me. I would hate for him to feel like this.
I so empathise with you. It really is a living nightmare. My husband died a week ago and I grasp that he’s gone forever. We were together for 52 years. You have been with Ian for 55 years. Half of us has gone. Like you I look at his chair and just cant grasp that he will never sit it in again and chat endlessly. I have never lived on my own before, never paid bills, and feel so frightened much of the time. We always said we would do something to go together as we knew one couldn’t live without the other. We never considered that a cardiac arrest would prevent that. Bless you and bless your Ian. Sending love x
Hello all, please can you help. I have just had a thought to torture me. As you know my Michael died a week ago from a cardiac arrest. I suddenly thought that if I had performed CPR, then I could have saved him. Why do our minds do such cruel things to us? This latest one is so dreadful. Thank you for listening. I am in turmoil x
Barbara, Stop It. What is done is done. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time. I have been there, What if I had taken her to A&E when I asked her. Why did I not go in the Ambulance. I did what I could with the knowledge I had at the time. Time for a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit. You are starting me off and I am not going there.
Your darling did not suffer long. He is not going through this grief. Give yourself a break. Have a good rant against the world on here. Sending you a huge hug, like from a brother.
BarbaraD,
I am afraid guilt is part of this process. We all have what ifs. I have been told by my counsellor and Doctor, that i have nothing to feel guilty about. Yet i do and i think i will always carry it.
Sue collapsed one night after finishing her first chemotherapy. I had to do cpr till the Ambulance arrived. Two Ambulance arrived and worked on her. They took Sue to the hospital, i followed in the other ambulance. When i got there i walked past the room she was being worked on, i could see them and the machines trying to keep her going. I was ushed into a waiting room. Then after a while a Doctor came to see me and told me her heart had stopped at least a couple of times on the journey down and with the cancer, they did not know what she would be like and only the machines were keeping her going. They went to see what was going on. Then came back and told me no improvement. So i had to say let her go. I think they had already made up there minds, but i had to say it. I sat with Sue as they turned off the machines played her favourite song and held her hand as she went. I felt and heard my heart break. I stayed with her a while talking to her and crying. Two people died that night. So i will always feel guilty for having to say them words. I know it was for the best,but how are you supposed to get over that. So please i know it’s so hard and you’re brain will have a lot of stuff going on,try not to feel guilty about what ifs.
Today, I tasked myself with one of the most painful things that I have ever experienced. I had to go shopping to select clothes for my beautiful angel to be buried in. He has a wardrobe full of clothes, but due to the cancer which took him from me, he lost so much weight and muscle mass, sadly becoming almost unrecognisable. His existing clothes would now swamp him. So, as painful and heartbreaking as it was, I had to really push myself to do this… for him. I tried my best to select clothing that he would like and I had to guess which size to get. I really hope that he would like what I’ve chosen. I had absolutely no energy or desire to do this, but somehow I managed to do it. My angel must have been by my side helping me along. It wasn’t easy, and I felt so very deeply sad and lonely the whole time and in a daze, totally disconnected from what was going on around me. These will be the last clothes that I will ever buy for him and it kills me. When I returned home, there was a childrens birthday party going on in the garden next door. Please don’t get me wrong… I don’t begrudge, but it was probably the last thing I needed, to be in such close proximity to joy, fun and laughter. It’s just another very painful reminder of how life goes on for everyone else, while my entire world and future have imploded. I’m curled up on the sofa now looking at the seat my darling sweetheart would sit in, and he’s not there. It’s empty. This is so very lonely. We would be chatting away, happily making plans for the week ahead and enjoying each other company, without a care in the world. Wow… how life can change. I still can’t believe it… 58 years old. It’s tragic beyond belief. I just don’t know what to do, I really don’t. The pain is excruciating and I miss him like crazy. He was my world.
Maisie7
I was so sorry to hear what you went through with your husband.We put a lot of faith in the doctors nurses and consultants.I dont want to be critical but end of january my dear wife went back to the consultant at the hospital.Her platelet count/level had not gone up since she last went in december last year.When they told her she got really upset.She had been on steroids then they put her on some other tablets with the steroids.The side effects were awfull.What really hurt me was the consultant said to her"dont worry everything will be ok"within 4 weeks she was gone.I dont think i will ever get over this.Im trying my best to carry on but its so hard.My wife was everything to me.We did everything together.She did so much for me.Loved me cared for me everthing you could wish a wife to be.My wifes mum and dad both had anerysms.Her dad knew he had one ,her mum didnt know.As you say unless someone has experienced what we have they dont really know how it feels the grief and pain.I feel exactly as you explained pining for the love and company of my wife.I just wish was still here with me.
HeartofGold,
You have done very well. He will be proud of you. I just choose some of Sue’s favourite clothes a Nightwish tour t-shirt she always wore some leggings. Even some socks because i didn’t want her to have cold feet. It’s strange what goes through your mind. So take a deep breath and do what you need to do,but remember to look after yourself.
Hello everyone, just been reading the very sad posts on here and my heart breaks for all of you. I think this is the first time I’ve felt that I really ( Don’t want to go on.) another long very long weekend not seeing anyone, I’m completely overwhelmed with loneliness.Plenty to do inside and outside but I have run out of energy mentally and physically. I’m in bed doing this with curtains closed to shut out another awful day. Please excuse me for all the self pity but being completely honest, I’m really feeling so sorry for myself. So sorry for not being able to write anything positive.
Patsy219 I have felt exactly the same all weekend, I think we are entitled to some self pity time. I have given myself a good talking to and am determined have a better day tomorrow. Sending you a hug x
Patsy219
I am so sorry for what you are going through.Please dont apologise for not writing anything positive.We are all here to help and support you.We have all been through and/or going through the feelings that you are.Grief is an horrible thing that hits us.We may have all had different circumstances in the way we have lost someone but we do all really know how you will be feeling.Keep reaching out to us on here.We will all help and support you when we can.This site has really helped me.Everyone is so kind caring and understanding.Take care of youself.
Hi Patsy219,
You have nothing to apologise for. It’s crap this new path. We all know the loneliness and it gets to us. If coming on here helps keep doing it.
I got told you are allowed to be selfish in grief. We are all going through something that blinking hurts a lot. My energy levels seem to get less and less everyday and everyday is ground hog day. We all miss that one person who could make it right, but that one person is why we are here. I wish i could say the right words to everyone. Take care
Rajay, Brummy and Nightwish thank you all so much for replying, it means so much, the tears are streaming down my face. I must try and get better metal thinking, just seem to have this block where everything is so dark. I’m thinking of all of you and everyone on this forum for the terrible pain we’re all in. Sending hugs to you all. X