For those approaching the one year milestone, does anyone feel their emotions are intensifying? Similar in feeling to the death itself? Those early days of shock & sadness seem to have returned. Does this mean grief is worsening? Or is this another stage of hell I’m about to enter?
I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad. Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m just giving your thread a gentle, “bump” for you - hopefully someone will have some thoughts to share.
Take good care,
Cee it feels like my grief is getting worse by the day .trying to stay positive but struggling with it again x
I feel I’m going through that stage too. It’s like, the first year I was in shock, & spent the entire time on autopilot, the second year, the haze lifted, & realization dawned on me as the reality sank in, now I’m approaching the 3rd year, & to be honest, I feel depressed, I’m struggling, I miss my mom, I need hugs. I’m at a point where I accept that she’s gone, but don’t see much point to anything. I do Tai chi, which helps me stay calm, most of the time, & I try to stay focused, & keep my mind occupied, but there are inevitably times where I just want to cry. Sending hugs of support.
It’s coming up to a year since my mum passed also and I’m starting to feel really anxious about it because I keep replaying the day I found out over and over in my head, it’s complete torture!
@Cee I have just passed the one year mark with my darling son and it did heighten the pain for me. I wanted to mark the day so I went up to see the Heart of Steel in Sheffield where I had my son’s name engraved over the years to mark his previous surgeries and also his passing. I don’t know how to explain it but I felt closer to him there even though he lived in USA for the last 14 years. I was very sad that he never got to see it himself, he was really chuffed when I told him about it no did plan to see it on his next visit but that day never came
The replaying think can be a nightmare, but it’s just your brain trying to make sense of things. I’ve had a lot of trauma from quite a young age, which I eventually had therapy for. With trauma, sometimes the mind decides a particular memory or incident is too big for it to take in all at once, so it tries to break it down into smaller chunks, this is usually what causes flashbacks. I know it’s painful, but it has to go through it’s process. If you’re struggling, this might be a good time to consider counselling to help support you with this.
@Lcc59 , I have never seen the heart of steel, but it sounds like a beautiful way to remember your son.
Sending hugs of support.
Hi @Cee I have just survived the one year milestone and yes, for me, it did bring it all back. Yet there was also a sense of calm because I knew that I had somehow got through those very raw early days of bleak and brutal grief. My Mum’s house sale has finally completed (it has been a torture) so now I am trying to deal with the loss of the last physical connection with my Mum. I still feel in an emotional turmoil. Sending you best wishes xx
These last few weeks leading up to the one year milestone have been very challenging, to say the least. On the 11th February it will be one year since I lost my Keef after nearly 44 years. My family, particularly my sisters, have been so understanding but it’s almost like my so called friends are avoiding me, even though they had previously discussed the upcoming milestone. I had a little relief when my grandchildren stayed Friday night and it helped me realise how much I have to live for, but once they were gone I was back to feeling really low. This site has helped me so much over the last year and I think I would certainly have “lost the plot” if it hadn’t been for the kind words and understanding of people on here. xx
@Martyn2 Sorry that you too are experiencing this, approaching the first anniversary. Maybe it feels like this because we know we have to build around the absence of a loved one and don’t know how. I hope we manage to move fwd in some small way. Xx
@Pandaprincess Thankyou so much for your message of support. Hugs to you too. I naively thought that after a year of loss, I’d start to have a semblance of normality but hearing you say you’re approaching 3 years & still struggling has filled me with dread. Will this ever get easier? Are we destined to take 2 steps 4wd & 10 back or will that change to 10 4wd & 2 back? Sorry I’m rambling. I can see how grief turns to madness. Xx
@Jess1 That’s exactly how I feel. I’m replaying that day over & over. It did fade but has now returned in Technicolor I wish anxiety had a troubleshooting manual cos I’ve literally tried everything. I wish it had an off switch or even a snooze button! Have you thought how you’ll commemorate the day itself? Xx
Cee .thank you. Just glad the first of February has passed .that was the day my beautiful gorgeous late wife sue took the next step of her journey.just feel like i,m going through the motions but i made sue a promise to carry on fighting for life and I will honour my promise to sue in anyway shape or form x
I don’t mean to fill you with dread, at the moment I’m going through a particularly bad time generally, it would of been my mom’s birthday, & the birthday of the baby I lost, which makes it a particularly emotional time for me, which I think compounds the problem, my mom used to be my safety net, she used to support me through things like this, which makes me miss her more.
Generally speaking, everyone’s different, & though some things in bereavement are the same, like memories of the person, the empty spaces now they’re gone, there are some things that will be unique to you depending on personal circumstances, & how close you were, for me personally, one of the reasons my grief is difficult is because, when my mom was alive, there were issues between us, conversations I should of had back then but I didn’t because I didn’t want to cause arguments, but this meant I sat on the bad feeling for years without saying anything, we both knew the anger & resentment was there, & why, but at the time I felt nothing good would come from having that argument, & now it’s too late, she’s gone, but she was still my mom.
In time I’m sure things will calm down, & I’ll come to terms with the past, for now my best answer is take it all one day at a time, & listen to what your inner self says you need, if you feel the need to cry, scream, write a poem about how your feeling, have therapy, keep a journal, chat to a friend or family member, write them a letter telling them how you feel, talk to a picture of them, just go with the flow & do whatever you feel you need to do. Though our loved ones have gone physically, they’re always with us in our hearts, & in our memories of them, we carry them with us, & in that way they’ll always be there.
@Rosiepink Thankyou for your input. I hope in some small way I’ll share that notion of survival & calm. Those first weeks were truly painful, both pre & post funeral. You kind of drift along on autopilot. It must’ve been awful when your mum’s house was sold & that last connection was severed. Like another bereavement. Best wishes to you too. I hope you have some kind of support network. Xx
@Guineapig65 Thankyou for your message. One year just seems a massive milestone & I can’t believe it’s almost here already. Where has that last year gone? Was it lost in a sea of tears & confusion? I’m sure you think the same. My mum was married 50+ years & I presume, like you has never had an adult life on her own. I think it’s much worse losing that anchor. The person you chose as your own & built a life around. Friends can be odd when it comes to bereavement, especially if they haven’t been thru the loss of their spouse. It’s like they don’t want a reminder of what’s to come. Xx
@Lcc59 That was a lovely way to mark the milestone & your Son’s passing. I love that you commemorated his surgeries, such a shame he never saw it… I’ll try something similar to remember my Dad that brings me closer to him. I don’t know why I’m dreading it so much. I think it’s because this time last year he was still alive & we’re fast approaching the time when he’s not. If that makes sense. After 8th March I can no longer say this time last year he was still with us. Silly really. Xxx
@Cee please never say that your feelings are silly, they are a manifestation of your grief and are very important.
I really dreaded getting to Thomas’s anniversary of passing, reliving those days as he got worse and worse. I also started feeling that having reached that anniversary everyone would get on with their lives and forget him but it’s not so. I just can’t handle a world where he’s not there but I must for my other sons. I’ve also started a scrapbook with his photos and bits and bobs of his.
No its not silly at all
@Pandaprincess Thankyou. I think all relationships are complicated in some way, especially the parent-child one. We can all be difficult when we think our way is right. My Dad harboured a grudge against his own mum for years (in short, she was pretty dreadful) she died when he was in his twenties & he never forgave her, even in death. Your suggestions are really insightful, especially the letter one. I’ll try them all lol & one is bound to work take care of yourself. Xx