Dreaded weekends

Here we are again, another dreaded weekend without the one we love! How I hate them . I hope that you are all as well as you can be . Sending love and hugs and a reminder you are not alone. Take care everyone. Kay. Xxx

How I completely share your feelings Kay, and for some reason each weekend seems worse. My husband died on 28th July and the first week I must have been on autopilot because I managed to do all the paperwork etc. Now a few weeks on I am getting worse, I cry more, I turn down invites even from my family because nothing seems to matter. Does there come a point when instead of getting more and more despondent things may ease. Thinking about all of us alone no xx

hi
Yes weekends are horrible im in work on nightshift so sad that i would rather be in work than home alone on saturday night.
Depressing
William

Hi I’m still waiting for things to get a little easier. My partner Ian died almost 11 weeks ago and to be honest it’s worse! I foolishly thought that once we’d had his funeral which was delayed as he died in Italy it would be easier. It’s not! I don’t know if it’s that actually acceptance that he’s gone or what but it’s definitely worse. Going back to work has given me structure and a distraction but I ache for him and evenings and weekends are horrible. I’ve been really upset as all his financial accounts and his Facebook have been closed, it’s like he never existed! Of course I know he did but it’s all so final. I hate this life, I do try to keep busy anything not to be alone. I never minded being alone before when I knew he was coming home now I can’t bear it. Take care and a big hug. Kay. Xx

Hi William I know what you mean and understand completely. I’m not going to ask how you are because I know the answer so I will say have a good shift and take care. Big hugs. Kay. X

My wife retired four years ago when she was diagnosed with a Glioblastome and I had retired in my early fifties. This meant we got to spend a lot of time together as she had worked part time. I miss her every day, weekend or weekday, but I have more chance seeing my kids and grandkids on a weekend due to their work commitments and schooldays. This means that I don’t have to work as hard on a weekend on distraction tactics. It will be 5 weeks tomorrow since my wife died and I’m not sure my kids will be able to continue to look out for me, or whether they will want to. I’m not sure what the answer is but I read this forum fervently in the hope that someone has tried something that works for a while… a bit like a magic bullet. I identify with the idea that things seem to get harder rather than easier once the initial shock wears off. In effect I have had 4 years to prepare for this and it seems to count for nothing. I’ve never faced real difficulty and despondency before.

Yes Kay, I was always someone who was happy in their own company now I can’t bear it. Perhaps because it is now a permanent state of affairs ,.x

Awful isn’t it how we’ve become this different person. I was a strong independent woman before loosing Ian now I hate the person I’ve become. It’s so unfair not only have I lost him I’ve lost myself. I’m 54 and the thought of staying like this is horrible. Although I know exactly what he would want me to do, I can’t, I’m trying believe me but it’s so hard. I pray for the day this becomes a little easier. Take care. Kay. Xx

Hi Yorkshirelad I wish I had an answer. The only thing I have come up with is trying to keep busy, meeting up with people and spending time with my sons and grandchildren. As I said I have gone back to work not in my proper job ( I’m an intensive care nurse) but office based for a while. Ian died in intensive care in Italy and I cannot face sick patients and their families in the situation I was in 11 weeks ago. So I’m doing office work but it gets me out. I hate the fact I now actively have to fill my time! I’m sure your family will be there for you but I know what you mean. I worry about putting on my boys although they seem ok at the moment. 5 weeks is early days even if you had 4 years to prepare. I guess nothing prepares us for loosing the person we love and as we are all finding out unless you have experienced this you really have no idea what it’s like. Take care. Kay. X

Hi everyone
I know what you all mean about distraction. The more we can keep.occupied the better
But we still have to get into that empty bed and long for that cuddle and a chat before we go to sleep. Facing this just gets more difficult. Maynbe the more time that passes the more obvious it is that they’re not coming back. It’s 8 weeks since my husband died and I can be doing something and it will hit me with a force that this is it, its just me now. Facing the first winter without him to keep me warm.
Take care,
Sandy

Hi Sandy I hate getting into bed at night and him not being there. He always kept me warm and every night he told me he loved me. I miss him so much it physically hurts so I completely understand what you’re saying. What I wouldn’t give to roll over and cuddle him or just to wake up to him. I’m crying just writing this now . This has left me truly heartbroken as I’m sure you are. A massive virtual hug to you all. Kay. Xx

I have been reading all of your comments and my heart aches for you all. My beloved husband died four years ago and no, I have not stopped grieving, the sadness has softened around the edges, I have learned to cope on my own, because I have had to, our family have moved on, new homes, new lives, new wives even.

Some of you have said that after 8 weeks you don’t feel any better, you won’t feel any better for a long, long time to come, I found the second year the worst as the first year goes by in a blur of sorting things out, then along comes the second year, everything has been done, paperwork sorted and then you think, now what, well, that means you have 12 months facing you where you are thinking, last year he/she was here. Then comes the third year and again 12 months facing you and you are thinking, last year he/she wasn’t here and that is when it hit’s you that you are now making new memories without your beloved partner and he/she is now a part of your past and not your future, and believe you me, that hurt’s.

What happens is that after a few weeks/months you think you are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel then bang, you are at rock bottom again. I just want to tell you that this is normal. People are different, they cope differently, but some are hard on themselves thinking they should be stronger, you don’t have to be strong, if you want to scream, then scream, there is nothing to be ashamed of crying for the one person you loved with all of your heart, to me it only shows how much you loved them.

When people tell you to join this and join that, just say, thank you and do what the heck you want, do not try and keep busy for keeping busy’s sake, sit down and think about your partner, cry, look at photos and cry. Don’t bottle it up.

When they tell you you should be over it by now, ignore them, they have either never been through such a loss or are being insensitive and don’t understand what you are going through. Do what you want to do, when you want to do it, but most of all, get up each morning and take what comes and deal with it when it comes.

After four years I am still dealing with the loss of our future together, I live in the past such a lot as that is where my wonderful memories are. I am 75 years of age and was married 47 years and together 50 years, he was 18 when we met and we loved each other with all our hearts and I will never, ever get over it.

I am thinking of you all because, believe you me, it will not be an easy road.

Love

Sheila xx

Wow Sheila I really don’t know what to say. Thank you for sharing the brutally honest truth of what is to come. Not a lot to look forward to really! However I’m sure that what you have written is good advice and reinforces the fact that there is no right or wrong, we are all different and should do what ever we need to do. Also we are not alone, this forum is helpful and comforting. Take care Sheila. Kay. Xx

Dear Kay,

People are different, and everyone finds their own way of coping, but keeping busy wasn’t one of my ways, or going out just for the sake of it. I just got up in the morning, put one foot in front of the other and did what needed doing. I made a list of everything
that did need doing and worked my way through it when I felt as though I could cope with it. If I had to go to town to get cash or buy something I needed, I would get all my clothes out the night before and hang them on the landing because I knew, when I got up in the morning and the clothes, shoes etc. were not there, I would stay in.

I sometimes wonder if I had been 30 years younger when my husband died, I may have dealt with things differently, but with being 75 years of age and at the back end of my life I saw nothing whatsoever to look forward to apart from getting older and ill. If Peter had not died it would be a totally different scenario, we would have been together and growing old together and seeing our grandchildren grow into adults together, but it was not to be.

My mum was 55 years old when my dad died, my brother in law was 46 years old when my sister died, my mother in law was 33 years old when my father in law died, I only met my future mother in law once before she died aged 47 as I had just met Peter in the 1960’s. None of them married or had other relationships, they spent the rest of their lives alone.

All you can do is take it one step at a time, hour by hour, day by day, week by week and month by month because that is the only way you will get through it.

Love

Sheila.xx

Hi Sheila,
That is a brutally honest post, but we all know it’s the truth. It’s the price we have to pay for having been so lucky in finding our true soulmates. All those years of happiness and contentment we had, are bound to cause unbearable pain when that is taken away from us. It doesn’t make things any easier though. Like you say we have to carry on. Im trying my best but I still aslk him to come and get me every day. I know he will when it’s time.
Take care,
Sandy

Dear Sandy,

I wondered if I had made it a bit too brutal because, like I said, we are all different and have different ways of coping. Perhaps I have not coped as well as some other person would cope, but I honestly think that when you have spent most of your life with someone you loved with all of your heart, there is no other outcome but heartache for the rest of your days when you lose them.

It is the finality of it all that is breaking my heart, knowing I will never see him, hold him, speak to him again in this lifetime, never hear him ask me if I want a cup of tea, never hear him laugh when he is watching a comedy programme hurt’s so much.

No-one will know how they will cope in the coming years until it happens, so I will say what I have always said, take it one day at a time, don’t expect to be singing and dancing in five months time because you won’t be. You will be up and down like a jack in the box, not knowing from one day to the next what you will feel like when you climb out of bed, but what you will learn, is that there is no other option but to get out of bed otherwise you will just give up.

This is why the Sue Ryder website is a godsend to us all, we know we are not alone in our grief and there is always someone to pour out your heart to, no matter how bad you feel because we know exactly what you are going through as we are going through it ourselves.

Please take care.

Love

Sheila.xx

I just saw your name and it’s what my husband used to call me. My name is Vicki not Victoria but he always called me Toria and I wish i could hear him call me it again.You are right you do go on auto pilot to start with then reality hits home and it bloody hurts. My husband died in April 2018 and I avoided going places at first but I am venturing out a bit more now. Big hug x

Hi Everyone, yes I used to look forward to weekends now I do not, I wish could work weekends as well as week days. I hate going home after work so I pop into pub for a couple of drinks, now this is a regular thing and then drink at home for rest of the evening whilst watching the tv. I know this is not good for me but cannot stop and Dell my late husband would be ever so cross with me. People say that time is a great healer, I do not think it is as each day passes I feel worse. Each morning I wake up and sigh that I am still here. Take care everyone and know you are not alone xx

I think you do what you have to do. It may not be good for you but I take anything that helps at the moment. As we all know there is no right or wrong. Another weekend is approaching and as usual I’m dreading it. Roll on Monday! Take care. Big hugs. Kay. X

Hello YorkshireLad 1950
I lost my husband in February after a 4 year fight with bowel cancer. I cared for him at home until a week before he died. We have no kids, but had lots of support from Macmillan and our local hospice, including counselling. I thought I was pretty well prepared for his death, and there was certainly enough to keep me occupied early doors. You do find that after a few months, friends and family move back into their own lives, and you have to start looking forward for yourself. I have started to build myself a new life through my interests. So, I have joined a book club, taken up Tai Chi, and go to the gym twice a week. I make sure that I go out somewhere every day, just for a change of scenery and to talk to people. It has, and continues to be, very hard, living life in a society where everyone seems to be either a couple or a family, and it will be a little while yet before things start to get easier - I particularly hate Sunday’s. Also, it is my 60th birthday on Monday, another difficult time. But although I often find myself lonely, despondent and tearful, I have never, ever, lost a tiny spark inside that is telling me everything will be ok. I believe everyone has it, but you have to seek it out, and I truly hope that you too will be able to do so xx