We are getting closer to my husbands funeral and I am dreading it… I didn’t want to organise it… so much so I resented the funeral directors… I don’t want to go (although obviously I will). I know I will be an utter mess that day, next Wednesday… I feel sick just thinking of it. Does everyone feel like this?
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I totally understand how you feel as I was sthe same. I spoke to them and went in before everyone and sat at the back with my sister.
I think the build up was worse than the actual funeral. It was actually comforting seeing everyone comming to say good bye. It was also nice listen to Andrews uology, poems and prayers that I had put together.
Be strong and brave. Do it how you see fit, there is no right way.
Sending hugs 
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So sorry.
I agree the build up was dreadful.
I made arrangements to help me get through it, for instance people were already seated when I arrived. I dreaded seeing everyone lined up waiting outside, I don’t know why but I just could not face that.
Take care x
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I too was dreading the funeral but when the day came it turned out to be perfect.
I cried the whole way through and didn’t even see who was there, I seemed to be blinkered and could only focus on Roger
The celebrant was wonderful and even she was in tears. The eulogy and photo tribute were beautiful. I couldn’t believe the amount of people that came although I didn’t realise until I got to the wake
To see the outpouring of love and respect for my husband was amazing.
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Thank you… that’s a nice thought, hopefully I’ll find it comforting too.
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You will be in a daze. Although I was looking around, I didn’t see a lot of friends that attended as I was spaced out. It will be a surreal experience. I found it most difficult when we (me, the close family and band members) met outside his flat and the hearse came around the corner. That was hard. However, when we arrived at the crematorium it was heartwarming to see how many cars were parked along the roadside as they couldn’t all fit in the car park. Everybody will be very upset, go with your feelings and forget about the stiff upper lip rubbish. If you can’t mourn at a funeral, when can you?
We are all with you in this.
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I felt so much dread, just as you do, that I have swerved having a funeral altogether. Had a private cremation. Now I have the option of arranging a memorial service or maybe an ashes scattering service when I’m feeling stronger. If I ever do.
Neil was given a diagnosis of incurable…but treatable…prostate cancer four and a half years ago. His attitude from the outset was no doom mongering, I’m going to put up with whatever treatments they throw at me without complaining and I’m going to keep going for as long as I can. He had a reasonable prospect of at least 5 years of functional life and there were promising new treatments being trialled that could have bought him more time. So he never talked about death, about how I would carry on after he had gone and certainly not about funerals. It’s probably not the way I would have chosen to approach it, but it was his way of coping and I respected that.
So whereas my sister, who died just three days after Neil, had indicated what sort of memorial she wanted, plus she had religious affiliations, so my brother in law knew what to set up, I am left floundering. Neil hated our local crematoria, didn’t believe in God, and he had lost contact with a lot of his work colleagues and old friends…COVID plus a long illness was very isolating…so I don’t know where to start setting up essentially some sort of social event when I’m feeling at my lowest ever.
I don’t think a funeral director should bully you into a funeral if you can’t face it. Who is it for and are you really obliged to those people?
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On the morning of his funeral I woke up and thought I’m not going I can’t do this,then I thought get your big girls knickers on having said that I was spaced out through it all.I got there early and sat inside the crematorium I couldn’t bear to see him coming up the hill in a hearse people told me afterwards everyone was asking where I was they just didn’t get it really.Afterwards I had invited everyone back to my house for a buffet and drinks which turned out really lovely,my house was crammed with people who just helped themselves and introduced themselves to each other it was much more friendly than been in a venue where people stick in their own groups.I was hoping everyone would be gone by 3pm it was actually 7.30 and we had a wonderful afternoon.
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Thank you… I’m guessing it will all feel surreal for me too.
I hope I’ve done him proud. X
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It will feel surreal and like most of us you will wake up not wanting to go. But you will go and it will be amazing.
You will have done him proud.
That was my biggest fear, that i would let him down, but it was perfect
Take care
I will be thinking of you on Wednesday
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@AnnieMacG
I actually like the idea of a private cremation, so much more personal and you can weed out all those people that never helped or supported you both.
I have no children and when I find the time and money I am going to do a pure cremation. No fuss, no outrageous costs and no service
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I did exactly the same (the private cremation) and it was as perfect as it could have been, in the circumstances
Although it was a private cremation, I knew when it was taking place, and went and stood outside with her little dogs and we said our final goodbyes.
A separate party for everyone else in a pub with a buffet, singing, jokes, smiles and eulogies.
Ok! There were a few tears and hugs.
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I’m the same no kids or immediate family so I have paid for a direct cremation for me.It doesn’t leave anyone having to deal with it that way it’s already sorted.
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I have done the same paid for mine a couple of months ago I have no kids or immediate family so what’s the point of anything else.
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@LyndaK
I haven’t sorted it yet as I don’t know where I want my ashes to go? My husband’s are with his mum &dad…long story…can I ask what you are doing with yours?
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I’m not into ashes I never have been,I didn’t even want Peter’s.They give you options where you want your ashes to go I chose the gardens at the crematorium it’s where Peter’s went and it’s on a beautiful hillside.
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I’m so sorry to hear about the suffering you are going through … No-one will be expecting you to be “keeping-it-together” on the day of the funeral, so please don’t feel any pressure to have to behave in any particular way. The day is for you, as much as anyone (probably more-so) and, hopefully, people will be kind and compassionate. I’m sending you blessings, love and light …
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Hi @Kajoa
I hope the funeral went well.
How are you, I know how I felt afterwards. As if it was starting all over again, not knowing how to carry on.
But bit by bit, day by day things do start to improve.
11 weeks in and 5 since the funeral I have had a couple of quite good days. Still lots of bad ones though
Please look after yourself and know that everyone on here wishes you peace and love.
Big hugs to you
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Thank you so much for asking, I really appreciate it because you’re right… the funeral went well, he had an amazing turn out , I was a mess but I felt I did right by him but now I just feel ‘what now?’ I’ve been reliving the last 8 weeks when he had his diagnosis over and over again…it’s so nice to talk to people that understand and I’m guessing it’s a long haul ahead. I’m glad you’ve had good days too though, that’s heartening. You take care too xx
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