Was just wondering if anyone has had the same problem as me.
I keep dreaming that my mum is still alive. Not just thinking about what she would be doing now but we’re back at the hospice and she starts to recover. Then I bring her home and it was all just a mistake and we can go back to normal.
I wake up and I believe it’s true. I’ve always dreamt and got dreams confused with reality. I realise I can’t hear her/ see her until I realise it can’t be true. I know she died.
It’s awful, like reliving everything all over again every morning.
I intend to tell my GP at my next appointment but wondered if anyone had experienced something similar and if anything helped??
Hi yes this is exactly what I go through. She’s back in the hospital we take her home and she doesn’t know she has cancer. And she is alive. Or I dream of her healthy and happy I hear and see her so clearly. The other night I dreamt that the whole thing had been a dream. I kept saying thank god. Thank god. Mum it’s been awful without you. Then I wake up and I’m still without her. And the pain hits all again. I don’t know what advice to give. It’s been 5 months. The dreams are less. But they still happen twice a week. Before it was every night so it’s getting slightly better.
I’ve always had vivid dreams and also get confused at times with what’s real.
Hi. Kerrance. You have no control over what you dream because it comes from the unconscious part of your mind. But what you think about before you fall asleep can influence your dreams. Our minds crave normality. We so want things to be the same but we know, in our conscious moments, it can never be. But in dreams all inhibitions fall away and we see what we want to see, things that give normality and reassurance. It will pass as time moves on. Telling your GP is a good idea. Talking about it to anyone has to be good, and it’s why it’s good to see you here.
There is also the possibility, and this requires faith, that your mum is telling you she is recovered and is back to normal where she is.
Dreams are a very complex subject. Both Freud and Jung regarded dreams as being very important if interpreted correctly. It is never ‘just a dream’.
Take care and realise there is nothing abnormal about what you are experiencing. Best wishes.
Thank you both. I’m glad its not just me because it does sort of feel like I’m going crazy- I know what happened as much as I wish I hadn’t seen it.
I’ve always had that issue with dreams and getting them confused with reality but it never really bothered me before but now its so hard getting up and going to find her before I realise she isn’t where she would have been and I’m just stood in the middle of her room and then it hits me.
I’ve tried doing meditation/ sleep tracks before I go to bed but has made no difference.
Hi. Kerrance. I suggest just allowing it to happen. No ‘trying to get rid of it’. The more you place so much emphasis on it the more it will bug you. I know how very difficult it can be. The mind wants order and there is no order in your life at the moment. We are all in a state of turmoil and chaos and our minds try and correct this in dreams. The brain needs order to function. Disorder, which is what we are all in, creates anxiety. Most of us know so little about the unconscious mind from which dreams come.
That part of the mind is a mystery to most. But it plays an important part in our lives and is the source of emotions and our fears. All you can do at the moment is to accept it may happen. Just as we have to accept what has happened in our bereavement and try to move on. I say ‘try’ because I do know the pain and how difficult it can be.
I have the dreams too
They get less and less frequent as time passes. I lost my dad suddenly to a cardiac arrest in his sleep 6 months ago. It was out of nowhere - healthy fun happy guy.
After my mum passed last July I had some scary nightmares. Mainly my mum was cross with me and was dragging me to her. One night I woke up and saw a huge white light by my bed and felt I was being pulled out of bed. I screamed and my husband woke up and had to calm me down. I also saw her flying around the roof on my house. I was so concerned I was going mad I went to see my doctor and he said no I wasnt crazy just grieving. Its quite scary how real your dreams can be and how your mind works when you are in pain and grieving. I’m still struggling now but at least I know I’m not going crazy. How it gets better for you xx
Sorry to hear that the dreams were so scary.
Mine are usually pleasant or neutral except for when you wake up and realize that they were dreams and then reality sets in.
I have dreams of my dad most nights. It is replaying the week of his death. In the hospital then also at random Places like the local park. He’s still in his hospital bed and still dying. I’ve not had any where he recovers. I am not scared of these dreams I see them as a way of my brain processing the awful things I have gone through. The worst has already happened; no dream can be as bad losing him. I just hope I start to see him in nice times soon where he is his normal self and not the man he was the last few weeks.
Hi. Hannah. Yes it is good to know you are not going crazy. So many of us think that at first. The pain is so unbearable and so new to us we imagine all sorts of awful things. Dreams are very individual. That is why books on dreams are useless. Any analysis of a dream has to be taken in the context of individual circumstances. You are very wise not to be scared of dreams. Yes, they are all part of this process of grief. Our unconscious mind, from which dreams emanate, speaks in symbols. It’s the only language it knows. I had dreams of the New World. America and the flag. Am I being told a new world awaits? Maybe! I was too upset at the time to look at the dream properly. Some find it good to keep a dream journal. To write down as soon as possible after the dream what happened. It gets it out of your mind and on paper. Dreams do settle down. As the shock begins to subside so the mind comes back to some sort of reality. Of course, it will never be the same, how could it be, But as the pain eases we may be able to look at life differently. Blessings.
Hi. Mosie. Your doctor is so right. But it doesn’t help at the time does it? Waking from a nightmare can be so upsetting, and if it’s been about our loss, more so. The ‘huge white light’ although very scary could be a blessing being sent to you. We interpret things on our present level of understanding, as humans lost in this awful world of grief. But if we could see it from another perspective maybe we would have some peace. I often talk of the light in the distance that does get brighter. Any light is encouraging. Being ‘dragged out of bed’ and maybe into the light is very symbolic. The light of understanding maybe? Your mother flying! Is she free now, free to fly and be happy? This may all seem very airy fairy to you. I made a study of dream analysis and, believe me, so much help can be gained by knowing what dreams are telling you.
Now take care. Be as kind to yourself as you can be.
Thank you Jonathan123. I understand what you atr saying. I obiw the white light may sound a cliche but it was so bright and it felt in the end I was awake and still saw it. As for flying free I perceived it as very dark and scary and she was in a white robe . However up to 6 weeks before her passing she was gardening, cooking etc. She developed a bad back, admitted to hospital and diagnosed straight away with terminal lung cancer. She passed 3 weeks later. She was always so active and I know it upset her being bedridden at the end. So yes I would love to think she felt active and set free again. I’m not at that stage yet though. I still feel broken and pessimistic. But tganjs for your reply. It really made me think xx
Hi mosie my story similar to yours. Mum had a bad back. Diagnosed initially lung cancer. Then they said they weren’t sure, she died just two days later after they diagnosed her. Such a shock isn’t it.
Hi again Mosie. I have come back because you mentioned a white robe your mum was in during the dream. Once again we have this image of white. White light. White robe. There is no doubt in my mind what this is saying.
Light gives hope. A lighthouse gives hope to sailors. Light dispels darkness. Light has always been a symbol of renewal. ‘Lighten our darkness’. Darkness is a lack of understanding. ‘They have eyes but they see not. They have ears but they hear not’. This is not necessarily religious belief, but we enter that part of our minds that is not available in normal circumstances when in grief. To see grief as anything other than the awful pain is difficult. But I believe there is so much more to it than that. Take care.
I didn’t see your name.
I am Sonny. My Mum passed away in July 2016 near the end of the month.
I have regular dreams about her where we are involved in daily activities that
we did together like going shopping, to the GP and even dropping Mum off at certain
places like the supermarket or the bus stop.
I regularly collected Mum from the bus stop when she was coming home.
When I awake from the dream I record it.
I feel then that I have had further interaction with her and that we meet as normal.
It’s feels strange that I was present at Mum’s funeral and I feel
confused because I’m unsure about where she is.
I was close to my Mum and still am so I speak to her photos daily.
It is comforting for me and I’m awaiting her response.
She speaks to me in my dreams and it makes me happy
that I still see her.
I don’t know if this will help you but I thought I would share my
experience with you about my Mum.
I feel your post and the experiences you relate could be such a comfort to you. It’s good you keep a dream journal. Dreams can mean so much more that ‘just a dream’. Of course you are close to your mum, where else would you be? You obviously loved her very much and love will overcome all things. Good dreams like yours are surely comforting. You have no control over your unconscious mind from which dreams come, but have other’s control? Can it be you are in touch with your mum? Nothing can be ruled out in our feelings and emotions or in our beliefs. Is it coincidence that you dream about her?
Many people have nightmares after loss. But even nightmares are telling us something. If we are capable of looking deeper into grief and not treating it as something that just happens, we may find redeeming features. But that’s another story. Take care. Be kind to yourself. John.
Sonny and John
Thank you both for your messages. Since creating this conversation I have been trying to do just that- thinking that its a positive thing. I like that I can remember her exactly as she was, the dreams are so vivid I know I haven’t forgotten the little things she said or did. I just wish they were more normal like yours though so I can remember her in the positive times instead of when she passed away
Difficult!! Can you love someone you dislike? Can you forgive someone you dislike? In a purely human sense we can’t. We are talking about emotions, always a tricky subject. To forgive is to love. Now the word love in this context is not attachment or sexual and is not personal. It’s not your love or my love, it’s unconditional. This may be difficult to understand. For the religious it’s the love of God. For the non religious it may be just felt as universal in a worldly sense. Through the ages all religions and all good people have said ‘Love Thy Neighbour as Thyself’. ‘To err is human, to forgive divine’. Can we forgive but still keep that person at a distance? In relationships this is difficult.
Some people are amoral. They have no sense of right or wrong or about upsetting people. We may say they should know better. But how can they having no concept of good or bad? All that matters is that they are not hurt. One should pity them not condemn.
We do ourselves untold psychological harm when we harbour such emotions as hate, anger and resentment. These are corrosive emotions and can eat into the soul. I doubt many of us will see eye to eye on this because it’s such an emotive subject.
Yes. After my mum passed 6 months ago after a short cancer battle . I had dark dreams. She was vross with me and it scared mr to even be in the house alone in case she came to get me. I had a close relationship with my mum and she lived with myself and husband for the last 4 years do couldn’t understand it. I also dreamt of a huge circle of light pulling me out of bed which made me wake up and it was still there. I also saw her flying around my chimney outside in a white robe. The dreams have subsided now but yjeh were scary at the time . Hope yours ease off xx
I have just woken up with a start. Was dreaming of mum. Mum and dad were in my childhood house. They were sitting in the garden smoking. (Something they used to do when I was younger) I was cross with dad for smoking as he has COPD. And my mum said “why are you not telling me off for smoking”. And I said “because you have died mum. Do you know that you have died?. And she started to cry and I said “but I still love you and can see you, can you see me”. And she looked so sad that I woke up with a jump. I have a horrible pain in my chest now.